Small World

Yesterday I talked to my shaman.

Well technically speaking it was one of my friends. I hadn’t seen her in for ever (two months). And she just came back from being out of the country. No one thought she was going to come back do to the fact she fell in love with a guy who was a family friend. But eventually she did, and I’m super glad she did.

We went to go eat sushi because I love sushi and because why now? I really did miss her. She’s really cool and so awkward at the same time but I love her.

We catcher up and then I told her how I was feeling down the other day. How conflicted I was with everything going on in my life (it’ll probably be a post in the future), and she listened to me. It was nice. I like her points of view.

I know sometimes I put others happiness in front of mine but that’s ok because I feel like if they are happy I am too. But at the same time there’s that little feeling inside of me that I could be doing something else that would actually make me happier.

After talking we went to the park to walk around (or walk off the sushi I would say). It was a nice windy calm evening. I missed evenings like that, it’s been so hot lately and I’m sick of it.

Anyways, it was fun talking to her and my spirit really did go up from down where it had been. She always knows how to cheer me up, I’m glad she’s in my life. Apparently she knows a a girl who knows me who I met through a guy on Grindr. I know complicated shit but it’s a small world. A very small world.

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Learn How To Give

I know many people. I’m close to a lot of them but I consider very few my actual friends. They are more like very close acquaintances. People that I talk to constantly but have no trust in.

There is one friend though who is closer than the rest. She’s really cool. When I was going through all my shit and also my moms breast cancers she was there to get me through it. Out of all the people that I pushed away she would always try to get a hold of me.

That’s what I appreciated the most. I went through a dark phase where I told everyone that I didn’t want them around when I was hopping they would say no were her for you and we’re not going anywhere. But they didn’t. Only she did, and that made me see a lot of things a lot clearer.

Even now that I communicate with all my friends and our relationship is better than before she is still the one I talk to on a daily basis. Recently she’s been going through a lot. She doesn’t have a job currently and I fell terrible for her because I was in her shoes once.

We went out to eat last Wednesday and I lent her some money to get her by. She was one her way to an interview and it’s looking like she’s going to get it. I hope she does. She is a good person and deserves more than what life is giving to her.

But that’s what this post is more about. Giving. We need more of that. When people need help we need to start learning how to give. There is to much going on now a days that we need to come together. Plus, you never know when you will be in that situation that will need the help.

It does not have to be money. I know most people automatically say I don’t have any money or resources. That’s not the only way we can help. Just being there for someone, listen to them, hear them out, help them with anything that they might need. We are only hurting ourselves by making enemies, we not come together and work as a team?

She Deserves The World 

             The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow is my mothers surgery. How does she feel? How do I feel? It’s pretty much a conjunction of feelings all wrapped up into a ball, something along the lines of a rubber band ball. Remember those? 

             My mom is scared of going down. She’s afraid the doctors will put her under for too long and she might not come back. I try comforting her by telling her that the doctors know what they’re doing, but I’m not going to lie,  I’m hell of nervous as well. 

             We are getting a lot of support though. It’s nice to see what people who actually care about you will do for you. Our neighbors and our landlords are being very supportive. Some of my moms friends will also go with us tomorrow. Gabriel will be there. He insisted he wanted to go. I told him it was fine. 

I have been group chatting with Eli and Jenny on Snapchat. They have been sharing funny pics here na dthere in the efforts to make me happy or cheer me up. At least that’s what I feel, or take away from it. It’s nice if them. But they haven’t asked me about my mom which kind of bothers me. I gave them the date, they should at least say something supportive, even if it’s cheesy I’ll talked it at this point. But maybe they will tomorrow, who knows? 

             Right now I feel on both sides. I feel like everything will go fine. Then again, I feel that something will go wrong. Stupid doubt. I don’t really know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Nervous out of my mind, but I’m trying to keep the up most positive attitude. It’s draining to say the least. 

             It sucks that this is happing. I know, we might not deserve the world, but we most certainly do not deserve this. Especially my mother. She does actually deserve the world. Everyone we have told said that if they can’t go that they will keep us in their prayers. I appreciate that. I too will pray my heart out. 

I’m Grateful 

Good morning Journal, 

      I have noticed that my entries have been rather depressing. And though I can make a million excuses upon how it’s not my fault it’s the way life has been treating me, it wouldn’t make up for the way I see things. I was thinking that, yes, things have been bad lately but why not be greatful for the little things that have happened? 

      First off,  the most important thing I’m grateful for is my mother, she has been there with me through thick and thin and has always been by my side. She has made me the person I am today. And even though we are going through this (even if she doesn’t deserve to go through it) it will make us stronger. Our bond will grow and we will get to know ourselves better. 

      I’m grateful for the times I’ve spent with my family. Granted it hasn’t been much and the times have been hard. But those moments when we were together and nothing seemed to faze us, I’m grateful for those. For the little moments that we only saw each other. When we were in our own little world and nothing could touch us, we were untouchable. I’m grateful for those moments  because those moments give me strength to go on. They make me want to have more of those moments more often. 

      I’m also grateful for my heart. I know I can be a little brat, but I’m so thankful that I didn’t end up like the rest of this crappy world (mama raised me right). I care. Yes, I care about other people. Do I know them? No. But I care. I care for my friends. I care for my coworkers. I care. And I’m grateful for that. Sometimes it hurts me but who would I be if I was always going about my day like I didn’t give a fuck? I’m grateful I’m not that kind of person. 

      I’m grateful for everything I have. It may not be much but that’s ok. Not having much has taught me that earning things by your own sweat and tears feels better than to just be handed something. For fighting for what you want and not just take it. I’m grateful for that. 

     I’m grateful for my values and morals. Without them, would I even be human? 

      I know I don’t have much, but I’m grateful for the things that I do. And, honestly, I don’t think I need anything else.
 

3/29/2017

Being An Adult

Dear Journal,

     It has been a rough week. Every single morning I wake up and it’s the same thing, I wish death upon me. I don’t know what it is. I wake up feeling so bad about life. All I want to do is stay in bed all day. I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. I’m surprised I even make it out of bed.

     The bright side to this (if there is any), is that when I do get up, and a couple or so hours go on during the day I start to feel better. I know, “well then you’re not a morning person.” Well yes, maybe, that could be true but it’s not. See, journal, when I was younger and I didn’t have the knowledge that the world was so fucked up I was happy. Ignorance is bliss.

It sounds like a dumb phrase but its the most truthful thing I have ever come to experience. The definition of ignorance is “lack of knowledge or information”. In other words. What you don’t know wont hurt you, because technically if you don’t know what’s hurting you you’re not getting hurt. (What an explanation ).

     For example, when we are young, we have no clue how the world actually works. That’s the lack of knowledge, correct? Where is the bliss part? In the not knowing. We don’t worry about bills, or car payments, debt, or financial problems because we don’t even know they exist yet. That’s why kids are always so freaking happy! They aint got no bills yo!

     Anyway, I had a point but I lost it. I hate being an adult, maybe that’s the point. We are all so caught up in growing up so fast because we want to be free but in reality, we are all slaves. Slaves to our jobs, slaves to our rent or mortgage, to pills, to anything you have to give money to. The world is not like it once was where I give you an apple and you give me half a cup of milk. Now its all about money. I’m tired of being an adult, if this is what “being an adult” feels like I don’t think I want to be one any more. I’m going to stop here Journal because if I keep blabbering about how much adulthood sucks I might not stop.

 im-done-adult-ing-for-the-rest-of-the-day-80a5a

2/2/2017