Elizabeth 

             Eli, oh Eli. I have been working on this for quite a while now. Trying to find the right words. The correct, kind, words. The words that will not hurt you or make you cry. Because the last thing I would ever want is to see you in pain. But, maybe your eyes will never see these words? Sometimes I think maybe I should have never walked into your life. That’s the only way my absence wouldn’t hurt you as much as it might be hurting you now, is it? I would have said all this face to face. But the tears in my eyes wouldn’t have let me speak. I miss you.

             I remind you often how well I remember the first time I met you. Because that day something changed. Maybe I didn’t know it, maybe you didn’t know it, but something had changed.

             A shy boy walked in on his first day of work with his hat all the way down his face, trying to cover as much as he could. You, with your warm and kind smile welcomed that shy boy in. You were wearing your black dress shirt, the one with the short sleeves, remember? You told him to tuck in his shirt. He felt so embarrassed. Not even one minute and already he had messed up. But it was ok. It was all for the best. That’s  the way all good stories start.

             I think I’m getting a head of myself Eli. Let me take you back in time. To when I was younger. Way younger. I was a very shy little boy. I’m sure you could tell when you met me. I had no friends. I used to play by myself. I hated group projects. And hated recess. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where to go.

             Funny story. Well it’s more sad really. Sometimes I would go to the bathroom and sit in the stalls and wait until it was time to go back to class. Very movie like, right? I agree, the only difference is that I was five, and already I knew what rejection had felt like. That was basically my whole first grade. There was a kid I met though. His name was Jed. (Where are you now Jed?) He was my first real best friend. I met him in third grade. I don’t know how we came to be friends but we did. And we did everything together. Until, sadly, I moved away. Never to see him again. Never to have a friend again, until you.

             After that, school was just another obstacle. I tried to fit in as much as I could. Blend in with the right people from time to time. Live unnoticed . And it worked. Until the eighth grade. That’s when my father left us. (Well, got deported). I couldn’t take school anymore. So I went home-schooled . I isolated myself even more. Finished high school at home. So basically I had no high school experience. Along with no friends .

             Take in mind that through all this I was fighting with my sexuality. I didn’t know who I was. I was lost, I was hopeless. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was suicidal. I was self harming. All I needed was support form someone. I begged the God that I knew to give me a friend. A friend that would understand my life’s pain. A friend that would not only make me smile on the outside but also on the inside.

Was that friend, you? You decide.

             Let me tell you something Eli. I didn’t think we were going to be friends until that one time I drove you home. Remember? Hmmm. You needed a ride after work and told you I could take you. That’s when I told you I was a Jehovah Witness. Told you how hard it was “living two life’s.”

             When you said “omg, it must be so hard.” You seemed really genuine. Like it came form the heart. Did it? You only had known me a couple of months. Had our bond grown? I met your dog that day. R.I.P. Lady. She was the sweetest. The thought of her brings back so many great memories.

             I have to stop here and apologize for not being there when she pasted away. I know you loved her like a child, and I was no where to be seen when she was taken from your hands. That’s maybe the cruelest thing I ever did to you. But as you know, I was “being a saint.”

             Remember when we worked together? Those times were great. Only, but only, when rarely we got on each others nerves.  I always liked how by being indirect you got your point across. This took me time to understand, remember I had no social interacting before this job, so reading people was difficult. But I always admired the way you talked to people. Always with respect, always with a smile.

             Once I started opening up more and more it seemed like you were becoming that friend I always wanted needed. I told you everything. From my sexuality to my past. We had so much in common. Like that one time when we went to Starbucks and we talked about how much we struggled when we were younger, having to travel on the bus, remember? Dealing with our families. I remember all the stories that you confined in me about your brothers and your mom. Do you remember mine?

             Every time you opened up to me about life, I felt every single peace of pain your were feeling, yet I couldn’t express mine.

             Remember Jesse? Ugh, I have to admit I still have a tiny crush on him. I don’t know why. I don’t stalker-crazy like him, but if he were to walk into my life I wouldn’t mind.  I think it’s his eyes. Maybe his smile? He’s gay. Doesn’t want to admit it but come on! He’ll come around.

             That night of the party you had. The first one I ever went to. With Jenny, Marvin, Lily, Junior,  Gabe, me,  and Julie. Remember? That was one of the best nights I have had in a long time. I drank so much. Through up all over the place, but it was great! I had never done anything like that before it was crazy! It wasn’t me! It was fun! That night made me forget the night I had before where I poured out my heart to the guy from above and it got thrown out the window without a blink of an eye. Still, I’d run to his arms if he’d only let me.

              Imagine how drunk you would be if you had to take a shot very time I said remember?

             Well,  remember, when we were preparing Gabes twenty third birthday party? We were on the freeway headed to the dollar store when you mentioned how coworkers don’t stay friends once one quits working at the same place? I told you that it does not always happen that way and that we would try our best to not make that happen no matter which one of us quit first. But here we are, haven’t spoken for maybe more than three months. We don’t know what we are up to. Don’t know how we are doing. You seem to be doing well according to your snaps. Are we still friends?

              Speaking of Snap Chat, you keep sending these snaps to try to communicate with me. I do appreciate it just so you know. But I wish you would call me. I wish you would text me. Why don’t you?

              How did we end up like this? Ill tell you how. It all started when I quit McD’s. June 12th. I quit because I was under so much pressure. I couldn’t stand the hours and at home my mom dating that guy, my life was just insane at that moment. Now I look back and see that it wasn’t even that bad, compared to now of course.

            I quit not having another job to go to but just relying on Lyft. That didn’t work out. I think I was losing more than gaining. Stress got the better of me. How was I going to pay my bills? My car? The rent? Other necessities? You guys seemed to live life on a regular. Like I had never left, like I had never even been there. I pushed that feeling away and still hoped for the best.

             I was out of the loop. I didn’t know what was going on . I have the most blame maybe on that one. I could have asked. But in my time of despair, Gabriel came along. He is some one from church. All of the sudden I thought maybe if I gave the religion one more try then I could get it right. Yes I was gay, but that didn’t bother me as much as it did before, I had given up on love. At least for me.

              So I went full throttle. I knew I wasn’t going to change my sexuality, I just wanted to feel something. Because at the time I felt numb. It didn’t help. But that made it impossible for us to be friends. At the time I had different views. They weren’t mine but they were deeply implanted in me that I believed them to be. But I missed you guys.

             So I agreed to hang out. We went to Chilies. Well, me and Jenny did. You, never showed up. You don’t know how much that hurt me. I forgave you though, or better said I didn’t blame you at all. Who would want to see a friend who basically disappeared for a couple of months? Maybe that night, October 21st, our friendship started to collapse.

              On November 4th when I finally saw you after so long I remembered why I loved you so much as a friend. I wanted to save our friendship, all of our friendships. So I poured my heart out in a letter, in a letter that I hoped would explain everything that I was going through. What did you do to that letter? Did I just remind you that you had it?

             Writing and giving you that letter made me think that now you would understand me more. That the next time I would have a “fall out” you would do everything in your power to keep me from rolling up in a corner. That didn’t happen. You might say you tried but sending me funny snaps does not apply.

             What hurt more than anything is when you guys never had time to hang out. All you said is that I should understand the crazy schedule you guys had. Which I did. To a curtain extent. But you used that excuse too many times that it lost its meaning. I got canceled on several occasions. Because work was more important than me. I understand you have to pay bills, but at the expense of my feelings?

             That time we hanged out at Jenny’s house with Monique and you said you were going to go but you didn’t. That hurt. What made it sting was not the blade I was sliding gracefully along my arms, it was the fact that you texted Jenny and not both of us. That made me feel like you guys had a much more deeper connection then all of us together. Which is true, but I didn’t want to believe it. 

I needed you there. But you weren’t.

             When we had our Christmas party thing at IHOP I was so excited to see you guys. It had been weeks, again. Did you notice how my eyes shined? How happy I was to be around you guys? I still have your presents in my closet. Will you ever receive them? Almost seven months since that day. Seems like yesterday. I surely thought we were going to be ok.

             You invited me to go with you and Gabe later in January for your dogs first grooming. That was the last time I saw you.

             It was January the fifteenth. I was so depressed. I wanted to tell you. But I had to keep my emotions bottled up because that’s the best thing I know how to do well. I did tell you that we were on food stamps. I thought you were going to say that things will getter better or to hang in there at least, but instead you just said that you and Gabe were once on food stamps. That felt like you were waiving off what I was saying like it was nothing. 

             That day I needed a friend. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be ok. I needed comfort. Didn’t you notice how quiet I was? We barley even laughed that day. It was so awkward. Gabe told me about his credit card issues and I listened patiently.

             If we were sharing, was I supposed to say how much pain I was feeling? That I was cutting myself? That I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life? That my mom might have cancer? And I needed leg surgery?

             No, I’m not like those people. I don’t like to brag about my problems. I need a very secure place to vent. And a person who I trust in deeply and will truly listen. I thought you would. 

             Let’s flash forward to the night we were supposed to hang out on a Friday February 24. It was the Friday after the Friday I had canceled on you guys. I canceled that day saying it was raining to hard and I wanted to stay home. That wasn’t an excuse. But I’m glad it did rain. I really didn’t feel like going. At that point I felt like I had been forgotten. I had been left behind. 

             The next Friday was a different story. I was going to go. I wanted to go. But then Jennifer suggested we go out to eat I said that I would eat at home. Then she said she would get pizza. I already had doubts of going. But then when she asked you to bring chips. That’s what made me feel bad. I didn’t have money. Not even for the fucking dollar store. And her asking you in the group message hurt my feelings. I was going to go empty handed? Take in mind I was already in my car. Then that made me freeze. And I couldn’t go. My body didn’t move. So I stayed and turned my phone off. 

             I didn’t mean to stand you guys up. But my brain wasn’t functioning how it was supposed to. I was all over the place. You guys were living life here and there and I couldn’t even pay for anything I felt terrible. I didn’t want to hold you guys down. So I backed away. I thought maybe without me you guys would be happier. I’m sure you got tired of hearing I didn’t have money. What a drag. 

             Once our communication came to a hualt I found out my mom had cancer. Where were you? That day I went out side and ran.  I didn’t know why but running out of breathe felt good. Everything was falling apart and I had no one to run to. No one to talk to. I had to suck it all up and play the strong one for my mom and brother. It hurt so much. I might have lost part of my sanity. Things haven’t changed much. They are what they are. But I do miss you. 

              You finally texted. It felt so good to see your name on my phone screen. It made me feel like nothing between us ever happened. Like I received a text from you everyday. Thank you for making the first step. Now On two days when we meet up again how will it be like? Will I be able to tell you everything I feel? Everything that’s going on? What will you say? Will you apologize for not trying hard enough? Will you believe me when I say I’m truly sorry I have caused you so much pain? How can we ever go back to the way it was? When we had 100% trust in each other. Did we ever? Will we ever? Will we now? Now that you know the truth. 

             


             That was a while ago. I haven’t seen you. I have been wanting to. I messaged you and Jenny on Snapchat in group. Told you guys exactly what was going on. Thanks for the support. They you messaged me alone to go to a dog park. Do you still not see it? I want to talk to you. No one else but you. I love Gabe but you were the one that made me feel better. You and Jenny. But, will we ever be better? At being friends? I don’t know anymore.

Every Single Dark Thing 

             I did it. I finally told my friends what was going on. From my moms cancer to my work/immigration related problems. I felt guilty. That I was blocking them out. That I wasn’t talking to them. And maybe deep down I thought that they could help me. In a way. So I wrote a very long letter. 

             I explained everything. How it all started, how I felt, how I feel they should have tried harder to talk to me. Every single dark thing I was feeling. I wrote it down. Then sent it through group chat. It was very relieving. But at the same time I was scared to death. 

             But all of this was because of Moneque. I saw her today before she leaves for Alaska. She just came back from a rave in Vegas. She’s everywhere. And somehow we are supper close, yet not best friends. You know that person who you don’t see very often, yet you have this unspoken connection and will bare all too? Yeah her. 

             I told her  everything and she listened. She told me that I should just tell them also. What else did I have to lose? I was slowly losing them anyway. And they were slowly losing me. 

             So now I’m waiting for a response. What will they say? Will they blame me? Will they apologize for not trying hard enough? For not asking what was going on? Or will they ignore me just as I had ignored them? 

Rejection 

            It’s crazy how we as human beings always have to be a part of something. We always have to feel wanted. And when we don’t, the feeling of rejection feels like fire consumming up a beautiful green forest in the middle of the night. It feels like a knife slowly erupting from within the heart cutting circulation and cutting life itself. At least for me it does. 

            That’s pretty much how I have felt all my life. One of my main fears, if not my number one, would be, rejection. It feels awful. One of the worst feelings someone can have. Specially when all you have ever wanted was to be part of something, to be, involved. 

            Everyday at work the coworkers I associate the most with and I always sit at the same table. We have marked it as our table. Not literally of course but mostly everyone knows that it is where we sit on our breaks and lunches. But some times someone new or just another random employee will sit there. That won’t make my coworkers sit else where though. They will just pull up a chair and sit around them. 

            It may seem rude but they are polite and say hi and offer their food or snacks. Maybe we should sit somewhere else? Maybe we should get there earlier? But we don’t. 

            Today though was different. I got ther last and all the seats were taken. It’s a table for four, and I was number seven. I pulled up a chair and Mr. Brown who was sitting at a near by table said, “Dam man! There’s a free table right there.” 

           I felt really bad. Yes, I could have gone to that table and sat alone. And even though I don’t consider my coworkers friends they are still close associates I talk to. As bad as it sounds they are there to fill the empty void I would feel if I was alone. 

            When Mr. Brown said that, it made me feel bad. Bad that I wasn’t brave enough to sit alone. Bad that I always had that feeling of rejection in the back of my mind that I had to avoid. Bad that I always had a feeling of being wanted. Bad that I had to sit at that table to feel part of something. Bad because I was just using them to not feel alone. 

But, am I the only one?

Mean

          Why are people so mean? Or is it that I just live in a ghetto city? Where people don’t give a fuck about what they say or what they do? Where they don’t care how they treat people, or let alone, if they hurt them? Where they only think about themselves?

          Or maybe I was raised right. I was raised to be respectful. I was raised to be kind and to care about others. To treat others the way you want to be treated. But what if you don’t get that in return? Still, I continue to be nice. Am I too good for this city? Or am I just too humble?

          At work there is a wide long cold distance between girls. Some don’t talk to each other because one didn’t say hi to the other for one day. Others because they simply forgot to invited them to a work birthday lunch, then all the sudden they are sworn enemies. All this is so stupid, but why do you girls live like this? It’s almost like they like it. But when they go home do they not feel the pain that the other person must be in? Wondering why they did the things that they did? 

          Then there are guys who, I don’t know why, but for fun they like to say ‘fuck you’ to each other. THERE IS NO POINT IN THIS. So why do it? Then there is that masculinity bullshit. My dick this my dick that, pussy, pussy, pussy. Who cares? Well, actually, who ever does care is one stupid person with no life goals. There’s more in life than your dick dude. 

          I just want to meet a genuine kind person. Not someone who at first will seem like a nice lovely rose, but then turn out to have the most vicious and sharpest thorns of them all. 

          I wish people would be nicer. I wish people would think before they say their hurtful words. I wish people could see how their words can affect people. I wish they could change. But it’s not up to me. That’s the sad part. 

Stressed Out

          Today was truely a hectic day. I wasn’t expecting everything to go the way that it did. In the morning things were looking up. I settled into my bosses chair and took to do the work she usually does. It was nice being in control. People started saying how I was going to take her spot. Which maybe one day I will. 

          Later in the day I saw for my own eyes why she was always stressed. She has to put up with other departments bugging her for inventory issues. I swear, I couldn’t get started on my own work without being interrupted by other people with negative locations. At first I felt good that I was needed. But then I saw that it was a little overwhelming. I don’t know how she does it. Our inventory manager said I did a good job today which made me feel a little better. Then again I don’t know if she was serious or just being nice. 

          Monday she won’t be around so that will be another day to show people my skills. And hopefully she’s back on Tuesday. Even though I do like the job, I’m still not getting paid what she is so why should I do it? This chance did provide me with a fifteen minute spotlight so management can see that I am useful. 

           My work permit has yet to come. It’s really frustrating. It’s stressing me out so much. My back has been aching for more than three weeks now an I think it’s because I’ve been really stressing out. I called to check on my status and they told me it’s still in process. Which technically isn’t bad but I would like it to get here before June and before I get fired and my currant permit expires. 

           One thing that did surprise me was that an old friend texted me and told me to right her a recommendation letter. I was a manager at a fast food place when I met her. It’s strange how that’s what made her text me. She only needed me to her convienoence. It kind of hurt my feelings but I’ll do the letter anyway. My big heart won’t let me be mean to her. I have to learn to forget and forgive. So much is going on right now that just adding enemies to the list of things isn’t going to help anyone out. 

          Tomorrow should be a better day. I’m going to start it off with a hike, then I’m going to get an oil change followed by a hair cut. In the afternoon I’m going to see Gardiams of The Galaxy 2. I loved the first one, and even though I’m not as a big fan as my brother is of Marvel, I still loved it. So tomorrow shall be a better day and today shall end soon. But what does the rest of my future have in store for me?