Donnie Downer

So Journal,

Right after the Wallflower post, I got a call from a friend I have been ignoring because she is so happy about life and I honesty can’t stand that, (because obviously I hate life and black is my favorite color and I wake up to My Chemical Romance every day). -Not true-

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I told her everything I have been going through and she really did understand because she has kind of a similar back story that I do, that’s why we have maintained our friendship for so long. She basically told me to stop being a Donnie Downer (AKA the male version of Debbie Downer. She’s not wrong, I have been focusing on everything that is going bad in my life and that’s really not mentally healthy.

After telling me that I should be less bitchy about life in a nice way she really did help me feel better. The day after, (Friday) I was supposed to go to other friends house. I hadn’t seen these friends since Christmas because of their schedules. But it was raining so hard that I decided to call that off and just stay home in case, you know, we flooded and died. I’m scared to see them since we have grown apart since I quit my last job where I met them both. They still work there but I couldn’t stand it there so I quit.

Anyway, Saturday was fun! I got an oil change for my car and also went out to eat with the family at this cool taco place in Riverside call Tio’s Tacos. It’s a cool place with great food. The environment is really friendly and the way they used trash to make everything is really creative (the art not the food, yaa nasty). Sure, some of the things are freaky and border line creepy (like the dolls and stuffed animals hanging from the trees), but that’s what makes it unique and I just love that.

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I passed this place more than a couple of times until one friend took me there after her jury duty. It was nice, at the end of summer so super romantic. This time it was really peaceful and my mother really enjoyed it. My brother was the one that wanted to go to this other place closer to home because the “tacos are bigger there.” Which in his defense yes they probably are but I wanted a torta.

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Then we went widow shopping and another friend texted me to  hang out, (I know it sounds like I have a lot of friends but it’s just like two or four of them I swear and basically I only see them once a moth so calm down, I’m not a friend whore).

We ended up eating a full box of pop corn while watching Keeping Up With the JonesesIt’s a pretty funny movie. Really generic and cliché though. New neighbors move in, the most normal and boring neighbors are suspicious of them. Which later gets them in trouble by finding out their new neighbors are actually spies and they get involved in the mission.

Now, as the weekend is coming to an end I feel that it was a nice weekend. No one died, (yet). We have food in our fridge for now and a roof over our heads so I should be grateful for that. I appreciate what I have and I am thankful. Thank you God. (Or universe, higher power, faith and hope, or anything that was involved).

Tomorrow (after seven months) the company that I work for will finally hire me. So I will no longer be a temp, I will be a real associate. I will finally feel like I actually work there. Not to mention the ten-cent raise, yay. *Throws confetti in the air* I’ll let you know how it goes Journal, for now before I sleep I shall watch a couple of episodes of New Girl to cheer me up. She is my soul mate!

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2/19/2017

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Call Me The “Professional Wallflower”

Dear Journal,

So, I was thinking (which is never a good idea, for anyone) that I think I my have social anxiety. Like any other normal person the first thing I did after my self diagnose was go straight to the internet. I googled social anxiety. I do relate to many of the things that describe the “social phobia.” Yes, I do have problems starting and holding a conversation with a human being, (I conversate better with animals, they understand me).

It’s more than just not being able to speak to people. When I’m out or even at work I hate when people look at me. Not sure what that’s all about, but I feel that it should be included if were talking about this subject. Also, not to mention that if there are more than four people in a conservation that I should be part of, I am not. I tend to blend in the background and slowly fade away with the color of the paint on he wall, (I should be a spy). Call me the Professional Wallflower. 

This is where it gets dark, FYI Journal. Most of the time I hate being around people. The bad thing is that they are my friends. Yes I will admit, that, I have canceled on my friends many many times. I have also been guilty as to not reply to their text messages sometimes to not engage in a conversation…over the phone. How pathetic is that? I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, I’m just scared of what I’ll say. I hate being quiet so my brain is always thinking of the next thing I’m going to say or what the next topic is going to be about, that at the end of the night all I would said is, “this pizza is good.”

I don’ know why I feel this way. I think it has to do with my life. I haven’t had one of the luckiest of lifes out there but it’s not that terrible. A lot of lows and one or two highs is a better way of describing it. There’s a lyric from a song by Twenty One Pilots that goes;

“While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I
Who have a really tough time getting through this life
So excuse us while we sing to the sky”

 

I LIVE by these lyrics so much. Sometimes I hear people say “I was once shy, now I’m crazier and louder  than my mother,” or “I used to be bullied for being a wimp and not having friends, now I’m the life if the party.” And I think to myself, how did they do it? Did they go to a special seminar? Did they read a motivational book? Hypnosis? Therapy? Aliens? Drugs? I have no clue but I know I would do anything to be more outgoing. To hold at least a two-minute conversation before getting all red flushed in the face and slowly awkwardly walking away and waving bye like a fifth grader, I’m twenty-two for crying out loud (in the corner!)

Well that’s all I had to say Journal. Excuse me while I go ignore some text messages and binge on some hours on Netflix without any social interaction or human contact and bury my feelings deep deep deep down inside.

 parar-a-menstruacao

2/15/2017