What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

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Ghosts Of Halloween Past

Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.

This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.

Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.

I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.

What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.

Just another Halloween.

Forgiving Friend

Friends can be a blessing, but sometimes they can be a curse.

I came out to a friend a while ago. He took it pretty well. Said he didn’t see me any differently. I appreciate that of him.

But then, all of the sudden he started getting busy. Not having enough time to hang out with me and when he wasn’t doing anything he would just do nothing. He would suggest we go out, or hang out at home. All I needed was quality time together.

Then he started to be shady. I hate shady. He began being indirect. One word answers. So I did what I usually do when I’m frustrated. I started to ignore him.

I pushed him away thinking he would stop me. I stopped talking to him completely.

Why he did surprised me. He came to my house. And told me that we needed to fix this. I told him how he let me down. How I feel like he would be different. How I feel like I’m carrying this friendship on my back.

In the end he apologized and I as the forgiving friend that I am forgave him. Will things change? I have no clue. But I am hopeful. I want them to. I want him to participate more on us.

It would be nice if he changed. But then again I shouldn’t try to change him. But he needs to understand that I have him everything of me , and I except that in return.

Bold

I’m sitting in a fast food restaurant I used to work at and despise. Now I’m calming eating  and munching on the chicken sandwich like it was the best thing I’ve ever had.

 

I was supposed to meet up with a friend here to go watch a movie. She said it was way to cold and her bed was way to comfortable. So she didn’t arrive. I told her I’m going to watch this movie with or without you. She told me I was bold.

 

Am I? Has there never been a person that has entered a movie theater alone to see a movie? I know it sounds pathetic and the old me would have probably never thought of such a thing.

But I’m tired. Tired of people canceling on me and ruining the fun. Who said I absolutely need someone by my side 24/7? I don’t. (Don’t tell my anxiety).

 

If if I have to go through this life alone but do the things I want and make myself happy, then so be it. I have to stop depending on others for happiness. Because at the end of the day, I’m the only one I can trust.

 

Brother To Brother 

            I’ve heard stories about it and actually seen it happen in real life, but I never thought it would actually happen to me. 

            Family has to have the strongest bond. You see them every day and they basically know all you deepest secrets. You’re close to them like no one else. They know what you like, what you don’t, and your deepest desires. So what happens when they no longer want to carry on with that bond? 

            My brother isn’t the most social person. He isn’t loud, he doesn’t make friends easily. I understand that because I know how that feels. He’s seventeen now and really unmotivated. All he does day in and day out is spend his day on his phone or playing video games. 

            I ask him to wash dishes, or do something that needs to be done around the house. He gets up set and does it with a bad attitude.  

            I wonder if it’s just him or maybe that’s how every single teen is now a days? With the advancement of technology everyone just wants to sit and not do anything. My mom and I have encouraged him to get a job but he doesn’t want to. 

            Now he barely talks to me. Or gives me the silent treatment. I’m not forcing him to be someone else, I just wish he was a little more motivated. 

            Doesn’t he think that we need help? I know my moms cancer isn’t affecting him in this way because he was already like this before we found out about the news. Even so, that should motivate him to work and grow as a person. Not sit on the couch and just shoot at aliens all day. 

            I told my mom that I was going to take him out to lunch and talk to him. Just brother to brother. I don’t want to loose our connection and our relationship. He’s the closest thing I have to a friend. He is family and I want us to be in each other’s life forever. 

            I don’t want to end up like those stories, where brothers go their own ways never to talk to each other again. That’s tragic, and awfully sad. But is it too late?