She Deserves The World 

             The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow is my mothers surgery. How does she feel? How do I feel? It’s pretty much a conjunction of feelings all wrapped up into a ball, something along the lines of a rubber band ball. Remember those? 

             My mom is scared of going down. She’s afraid the doctors will put her under for too long and she might not come back. I try comforting her by telling her that the doctors know what they’re doing, but I’m not going to lie,  I’m hell of nervous as well. 

             We are getting a lot of support though. It’s nice to see what people who actually care about you will do for you. Our neighbors and our landlords are being very supportive. Some of my moms friends will also go with us tomorrow. Gabriel will be there. He insisted he wanted to go. I told him it was fine. 

I have been group chatting with Eli and Jenny on Snapchat. They have been sharing funny pics here na dthere in the efforts to make me happy or cheer me up. At least that’s what I feel, or take away from it. It’s nice if them. But they haven’t asked me about my mom which kind of bothers me. I gave them the date, they should at least say something supportive, even if it’s cheesy I’ll talked it at this point. But maybe they will tomorrow, who knows? 

             Right now I feel on both sides. I feel like everything will go fine. Then again, I feel that something will go wrong. Stupid doubt. I don’t really know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Nervous out of my mind, but I’m trying to keep the up most positive attitude. It’s draining to say the least. 

             It sucks that this is happing. I know, we might not deserve the world, but we most certainly do not deserve this. Especially my mother. She does actually deserve the world. Everyone we have told said that if they can’t go that they will keep us in their prayers. I appreciate that. I too will pray my heart out. 

Work In Progress 

            I took a nap late in the afternoon and now I can’t sleep. So, hello Internet, what’s good? 

             Well, after last week I didn’t know if I would be going to work this week. (Immigration issues). I didn’t want to write about it until I knew I was for sure going to stay. I talked to Jose and he said all the paperwork was sent to HR and if it was important they would have responded so he’s just going to leave it like that. Better for me! 

             Plus, he said were not doing anything wrong. It’s not like it’s fraud or anything. My application was submitted, it was accepted, and now I just need my work permit to arrive. It’s taking awhile. Thanks Trump. *Rolls eyes* 

             Speaking of Jose I also talked to him about my moms surgery. Not a lot of people at work know about it. Just him my supervisor and a close coworker. It’s official. It will be June 27th.

             Yes, I’m nervous and scared but I’m hopping for the best. I asked for that day plus the rest of the week off. And seeing that July the Forth is the following Tuesday (and we have it off) I asked for Monday off as well. He said it was cool. He even asked if I needed more time off. I said that was enough, I do need to pay bills. We will have some help from family and friends. No doubt that this summer will be overwhelming to say the least but I just want my mom to get better. 

             I apologized to Gabriel for not going to his graduation party. He said it was ok, that there was no need to apologize. He knows me and knows that I’m not much of a talker. I have to trust and know you 100% to let my feelings out. Or else I’m the equivalent to a rock. Though, I need to stop doing that. Saying I’ll go somewhere and not show up. I should at least say something. Work in progress I suppose. 

             I have been watching a lot of videos about shin splints. (Leg injuries). I really want my legs to get better so I can continue to run. There is so much that has to do with your leg muscles and all that stuff. How to run right, step right, the right shoes, and even having sturdy hips. Who knew? I’ll work on it though. Need to get back to running as fast as I can. 

              I’ve also been working on some posts. Letters mainly. I can’t send them to the people that they are written for but I feel getting it out there is a start. Maybe someday I’ll tell them that I have a blog? I have also been working on my own story. Mainly like a miniseries of posts about my main struggles. It’s dark and it’s taking me a while. But I feel good after it’s out there, written down and I’m not carrying it with me. Make sense? Maybe. But for now I shall sleep.

Good night Internet. 
              

             

Pointless 

            This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed. 

             Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work. 

Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful. 

            I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave. 

            The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not. 

             Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot. 

            Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though. 

             I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless. 

            Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in  four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them. 

            Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by? 

A Walk In The Park

           Yesterday I was surprised with a text from a person I hadn’t talked to in a while. It was nice. I really wasn’t expecting it. We had a fall out, mainly my fault, I believe. But it was nice of her that she reached out. 

           So now tomorrow we are going to go for a walk at a near by park or catch up. I’m glad she suggested a walk and not a dinner or lunch date, since money is always an issue with me. A walk in the park never costs money. 

           I don’t really know how much I’ll tell her. If I’ll tell her everything or just bits and pieces.  It all depends on how I feel the environment around us. I wish I could just open up and explain why I have been so distant but that’s just not who I am. 

          In other news, my mom finally got approved for her medical. That is like a mega super weight off all of our shoulders. We have been fight for a while now and she took the whole morning along with her case worker to figure out what was going on and they finally fixed it. In 48 hours she should be good. Now we just need to wait for an appointment date for the surgery. 

            Maybe things do work out in the end? But I still think they don’t get better. 

You Wait For The Perfect Outcome, But We Don’t Live In A Perfect World 

Dear Journal, 

          I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time. 

          So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females. 

          Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.

          I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out. 

          My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time. 

           I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world. 

          Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us. 

4/20/2017