I Will Not Break

I’m sitting in a target parking lot. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m highly stress, but I refuse to to let anyone know. I refuse to step down from where I am and say that I am not ok. I refuse to have people pity me and feel sorry for everything that is going on in my life.

My mother goes into an intensive ten hour surgery this Friday. It has high risks and it also has benefits. Not to mention her car just broke down today.

Life is testing me. I will not break. I am strong. I refuse to cry. I am not weak.

I’ve been through so much that this just seems like another hill. I’m not cocky, this is not confidence. This is me telling myself that I can do it. That whatever this is will soon be over. Good or bad it will have I happen and I will have to move on.

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Yesterday

Yesterday was a very eventful day. I took the day off at my first job just to have enough time do do everything I had to do. I have been putting off things for so long that they were catching up to me. Plus, my mom needed to fix some issues with the medical insurance and I wanted to be there.

First we went to her old primary doctor. She’s not her doctor any more but we love her for all the help she provided when my mom was going through the tests for breast cancer. She told us to go to the county hospital to apply for a financial aid for my mothers reconstruction surgery.

Once we went there and filled out all the paper work we got approved . The girl there said that it wouldn’t cover everything but that’s fine what ever helps is good right now. After that I changed my primary care to my moms clinic and her doctor because she’s a pretty good doctor .

Later got a hair cut cause I gotta look fly. Also cooked, cleaned , and did some laundry before heading over to my second job.

I’m glad I had the day off. I did so much things other then the ones I mentioned. Having two jobs is stressful. My time is limited. And sometimes I feel like I can’t go on, but some how I do. And some how I feel like everything will be alright.

Alone

Yesterday as I was coming home from work from my second job when I burst into tears. I was so full of emotion, I was so full of feelings, and I think things were getting to me. Working two jobs is already stressing but let alone having life throw you curveballs is just some other type of bullshit.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m actually doing what I am and I am actually accomplishing everything I’m trying to. But there are times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about all my shit. Be as real as I could with them. Tell them all my darkest secrets, without them undermining my problems.

My friends are great I love them. I have a great time with them. But that’s all, a great time. Just fun fun fun. I want to be real. My family. I am the rock . They can not see me feeling down. They cannot see me give up. I have to be strong for them.

So who do you talk to when you feel this alone? I’m not saying I want to cry to someone, no. I want to have a real conversation. A real connection. One with words and head nods. One where a simple gesture will tell so much. I know it won’t solve it. That’s not why I want it. I just want to be listened to. To be heard. To get things off my chest.

I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. This is much deeper than that. This is heart to heart. The things I have to say aren’t for people who will use it against me when they first can. The things I have holding me down are things so personal to me. So personal, so private, so deeply hidden, that they make me feel alone.

I’m like the ocean. Cool, calm, and collected, always shining best when being hit but the rays of the sun. But then night falls and waves will hit, bringing down anything in its grasps. Creatures will come out and cause havoc. The coldness of the water freezing over the warmest of hearts. Dark, scary, sometimes angry. But most of all, alone.

Look What You Made Me Do

I made it out alive this week! Even though it was tough week I still made it out feeling satisfied. Friday was very stressful and I have to vent, so I’m sorry but here it is.

Since the department that sends things out at work is really heavy with orders, management decided to make everyone else do four hours of over time to help them out. Since I have another job I chose to two hours one day and the other two on a different day.

Friday was one of those days. And I was so tired from the whole week, like I had been sleeping four hours a day. I asked my lead if it was ok to go home after my eight hours. She said no, and them she asked our manager and apparently he also said no.

This pissed me off so much because she gets treated like a queen and no one says anything. Plus she had left early two weeks ago along with someone else on our department.

There is so much favoritism at this work place that I can’t stand it. So now, I’m done giving my all, I’m finished doing all the dirty work for them. I am the one that does the most in that department and I’m done being taken advantage. I’m finished being the nice guy.

This is all part of the new me. And its not my fault, this is what they made me do.

Working For The Man

I am tired as hell! I never thought working two jobs would make me feel this exhausted. And it’s my first week! But, on the plus side the days do go by faster, although that can also be looked as a bad thing seeing I’m wasting my young precious life slaving away to for Man.

So I wake up everyday at 5 in the morning. Get ready for my first job (which is full time) and get there at 6AM. I leave from there when I’m off at 2:30PM.

After that I have limited time to eat, change clothes, and drive to work and arrive at 4PM. At that job I’m there until 10 which is a total of 6 hours. For now, that’s my schedule but it could all change.

Anyway I get home at around 10:30 and get things ready for the next day. So I’m in bed by 11PM to restart the whole cycle again.

Hope this wasn’t too boring, like who wants to know what people do?

Basically I have time to do nothing. Even though this could be very stress full, I’m trying to stay polite and remind myself that’s it’s all for my mom. (And kind of for my self, don’t judge me!) Keeping a positive attitude helps a lot. Even when times are tough.

This weekend I am off from both jobs and I’m catching up with a friend who went to Alaska in the summer. Not because she wanted to see it but she went for a work. She’s back and I can’t wait to see her.

Later on that day it sure yet to what I will be doing but pretty sure I’ll be doing something.

What I really want to be doing is SLEEPING.