What I Have Become

I have been letting myself go recently. The past few weeks have been really hectic. I have been up and down and getting ready for my mother’s surgery and then bringing her home after having her at the hospital for a week of recovery.

Having little time and also being tired from going here and there really doesn’t give you the energy to make a healthy homemade meal. So, I’ve been eating out, and when I say eat out I mean eating out. Plus, it does not help when people want to help you out by also feeding you with fast food.

While I was at the hospital for a week with my mom, friends would bring me lunch and it was always something from a fast food place. I didn’t mind at first but now I’m feeling it. My hands, legs, and feet all feel the same to me. But my stomach and man boobs are screaming at me to stop.

Once I was sucked into the world of fast food I couldn’t stop. I didn’t stop. As a matter a fact, just today, I went to the store. While there, I bought three cans in Pringle’s. Why? I didn’t even have a craving for them I just got them because I felt the need to. I bought M&M’s. I had Starbucks. And to top it all off I went to McDonald’s and bought a McChicken sandwich.

I ate all of it myself. I sit here and realizing what I have become. Even now, I just finished two hotdogs. I wasn’t hungry. I was extremely still full. Why did I eat? All of the things I consume is out of satisfaction. Not because I need to eat it and not because I want to, it’s just to satisfy something that I am missing. What am I missing?

I’m not sure.

But what I am sure of is I need to get back to my routine. I need to get back to exercising. I need to get back to eating healthier. I need to find a better way to control my anxiety instead of just eating it.

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Big Ball Of A Mess

The beach is a relaxing place for me. When I think of the beach I think warm sand, soft breeze, nice sound of the waves touching the shore, and the sunlight shining from above like a ray of hope.

That’s exactly how I felt yesterday. I’ve been living my life really fast lately and I needed to take a break. Going to the beach and not working about anything or anyone really felt great.

A lot of things are piling up on me. For example, my dating life, I’m talking to all these guys and I can’t chose one because they aren’t what I want. My friends, I’m trying to divide my time between all of them yet none of them want to hang out with each other. And not to mention my moms upcoming reconstruction surgery for her breast cancer. Let alone me being and dancing in a wedding. It’s all a big ball of a mess.

That’s why I needed yesterday, and I got it. I headed to Malibu with my brother, mother, and two of my church friends. One of my friends I have been estranged with for the longest time. I actually wrote him a letter on this blog. We because close told him I was gay and then he vanished from my life.

But now, it seems he wants to be back in it. When I got home after dropping him off he sent me a text saying how sorry he was that he let our friendship die. That because of his stubbornness he wouldn’t let himself talk to me or be around me. He also said how he’d like to go back to where we used to be. I’m not gonna lie, this made my heart dance insanely.

He was there for me through all of my moms stages going into the beginning of her Breast cancer like no one else was. He stayed at the hospital with me the day of the first surgery. He was a good friend. And I can not lie I want that friendship back myself.

One of the guys I dated would like a second chance. I told him we had very different views and we always clashed about something. He said how that was ok and he really liked me. I’m not sure what to do or say to him. He’s just not my cup of tea anymore, the problem is I give second chances as if they were handshakes.

Back to the beach though, at the end of the day, I’d say the last thirty minutes. I was swimming and the tides were growing in size. I was swimming like I was all day, or like I always do when I go to the beach. The only issue is that this wave came at me with an agenda. To take me down.

All I remember is being body slammed into the floor and my back giving out, I yelled under water out of pain and naturally water filled my lungs. I shot up to the surface trying to speak but couldn’t. That had never happened to me before. I ran out of the water and layer down. The water evacuated my body and that’s when I felt the pain in my back. I laid on the grown for a few minutes before returning to the water. The piercing coldness is the water felt great on my back and for a moment it was like I had never been assaulted by the ocean.

My back only started hurting once I was out again. Driving home was excruciating. Not to mention sleeping. I bought some patches to put on my back and they did help some. Now I’m sore. I didn’t go to work either. And today all that I have done is sleep. Which is good because I have been missing out on that for weeks.

Two of my friends made my day. One works at a pizza place and made a custom made pizza for me, and another at a Starbucks, who gave me a pumpkin spice frappuccino for free.

So I’m all, yesterday as much as today have been very relaxing days, and even though I semi broke my back, there’s always a bright side to everything. You just have to chose to see it.

I Will Be Heartbroken

My stomach is rumbling, and it’s not gas, it’s just full of emotions.

Today my boss did not come to work and neither will she be in tomorrow. She took today and tomorrow off to take care of some things. I have been in my position for a little under two weeks and I still don’t know half of what I should. That is only because there is so much to learn, and I will not be able to learn it in such a short period of time, but I’m getting there slowly.

The only thing that is kind of making me nervous is the Manager meeting that I will sit in to give the numbers for our department. I am not as nervous as I thought I would be which is good. But at the same time, I wouldn’t like to mess up in front of the big bosses.

Yesterday I spent some time with two of my friends. We went to Starbucks and gossip about our love lives and what not. One of them is going to Europe. She’s is going to be in Spain, there she will visit Madrid and Barcelona. And yes, I am very jealous, Spain is one of my favorite places, even though I have yet to visit. She says she thinks she’s in a relationship but her and her boo have not yet talked about it. I’m happy for her.

My other friend just came back from the Anime Expo in Los Angles. She brought me back a pin from the Death Note. I love that anime. I’m not that into anime but I do watch some here and there. She also told us about her dating life. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of six years. She’s not ready to get into a relationship yet, she said she just wants to date and have fun.

As for me, well I told them that I fell for yet another guy who will end up breaking my heart. It’s not his fault though. He straight up told me that he was leaving, because of work. I was the one who said who cares let’s enjoy this while it lasts. And honestly, as the days go by and we keep in contact I’m already starting to see how hard it’s going to be to see him go. I will be heartbroken to say the least.

I have a friend that went to visit where he mother came from. There she fell in love with some guy and she didn’t come back for a long time, almost a year. All of our friends told her she was stupid for doing so. I must confess that I also took part in telling her she was dumb for falling for someone who is in another country.

She came back and they broke up. One year later she had to go back to fix some issues her family was having with their properties over there, and guess what happened? Yup, she’s still over there. But, now that I am in this situation I had to call her and tell her that I finally understood why. Why she would do such a thing as to fall in love with someone who she isn’t supposed to. Or was she?

Was I? I want to think that it’s just infatuation. That when he leaves the feeling of wanting to be near him will vanish. That the feeling of wanting to talk to him every second I breath will evaporate. That the image of his smile and beautiful eyes will disappear from my brain. That his laugh will no longer ring in my ears and the sound of his beating heart won’t be there anymore.

I am in too deep now.

I Don’t Have The Answer

I’m sitting in my car outside of my local Starbucks.

I bought an ice tea to calm my nerves. Extra sugar light ice, just how I like it.

Yesterday I went out with a group of friends to eat at Applebee’s. It was nice. I tried my hardest to steer the conversation to anyone other than me. They are all doing well and they seem really happy.

One of them invited us to a party that’s going on this very second. I told them I might go. Of course that’s code for thank you but no. I don’t do parties.

I arrived home around midnight and woke up 4 hours later. Another friend texted me at midnight and I responded thinking she would be asleep. She replied almost immediately.

She wanted to talk about her boyfriend. Like always I’m everyone’s punching bag. Their safe place to vent. I’m always there for them. So I told her ok.

I met her at the gym and I told her I couldn’t go inside. She said it was lonely because it was 5AM. But still, having people stare at me while I work out just didn’t appeal to me. But suddenly I’m inside walking next to her on a treadmill.

She told me how her boyfriend got drunk with his friends and left her out to dry. This happens often, so it didn’t come out as a surprise. The thing is that she’s over it. She made a total mess in their room.

Later on in the day she called me crying saying that she got kicked out and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her. I was there for her and listened to her.

The friend that I came out to has been really distant. But then again he doesn’t show his emotions. It’s like he’s a wall. No, I have better conversations with walls.

He snap chatted me , life is good.

I started crying. I started gasping for air. I felt as if I as inside a balloon. Digging my fingers through rubber trying to escape. The air felt so thin. Heat burned my ears and my hands dripped with sweat.

There was a point when I didn’t even have tears. It was just the sound of pathetic sobbing. Out loud I heard someone repeat, I’m tired, over and over. I shortly realized that it was me.

My brain is playing me. My brain is tricking me into feeling things I do not wish to feel. I ask myself, how do I stop this? But like always I never have the answer.

Target, If You’re Reading This Please HIRE ME

I was thinking about considering getting a second job. Well, better said, I have already been considering getting another job. Well, better better said, I already applied to various jobs. Yesterday I went home and applied to a few just like I had on Monday.

I don't have a preference, I just want to work. I would like a part time because I already work 40 hours a week therefore if I would get another job then it would have to be maybe around 20 hours or so. Sounds like I'm being interview right now.

Anyway, the reason being I got bills and they ain't getting paid. Since my mom can't work and my brother is so unmotivated to help, I, like most of the time, have to do it all. Plus I want to save money just for emergencies, because you never know.

So I applied to Target, Walgreens, some fast food restaurants, and Dollar tree. If I had to choose which one I really wanted I would choose Target. I love Target. If I need anything or everything that's where I go. Don't really know why. Maybe it's the people? The environment? How clean and nice everything looks? That it has a Starbucks? I think it might be the last one.

So Target, if you're reading this, HIRE ME. Please. But it's cool if you don't. I will be heart broken but still shop at your stores. But I will keep applying with persistence don't think I won't!

Since my mom can't drive her car, she lent it to a friend so it wouldn't just be sitting there. And since she's driving it, the friend, did the oil change with a well known friend of ours. He also told her to change the motor air filter which she did and that the car needed new spark plugs. She told me and I said ok let's buy them. Even though she's driving the car I didn't make her pay them all herself. I know she's going through a hard time too right now so why make it harder?

The smog is do before October so hopefully we get it all done by then. My mom wants her to pay for it since she's driving it but it's still our car. Do you see how nice I am? The car is in great condition so it will most likely pass.

Tomorrow I take my mom see the oncologist finically. He'll tell us everything about the cancer and tell us how much chemo my mom will need. I'm hopping for good news.

Other than that nothing else has happened. My life is kind of boring except when bad things happen. If my life was a movie it would win an Oscar for best Drama.