Reconnecting

So, this week as been a bit crazy. I have been getting up to date with friends and its so much fun. A whole lot of things have happened since the last time I saw them.

First thing is first though, Thursday, I went to the orientation for my second job. I really didn’t learn much just signed a bunch of paper work. Then after signing my life away we got a tour of the work place. It seems really chill, and I am excited to start working there. When a I got the chance of watching or shadowing someone to see what it really is that ill be doing, it seemed overwhelming. The typing I think I have down its the taking down the information when someone calls will be the difficult, but I’m a quick study.

Then yesterday I got together with an old coworker that I knew from one of my past jobs and another one of my friends. We went hiking and it was fun and we even saw a beautiful sunset right before started to rain. Then we just chit chatted at our cars for a while before going home. It was nice seeing them.

Right now I just came back from seeing another friend that I also kinda shunned out of my life a while ago. So basically this whole week I have  been reconnecting with old friends.

Other than that its been a chill week.

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We Are All Humans 

            Today at work they showed us a couple of vidoes. Due to the fact that it’s diversity week they wanted to emphasize that just the type of our skin isn’t what makes us diverse, it’s also where we come from, how we grew up, and the obsticles that we have to overcome in life. 

            One of the videos was about a boy named Owen Howkins. He has a rare muscle condition that has only been known to affect 33 people in the whole world. It’s such a heart warming story of him and his dog. How they help each other out and gave one another a brighter day. A new look on life. So in other words, diversity includes all of us. We have to learn to accept everyone. We are all humans. And we all want the same thing, to be accepted

            I got teared up when I watched the video. It’s sad to say that many people thought it was a waste of time, saying how that company time would have worked better for them if they were actually working. Those people make me angry. We need to learn about others, share ideas, grow! How can we understand the rest of the human race if we have don’t know what they go through? Even in our own race. There are things that we don’t go through. Things that we do and they don’t. By sharing and getting to know one another we came help each other out. But my coworkers are very closed minded people I suppose. 

                                  •••

            The rest of the day was better. Tomorrow I’m going to an all day assembly at church again. I missed last Friday so my mom, my brother, and a friend (Gabriel), and I are going tomorrow. Should be nice. 

            Saturday I have the color run with Gabriel. Then I have an eye exam. I need new glasses now. I have no clue how the hell I’m  seeing through these. They are all scratched and blurry. It’s actually a miracle I can see through them at all. 

            I was invited to a party… well, a youth party. One of the teen girls from church is having one at her house. Seeing as I’m shy and antisocial I don’t know if I’ll go. She’s 19 and very loud. I don’t do loud. I do board games and fancy lemonade. So I don’t know if I’ll go. Unles Gabriel convices me. But we all know how that ended last time

            Sunday will be a chill day and I’ll wait and find out what it has in store. Each day has its own worries so why worry about the next? 

Fun Friday

Dear Journal,

          Today was actually looking like it was going to be a good day. Yes, I was almost late to work but I think I have made that a habit. There was a car crash near, well actually right on the corner of work, that made me a little later than I usually am. Once I was inside and we were all hearing the numbers of the work day, we started Fun Friday. Fun Friday is basically a raffle that the company does every Friday if you wear what that that Fun Friday theme is. Fro example, crazy hair day, or mismatch shoes, etc. If you participate you get a ticket. If you win then you receive two movie tickets.

          I had lucky number thirteen at the end of my numbers on my raffle ticket. (There was no theme this week so they just gave a ticket to everyone). There was a split second where I didn’t believe it. Me? Win something? I had to recheck the numbers to see if I was correct, and yes I was! I raised my hand before they would move on and pick a different number. So there, I won movie tickets. It’s the second time I win, granted it has been about seven months though.

          Just when I was on my high, you know being Friday and actually winning at something, I was called to the office because HR had an envelope for me. When I revived it the person who handed it to me said just to bring back the information needed. I was too nervous to open it there so i opened it in the break room. Thank God there was none in there, because what I think was a gasp might have sounded like my soul was leaving my body. I somehow knew what was in the envelope. Nothing good, its always nothing good.

          It stated that I had until June eleventh to turn in a document that states that I am in this country legally. I’ve been in this country since I was less than a year old, I have no recognition of being in any other country. America is all I know. And excuse me, but I probably act more American than most Americans. Yet all my life I have struggled with this legal and illegal stuff. Of course, all I have to do is renew my work permit, which I did. Now I’m just waiting for. Hopefully it comes in time.

          I don’t  really know why this letter got me down so much. I was suddenly thinking how no one else has to go through this. It’s sometimes embarrassing when they run my Social and ask if everything is good and i have to pull out my work permit so they don’t think I’m some kind of criminal. On the other hand, I should be thankful. Which i am to a curtain point. A lot of people really don’t have any other options but I at least have this one, yet I think what will happen when it all ends and I wont be able to renew anything? I can go back to a country that, sadly I was born in but yet know nothing about. That’s the way life is right? Unfair? Injustice? Illogical? Just like our government.

          Anyhow, in the back of my mind I can’t stop thinking about tomorrows party. I know, me go to a party? Well, I just might. I was invited to a party. Some girl from our church that lives literally twenty feet from us. If it was any other person then of course my answer would have been yes, and I would have not shown up. But she happens to live right in front of us so there is no way out of this one. I mean I could just die, but I don’t see how that would solve anything, or would? My brain has been debating all day if I should go or not. I have no clue what I will do.

          So has today turned out to be a Fun Friday?  Initially yes, ultimately no.

 

4/28/2017

This Is Anxiety

Dear Journal,

          Have you ever been in a swimming pool? Of course you haven’t your a journal. But you, reader, have you? Have you ever been in a pool, at the deepest end, drifting to the bottom? Your lungs filling with water as you grasp the air above trying to climb out. Your hands grab at nothing, yet you think by moving more viciously you will be able to escape. You don’t. You can’t breathe but yet your still alive, you see everything clearly, and somehow in the back of your head you wish you didn’t. This is anxiety.  

          Have you ever had to speak in front of an audience? A large audience? Imagine feeling that ten times magnified, but you’re only speaking to one or two people. In your mind you’re wondering what your going to say. What if they dislike your comment? What if you don’t say enough? How will they treat you then?  Your eyes start to wonder around the room trying to distract your thoughts while they’re conversation  continues.  Have they noticed that you haven’t spoken? Your chest gets tight and the room starts to feel crowded. You wish you had never entered into that room. You wish you had never gone to that place. All you want is to be alone and leave that awkward and painful situation. This is anxiety. 

          Have you ever ever been invited to a party or a getogether? After the seventh time you get asked you are forced to go. You get there late. You stand alone, maybe pick a corner. As it gets more and more crowded you get more and more nervous. Who do you talk to? You don’t know anyone. You knew you shouldn’t have come. You promise yourself you’re never going to a party again. You blame the person who took you. Why did they leave you alone? Are they not a good enough friend? If you leave what will people say? But what are they saying now? Weirdo, creep, awkward, nerd, wallflower, dork, even jerk. You feel someone punch your chest yet you breathe like you just ran a 5k, but no one is at arms length near you. You run for the closest  exit. This is anxiety. 

           Even though these things happened weeks ago your mind flashes back and forth. What could you have done better? What am I going to say when I come across someone from the party? Or the person I awkwardly walked away from? What if they ask me to go again? How will I say no? Why do I feel like this? All of a sudden in bed you start breathing fast, you sit up, but way too fast because you get dizzy. Your muscles are sore but you have not done anything, maybe it’s the lack of sleep? Your brain won’t shut off. You feel restless and fatigued. You try to concentrate on one thing but you can’t, your mind is going around in circles, you can’t keep up. How do you go on in life? This is anxiety.


4/12/2017

Call Me The “Professional Wallflower”

Dear Journal,

So, I was thinking (which is never a good idea, for anyone) that I think I my have social anxiety. Like any other normal person the first thing I did after my self diagnose was go straight to the internet. I googled social anxiety. I do relate to many of the things that describe the “social phobia.” Yes, I do have problems starting and holding a conversation with a human being, (I conversate better with animals, they understand me).

It’s more than just not being able to speak to people. When I’m out or even at work I hate when people look at me. Not sure what that’s all about, but I feel that it should be included if were talking about this subject. Also, not to mention that if there are more than four people in a conservation that I should be part of, I am not. I tend to blend in the background and slowly fade away with the color of the paint on he wall, (I should be a spy). Call me the Professional Wallflower. 

This is where it gets dark, FYI Journal. Most of the time I hate being around people. The bad thing is that they are my friends. Yes I will admit, that, I have canceled on my friends many many times. I have also been guilty as to not reply to their text messages sometimes to not engage in a conversation…over the phone. How pathetic is that? I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, I’m just scared of what I’ll say. I hate being quiet so my brain is always thinking of the next thing I’m going to say or what the next topic is going to be about, that at the end of the night all I would said is, “this pizza is good.”

I don’ know why I feel this way. I think it has to do with my life. I haven’t had one of the luckiest of lifes out there but it’s not that terrible. A lot of lows and one or two highs is a better way of describing it. There’s a lyric from a song by Twenty One Pilots that goes;

“While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I
Who have a really tough time getting through this life
So excuse us while we sing to the sky”

 

I LIVE by these lyrics so much. Sometimes I hear people say “I was once shy, now I’m crazier and louder  than my mother,” or “I used to be bullied for being a wimp and not having friends, now I’m the life if the party.” And I think to myself, how did they do it? Did they go to a special seminar? Did they read a motivational book? Hypnosis? Therapy? Aliens? Drugs? I have no clue but I know I would do anything to be more outgoing. To hold at least a two-minute conversation before getting all red flushed in the face and slowly awkwardly walking away and waving bye like a fifth grader, I’m twenty-two for crying out loud (in the corner!)

Well that’s all I had to say Journal. Excuse me while I go ignore some text messages and binge on some hours on Netflix without any social interaction or human contact and bury my feelings deep deep deep down inside.

 parar-a-menstruacao

2/15/2017