There’s no other way to put that really. Can’t really sugar coat it either. I went to someone’s house and did the naughty? Any better? Well, that just sounds ridiculous.
So, in the efforts to start dating I downloaded a dating app that is supposed to connect you to a person who has the same interest as you and will eventually be a good fit for you. You answer questions and based off your questions they’ll set you up with someone who might have similar views as you.
What do most guys use it for? Sex. That’s the world we live in. It’s not, what are your goals in life? Or even, what do you do for fun? Nope. They done care what your doing or going to do with your life.
It’s more now, are you down to fuck? It’s sad, but since I really don’t care right now I said what the hell and headed on over to a guys house who I connected with. It had been a while since I did a one night stand so I was rather nervous.
I’m not one for one night stands, but if they are anything like todays was, there could be more in my future. Specially if the guy is hot. I’m not saying I’m full of myself but I also do know my worth.
Yes, my end goal is to find love. But if 9 out of 10 want sex, and 3 out of those 9 are attractive, why not half fun? (Being safe of course). One of my friends tried to scare me and said they could cut my body parts up and sell them on the black market, it’s the most morbid thing she’s ever said but I mean it could have some truth behind it, so I will be smart along with having fun, until the real man comes along and asks me to dinner instead of to bed.
I told my friend that this past weekend while we were on the beach. I was a little hoe at the end of last year only having one night stands here and there. It was fun I I’m not going to sit here and lie, but dating is different.
First of al there’s food involved. You get to eat out and chill. Plus, sometimes you get to try new things. You get to see things and experience them in different ways. Also, getting to know someone for the first time is always great. It’s like reading a new book.
At the end of the day you don’t have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. Sure, it’s always fun and if they want to stick around for a while that’s cool to. I’m just saying having someone to hold or just be held is really comforting for me, and I’m not a handsy person.
Yes, maybe I’m lonely, or sure, maybe I’m just jealous of what I see other people have. But that makes it ok not to want those things? I think not. Then there is the underlying question. What is it that I want in a relationship?
Its pretty simple actually. All I need is attention. I don’t need you to take me to an expensive. I don’t need you to take me to a private island or buy me things. I don’t even need you to shoe off for me. Sure, those things are nice but do I want them or need them? No. All I want is attention.
I want you to call me, text me, ask me how my day is. I want you to invite me over and talk to me. I want to know how your day was, what you want to do in the future. I want to know your opinions, what makes you laugh and cry.
I want to be able to sit in silence with you and not feel awkward. I want to breathe the same air that you breathe and feel like we are one person.
Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself but I think you get the picture.
I did it again. I know I shouldn’t have but when lonely comes knocking on your door there’s not much you can do except roll out the red carpet and let it in.
So two weeks ago I downloaded tinder. Don’t know why, ‘just cause’ could be a concrete answer really. Since I decided to give up on Love, I went the hoe route. Sleeping with random strangers.
In all honesty, no I don’t feel bad. When had a little fun hurt anyone? Ok maybe not the best example but still.
And hey, I work two jobs, pay all my bills and rent, take care of my family, put food in the fridge, and I’m generally a nice person. So who’s to say I can’t be a hoe once in a while? No one. You try to walk in my shoes see how long you last.
Along with being filthy, I’ve also been going out a lot. Getting closer with a friend. He doesn’t know I’m gay but that never comes up. Nor do I have the need to tell him . Does he know? Does it matter?
Any way this is my 100 post and I was going to do the whole thank you a and what I’ve learned about blogging but I’ll save that for later since I have to save time for hoeing around.
Let me explain. I have been on the quest for love ever since I can remember. Maybe since I was 17 years old. I would go in dating sites and talk to guys but would never actually meet up with them. I would never send the first message I was such a wimp.
Later on I decided dating apps weren’t for me but I would always go back to them once in a while. If I felt lonely I would download them. If I wanted love I would download them. It was an on and off kind of feeling.
Until recently I decided I was going to get love if I had to beg for it. So I downloaded some apps instead of waiting to get messaged I would sent out the first messages. I would get dates here and there but most of them just turned into sex rather than love.
It was all fun and games for a while but what I was really after I was not getting. And I wasn’t about to waste my time the limited time Ihave to just be people’s sex toy.
But it seems that everyone is only interested in sex. It’s such a stereotype in the gay community. It’s a bad rep. Really bad. And I’m tired of all of it.
I felt really pathetic when I looked back on all the apps I had download over the years. I took a count and it came up to 17 apps. Not counting the ones I download twice or up to three times.
I say this every time I’mdownloadinganymore apps. But I always go back no matter what. But this time it’s for reals.
No matter how I feel, I will not download those apps again. There are no more to download.
Yesterday as I was coming home from work from my second job when I burst into tears. I was so full of emotion, I was so full of feelings, and I think things were getting to me. Working two jobs is already stressing but let alone having life throw you curveballs is just some other type of bullshit.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m actually doing what I am and I am actually accomplishing everything I’m trying to. But there are times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about all my shit. Be as real as I could with them. Tell them all my darkest secrets, without them undermining my problems.
My friends are great I love them. I have a great time with them. But that’s all, a great time. Just fun fun fun. I want to be real. My family. I am the rock . They can not see me feeling down. They cannot see me give up. I have to be strong for them.
So who do you talk to when you feel this alone? I’m not saying I want to cry to someone, no. I want to have a real conversation. A real connection. One with words and head nods. One where a simple gesture will tell so much. I know it won’t solve it. That’s not why I want it. I just want to be listened to. To be heard. To get things off my chest.
I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. This is much deeper than that. This is heart to heart. The things I have to say aren’t for people who will use it against me when they first can. The things I have holding me down are things so personal to me. So personal, so private, so deeply hidden, that they make me feel alone.
I’m like the ocean. Cool, calm, and collected, always shining best when being hit but the rays of the sun. But then night falls and waves will hit, bringing down anything in its grasps. Creatures will come out and cause havoc. The coldness of the water freezing over the warmest of hearts. Dark, scary, sometimes angry. But most of all, alone.