I told my friend that this past weekend while we were on the beach. I was a little hoe at the end of last year only having one night stands here and there. It was fun I I’m not going to sit here and lie, but dating is different.
First of al there’s food involved. You get to eat out and chill. Plus, sometimes you get to try new things. You get to see things and experience them in different ways. Also, getting to know someone for the first time is always great. It’s like reading a new book.
At the end of the day you don’t have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. Sure, it’s always fun and if they want to stick around for a while that’s cool to. I’m just saying having someone to hold or just be held is really comforting for me, and I’m not a handsy person.
Yes, maybe I’m lonely, or sure, maybe I’m just jealous of what I see other people have. But that makes it ok not to want those things? I think not. Then there is the underlying question. What is it that I want in a relationship?
Its pretty simple actually. All I need is attention. I don’t need you to take me to an expensive. I don’t need you to take me to a private island or buy me things. I don’t even need you to shoe off for me. Sure, those things are nice but do I want them or need them? No. All I want is attention.
I want you to call me, text me, ask me how my day is. I want you to invite me over and talk to me. I want to know how your day was, what you want to do in the future. I want to know your opinions, what makes you laugh and cry.
I want to be able to sit in silence with you and not feel awkward. I want to breathe the same air that you breathe and feel like we are one person.
Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself but I think you get the picture.
In the years I have being an adult I have found that you can’t trust anyone. You can’t trust your companions, your friends, and sometimes you can’t even trust yourself.
Why is that? Why do some of us trust so easily? Oh thank you for opening the door for me, now let me tell you about my first heart break.
I don’t tend to just throw around my trust. But when I do get to meet someone that seems to understand me and see who I am, then I feel like I can trust them with secrets. I go all in. I don’t hold back. If I see in you that I can trust you, then you better be prepared.
But then again, if you break that trust. It’s down hill. I will not be able to trust as easily as I had before. What changed? Why would you betray me? How could you hurt us like that.
Trust is a huge thing. Some people have it some people don’t. Some people care for it, others just smile and nod them go off and stab you in the back.
Crushes. I hate them. I feel like they are childish. Even the word sounds a bit immature. At my age (23) I should not be getting these “crushes”. I should be building my relationships off of solid and concrete facts, not on “omg he’s so cute.”
So, there’s this guy at work, I never really had a crush on him before and I’ve known him for maybe a little over than a year now. But, as I have gotten to know him my thoughts about him have changed. He’s actually a really cool caring stand up guy.
We’ve gotten really close, and I’m not talking about like falling for each other close, I’m talking about “friends” close. He’s straight and I’m gay. He doesn’t know that I’m a flaming homosexual, only like 2 of my coworkers do. But that hasn’t stopped me from swooning over him ever time he smiles at me or stops me just to catch up.
Our relationship didn’t start to grow until he noticed I was real good friends which one girl he liked. He asked me for advice about how to get close with her and eventually ask her out. I thought, shit he’s actually straight. Because obviously I thought maybe he would out if no where come out.
But he didn’t, and even though it sounds stupid I loved talking to him and just being around him. It just annoyed me when we talked about that girl. She’s so pretty, she’s so cute, it was all blah.
The funny thing, is that when his crush went away from this girl because she was playing hard to get we started to get to know each other more. He would talk less about her and more about himself and also ask questions about me. I honestly thought maybe, just maybe, he could fall for me.
But no, he soon started talking about the girl once again. So now, here I’m left with all the good memories of our conversations. Hoping one day he’ll realize that I am everything he’s looking for.
So, this week as been a bit crazy. I have been getting up to date with friends and its so much fun. A whole lot of things have happened since the last time I saw them.
First thing is first though, Thursday, I went to the orientation for my second job. I really didn’t learn much just signed a bunch of paper work. Then after signing my life away we got a tour of the work place. It seems really chill, and I am excited to start working there. When a I got the chance of watching or shadowing someone to see what it really is that ill be doing, it seemed overwhelming. The typing I think I have down its the taking down the information when someone calls will be the difficult, but I’m a quick study.
Then yesterday I got together with an old coworker that I knew from one of my past jobs and another one of my friends. We went hiking and it was fun and we even saw a beautiful sunset right before started to rain. Then we just chit chatted at our cars for a while before going home. It was nice seeing them.
Right now I just came back from seeing another friend that I also kinda shunned out of my life a while ago. So basically this whole week I have been reconnecting with old friends.
I used to have many, well not many just a few, and by few I mean like two, friends. No, but in all seriousness I didn’t have many ‘pals’. I met them all in my first job. Fast food. And I didn’t really “meet” them there, I actually just reconnected with them. Some I know since school and hadn’t seen in years and some it was the first time I was meeting.
Even though it was hell working at that hell hole that will remain nameless because it deserves no promotion whatsoever I am great full of the few people I met while being there. But as time goes by and life gets to you how it got to me, we all started to drift apart. I tried reaching out but it didn’t work because I had burned bridges and there was no way of getting over it.
But the time has come, I am in a new place. Not literally of course. What I mean is that I feel somewhat better about how things are going. I have a second job on the way and my mom seems to be getting better by the day. All that’s next on my list for a better life is fix the friendships I left hanging while I was down on the grown.
I was thinking that they should be the ones coming for me. But really I was the one that pushed them away. And even if I didn’t, if I wanted them back in my life shouldn’t I make the first move as well?
Tomorrow I have a little date with a friend who just came back from spending eight months out of the country in her parents county of origin. She just came back two days ago, I think I haven’t seen her in a year now and I was really close to her. I can’t wait to see how she is doing and tell her everything that has gone on.
Also Friday. I’m hanging out with Jenny and Mina. Jenny I saw a week ago when we went to the park to walk Elis dog. But mina I also haven’t seen in a year. She said she really missed me and missed hanging out with me. My heart broke a little because I see how they all felt when I was locking them out. I have to start playing the victim and own up to the shit I have been doing. Maybe that way I can move forward.
I’m excited about this new place I’m in. On my way to a new me. Not a new me yet but I’m working on it.