Crush

Crushes. I hate them. I feel like they are childish. Even the word sounds a bit immature. At my age (23) I should not be getting these “crushes”. I should be building my relationships off of solid and concrete facts, not on “omg he’s so cute.”

So, there’s this guy at work, I never really had a crush on him before and I’ve known him for maybe a little over than a year now. But, as I have gotten to know him my thoughts about him have changed. He’s actually a really cool caring stand up guy.

We’ve gotten really close, and I’m not talking about like falling for each other close, I’m talking about “friends” close. He’s straight and I’m gay. He doesn’t know that I’m a flaming homosexual, only like 2 of my coworkers do. But that hasn’t stopped me from swooning over him ever time he smiles at me or stops me just to catch up.

Our relationship didn’t start to grow until he noticed I was real good friends which one girl he liked. He asked me for advice about how to get close with her and eventually ask her out. I thought, shit he’s actually straight. Because obviously I thought maybe he would out if no where come out.

But he didn’t, and even though it sounds stupid I loved talking to him and just being around him. It just annoyed me when we talked about that girl. She’s so pretty, she’s so cute, it was all blah.

The funny thing, is that when his crush went away from this girl because she was playing hard to get we started to get to know each other more. He would talk less about her and more about himself and also ask questions about me. I honestly thought maybe, just maybe, he could fall for me.

But no, he soon started talking about the girl once again. So now, here I’m left with all the good memories of our conversations. Hoping one day he’ll realize that I am everything he’s looking for.

But that’s highly unlikely to ever happen.

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Reconnecting

So, this week as been a bit crazy. I have been getting up to date with friends and its so much fun. A whole lot of things have happened since the last time I saw them.

First thing is first though, Thursday, I went to the orientation for my second job. I really didn’t learn much just signed a bunch of paper work. Then after signing my life away we got a tour of the work place. It seems really chill, and I am excited to start working there. When a I got the chance of watching or shadowing someone to see what it really is that ill be doing, it seemed overwhelming. The typing I think I have down its the taking down the information when someone calls will be the difficult, but I’m a quick study.

Then yesterday I got together with an old coworker that I knew from one of my past jobs and another one of my friends. We went hiking and it was fun and we even saw a beautiful sunset right before started to rain. Then we just chit chatted at our cars for a while before going home. It was nice seeing them.

Right now I just came back from seeing another friend that I also kinda shunned out of my life a while ago. So basically this whole week I have  been reconnecting with old friends.

Other than that its been a chill week.

New Place

Friends.

I used to have many, well not many just a few, and by few I mean like two, friends. No, but in all seriousness I didn’t have many ‘pals’. I met them all in my first job. Fast food. And I didn’t really “meet” them there, I actually just reconnected with them. Some I know since school and hadn’t seen in years and some it was the first time I was meeting.

Even though it was hell working at that hell hole that will remain nameless because it deserves no promotion whatsoever I am great full of the few people I met while being there. But as time goes by and life gets to you how it got to me, we all started to drift apart. I tried reaching out but it didn’t work because I had burned bridges and there was no way of getting over it.

But the time has come, I am in a new place. Not literally of course. What I mean is that I feel somewhat better about how things are going. I have a second job on the way and my mom seems to be getting better by the day. All that’s next on my list for a better life is fix the friendships I left hanging while I was down on the grown.

I was thinking that they should be the ones coming for me. But really I was the one that pushed them away. And even if I didn’t, if I wanted them back in my life shouldn’t I make the first move as well?

Tomorrow I have a little date with a friend who just came back from spending eight months out of the country in her parents county of origin. She just came back two days ago, I think I haven’t seen her in a year now and I was really close to her. I can’t wait to see how she is doing and tell her everything that has gone on.

Also Friday. I’m hanging out with Jenny and Mina. Jenny I saw a week ago when we went to the park to walk Elis dog. But mina I also haven’t seen in a year. She said she really missed me and missed hanging out with me. My heart broke a little because I see how they all felt when I was locking them out. I have to start playing the victim and own up to the shit I have been doing. Maybe that way I can move forward.

I’m excited about this new place I’m in. On my way to a new me. Not a new me yet but I’m working on it.

Dating

Dating. 

I have had my share of dates here and there but none of which have blossomed into healthy relationships. Probably the opposite . I’ve dated girls and boys, not bragging by the way. Although, I was wondering if it was time for me to jump in the pool again. Of course, by that I mean placing one toe in a few centimeters every minute or so. Like I said before, I’m not one to approach people and ask them out, so me making the first move would be so far fetched . 

In my first relationship I was young and didn’t know who I was yet. I was discovering myself. And I dated as the world had told me to. Boys date girls. It was a wonderful nonsexual relationship. We talked and had feelings for each other, as one does when one bonds and spends so much time with someone. But there was no physical attraction. 

After that I started to poke my nose in the “gay scene” more. I didn’t like it at all. Every app I had downloaded was all about sex. Sex sex sex. Nothing but sex. If you talked to a guy it was to find out who’s place the hook up would be at. Guys would only be interested in getting in your pants and not in your heart. Maybe I’m too over over romantic , or just a hopeless romantic period. 

Anyway, I dated guys here and there that didn’t seem to creepy and horny. It went well but I never found Mr. Right. Yes, ok, the guys I dated were charming and nice and what not, I mean I did chose to date them after all. But they weren’t what I wanted. Or what I needed. I have a complicated life so I need someone to be understanding and compassionate towards me. 

Which makes me wonder. I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. Is it time to go back? Or will my high standards never let me fall in love? Is my life just too complicated for just any one to handdle? Or am I just too dramatic? They say that there is a person out there for everyone, but maybe I am the only exception.

OMG! I’m fucking 23 for crying out loud

When I Stop Trying We Start Dying

Dear Journal, 

         I was thinking yesterday about my relationships. More specifically, the relationships that have to do with love and friendships. In these two fields I have past experience in. Not a lot but enough to talk about. These experiences should not be taken by the book since I am in fact alone

          So, then why was I thinking about them? Well, there is this thing called Snapchat, and the friend I have left and I have been communicating through it everyday, because you get a streak. Which is obviously the only reason we use it. I noticed though that I am always starting the conversation. I am always the one who sends the first message, or snap. 

          Yesterday, I was somewhat busy and decided that I would let him start the convo. We usually start talking when I send the first snap, which is usually around six AM. This time it was differant. It was near noon and still no sign that he was alive . No sign that he was ever going to start the interaction of words. So I, not wanting to lose the streak we have (which is at 53 days thank you), finally decided to send a good morning snap. I did not get any other response than “gm”. Until later in the day he told me what college he had finally chosen. 

          This had me thinking. Thinking about how hard I have to work for this friendship to work, let alone last. This threw me back in time to 2011. I was dating this girl. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. I liked her, didn’t know she liked me kind of senerio. I told her the same day I was moving away, two hours away, that I liked her which made her give her confession of also liking me. Very movie like kind of thing I now. Very romantic. Boy moves back and gets the girl. 

          FYI the guy didn’t get the girl in this one. We started long distance dating and we would visit each other from time to time. The whole relationship lasted a good six months. Until, well, until I stopped trying. I noticed she would only reply with one word answers. When we talked on the phone I was almost always talking. I wanted her to speak as well so I would ask questions but they seemed to get me no where. So I ended things. You think that she would cry or try to reason that what we had could be saved but no, she simply said okay. And we remained friends. Really far friends, that only speak every once in a year. 

          The same thing happened when I started dating other people. I would notice that I would be putting so much more in the relationship that I would just stop caring. I felt so used. Not only would I give my all, I would spend my money, time, and energy in those relationships. Just to get “okays” and “yeahs”. I don’t think so. Anyone who replies like they should just burn in hell because it affects a person who over analyzes too much, like yours truly. 

          Same thing with friendships. It seems that when I stop trying we start dying. Makes me wonder. Am I really that annoying? Am I annoying at all? Do I do things that bug people? Am I boring? Or possibly irritating? 

          So basically, what I want to be understood is that I’m done trying. It’s taking to much of me to keep up with all these relationships. I have to keep it together like glue on building blocks. It’s eating at me. 

          And it sucks because every time I’m sinking in the black hole of anxiety it feels like no one cares and they don’t mind that I am no longer around. Makes me think that they never actually wanted me around. That I was just there to fill the emptiness for the mean time. It’s cruel. I need some one to try for me. To care for me. I need someone to work as hard as I will in a relationship. To give it their all just as I will. To not give up when I start drifting away. To do  something if they see that I am falling and sinking back in that black hole. Someone, just someone who cares, someone who cares enough to try



4/22/2017