Friendless Friday Night

I sit on my bed while I listen to soft R&B music. My mother is in her room tired from the walk we took earlier. I’ve taken two shots of vodka from one of the four bottles I hide in my closet. They’ve been collecting dust ever since I stopped clubbing and going out to parties. Today I figured I’d do some lite dusting.

Three months ago I bought a ticket for a rave (music EDM festival). Four hours ago I drove one of my best friends along with one of his friends with the ticket I had purchased for myself. Only I didn’t go in with my ticket. His friend did.

After having a huge fight with the friend who invited me to the rave we broke up the friendship and I was set to go alone. But my other friend swooped in and bought a ticket to go with me. Then my moms surgery came out of the blue and there was no way I’d leave her alone. So I gave my ticket to him to invite someone so he wouldn’t go alone.

Things change so much in such a short period of time. I really wish I could have gone. It would have been a blast. But maybe there will be a next time. Or maybe there won’t be. Who knows.

So many things have happened this year and it’s not even the end yet. I used to have a boring life and I thought I hated it. Now I cherish those endless nights of boredom. Those friendless Friday nights.

But at the same time I am also thank full for experiencing it all.


Last Wednesday I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We had a long four hour talk. She’s doing well, I’m doing ok. Life moves on weather you are in or out of people’s life’s.

I told her how I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality. Am I gay? That’s what I thought my whole life. Am I bi? I’ve fallen for the prettiest girl in my eyes. It’s another who knows situation. But maybe we’ll find out soon.

Now, I’ll get comfortable in my bed as I take my last shot of the night and sleep a good nights sleep and wake up for what ever life has in store for me for the rest of the year.

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Don’t Compare Me To Your Friends

Ok let’s rant shall we?

I had a totally different post planned for today but some events made me change my mind.

So I have this friend that has been there for me for a while now. I love her to death and I would do anything for her. I always forgave her when she canceled and stood me up. Plus, I would always listen to her problems and try my best to help her out. I truly cared for her. She was one of the people that really helped me get me out of my shell and explore and be more out there.

So I bought Escape tickets with her. It’s a rave type of concert for Halloween. I am very excited because I love Halloween! Plus music and good vibes, bring it in.

Today though. She was telling me all the things she’s planning which is cool. I really appreciate that. I do. I like to be ready for things, at the same time sometimes I like to just go for it. I know she’s been to raves and I know she has experience, but she’s being to much right now.

I told her something and she said that her boyfriends is that once and then she didn’t have a good time. Or other times I’ll say something and she’ll immediately say that her friends did that and that this happened. So, me, getting mad at her told her exactly don’t fucking compare me to your friends.

And it’s true she does that all the time. She replays all the scenarios that she’s ever had with her friends and puts me in there. First of all, I’m nothing like her other friends, second of all I’m a different person so the scenarios will be different. She finds that hard to understand.

She straight out came at me. Told me that I was being rude basically and that she has been there for me and blah blah, ok true that doesn’t give you authority over me though. Then she said that who ever I was hanging out with was now changing me.

Um no, I’m finally living a happy life and you’re going to come and tell me I’ve changed? Oh have I changed because I’m not doing what you want me to do? Because I’m not following over for you? Excuse me but Fuck You. That’s the old me, this is the new me. I’m doing me and I’m doing it well. Like, I love her to death but she has to wake up from her dream.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went clubbing.

Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.

Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.

We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.

Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.

I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.

I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.

I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.

I Went Alone

Alone. No one wants to ever feel alone, or be left alone. Sure, there are times when you are in a room full of people and all you want for them is to just leave. I get that. But, even after a while by yourself, you will start feeling that feeling of wanting someone by your side. Or maybe you need the support and the extra courage you get when you are with someone else rather than when you are alone.

I was invited to this music festival a while back while I was walking my dogs. Some young girls maybe in their early twenties came up to my brother and I and gave us a flyer. It said ESCAPE on it. It only had the date, time, and address. So of course, it looked intriguing.

I was really looking forward to going. I told one of my friends that loves to go to raves, she said she would try but eventually she said she couldn’t make it. I was going to go with my brother originally but he said he didn’t want to go any more.

I went alone. I thought I was going to have fun, maybe meet new people and possibly make new friends. So I drove there but when I arrived it was a different story.

There were people there don’t get me wrong, it was only fifteen minutes into the festival. It was indoor, so I saw people walking in through the side door, I really wanted to go in. I just parked and stayed in my car. My social anxiety got the best of me once again.

It has been a while since I get anxiety like I got yesterday. I am usually open to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, but this time it was different. I just couldn’t muster up the courage to get out of my car and walk in there.

It surprised me, I have been more outspoken lately and more out there. So not being able to go to this alone was like a step back. Yes, life has been changing for me in the last couple of months, I lost a friend, my job is going through changes, and I have need stressed over my mom’s surgery. But I have always placed these things in the back of my head telling myself that everything is going to be ok.

Is it that my brain has fallen back again to my pessimistic ways? I won’t let that happen. The person I used to be was letting people walk all over me, that gave me such an awful life. Always sitting in the back seat, always waiting to be called. I can’t be like that, I have to break the mold. I will break the mold.

Every Single Dark Thing 

             I did it. I finally told my friends what was going on. From my moms cancer to my work/immigration related problems. I felt guilty. That I was blocking them out. That I wasn’t talking to them. And maybe deep down I thought that they could help me. In a way. So I wrote a very long letter. 

             I explained everything. How it all started, how I felt, how I feel they should have tried harder to talk to me. Every single dark thing I was feeling. I wrote it down. Then sent it through group chat. It was very relieving. But at the same time I was scared to death. 

             But all of this was because of Moneque. I saw her today before she leaves for Alaska. She just came back from a rave in Vegas. She’s everywhere. And somehow we are supper close, yet not best friends. You know that person who you don’t see very often, yet you have this unspoken connection and will bare all too? Yeah her. 

             I told her  everything and she listened. She told me that I should just tell them also. What else did I have to lose? I was slowly losing them anyway. And they were slowly losing me. 

             So now I’m waiting for a response. What will they say? Will they blame me? Will they apologize for not trying hard enough? For not asking what was going on? Or will they ignore me just as I had ignored them?