I Went Alone

Alone. No one wants to ever feel alone, or be left alone. Sure, there are times when you are in a room full of people and all you want for them is to just leave. I get that. But, even after a while by yourself, you will start feeling that feeling of wanting someone by your side. Or maybe you need the support and the extra courage you get when you are with someone else rather than when you are alone.

I was invited to this music festival a while back while I was walking my dogs. Some young girls maybe in their early twenties came up to my brother and I and gave us a flyer. It said ESCAPE on it. It only had the date, time, and address. So of course, it looked intriguing.

I was really looking forward to going. I told one of my friends that loves to go to raves, she said she would try but eventually she said she couldn’t make it. I was going to go with my brother originally but he said he didn’t want to go any more.

I went alone. I thought I was going to have fun, maybe meet new people and possibly make new friends. So I drove there but when I arrived it was a different story.

There were people there don’t get me wrong, it was only fifteen minutes into the festival. It was indoor, so I saw people walking in through the side door, I really wanted to go in. I just parked and stayed in my car. My social anxiety got the best of me once again.

It has been a while since I get anxiety like I got yesterday. I am usually open to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, but this time it was different. I just couldn’t muster up the courage to get out of my car and walk in there.

It surprised me, I have been more outspoken lately and more out there. So not being able to go to this alone was like a step back. Yes, life has been changing for me in the last couple of months, I lost a friend, my job is going through changes, and I have need stressed over my mom’s surgery. But I have always placed these things in the back of my head telling myself that everything is going to be ok.

Is it that my brain has fallen back again to my pessimistic ways? I won’t let that happen. The person I used to be was letting people walk all over me, that gave me such an awful life. Always sitting in the back seat, always waiting to be called. I can’t be like that, I have to break the mold. I will break the mold.

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Pity Party 

             My birthday is just a couple of weeks away and I could not be any less excited. Don’t get me wrong, another year has gone by and I’m still here, yay for me. Well, my birthday lands two days after my moms surgery, or my moms surgery lands two days before my birthday. Don’t really know how I would frase that. 

             Either way that whole sentence in its fullness sound ridiculous. Yes, I could say that if everything goes well with the surgery, I could celebrate while on my birthday. But I’ll be taking care of my mom then, so no time to drop it as if it was hot. Plus I don’t like to party. Dance? Only in private or in the shower. Sing? In the car, or in the shower. Drink? Only mixed and sweat please. . .and in the shower.  

             I know as the days go by my mood is changing for the better. I’m just waiting for this roller coaster to go up, way up, then come crashing down again. But, we’ll see. Time will tell. 

             One of my long time acquaintances said we should get together since we have the same birth month. I agreed seeing as I haven’t seen her for about seven months and I need some socialization before I retreat back into my shell. She’s really nice and even though I’ve been pushing everyone away she’s always been bugging and bugging me to talk to her. I appreciate that very much. So maybe I’ll see her Thursday. If one of us doesn’t flake. 

             My other friends. Eli and Jenny said we should do something for my birthday. I haven’t seen Jenny in six months now, doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on in my life. Eli, I saw her maybe a month ago, and told her what’s going on. I had expected her to understand. But she seems to have forgotten because she never really asks me how my mom has been doing. I told them that I didn’t want to waste their time. Of course, like any friend, they mechanically said that wasn’t the case. Eventually I stopped responding to the group text. 

Maybe I’ll though my own party, I’ll cry and laugh about my problems.

             Though, I don’t need a fucken cake or balloons. I don’t need presants or gifts. I need support. I need comfort. I need reassurance. I understand they want to have fun but, yo, I got problems, and finding how to celebrate my birthday isn’t one. I was going to tell them, but then they would have thought that I wasn’t that appreciative of them, since they were so “thoughtful”, but I didn’t. They probably think that anyway. One day they will know the difference. I miss them. I miss the old me too. Life goes on. 

             Talked to my brother about him being more responsible. He said he would try. We’re all in this together. Told him I didn’t want to end up like one of those distant families that are all torn apart. 

             One of my friends (or the one friend I have) from church says he wants to go to the surgery for support. That’s what I’m talking about! But yet I feel like he still hides stuff from me. I mean we’re not dating but still friends tell each other everything right? Maybe I can’t be pleased? Who knows. 

             Tomorrow I’m going out of town for work related training. It’s about three towns over. Sounds like I live in deserted place, but I swear it’s SoCal. 

Anyway that’s enough of me mumbling about what’s going on. I’ll mumble some more later. 

Worst Person Ever 

            So yesterday I was supposed to go to my best friends graduation party. He’s my best friend (only friend I guess) but I’m not sure if I’m his best friend. He’s very popular and very well known. Very sociable. 

            I can’t help but think I’m the worst person ever. All day yesterday I looked for what I could give him as a gift. I got him an emoji pillow and a notebook that has line, graph, and blank paper. Along with pencils and erasers. 

            I put them in the gift bag and I was ready to go. But I actually never even went. I didn’t go. My anxiety got the best of me. It took over. How cruel is that? I didn’t go to my own best friends grad party? Do I even have a heart? 

            First, I started thinking about all the people that would be there. I had asked him before and he said he didn’t know. His parents did the invites. They even did the party at one of his other friends house because there was more space, even though his house is pretty big. Yes, I was anxious. 

            Second, I wasn’t going to talk to anyone there. Yes, I would have probably known some of them, but I’d doubt they would have come up to talk to me. They don’t at church, why at a party? Gabriel had already apologized before hand saying he was sorry if he didn’t even get a chance to talk to me because he would be so busy. I understand that. He has to greet and conversate with all his guests. Thank them for coming and the gifts and what not. 

            Third, with all that’s going on I didn’t even feel like partying. Or being social. I could barley talk to a wall. I felt like running. I wanted to run as fast as I could until not being able to feel my legs. So that’s what I did. I went outside and walked for maybe two hours. It felt good. 

            Forth, well, I am kind of jealous. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him. He’s graduated, has his college paid for, got a car from his parents, has a house to live in, got a grad party, he has it all. Does he deserve it all? I would say yes every time. He’s a cool guy. I mean, I haven’t scared him away like Eli and Jenny, yet

            I just look at my life and ask why? I have done so much and yet my life sucks. There is so much struggle. When I told Eli that my mom has breast cancer she started crying, asked the same thing. “Why are you always going through all these bad things?” she had asked. It’s like I’m plagued with some curse that won’t let me live in peace. 

            Maybe you need to try harder? Trust me, I have tried. I have given this life all I have. I have worked for everything I have. I have been the father figure for my brother. I was the strength for my mother when our father left us even when I myself couldn’t bare. In the bad times I have always worn the face of courage. I have been the strength for my family that has kept us moving forward. But I feel that inside it has all eaten me away. 

            I have been the nicest person to the meanest of people. I have helped those who wouldn’t even lend me a hand. But where is karma? Has she mistaken me for some one else?  Has she forgotten the rules to her own game? Has she taken a break? A short little vacation? Or has she simply retired letting life rule over us all? 
            Now I have to find a way to apologize to Gabriel. I don’t know how to explain to him what I feel. Maybe how I wrote it on here but it just wouldn’t be the same. 

We Are All Humans 

            Today at work they showed us a couple of vidoes. Due to the fact that it’s diversity week they wanted to emphasize that just the type of our skin isn’t what makes us diverse, it’s also where we come from, how we grew up, and the obsticles that we have to overcome in life. 

            One of the videos was about a boy named Owen Howkins. He has a rare muscle condition that has only been known to affect 33 people in the whole world. It’s such a heart warming story of him and his dog. How they help each other out and gave one another a brighter day. A new look on life. So in other words, diversity includes all of us. We have to learn to accept everyone. We are all humans. And we all want the same thing, to be accepted

            I got teared up when I watched the video. It’s sad to say that many people thought it was a waste of time, saying how that company time would have worked better for them if they were actually working. Those people make me angry. We need to learn about others, share ideas, grow! How can we understand the rest of the human race if we have don’t know what they go through? Even in our own race. There are things that we don’t go through. Things that we do and they don’t. By sharing and getting to know one another we came help each other out. But my coworkers are very closed minded people I suppose. 

                                  •••

            The rest of the day was better. Tomorrow I’m going to an all day assembly at church again. I missed last Friday so my mom, my brother, and a friend (Gabriel), and I are going tomorrow. Should be nice. 

            Saturday I have the color run with Gabriel. Then I have an eye exam. I need new glasses now. I have no clue how the hell I’m  seeing through these. They are all scratched and blurry. It’s actually a miracle I can see through them at all. 

            I was invited to a party… well, a youth party. One of the teen girls from church is having one at her house. Seeing as I’m shy and antisocial I don’t know if I’ll go. She’s 19 and very loud. I don’t do loud. I do board games and fancy lemonade. So I don’t know if I’ll go. Unles Gabriel convices me. But we all know how that ended last time

            Sunday will be a chill day and I’ll wait and find out what it has in store. Each day has its own worries so why worry about the next? 

Some Of Us Have To Suffer So Others Don’t 

So Journal, 

          You could say that I am furious at my friends. I feel like they don’t understand what I’m going through. They don’t realize the struggle that is my life right now. Yes, I know I don’t roam around spilling my guts out for the world to see but they should notice if they are my friends correct? Correct

          One of my estranged friends keeps sending me funny memes from Buzzfeed and People, yet she hasn’t spoken or texted me in over two months. Is this her way of saying hi? Of trying to find out how I’m doing? By sending me memes about how girls feel better and more powerful when they don’t shave their legs? I want to scream through the phone CALL ME! I NEED HELP!  Seriously, I really do want to hear her voice. I want her to tell me that everything will get better, even though it won’t. I want her to make me laugh the only way she knows how. I want to see her face to face. See her smile. Hear her laugh. But how can we do that if the only way she is trying to comunicate is through memes? Then in the other hand she might not know any other way to break the ice. I have no clue. And I don’t know what to do. 

          I was also talking to another friend, his name is Gabriel. (I talk about him enough, I feel like his name should be mentioned by now.). He went to a funeral today and he said he found emotions that he didn’t have before. I was very curious to see what he meant. He explained that his dad is a drunk (this I knew) and that he didn’t know what to do. He said he didn’t know what will happen if it gets worse and he’s very deeply sad. 

          Ok, let’s back the train the fuck up. First of all. Yes your dad drinks. But he has two homes. One that you live in, have your own room, and have more than enough food in. The second one he rents to people  which provides even more money to the home that you’re currently living in. Third, he works a full time job. Sure every weekend he likes to get a little tipsy and have fun, the man does so much! He’s not your typical drunk. The ones you see on TV that don’t have any money and have long hair and a beer belly. He just looks like another dad. 

          I understand what he’s going through. My dad was a drunk. But my dad was a real drunk. He didn’t give a shit. He wouldn’t come home for days. He would work when he wanted. And sometimes we would have to eat bread and milk for a couple of days until my mom found some way to bring home food. Thank god my dad isn’t around anymore. He was a piece of shit. But him complain about his dad? You little fucker! Let him get drunk that’s his way of unstressing. As long as he provides you a roof and food what esle do you want? 

          What gets me mad is that he sounds like he is in deep pain. Like he’s morning the loss of something. He’s like in the brink of depressing and I’m just like dude really? I know I should be more understanding, but come on! My mom has cancer, we’re on food stamps, and I can barley keep up with the  bills. And your going to tell me that you’re sad?

          Update: he just messaged me that he’s planning his graduation party. I’m done. He doesn’t know how fucking privaliged he is. I never had a graduation party. So while I’m over here struggling to provide for my family in my early twenties he’s going to be having the time of his life being showered with gifts.

           I know I sound like an asshole, but life is so unfair. I look back at my life and try to see what I did wrong to deserve all this bad karma. But I can’t. All I see is a great little kid with a big heart who never got in trouble and always got straight A’s. But I guess in this life some of us have to suffer so others don’t. 

5/1/2017