Not Working Makes Me Happy

I’m sitting here in a room I don’t want to be in. Tapping on keys and looking into a computer when I could instead be having fun with my best friend. It’s The Weekend. It’s the time where everyone should be out having fun. Doing important things with family. Spending time with people that actually mean something, not sitting in room full of nobodies.

I could literally get up, grab my things, and leave and never come back. This is my second job. I got this job to help me out with the bills. But is it worth it? I ask myself every time I come here. Is it worth the stress? Is it worth the time I miss out with family and friends?

It’s frustrating going back and forth in what I want. Do I want to be here? Do I need the money? What will happen when I quit?

When I first go here today I put it in my head that tomorrow I wasn’t going to show up. I wasn’t going to show up, call, or do anything. I was so mind set into just abandoning this job. But now, as I think more rationally, I find it hard to believe I could do that.

Is it bad? Or is it spontaneous? Will it affect me later? I don’t know. I just know that I need to stop. Working two jobs, paying bills, being The Man, is really fucking tiring. Can I take anymore of it? I’m not happy. I want to be happy. And as funny as it sounds, not working makes me happy.


If You Have Breasts, Get Them Checked

Let’s talk about my mother.

I feel like I haven’t talked about her for a while and she’s the most important thing in my life. Yes, at times she is annoying and frustrates me to death, but I still love her.

Last week we saw the Breast Cancer Coordinator. She was really nice and helpful trying to get us to see the plastic surgeon as fast as we couldn’t for my moms reconstruction therapy. She told us she needed all of my moms medical records.

So yesterday we went around town driving to clinics and labs picking up the records my mom requested last week. Question: why do you have to pay for medical records that are yours? I find that really annoying. That’s like your life on paper and you have to pay to obtain it. It’s really rude.

But atlas, we got them all. At one clinic they couldn’t find her in their records. My heart sort of sank. I didn’t need this at the moment. Like we need her records and the records couldn’t be found. But with the miracle form the lord or actual hard work from the medical records intern they were able to find them.

After all that my mom decided that we needed to make copies just in case they asked for them again we wouldn’t have to go through all that. So I bought some ink for my printer but apparently it’s broken now. So that was a waste of money.

I came to the local library instead to copy them. Was almost the same price as buying the ink. But what are you going to do? Things break, money comes and goes, what’s important is that my mom gets back her feel good attitude that every woman deserves . And I know that this surgery will help her.

She wants this all to be done as I do too. I really hate breast cancer. So if you have breasts, get them checked.

Merry Fucking Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m stuck at my call center job. I really hate it here. It’s minimum wage and you have to constantly take calls and harassing people, stay up to date with your stats, and try not to mess up. Honestly it’s too much. Plus I have my other job. My full time job pays more so idk why I’m even here. I could just walk out right now. But I can’t, and I won’t. Don’t have those balls.

Tomorrow I’ll be here for 11 hours. Marvelous. I’m getting paid over time and then after 8 hours it’s double so hell yes I’ll be here. Plus they say it’s really slow so why not. What we get paid on over time is what we should actually be getting paid . I mean this is serious business. It Doctor calls and hospital calls. What if we miss something? What if we write the wrong info? Didn’t matter matter.

Ive been feeling down for a while now. I hate being like this. I wish I could swap life with someone who is happy just to know how that feeling feels all the time. I swear I’m happy one day and then I’ll be so low fro the next 4 weeks .

I was going to help a friend move her tv from her old house to her boyfriends house. I was meeting her at midnight and she never showed up. I was over tired, sick, and sleep deprived. I knew she was going to flake like she always does but I’m just too nice of a person.

Anyway Merry Fucking Christmas.

Unappreciated 2.0

I have a rant. If you don’t wont to hear it then the door is right there *points to the door*.

OK, so lately I think working two jobs is getting to me. I have been more stressed and have been more worn out. I have been feeling down. I think I need time to myself, time to go far far away with my thoughts and just think.

One of my greatest problems is giving my all to people and it seems that I never get back half of what I give. I feel so unappreciated. I feel unwanted. I do feel needed but only to be used for other people’s purpose.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of always complaining. I’m tired of always playing the victom. Why can’t I for once be the one with the perfect life. Why can’t I be satisfied with what I have. I like to think I am happy with the things I do and the things that I own, but I don’t, and I don’t want more. Possessions is not what I desire. Its peace. Its time. It’s just the feeling of being ok. But how can I have those things when all I feel is empty.

Learn How To Give

I know many people. I’m close to a lot of them but I consider very few my actual friends. They are more like very close acquaintances. People that I talk to constantly but have no trust in.

There is one friend though who is closer than the rest. She’s really cool. When I was going through all my shit and also my moms breast cancers she was there to get me through it. Out of all the people that I pushed away she would always try to get a hold of me.

That’s what I appreciated the most. I went through a dark phase where I told everyone that I didn’t want them around when I was hopping they would say no were her for you and we’re not going anywhere. But they didn’t. Only she did, and that made me see a lot of things a lot clearer.

Even now that I communicate with all my friends and our relationship is better than before she is still the one I talk to on a daily basis. Recently she’s been going through a lot. She doesn’t have a job currently and I fell terrible for her because I was in her shoes once.

We went out to eat last Wednesday and I lent her some money to get her by. She was one her way to an interview and it’s looking like she’s going to get it. I hope she does. She is a good person and deserves more than what life is giving to her.

But that’s what this post is more about. Giving. We need more of that. When people need help we need to start learning how to give. There is to much going on now a days that we need to come together. Plus, you never know when you will be in that situation that will need the help.

It does not have to be money. I know most people automatically say I don’t have any money or resources. That’s not the only way we can help. Just being there for someone, listen to them, hear them out, help them with anything that they might need. We are only hurting ourselves by making enemies, we not come together and work as a team?