More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.
The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.
I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.
All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?
I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.
I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.
We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.
So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.
I did it again. I know I shouldn’t have but when lonely comes knocking on your door there’s not much you can do except roll out the red carpet and let it in.
So two weeks ago I downloaded tinder. Don’t know why, ‘just cause’ could be a concrete answer really. Since I decided to give up on Love, I went the hoe route. Sleeping with random strangers.
In all honesty, no I don’t feel bad. When had a little fun hurt anyone? Ok maybe not the best example but still.
And hey, I work two jobs, pay all my bills and rent, take care of my family, put food in the fridge, and I’m generally a nice person. So who’s to say I can’t be a hoe once in a while? No one. You try to walk in my shoes see how long you last.
Along with being filthy, I’ve also been going out a lot. Getting closer with a friend. He doesn’t know I’m gay but that never comes up. Nor do I have the need to tell him . Does he know? Does it matter?
Any way this is my 100 post and I was going to do the whole thank you a and what I’ve learned about blogging but I’ll save that for later since I have to save time for hoeing around.
Let me explain. I have been on the quest for love ever since I can remember. Maybe since I was 17 years old. I would go in dating sites and talk to guys but would never actually meet up with them. I would never send the first message I was such a wimp.
Later on I decided dating apps weren’t for me but I would always go back to them once in a while. If I felt lonely I would download them. If I wanted love I would download them. It was an on and off kind of feeling.
Until recently I decided I was going to get love if I had to beg for it. So I downloaded some apps instead of waiting to get messaged I would sent out the first messages. I would get dates here and there but most of them just turned into sex rather than love.
It was all fun and games for a while but what I was really after I was not getting. And I wasn’t about to waste my time the limited time Ihave to just be people’s sex toy.
But it seems that everyone is only interested in sex. It’s such a stereotype in the gay community. It’s a bad rep. Really bad. And I’m tired of all of it.
I felt really pathetic when I looked back on all the apps I had download over the years. I took a count and it came up to 17 apps. Not counting the ones I download twice or up to three times.
I say this every time I’mdownloadinganymore apps. But I always go back no matter what. But this time it’s for reals.
No matter how I feel, I will not download those apps again. There are no more to download.
This past weekend my uncle and aunt came to visit. They don’t live close so every chance they get when they pass by or are in town they come to visit. They live about two hours away. There’s something that bugs me though every time they come.
They are very religious and he is an Elder. (Which is like a big deal in the church world). We are technically in the same religion as they are but I haven’t came out yet. Though on the side in secret I live my filthy, ungodly, homosexual life. They don’t know that. You could say that it’s kind of like two life’s kind of thing but don’t judge me because you’re not in my shoes and it’s easier to point fingers.
Anyway, this happens every time but this time it was more than usual. God hates fags. Well, that’s not what they actually said but that was the message they relayed or at least what I understood.
I don’t know how it started but someone commented on how Satan (the devil don’t know if you know him but he lives underground apparently tormenting gay souls) is trying to bring everyone to “the dark side” and how we have to be more careful then ever in these times of oversexual lust days.
Then they said how (in their tiny tiny town) some young teen left the religion because of his degrading and unnatural ways. (In other words he was gay y’all). He was expelled from church and asked never to return until he changed his ways. Seeing as it’s a small town the news was huge.
Of course everyone in the church was like yeah that’s what you get for sipping from the cup of the devil. And everyone else in town was praising the guy for coming out and finding him self . Having the courage to stand up for him self and leave!
That’s why they were upset. Not that he was gay after all. No, it was the fact that he was praised for leaving. I remember my aunt saying, “now if you come out you’re a hero. You’re applauded. It’s not like it used to be.” But, the way she said it. She sounded as her world had fallen apart. As if a part of her soul was being ripped from her. As if all humanity had just come to an end.
But what do they know?
Do they know how it’s like to grow up different? Do they know what it’s like to have feelings you’ve been told since you were five are wrong? Do they know what it’s like sitting through thousands of speeches and hearing God will never love you? Do they know how it feels when you’re being condemned for something you didn’t chose? Do they know how hard it is lying everyday that you are someone you’re not? Do they know how hard it is to struggle with something like this out side of the home and still come home to the same thing? Do they know how much strength it takes every single day to not give up? Do they?