Crossroads

Sexuality has always been a big part of my life. Not because I'm a sexual man whore going around trying to get in everyone's pants. I mean in the way that I have always been trying to figure out who I am and what I like. Of course sexuality does not defy who you are, that's not what I'm saying, but nonetheless it's a huge part of what makes you, you.

So in the past and even until now I've always gone back and forth from being gay to straight and vice versa. I feel one way at one point in my life then I feel completely the opposite. I'm probably broken, or like missing a wire. I even came to believe that maybe I was pansexual and just fell in love with people's personalities.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. Well now that that's out let me go into further detail.

There's this girl at work on second shift, she's extremely beautiful. Way over my league, but for some crazy reason she likes me? She thinks I'm 'cute'. Which makes me laugh because I haven't been called that since I was in my late teens.

So the problem is this; should I go on with the flirting? Should I go along with the texts? The smiley faces? Should I spend time getting to know her? What if this ends all bad? What if in the end I truly don't like her? I don't want to lead her on just because someone has finally should the slightest interest in me.

On the other side of the coin there's the possibility of actually falling in love. Of actually having some one who understands and likes to be around me. An actual relationship. With like two people. LoL. Am I that desperate for affection? For attention? Is it shallow? I have no clue. I've dated both girls and guys and I have had feelings for both so maybe in the end I'm just bisexual?

You know what? I'm not going to label it. Because in the end we are all people and love is love. I can't chose who I fall in love with. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't we'll that's because it's wasn't meant to be. I'm young and I have to start taking risks.

Dating

Dating. 

I have had my share of dates here and there but none of which have blossomed into healthy relationships. Probably the opposite . I’ve dated girls and boys, not bragging by the way. Although, I was wondering if it was time for me to jump in the pool again. Of course, by that I mean placing one toe in a few centimeters every minute or so. Like I said before, I’m not one to approach people and ask them out, so me making the first move would be so far fetched . 

In my first relationship I was young and didn’t know who I was yet. I was discovering myself. And I dated as the world had told me to. Boys date girls. It was a wonderful nonsexual relationship. We talked and had feelings for each other, as one does when one bonds and spends so much time with someone. But there was no physical attraction. 

After that I started to poke my nose in the “gay scene” more. I didn’t like it at all. Every app I had downloaded was all about sex. Sex sex sex. Nothing but sex. If you talked to a guy it was to find out who’s place the hook up would be at. Guys would only be interested in getting in your pants and not in your heart. Maybe I’m too over over romantic , or just a hopeless romantic period. 

Anyway, I dated guys here and there that didn’t seem to creepy and horny. It went well but I never found Mr. Right. Yes, ok, the guys I dated were charming and nice and what not, I mean I did chose to date them after all. But they weren’t what I wanted. Or what I needed. I have a complicated life so I need someone to be understanding and compassionate towards me. 

Which makes me wonder. I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. Is it time to go back? Or will my high standards never let me fall in love? Is my life just too complicated for just any one to handdle? Or am I just too dramatic? They say that there is a person out there for everyone, but maybe I am the only exception.

OMG! I’m fucking 23 for crying out loud

Go Fund Me

          In the looks of money shortage I have decided to start a Go Fund Me account. It wasn’t an easy decision. I am one of those people that doesn’t like to ask for help. Not because I am full of pride and what not, but because I don’t want to be dead weight on someone. I don’t want to seem like I am burden on someone. But things are complicated right now.

          My moms surgery turned out to be successful and things are looking great for her. Yes we’re still having trouble with the insurance again, and this time for the oncologist. Granted we were having trouble with them since the beginning. For instance, they are charging us the first appointments we went to back in March and April which some up to the hundreds. Things are hard as it is and with bills being pilled up on top just makes everything even more stressing.

          Yesterday my dog past away which just added more grief to the already huge mountain we have. I created this Go Fund Me account a while back a couple of weeks before we knew that my mom had breast cancer. I never published it or shared it because I was scared to. What would people say? How would I look? Like a failure? Like someone who couldn’t keep it together? These thoughts pushed me back and I thought I could do it on my own, but it seems like I can’t.

          I have been at my lowest for a while and I just need a little help getting back up. You don’t need to donate if you don’t want to, some words of encouragement will go a long way as well. Either way thank you.

 

 
 

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Bongo

          My soul is crushed. I feel broken. As if a part of me was no more. Memories consume me. Pictures bring me to tears. I knew this day would come eventually but not this soon.

          When I got home from work this evening my mom was waiting for me sitting patiently. It seemed weird to me but she acted normal. I thought she was just hot and wanted to be closer to the AC. I sat next to her and listened to how her day had gone. How some friends come to visit her and gave her advice. One of her friends had cancer. I was glad she could help my mom with her experience and how she handled everything.

          After I told my mom how my day went she told me she had news that were rather sad. She didn’t know how I was going to react. I didn’t either. I was scared nonetheless. Then she said it. My dog past away. It was like my world had sunken. Like water levels had drastically risen and were were submerged and fighting for our last breaths. I didn’t understand. I ran outside. I had to see for myself.  It must have been a lie, it had to be a lie, but it wasn’t.

          He laid there motionless. My best friend. The only one who was and had always been there for me. The one who was always eager to lend a ear. The one who was always happy to see me. The one I knew I could trust in. Ten years of my life we had spent together. Through the good and the bad.


          And now that was all gone. He was gone. No more. I was crushed. Heartbroken. I stood there trying not to cry. trying to act mature. But with everything else going on and now this? It was nearing impossible. How do you lose a friend and not cry? How do you go through one of the hardest months in your life and not cry?

          Maybe a pets death wouldn’t make some one cry like I did. But I was like a strong glass at a wedding toast that took a beating with a silver spoon. And as it continued the glass cracked ever so slightly. Each hit was less then before but the glass cracked more and more because it was becoming fragile with every hit. Until the spoon won. It was my tip of the iceberg, the last hit.

          I will miss you. You were the best friend I ever had. You came into my life when I was young and needed someone to lean on. You became my friend and then soon family, to not only me but my brother and mother. I grew up with you. I’m going to miss seeing you. I’m going to miss playing with you. I’m going to miss the way you jumped up and down when you heard the bag of dog food. I’m going to miss when I would go away for a couple of hours and returned to your warm and happy trot. I’m going to miss coming home and you being the first thing I saw.


          I’m sorry we didn’t get to have more time with each other. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better. Sorry I didn’t spoil you more. Sorry I didn’t give you more of my love. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the best life. I’m sorry life was this short for you. I will always remember you.


In the loving memory of Bongo. You will be missed, rest in peace in doggy heaven.

It Would Be Nice Of You To Just, LISTEN 

            One of my friends had the audacity to call me out on social media. Snapchat, to be more specific. She captioned a picture of her face saying how her (Jen) and my other friend (Eli) still loved me and even though I “didn’t want to talk to them” they still missed me.

            FIRST OF ALL, I am not ignoring them, or not wanting to talk to them. They have not tried their best to communicate with me. I wish they would because I want to tell them everything. But if I’m not asked how will I?

             But that’s not even the main reason why I am upset. The fact that she called me out on social media was fucked up. You think, well, I think that if she really cared she would have called me or texted me. That was not the way to get my attention.

             So, I told her. I did want to talk to them I just didn’t know how. I thought that this would steer the conversation somewhere where she could reassure me that she was there for me. Instead she just said, “nigga just talk to us how you used to.”

            This, bothered me because I was trying to be real and open up to her but she just waved it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. So I told her that I did them a favor because they wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone who was broke, and sulking every second of the day.

             To that she played the victim asking if I actually thought they were that superficial. Of course not, she just didn’t understand what I was trying to say! That they go out a lot and me saying I don’t ever have money was going to get old. But I didn’t even try to explain that, I just told her that I didn’t know how to express myself.

              She told me I didn’t need to. That I didn’t have to tell them my problems they just wanted to hang out with me and have fun and laugh and shoot rainbows out of our ass, the fuck? My mom has fucking cancer you bitch, I’m not going to go out and have fun and forget that.

              Every single time I get the feeling of being happy, there is a little voice in my head that pops up and asks me, why are you having fun? As I try to answer this question the voice speaks for me and gives me a list of all the things that bring me down and cloud my memory. There is no way I can get that voice out, it’s always there. And it wont leave until my problems do, so never.

                 Jenny, I love you but you not wanting to listen to my problems really hurts me. It makes me feel like you don’t really care about my life. Because as sad as it sounds my problems are my life and they are part of me. I just can’t put them in the closet and take them out when ever I am ready to face them. They follow me around where ever I go. I can’t just put them in a box and push it to the side while I go out for the night and have fun, they will still be there when I come back. I wish you would do the opposite and ask me whats the matter. I know you can’t fix it, I know they aren’t your problems, but it would be nice of you to just, listen.