It Would Be Nice Of You To Just, LISTEN 

            One of my friends had the audacity to call me out on social media. Snapchat, to be more specific. She captioned a picture of her face saying how her (Jen) and my other friend (Eli) still loved me and even though I “didn’t want to talk to them” they still missed me.

            FIRST OF ALL, I am not ignoring them, or not wanting to talk to them. They have not tried their best to communicate with me. I wish they would because I want to tell them everything. But if I’m not asked how will I?

             But that’s not even the main reason why I am upset. The fact that she called me out on social media was fucked up. You think, well, I think that if she really cared she would have called me or texted me. That was not the way to get my attention.

             So, I told her. I did want to talk to them I just didn’t know how. I thought that this would steer the conversation somewhere where she could reassure me that she was there for me. Instead she just said, “nigga just talk to us how you used to.”

            This, bothered me because I was trying to be real and open up to her but she just waved it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. So I told her that I did them a favor because they wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone who was broke, and sulking every second of the day.

             To that she played the victim asking if I actually thought they were that superficial. Of course not, she just didn’t understand what I was trying to say! That they go out a lot and me saying I don’t ever have money was going to get old. But I didn’t even try to explain that, I just told her that I didn’t know how to express myself.

              She told me I didn’t need to. That I didn’t have to tell them my problems they just wanted to hang out with me and have fun and laugh and shoot rainbows out of our ass, the fuck? My mom has fucking cancer you bitch, I’m not going to go out and have fun and forget that.

              Every single time I get the feeling of being happy, there is a little voice in my head that pops up and asks me, why are you having fun? As I try to answer this question the voice speaks for me and gives me a list of all the things that bring me down and cloud my memory. There is no way I can get that voice out, it’s always there. And it wont leave until my problems do, so never.

                 Jenny, I love you but you not wanting to listen to my problems really hurts me. It makes me feel like you don’t really care about my life. Because as sad as it sounds my problems are my life and they are part of me. I just can’t put them in the closet and take them out when ever I am ready to face them. They follow me around where ever I go. I can’t just put them in a box and push it to the side while I go out for the night and have fun, they will still be there when I come back. I wish you would do the opposite and ask me whats the matter. I know you can’t fix it, I know they aren’t your problems, but it would be nice of you to just, listen.

When I Stop Trying We Start Dying

Dear Journal, 

         I was thinking yesterday about my relationships. More specifically, the relationships that have to do with love and friendships. In these two fields I have past experience in. Not a lot but enough to talk about. These experiences should not be taken by the book since I am in fact alone

          So, then why was I thinking about them? Well, there is this thing called Snapchat, and the friend I have left and I have been communicating through it everyday, because you get a streak. Which is obviously the only reason we use it. I noticed though that I am always starting the conversation. I am always the one who sends the first message, or snap. 

          Yesterday, I was somewhat busy and decided that I would let him start the convo. We usually start talking when I send the first snap, which is usually around six AM. This time it was differant. It was near noon and still no sign that he was alive . No sign that he was ever going to start the interaction of words. So I, not wanting to lose the streak we have (which is at 53 days thank you), finally decided to send a good morning snap. I did not get any other response than “gm”. Until later in the day he told me what college he had finally chosen. 

          This had me thinking. Thinking about how hard I have to work for this friendship to work, let alone last. This threw me back in time to 2011. I was dating this girl. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. I liked her, didn’t know she liked me kind of senerio. I told her the same day I was moving away, two hours away, that I liked her which made her give her confession of also liking me. Very movie like kind of thing I now. Very romantic. Boy moves back and gets the girl. 

          FYI the guy didn’t get the girl in this one. We started long distance dating and we would visit each other from time to time. The whole relationship lasted a good six months. Until, well, until I stopped trying. I noticed she would only reply with one word answers. When we talked on the phone I was almost always talking. I wanted her to speak as well so I would ask questions but they seemed to get me no where. So I ended things. You think that she would cry or try to reason that what we had could be saved but no, she simply said okay. And we remained friends. Really far friends, that only speak every once in a year. 

          The same thing happened when I started dating other people. I would notice that I would be putting so much more in the relationship that I would just stop caring. I felt so used. Not only would I give my all, I would spend my money, time, and energy in those relationships. Just to get “okays” and “yeahs”. I don’t think so. Anyone who replies like they should just burn in hell because it affects a person who over analyzes too much, like yours truly. 

          Same thing with friendships. It seems that when I stop trying we start dying. Makes me wonder. Am I really that annoying? Am I annoying at all? Do I do things that bug people? Am I boring? Or possibly irritating? 

          So basically, what I want to be understood is that I’m done trying. It’s taking to much of me to keep up with all these relationships. I have to keep it together like glue on building blocks. It’s eating at me. 

          And it sucks because every time I’m sinking in the black hole of anxiety it feels like no one cares and they don’t mind that I am no longer around. Makes me think that they never actually wanted me around. That I was just there to fill the emptiness for the mean time. It’s cruel. I need some one to try for me. To care for me. I need someone to work as hard as I will in a relationship. To give it their all just as I will. To not give up when I start drifting away. To do  something if they see that I am falling and sinking back in that black hole. Someone, just someone who cares, someone who cares enough to try



4/22/2017

A Real Friend 

I’m so done Journal,

      Ok, so as you know Journal, I’ve been going through some rough times lately. And because of such circumstances my anxiety and behavior haven’t really been in control (to say the least) . I’ve been blocking out some people out of my life because, well shit has hit the fan, and I don’t want them to be all covered in my shit. (I’m basically protecting them). You can call it depression, stress, anxiety, or just a series of bad days, but the point is I  haven’t been my happy-cheerful self in a long time (since I was like three BTW). 

      I need help. I need company and support. I need encouragement. I want someone to tell me it’s going to be ok even if it’s not. That fact that you are trying to make me feel better, actually makes me feel better (if that makes any sense). If I push you away, don’t let go. If I say I’m fine, I’m actually saying, please help me, I’m not ok (it’s code). If I act distant, come closer. If I act cold, remind me how warm our friendship can be. If I forget life’s worth, show me what to live for. If I’m unstable, hold me. If I can’t go on any longer, grab my hand and walk with me. 

      These are only a few of the things I was waiting for from my friends. I swore they were the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Now, as times have come to show I see who they really are (or more, who they can really be). Sure they probably do worry about me and wonder if I’m ok, but take in mind that, that is not the same thing as actuallly checking up on me and seeing to it that I’m doing well. I don’t want their pity I don’t want their money. All I ask for is support. I wish I could share my lows just as well as we share our highs. 

      Today I was talking to one of my friends (Eli) and she was so motivating. She said how she and her husband are here for me and all that good stuff. But then she said that I had to see that her job is really demanding since she doesn’t have a set schedule (fast food). She said that I should understand since I worked there myself. Which I do, partially. But if I had a friend who was one the verge of doing something that was anything but safe I would no doubt call off and be there for them. That’s what friends are for right? They put anything on the line for you so you don’t cross yours (💀). 

      That’s what I thought my friends and I had. A solid bond that could never be broken. Well, that “unbreakable bond” has just been shattered to a hundred million tiny pieces. Both of my “best” friends have said to take my time with what ever is going on with me. Like if saying just get through it and when your done hit us up so we can be friends again. Ok, I know no one wants to be friends with someone who is always down and sad, but hey, that’s why you cheer them up. You don’t tell them to take their time and that you’ll be there afterwards when they resolve their problems. No dude, you gotta be there for moral support. Yes you will be there after, but what if that person won’t? What person can’t handle the situation that they are in and all they needed was a friend to listen but all you are waiting for is for them to stop and get better on their own so y’all can “go to Disneyland again” (oh MY Gawd). 

      I’m done with them. They are not friends to me. They say that they will be there for me but they are not. A real friend would try to find out what’s going on. A real friend would ask until they new what the problem was. A real friend would stay by your side even in the hardest times. A real friend would help you out even when you didn’t want it but needed it. But I guess there are no more real friends for me. 

3/1/2017