My Friend

I have a friend, he’s been going though a lot lately. He’s been up to so much and he feels like he’s running in a race and everything is moving so fast he just can’t keep up. This friend a good person, at least to my understanding. He has done no wrong and no harm to anyone.

This friend told me what he’s going through. He said that he loves his job, he loves his family, his friends are cool. But life is just not treating him fairly. I asked him why he felt that way when everything seemed to be going well for him. He just said that seemed was the word to stand out in that sentence.

I told this friend to let it all out. He said he couldn’t. He said his friends wouldn’t know how to help him. He said his friends love him but wouldn’t understand what’s going on. He also told me he doesn’t want to make everyone feel down about his problems when they also have problems.

My friend told me he loves his family, and that’s why he’s working two jobs. He wants to save up for the rainy day that he knows is in its way. I told him to breathe and take it easy. He said he did, but that didn’t really help much. I asked him to tell me the honest truth, he did, and it scared me.

I told him that everything should get better, that it didn’t have to stay that way, he told me he doesn’t see it happening. I reminded him of all the good things he’s done and the things he has overcome, he agreed that those things have made him stronger but yet those things have also warn him done a bit.

I talked to him since our last chat. He sounds better. I asked him what changed? He said he didn’t know. He just felt different. Could it be something isn’t ok with him? Could it be he has some sort of disorder? I didn’t ask him but the way I looked at him he new what I was thinking.

As I pressed my hand on the bathroom mirror I looked into my friends eyes and told him with all sincerity that everything was going to be ok.

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You Are A Badass

Ok so I have made it through yet another week of working 80 hours in one week. Some times I feel like I can’t go on and then I say to myself, hey you! You are a bad ass. Look at you, working two jobs, taking care of your family, getting those bills paid, and still manage to have a social life. You got this. Keep it up.

My new position at my first job has not brought any struggles or challenges yet but I figure they will soon. No good thing last long.

Yesterday I went out with some close friends to Applebee’s for their one dollar margaritas. I had two. They were pretty strong and I enjoyed both of them . I always enjoy the time I spend with them.

One of my friends was kind of grumpy since it was close to midnight but we still had a good time.

I bought a self help book. It claims to help you out to Life life in an awesome way. Don’t know what that means. I bought it thinking it would help me be more outspoken or less shy, maybe it will. I looked at many books but this was the one that I liked . I think it was mainly because of the tittle, Your are a Badass.

So far it’s really funny but hasn’t really helped me out much. Maybe once I’ll get more into it.

Other than that this week has flown by. I keep say dam my life is passing by so fast. And it is. Too fast. Wish it would slow down just a tad bit, so I could enjoy it a little more .

Even Though I Don’t Have A Life, I Like To Pretend I Do

Just when I thought I was having writers block aka my life was hella boring and nothing was going on that was of such importance for me to be blogging about it, in walks Life and says, "lol just kidding."

Well technically there hasn't been literally nothing going on because in that case I would be dead. I guess you could say I've just been really lazy. Well mostly tired. I worked almost 60 hours for three weeks straight and it got to me a little. I even think I gained back some weight and I have to say I'm not too happy about that, correction, I'm not happy at all about that.

The thing is that our neighbors dog is the devil. No joke. He. Is . Satan. I never thought he would reincarnate in animal again but I mean he's done that before and now he's out to get me. Why? Well I usually get up every morning before work and jog in our back yard since it's big enough. And of course I'm not going to go out in the street. Not in this neighborhood. So, he's just been barking at me like I'm some kind of burglar or something. Like, dude I'm just trying to get my physical on. You know?

He didn't comprehend that. It's weird he was never doing that before but all of the sudden I'm his number one target. It's been three days and I even told my mom I was going to buy an elliptical or a fan bike, just something so I could get my cardio in without bothering the spawn of Satan. And I don't want to file a noise complaint because I don't want trouble, I avoid conflict at all cost, so no thanks bye.

Anyway, now on to the juicy news that actually made me right this post. Promotion. Yaaas gurl you heard it right. For me. Well it's a big maybe, but still. My lead asked me if I wanted to move departments and work as a Sales Bom Tasker. The tittle includes, printing labels for boxes, reboxing, and I think that's pretty much it. Oh, plus a dollar raise. It's really simple. Here's the catch. I would have to work eight to ten hours a day. Not bad, but the start time is six in the morning. Meaning I would be out of work late. And even though I don't have a life, I like to pretend I do so I talked to the supervisor and told him I'd do it if they would let me start at four AM. He said he didn't see a problem but he would still have to run it by the General Manager.

In all honesty. I really do want it. I was looking for a part time job in the afternoon anyways. With a dollar raise and a little more hours it's like a gift from God basically. How can I not take it? What if he says that I have to start at six? That's going to suck because I really want to start at four. Still, just getting the job is a plus. It's moving up.

I talked to my lead about it. She said she threw my name out there because she knew I wanted to move up and it's perfect for me. And ahem it's the only name that was brought up so yeah soak that in. I told her I was actually waiting for her position, but she said what if I didn't get it? I mean this Tasker job is being handed right to me, it wasn't going to be that easy for the inventory lead. Plus she told me that her job is not one to desire. It's stressful and you have to deal with bitchy Anna. And it has more responsibilities and I would be paid the same. So now my head is all over the place.

I told my mom about it as well and she agreed it was a good idea. Wouldn't have to look for a second job. But dam, working ten hours a day. I mean it's possible. The thing is who would pick up my brother from school? Well, is it greedy if I say that I'm the one paying the bills and I'm the one who has to look out for the finances in this house hold? I think not. He's seventeen years old he should get it together learn how to drive and get a license. And a job while he's at it. But who knows.

Will I take the promotion? Will I start at four or six? Will my neighbors dog ever shut the fuck up? Guess we'll find out soon.

Karma, Dude You’re Failing Me

          I feel that I am a good person. At least, comparing myself to a lot of people, I know I am. But sometimes I feel that I could be a much better person. I try my best to be nice and kind and treat others the way I would have wanted to be treated in their shoes. And even though it’s said that ‘what goes around comes back around’ I feel that only applies to the bad. For example, hurt someone and then you will get hurt in the future. But then again you could also say it’s Karma. Bad Karma good Karma, I have no clue. But I’ve done good and not revived as much good back. 

          Anyway, one of my friends went to his college orientation yesterday and he had to spend the night there. It was a two day event to get to know the campus and what not. This is where I get mad. This is where I ramble on about how life sucks for me. And in all honesty. It does. 

          He messaged me yesterday morning and he sounded like it was a pain in the ass to go. I was like dude, you have the opportunity to go to college fully paid in one of the best countries in the world and get a good education and make something out of yourself and your complaining? I swear if he would have been right in front  of me I would have slapped him right in the face. 

          I feel like in these situations I have the full right to be jealous. Like I have the up most authority. Why? Well , he has a home, he doesn’t have to work, his college is paid for, and let alone that he’s is going to college period. Fuck yes I’m jealous! Or maybe I’m confusing my jealousy with anger? 


          Am I angry? It is a possibility. He is so ungreatfull. I’m fighting and clawing my way through life and he’s chilling and complaining? What kind of a friend is that? He’s privlaged. Way too privlaged. Never had to think about the future because it was simply just given to him. Everything he’s ever wanted just has always been there. He hasn’t ever needed anything because he has always had everything. 


          I was thinking the other day. And it’s kind of funny. I thought, what the fuck did I do in my past life to get stuck in this crappy one. It just came right out of the blue. But I mean it. I see bad things happen to good people. And I see bad people with all their success. Like, Karma, dude you’re failing me! I’ve been nothing but good in this life and it seems I’m In a never ending bad spiral. It’s annoying, just saying. 

          Will I tell my friend how I feel? Of course not. That would only cause more drama. I’ll just keep it to myself because I’m such a peace maker and I’ll talk to him like normal and whatever. But I’ll keep my space. It’s only a matter of time before he thinks highly of himself and leaves me behind in the gettho while he’s off making millions in who knows where doing who knows what, but that’s just the way it is. Welcome to life. 

Gabriel 

            Gabriel. You will never read this. Because the day you do you will stop being my friend. So basically, this letter is more for me than it is for you. It’s just a way to get things out of my system and pretend that I am getting through to you.

            The reason I say you won’t be my friend is not because you wouldn’t want to be. It’s because you have been told not to be. 

            Let me start by going back in time, again. I never met you but I always knew you. From church of course. I was shy and you seemed to get along with every other kid around. I was so shy that you didn’t even know I was part of the congregation even though I attend the same one as you for about four years. Until later on. When I left for good. Or I thought I had.

            We were in this religion called Jehovah’s Witnesses. I grew up there. Is wasn’t so bad. Until I realized I was gay. I always sort of knew but I never said it or admitted it. So being in this religion was a struggle. Until one day I said fuck it, and stopped going. I was maybe eighteen going on to nineteen. It hurt my mom, she was really dedicated. But yet she never knew why I stopped going to the gatherings.

            Then, my moms ex boyfriend came into the picture. Also a JW (Jehovah Witness). He started dating my mom and started giving me bible studies to see if I would go back. I did end up going back. Why? Well, for my mom mainly. And also because I had no job and no place to go. I went back knowing I was gay, but thinking I could change that. I didn’t.

            Though I did met you. Face to face. You walked into my life and it was great. I had no friends in this religion and you were the first. It was nice. When we went to church I finally had someone to talk to instead of the wall. You knew I was shy but still you wanted my friendship. Thank you. Still baffled that you call me a friend. 

            We did have our fall outs here and there but we are still, friends. But are we? You don’t even know my deepest darkest secret. What would you say if I told you I was gay? How would you see me? Would you tell me to change? Would you stop talking to me? Or would you sympathize and say it’s OK? I’ve gotten to know you all this time yet I have no clue what your reaction would turn out to be.

            You know that I have secrets. But why don’t you ask what they are? Are you scared that they will be too dark? I thought friends share everything? But, yet I know you keep things from me. And do I ask? No.

             Did you ever notice my cuts? I know I was a real professional at concealing them. Years of experience does that to you. But, if you did, why didn’t you say anything? When I was quiet why did you ask if everything was ok? Instead you tried your hardest to keep the conversation going with my one word answers.

            Did you ever notice how I was falling apart? I wanted to tell you so many things. I still do. And I wish I could. I wish I could tell you and see how you would react. If you took everything well, then good if not, then I would rewind it all back and just keep sweeping it under the rug.

            When will this cycle of pretend end? How long will I have to live this lie? Some people might say that I have to start thinking about myself and what’s best for me. And deep down maybe I agree with them. But I am not like that. I’m not like them. I look at others before I make decisions. In other words, I see how other people will get affected. And if I come out, a lot will.

            I want to thank you Gabriel for staying by my side. Because even though all my other friends left. Or better said, backed away, you stayed. You made sure to keep me in the loop. Sometimes I did wish you would stop talking to me but it was good that you didn’t. What will be our future if we continue this way?