I went to a party yesterday.
I’m not a party person but I really like the Birthday girl. She’s one of my closest friends. I got to see a lot of people that went to high school with us. She’s really popular so she knows almost half of our city.
The thing about it is, living a double life. Sure I had the time of my life yesterday. But I’m worried about the pictures taken. Who will see them? Will any of my church companions know of the party?
I go to this church where they have strict rules on everything. They live their lives by the Bible. And even though I love God sometimes I am not able to abide by all his rules, and I recognize that.
So I’ve lived my life in two worlds. One, where I’m an Innocent faithful Christian. The other, where I do as I please and live my life to the fullest.
Where and when will this all end? Will things catch up to me? Will someone catch up to the lies?
I know deep down inside I will have to chose a side. I will have to pick what life I want to actually live. And I know doing so many people will be disappointed. That’s just the way it is.
Something happened between one of my friends and I. Yesterday we went to Six Flags yet again and it was such a good day. The ride home was the issue. He was upset that he didn’t win anything on the games that are sort of made up like carnival games. And he was holding on to that feeling the whole drive home.
I tried to cheer him up I really did, but nothing seemed to work. Some how we ended up in my kitchen talking about secrets. I told him I had a secret and he told me he had one too. The thing is that I don’t just have one. I have many, or really one big one that spreads out to many little one, they are all connected little lies.
He said he wouldn’t be able to tell me his because then I would look at him a different way. But now know he’s hiding something from me so big it bugs me even more. I want to know I do, but then at the same time I really don’t. And then there is the possibility that what ever he is withholding isn’t that huge. Maybe its only in his head?
My secret of course is that I’m gay. What is his? How could his be any worse than mine? He said that if I guessed and guessed right he would explain in further detail but if i didn’t then we would just have to move one. But how do you move on from something like this? Nonetheless, how do you try to guess someones secret? It is a secret that’s why you don’t know.
I made up my mind that i would just tell him and have him decide what he wants to do. Tell me his secret or what ever he wants to do. I wrote an email to my first and only girlfriend when we broke up telling her why we did, and it did break her heart a little more but she was happy that I had told her.
Now in this situation I don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t want to see him distance himself from me. Too many people have done that to me and to have one more do that? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Plus this email that I have has some information I have never spoken out loud to anyone. He could drown me with this information. Will he? What do I do? Do I finally come out? Do I finally tell him all the truth? What will he say? What will he do? Will we still be friends in the end?