Pointless 

            This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed. 

             Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work. 

Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful. 

            I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave. 

            The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not. 

             Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot. 

            Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though. 

             I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless. 

            Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in  four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them. 

            Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by? 

Little Bit Of Sunshine

          OK, I’m excited. I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. And yes I know I don’t like being in the spotlight (and really I don’t), but this is way different. All this week at work I have been learning things that my Lead does (she’s second in comand after the Supervisor). I have learned about tasks she gives out and how she creates them on the computer. At first I looked like a first grader, not knowing how to use Excel. But after these four days I have been really getting the hang of it. But of course I need more practice.

          So, the reason she trained me is that she wont be here tomorrow (Cinco de Mayo), or on Monday. I think she is headed down to Mexico. So it’s up to me to keep inventory rolling. And just as there are people who are happy for me that I am learning things that could possibly lead me to having her job when she is gone, there are people who think that its unfair. I don’t really care. I know I deserve what I deserve.

          I was thinking if my Lead decided to take the Supervisor position and I didn’t get the Lead position I don’t think I would mind, if the right person got it. I’m not going to be rooting for someone who can’t do the job. If I see that you can do the job better than me then go ahead and take it. I’m not like one of those people who will be out to get you afterwards. Sure, I will be bummed but not to the degree of revenge.

          So yeah, that’s a little bit of sunshine in my world of darkness. And to many people it might not seem like much. Oh, you have the authority for two days? Total control? Your excited about that? Yes! Yes I am. I love what I do. Sure its tiring some days but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it. And now do this? Hopefully this will open doors for me. Management should see my abilities and my qualities. And once a potion opens for me to go up the latter than hopefully I can take it.

5/4/2017