Even though I’m having fun and enjoying life (reuniting with friends and going to Sequoia) I can’t help but have this feeling at the bottom of my stomach. And no it’s not because of the low amount of sleep I’ve been getting. It’s the fear of losing everything.
I know many people worry about losing their jobs, their family, and maybe even their life. But what if you had to lose all of that by a decision made by another person? A person who didn’t even know what you were going through? Or all the good that you have done?
On September 5th The president of the United States will give a final decision on DACA. (Differed action for Childhood Arrivals). This was an executive order given by Obama when he was president. The purpose? In the simplest of terms, it gives protection to young adult immigrants from deportation since they were brought to America when they were young and had no say.
Some of these people have no recollection of even being any where else. They were brought her to this country as children even babies and had no choice. So why would they be at fault to be thrown out of the country? A country that they have made their own. This is their home. They don’t know anywhere else.
Just imagine for a second that it was you? Imagine you grew up in this marvelous country but yet have no legal status? It wasn’t your fault? At the age of one year and a half did you agree to come here? What papers did you sign? None, because you were brought her against your will by your parents. Well, basically you didn’t have a will because you didn’t even know there were borders.
Thanks to this program thousands of young dreamers have benefited from having legal status. They went to school, got jobs, and have been contributing to the economy. If they were cut from this privilege what would happen to the economy?
I have benefited from this great program for four years now. When I heard Trump was going to remove it when he was campaigning last year that was sorta of my down fall. How will I take care of my mom? How will I pay for her breast cancer treatments? How will I put food in the fridge for my younger brother who is still in high school and is a citizen of this country? Will we get separated just because we were born in different countries? How would you feel if they took your sister or brother away from you thousands of miles away just because they weren’t born in the same place as you? What about the bills? Rent? What if I get thrown out of this country to one where yes, I was born in, but know nothing of? And my mother and brother? Who will fend for them?
I hope and pray that President Trump does not end this program. That he leaves it as is or makes it better. There are people that have much more dependents than I do. They need their jobs. And it would just be a shame to through four years of progress down the drain.
I did it. I finally told my friends what was going on. From my moms cancer to my work/immigration related problems. I felt guilty. That I was blocking them out. That I wasn’t talking to them. And maybe deep down I thought that they could help me. In a way. So I wrote a very long letter.
I explained everything. How it all started, how I felt, how I feel they should have tried harder to talk to me. Every single dark thing I was feeling. I wrote it down. Then sent it through group chat. It was very relieving. But at the same time I was scared to death.
But all of this was because of Moneque. I saw her today before she leaves for Alaska. She just came back from a rave in Vegas. She’s everywhere. And somehow we are supper close, yet not best friends. You know that person who you don’t see very often, yet you have this unspoken connection and will bare all too? Yeah her.
I told her everything and she listened. She told me that I should just tell them also. What else did I have to lose? I was slowly losing them anyway. And they were slowly losing me.
So now I’m waiting for a response. What will they say? Will they blame me? Will they apologize for not trying hard enough? For not asking what was going on? Or will they ignore me just as I had ignored them?
I took a nap late in the afternoon and now I can’t sleep. So, hello Internet, what’s good?
Well, after last week I didn’t know if I would be going to work this week. (Immigration issues). I didn’t want to write about it until I knew I was for sure going to stay. I talked to Jose and he said all the paperwork was sent to HR and if it was important they would have responded so he’s just going to leave it like that. Better for me!
Plus, he said were not doing anything wrong. It’s not like it’s fraud or anything. My application was submitted, it was accepted, and now I just need my work permit to arrive. It’s taking awhile. Thanks Trump. *Rolls eyes*
Speaking of Jose I also talked to him about my moms surgery. Not a lot of people at work know about it. Just him my supervisor and a close coworker. It’s official. It will be June 27th.
Yes, I’m nervous and scared but I’m hopping for the best. I asked for that day plus the rest of the week off. And seeing that July the Forth is the following Tuesday (and we have it off) I asked for Monday off as well. He said it was cool. He even asked if I needed more time off. I said that was enough, I do need to pay bills. We will have some help from family and friends. No doubt that this summer will be overwhelming to say the least but I just want my mom to get better.
I apologized to Gabriel for not going to his graduation party. He said it was ok, that there was no need to apologize. He knows me and knows that I’m not much of a talker. I have to trust and know you 100% to let my feelings out. Or else I’m the equivalent to a rock. Though, I need to stop doing that. Saying I’ll go somewhere and not show up. I should at least say something. Work in progress I suppose.
I have been watching a lot of videos about shin splints. (Leg injuries). I really want my legs to get better so I can continue to run. There is so much that has to do with your leg muscles and all that stuff. How to run right, step right, the right shoes, and even having sturdy hips. Who knew? I’ll work on it though. Need to get back to running as fast as I can.
I’ve also been working on some posts. Letters mainly. I can’t send them to the people that they are written for but I feel getting it out there is a start. Maybe someday I’ll tell them that I have a blog? I have also been working on my own story. Mainly like a miniseries of posts about my main struggles. It’s dark and it’s taking me a while. But I feel good after it’s out there, written down and I’m not carrying it with me. Make sense? Maybe. But for now I shall sleep.
This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed.
Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work.
Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful.
I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave.
The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not.
Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot.
Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though.
I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless.
Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them.
Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by?
I feel like this long three-day weekend went by way to fast. I didn’t even get to do much. Time is slipping away from my fingers and I don’t know what to do about it.
First, Saturday and Sunday I attended a Jehovah Witness assembly, (yes, I am JW). Shocking. It was titled, ‘Don’t Give Up’. It was actually pretty interesting. I do agree with most of the things they teach. They are good people. But some of the things, well mainly one, I can’t help but oppose. That’s a story for a differant day.
Anyway, Saturday I needed to go buy something and so I checked my account and it had said that I had made purchases at three Circle K’s around town. Which I had not. I had to call my credit card and figure out what was going on. They told me I had to fax them proof that I was actually who I said I was. I did that the very next day (yesterday). Now I just have to ait for a call.
Today, Memorial day, I went for an early run at Mount Rubidoux. The sun hadn’t come out too strong which let me stay out for a longer while. As I was climbing up I saw a colorful poster on a traffic sign. It was for a color run.
I have always wanted to participate in one of those so I took a picture of the poster to sign up. My life hasn’t been in the happiest place recently so I thought this could help. Anything really, can actually help right now. I told a friend and he said he would do it.
We researched what it was about and the money goes 100% to charity. The best part is that it is organized by Immigration Law Offices of Hadley Bajramovic. This made me extremely happy. The run supports diversity and unity in the community.
So we signed up and are ready to have fun. Maybe life will treat me better if I have a new perspective about it? Who knows. I just can’t wait to get blasted by colors. I just wish this weekend was longer.