Pointless 

            This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed. 

             Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work. 

Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful. 

            I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave. 

            The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not. 

             Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot. 

            Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though. 

             I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless. 

            Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in  four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them. 

            Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by? 

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Fun Friday

Dear Journal,

          Today was actually looking like it was going to be a good day. Yes, I was almost late to work but I think I have made that a habit. There was a car crash near, well actually right on the corner of work, that made me a little later than I usually am. Once I was inside and we were all hearing the numbers of the work day, we started Fun Friday. Fun Friday is basically a raffle that the company does every Friday if you wear what that that Fun Friday theme is. Fro example, crazy hair day, or mismatch shoes, etc. If you participate you get a ticket. If you win then you receive two movie tickets.

          I had lucky number thirteen at the end of my numbers on my raffle ticket. (There was no theme this week so they just gave a ticket to everyone). There was a split second where I didn’t believe it. Me? Win something? I had to recheck the numbers to see if I was correct, and yes I was! I raised my hand before they would move on and pick a different number. So there, I won movie tickets. It’s the second time I win, granted it has been about seven months though.

          Just when I was on my high, you know being Friday and actually winning at something, I was called to the office because HR had an envelope for me. When I revived it the person who handed it to me said just to bring back the information needed. I was too nervous to open it there so i opened it in the break room. Thank God there was none in there, because what I think was a gasp might have sounded like my soul was leaving my body. I somehow knew what was in the envelope. Nothing good, its always nothing good.

          It stated that I had until June eleventh to turn in a document that states that I am in this country legally. I’ve been in this country since I was less than a year old, I have no recognition of being in any other country. America is all I know. And excuse me, but I probably act more American than most Americans. Yet all my life I have struggled with this legal and illegal stuff. Of course, all I have to do is renew my work permit, which I did. Now I’m just waiting for. Hopefully it comes in time.

          I don’t  really know why this letter got me down so much. I was suddenly thinking how no one else has to go through this. It’s sometimes embarrassing when they run my Social and ask if everything is good and i have to pull out my work permit so they don’t think I’m some kind of criminal. On the other hand, I should be thankful. Which i am to a curtain point. A lot of people really don’t have any other options but I at least have this one, yet I think what will happen when it all ends and I wont be able to renew anything? I can go back to a country that, sadly I was born in but yet know nothing about. That’s the way life is right? Unfair? Injustice? Illogical? Just like our government.

          Anyhow, in the back of my mind I can’t stop thinking about tomorrows party. I know, me go to a party? Well, I just might. I was invited to a party. Some girl from our church that lives literally twenty feet from us. If it was any other person then of course my answer would have been yes, and I would have not shown up. But she happens to live right in front of us so there is no way out of this one. I mean I could just die, but I don’t see how that would solve anything, or would? My brain has been debating all day if I should go or not. I have no clue what I will do.

          So has today turned out to be a Fun Friday?  Initially yes, ultimately no.

 

4/28/2017