I deleted all my dating apps. I only had them for about two weeks but they were starting to take over my life.
Wake up, swipe, eat, swipe, drink, swipe, sleep, swipe. There was just too much swiping. I was getting matches left and right not to toot my own horn or anything.
They were mainly for hook ups but I did have some cool conversations with some of them. Even added them on social media .
But since I’m looking for love and I was not seeing a hint of that I had to let it go. I don’t think I believe in apps for relationships anymore. I don’t think I ever did I just really wanted it to happen. And it didn’t so my theory was proven right.
I always felt like dating through apps was too mechanical. As if you are trying too hard to find love. Love is supposed to happen just because right? Not on some app with some stranger that just happened to swipe right because he was like “eh he ok.”
So now I’m open to what ever. A friend says they have someone in mind for me , show me. If we happen to cross each other’s path then so be it. But I’m just really tired of trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .
Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. Or have bad juju. Or have the worst luck in the world. Or if I get even more creative, which I have, maybe the guy who is in charge of writing my life in the book of life is just screwing with me and likes watching me suffer. Who knows? It's just a series of unfortunate events and they seem to get worse.
Today we went to the oncologist to see what treatment my mother would need. We thought we were finally going to move forward with this. Once we arrived we waiting more than usual and then once in the room we knew why.
They lost the fucking results. Ok let me explain. We have to see three doctors. The surgen, the oncologist, and the lab people. Apparently, when faxing over all the info or how ever they communicate with each other they lost the results. Well, technically not lost. They said that they are some where but they just don't know where. Hello! Definition of lost here.
The oncologist said they are trying to solve this as soon as possible. I saw the look of frustrating on my moms face and tried to calm her. She's already going through enough for this to happen and I hate seeing her down. It's like life is against us. What are we supposed to do? Roll over and die? Seems like that's what life wants.
No. We will survive. We will get though this. My mom is going to call the surgen and see what she can do. If that paper can not be found then the tissue will have to be tested again to see what type of came it is, hormonal, estrogen related, or something else the Dr. said I didn't really catch. And that testing can last for another couple of weeks.
Of course this happens to us. It's so annoying and I can't be surprised it has. After all that we have gone though what's not to be expected? But my fingers are crossed and if I have to start buying candles, a wand, a cauldron, and chant my way to a better life so help me God I will.
These flowers were given to me today by my friend Eli. She texted me yesterday that she wanted to give something to my mom and asked if it was ok to come over. She hasn’t met my mom, but I was going to the store today that’s by her house and I told her we should just meet up close by there so she wouldn’t have to drive all the way here and we could chat a while .
I hadn’t seen her in over four months I think. Since that last time we went to the park togther. It was nice seeing her. And even though I just wanted to talk to her alone I’m glad her husband went as well. Or else I would have been all mopey and gloomy about everything. I’m glad I got to see both if them. It was nice catching up. I really do miss her and I wish we would talk and hang out more. Hopefully the future changes. But life is weird. I’m optimistic right now but that changes really fast. We’ll see what happens , anything can happen.
I think it was really nice of her to give these to my mom. She really liked them. She also have me a little care that’s said hang in there. Telling me that even though things are hard right now they will get better. I hope so, but I don’t know. I should just start going with the flow. The flow seems to be moving pretty well so. I shall move along as well, because in the end life keeps rolling even if you dont.
I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time.
So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females.
Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.
I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out.
My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time.
I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world.
Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us.
These past few days have been a little rough. I’m not going to lie its really hard (this cancer thing). I’m trying my best to stay strong and be positive in front of everyone, but I know soon as I don’t find way to relax and let out my despair I feel like I’ll turn into a ticking time bomb.
This Friday I talked to my boss, and another supervisor. Originally I just wanted my boss to know but its good that she knows just as well, since she will ask questions either way when she notices my change in work habits or absences.
Like any other supporting humans they felt sorry. He (the manager) said he had my full support in what ever I needed. Of course I don’t really need much from him since he is just my boss. All I need from him is the approval to leave early on days in which is necessary. I also informed him that I didn’t want to abuse of his authority that’s why I had to talk to him about it.
I told my best friend. He took it well. I know he will be some sort of anchor for me. Someone I can talk to about everything. He’s eighteen so of course the wisdom he will provide me with will not be that of gran experience but his support will do more or me than he will ever know.
My mom’s ex boyfriend knows as well. He said he’s going to do anything in his power to help us get through this. His brothers wife had breast cancer and uterus cancer. She is a survivor and gave my mom a lot of tips of what she is going to go through and what she can do to make this experience not so bad.
Other than that we haven’t told anyone and mainly it’s because my mom doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. We will tell friends and family first. Then our church. Yes, we are religious. Me, I would consider myself a stray even though I go every Sunday. I never applied anything to my life but I liked going. I was thinking though that it is sad that when we are in trouble we tend to look at God for help. Yet, when we are doing fine we act like there is no God. I don’t like that feeling. That’s why the last time I was in trouble and I looked to him I said I would stay by His side but I did stray anyway. Not enough to not go to church but enough to not be fully there.
All that’s left to do know is wait and see where this journey will take us. It’s not going to be fun, I know. I will struggle, it will change us all for ever, no matter what the outcome will be. I lost two friends in the beginning of the year and have gotten closer to another. My job is OK for now, I just hope we all have the strength to keep moving forward.