Full Disclosure, I’m Married

I’m falling for someone I know I shouldn’t.

It’s so easy to say. But it’s so hard to just say so with that being said I’m going to move on. Impossible, your heart wants what it wants even when it’s so wrong.

Let me elaborate.

Maybe about two months or so ago I downloaded an app called Whisper, it’s an application where you can post a picture with a quote on it. The quote can be anything you want it to be.

I mainly used the app for expression. Some assholes always just wanted to trade naked pics. It was such a drag. So then I wondered, what if there is some out there? Someone in my situation?

What did I do? I posted about what I was going through to see if anyone would see it. Someone did. It was shady at first because how can some be exactly like me? I felt alone in this world and now here there was a guy telling me he felt the same way.

We messaged each other for ever and once he sent me a picture of what he looked like I was hooked. Plus, him complimenting my looks was such a nice boost of self esteem for me. I don’t get that often and it’s nice when I do.

Talking and talking led to me asking him to move the convos over to a more personal way of communication for us millennials, Snapchat.

Once we started talking he said, “full disclosure, I’m married.”

My heart broke in two pieces. How could he have just done that to me? Make me believe that he liked me and I was warming up to him, and then drop a bomb like that? What about her? Yes her.

Turns out he’s “bisexual.” Now my brain is so confused. I found a guy who understands exactly what i am going through. And he really likes me. But the whole situation is insane.

What do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Is he confused and just wants to use me to spend the time? He hasn’t been inappropriate. What are his intentions? I mean he did tell me straight up that he was married. Not straight straight up because he did wait some time but still.

I’ve already started to like him. A lot.

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Not For You, Not For Them, But For Me

Two weeks ago, I made an elaborate plan to take my life. This is my story.

Never in my life have I felt so low. Yes, considering all things I had thought about it many many times before. Had I ever acted upon it? No. This time it was different. This time, I was way to close.

It has taken me two weeks to come to terms with everything and finally write about it. Not for you, not for them, but for me. I need to let it out. Let my brain know that even if I don’t know you, at least you have known what I’ve been through.

My life has always been stressful. But these past couple of weeks of been the hurricane to the normal storms I was having.

With my mom’s reconstruction surgery coming soon, work problems, religion, and my best friend suddenly turning his back towards me, I saw no other option at that point.

I was tired. I was humiliated. I was worried. I was scared. All my options had all run out, or so I thought. So what would you do standing in a cliff when your heart is the one screaming no but your brain shouts louder walk.

I cried. Cried so hard there were no more tears my eyes were able to give. So hard that my lungs did more work in my life than they have ever done while running. Face red, cheeks sore, throat horse, I fell asleep.

My indecisiveness finally came in handy. The day I awoke I felt better about everything. Like I had gotten a second chance. Nothing changed. What changed was the way I viewed them.

My friend came to apologize. I forgave him on the spot. We all need forgiveness. We should not be walking around this life with extra baggage when we already have so much to carry.

I won’t say things will get better for anyone. Because, honestly, sometimes they don’t. All I can say is what can get better, is the way you view them.

The Aftermath

I did it. I finally did it. I came out to my best friend and I thought it was going to be the hardest thing ever but it actually wasn’t. It’s was a little too easy I thought.

That’s not the thing that’s is bugging me though. It’s the aftermath. I thought this would bring as closer. But then again there was a possibility that it would drive us apart. And I feel that is what is happening.

I know it must be hard for him to understand or comprehend, and I should be understanding, it’s not everyday your best friend tells you he’s gay. But still I feel that there is a distance between us.

I over think things a lot. This might be one of the ultimate situations I have been overthinking lately. But who are we kidding? How can we possibly say that things were going to stay the same?

I know he choses what words to say. I know he’s careful in the way he speaks. We planned on hanging out the day after I told him and that day we didn’t end up doing anything because he had to go do “stuff”.

I thought to myself, does he not want to hang out? I also was thinking how needy I am. I need approval I need validation. Maybe he’s just tired of all that? Maybe he’s been drained and is to the point were he’s had enough but can’t find it in himself to cut me off.

I’m afraid that if I give us space eventually one of us will walk away. Will that happen regardless?

I sent him a Buzzfeed snapchat. On it was a list of things you like to do on your phone. It was all for fun. There was a question in there that he answer that bugged me. “Do you like texting rather then talking in person?” To which he said yes.

I swear I over thought that so much. Like, was he saying that he doesn’t want to hang out? Or in general with other people? But still how can someone like to text more that speak in person? And I the only one in this world who still sees the value in personal interaction.

I don’t know what to think anymore. No, that’s wrong because we all know I have so many more thoughts. But I’ll stop here for now.

Trust

I didn’t do it.

I was too scared. My whole life is in that email. To just give it away like that. It was just too much for me. I decided that I’ll put it somewhere safe and if he ever decides to want to read it I’ll hand it over.

But why am I just going to spill my soul when he won’t? I know there needs to be trust in friendships but this goes way deeper . It’s all my secrets . I don’t want to overwhelm him with everything if all he has to say is one little mistake he made.

This morning when I woke up I decided that in the notebook that we share, I’ll be writing things he doesn’t know about slowly building my way up to what I have to tell him. It’s not for him to tell me his secrets it’s just for him to see how much I trust him.

Connected Little Lies

Something happened between one of my friends and I. Yesterday we went to Six Flags yet again and it was such a good day. The ride home was the issue. He was upset that he didn’t win anything on the games that are sort of made up like carnival games. And he was holding on to that feeling the whole drive home.

 

I tried to cheer him up I really did, but nothing seemed to work. Some how we ended up in my kitchen talking about secrets. I told him I had a secret and he told me he had one too. The thing is that I don’t just have one. I have many, or really one big one that spreads out to many little one, they are all connected little lies.

 

He said he wouldn’t be able to tell me his because then I would look at him a different way. But now know he’s hiding something from me so big it bugs me even more. I want to know I do, but then at the same time I really don’t. And then there is the possibility that what ever he is withholding isn’t that huge. Maybe its only in his head?

 

My secret of course is that I’m gay. What is his? How could his be any worse than mine? He said that if I guessed and guessed right he would explain in further detail but if i didn’t then we would just have to move one. But how do you move on from something like this? Nonetheless, how do you try to guess someones secret? It is a secret that’s why you don’t know.

 

I made up my mind that i would just tell him and have him decide what he wants to do. Tell me his secret or what ever he wants to do. I wrote an email to my first and only girlfriend when we broke up telling her why we did, and it did break her heart a little more but she was happy that I had told her.

 

Now in this situation I don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t want to see him distance himself from me. Too many people have done that to me and to have one more do that? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Plus this email that I have has some information I have never spoken out loud to anyone. He could drown me with this information. Will he? What do I do? Do I finally come out? Do I finally tell him all the truth? What will he say? What will he do? Will we still be friends in the end?