I’m sitting in my car outside of my local Starbucks.
I bought an ice tea to calm my nerves. Extra sugar light ice, just how I like it.
Yesterday I went out with a group of friends to eat at Applebee’s. It was nice. I tried my hardest to steer the conversation to anyone other than me. They are all doing well and they seem really happy.
One of them invited us to a party that’s going on this very second. I told them I might go. Of course that’s code for thank you but no. I don’t do parties.
I arrived home around midnight and woke up 4 hours later. Another friend texted me at midnight and I responded thinking she would be asleep. She replied almost immediately.
She wanted to talk about her boyfriend. Like always I’m everyone’s punching bag. Their safe place to vent. I’m always there for them. So I told her ok.
I met her at the gym and I told her I couldn’t go inside. She said it was lonely because it was 5AM. But still, having people stare at me while I work out just didn’t appeal to me. But suddenly I’m inside walking next to her on a treadmill.
She told me how her boyfriend got drunk with his friends and left her out to dry. This happens often, so it didn’t come out as a surprise. The thing is that she’s over it. She made a total mess in their room.
Later on in the day she called me crying saying that she got kicked out and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her. I was there for her and listened to her.
The friend that I came out to has been really distant. But then again he doesn’t show his emotions. It’s like he’s a wall. No, I have better conversations with walls.
He snap chatted me , life is good.
I started crying. I started gasping for air. I felt as if I as inside a balloon. Digging my fingers through rubber trying to escape. The air felt so thin. Heat burned my ears and my hands dripped with sweat.
There was a point when I didn’t even have tears. It was just the sound of pathetic sobbing. Out loud I heard someone repeat, I’m tired, over and over. I shortly realized that it was me.
My brain is playing me. My brain is tricking me into feeling things I do not wish to feel. I ask myself, how do I stop this? But like always I never have the answer.
I know many people. I’m close to a lot of them but I consider very few my actual friends. They are more like very close acquaintances. People that I talk to constantly but have no trust in.
There is one friend though who is closer than the rest. She’s really cool. When I was going through all my shit and also my moms breast cancers she was there to get me through it. Out of all the people that I pushed away she would always try to get a hold of me.
That’s what I appreciated the most. I went through a dark phase where I told everyone that I didn’t want them around when I was hopping they would say no were her for you and we’re not going anywhere. But they didn’t. Only she did, and that made me see a lot of things a lot clearer.
Even now that I communicate with all my friends and our relationship is better than before she is still the one I talk to on a daily basis. Recently she’s been going through a lot. She doesn’t have a job currently and I fell terrible for her because I was in her shoes once.
We went out to eat last Wednesday and I lent her some money to get her by. She was one her way to an interview and it’s looking like she’s going to get it. I hope she does. She is a good person and deserves more than what life is giving to her.
But that’s what this post is more about. Giving. We need more of that. When people need help we need to start learning how to give. There is to much going on now a days that we need to come together. Plus, you never know when you will be in that situation that will need the help.
It does not have to be money. I know most people automatically say I don’t have any money or resources. That’s not the only way we can help. Just being there for someone, listen to them, hear them out, help them with anything that they might need. We are only hurting ourselves by making enemies, we not come together and work as a team?
I have a friend, he’s been going though a lot lately. He’s been up to so much and he feels like he’s running in a race and everything is moving so fast he just can’t keep up. This friend a good person, at least to my understanding. He has done no wrong and no harm to anyone.
This friend told me what he’s going through. He said that he loves his job, he loves his family, his friends are cool. But life is just not treating him fairly. I asked him why he felt that way when everything seemed to be going well for him. He just said that seemed was the word to stand out in that sentence.
I told this friend to let it all out. He said he couldn’t. He said his friends wouldn’t know how to help him. He said his friends love him but wouldn’t understand what’s going on. He also told me he doesn’t want to make everyone feel down about his problems when they also have problems.
My friend told me he loves his family, and that’s why he’s working two jobs. He wants to save up for the rainy day that he knows is in its way. I told him to breathe and take it easy. He said he did, but that didn’t really help much. I asked him to tell me the honest truth, he did, and it scared me.
I told him that everything should get better, that it didn’t have to stay that way, he told me he doesn’t see it happening. I reminded him of all the good things he’s done and the things he has overcome, he agreed that those things have made him stronger but yet those things have also warn him done a bit.
I talked to him since our last chat. He sounds better. I asked him what changed? He said he didn’t know. He just felt different. Could it be something isn’t ok with him? Could it be he has some sort of disorder? I didn’t ask him but the way I looked at him he new what I was thinking.
As I pressed my hand on the bathroom mirror I looked into my friends eyes and told him with all sincerity that everything was going to be ok.
In the looks of money shortage I have decided to start a Go Fund Me account. It wasn’t an easy decision. I am one of those people that doesn’t like to ask for help. Not because I am full of pride and what not, but because I don’t want to be dead weight on someone. I don’t want to seem like I am burden on someone. But things are complicated right now.
My moms surgery turned out to be successful and things are looking great for her. Yes we’re still having trouble with the insurance again, and this time for the oncologist. Granted we were having trouble with them since the beginning. For instance, they are charging us the first appointments we went to back in March and April which some up to the hundreds. Things are hard as it is and with bills being pilled up on top just makes everything even more stressing.
Yesterday my dog past away which just added more grief to the already huge mountain we have. I created this Go Fund Me account a while back a couple of weeks before we knew that my mom had breast cancer. I never published it or shared it because I was scared to. What would people say? How would I look? Like a failure? Like someone who couldn’t keep it together? These thoughts pushed me back and I thought I could do it on my own, but it seems like I can’t.
I have been at my lowest for a while and I just need a little help getting back up. You don’t need to donate if you don’t want to, some words of encouragement will go a long way as well. Either way thank you.
So, it has been a week since my mother’s surgery and I can say she’s doing really well. It’s nice to see her smiling and laughing . A lot of her church friends have come to lend they’re support and to also bring food and what not. I’m great full for that. The elders from the congregation have not yet came to see her which I think that’s pretty fucked up. If you are supposed to take care of your “flock” and one of your “sheep” is hurting and needs words of encouragement they are the ones that should be here first . But then again this congregation is full of hypocrisy. But which one isn’t right? That’s the definition of religion.
Tomorrow I return to work but only for a couple of hours since I have to take my brother to the doctor and then later also my mom for her check up . I was planning on going back on Thursday and Friday but I feel That I should also take those to days off and just start a fresh new week next week. I know I’m the sole provider but I really want to be here for my mom.
I had a mini fight with (my only church/real life friend) which left me feeling guilty . We have a visit at church from someone important and he wanted me to go. I told him I wanted to stay home with my mom. But he took it soon himself to call some people so they would take care of my mom and I would go. That made me upset because it’s not his decision weather I go to church of not. Yes, he’s probably worried about my spiritually but still. He apologized and we said good night. And that was the end of it.
After that I felt like I just didn’t have anyone who really understood me. So what do you do when you have only one friend and your mad at that friend so you literally can’t talk to anyone about your problems? You go online and you talk to strangers. Look, it was late and I was irritated, at the moment it sounded like the best idea. And I actually found some guy who lives in Mississippi. Not that that’s close by but still. We talked for two hours then I fell asleep. I haven’t talked to him yet today but maybe later on. Again, I’m usually not the one who reaches out first.
I’m feeling overwhelmed just a little bit I can’t let that get to me right now. I just have to find a way to distract myself from everything that’s going on or else my marbles will be lost.