I have a rant. If you don’t wont to hear it then the door is right there *points to the door*.
OK, so lately I think working two jobs is getting to me. I have been more stressed and have been more worn out. I have been feeling down. I think I need time to myself, time to go far far away with my thoughts and just think.
One of my greatest problems is giving my all to people and it seems that I never get back half of what I give. I feel so unappreciated. I feel unwanted. I do feel needed but only to be used for other people’s purpose.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of always complaining. I’m tired of always playing the victom. Why can’t I for once be the one with the perfect life. Why can’t I be satisfied with what I have. I like to think I am happy with the things I do and the things that I own, but I don’t, and I don’t want more. Possessions is not what I desire. Its peace. Its time. It’s just the feeling of being ok. But how can I have those things when all I feel is empty.
Breathe in and out. Feel the sand run through your toes. Feel the rays of the sun jump on your skin and gracefully caress your face. You hear the waves of the ocean splash against the shore. People laughing. Kids playing in the sand. And it’s calm. It’s all calm.
You remember what it’s like being a kid. You remember how you father helped you get up when you first fell off your bike. You remember your mom teaching you how to tie your shoes. You remember how much fun you had in school. How you couldn’t wait to go back. You remember how you never fought with your friends. And when you did, did you remember the next day? No.
You suddenly feel that feeling you felt when you were young on Sunday mornings. Waiting for a bright future. You remember those waffles that only your mom knew how to make. How your dad loved football and always had snacks on Sundays. You remember feeling warm every Christmas Eve. And you couldn’t wait for New Years to come around to finally stay up past your bed time.
The candy’s on halloween and valentines. Your first crush. Your first love. You breathe in and smell that first day of school smell. That first car you bought with your own money.
Everything is calm.
You run your hands through the oceans sands and remember how it felt to always have your blanket. How it protected you from the monsters and the ghouls. How it felt hugging your dad when he came home. How it felt holding your first loves hand. In the winter it was cold, and in the summer you would just high five.
You open your eyes. The ocean is blue and the sky is a piercing orange. The end of another day. Just to be soon the beginning of another. The water waves at you. You wave back, and everything is calm.
Yesterday I went to the beach. It was a small day-cation. I really needed it. And I had the time of my life.
Yesterday was a very eventful day. I took the day off at my first job just to have enough time do do everything I had to do. I have been putting off things for so long that they were catching up to me. Plus, my mom needed to fix some issues with the medical insurance and I wanted to be there.
First we went to her old primary doctor. She’s not her doctor any more but we love her for all the help she provided when my mom was going through the tests for breast cancer. She told us to go to the county hospital to apply for a financial aid for my mothers reconstruction surgery.
Once we went there and filled out all the paper work we got approved . The girl there said that it wouldn’t cover everything but that’s fine what ever helps is good right now. After that I changed my primary care to my moms clinic and her doctor because she’s a pretty good doctor .
Later got a hair cut cause I gotta look fly. Also cooked, cleaned , and did some laundry before heading over to my second job.
I’m glad I had the day off. I did so much things other then the ones I mentioned. Having two jobs is stressful. My time is limited. And sometimes I feel like I can’t go on, but some how I do. And some how I feel like everything will be alright.
I just came back from the park. I had a nice little walk and a great big talk with an old friend. Turns out she wasn’t that mad I got really distant with her. I still blame myself because I could have told her what was going one. That’s not like me though.
It seems that life is treating her really well and I’m happy for her. I wish and hope it stays that way. She wants to lose weight and I hope she achieves her goal. And again, it was really nice talking with her. It had been months since we had seen each other and we live in the same city.
I did tell her about my mom. She hugged me with tears in her eyes, and as much as I also wanted to burst out in tears as well I held it in because I have already cried enough, and I’m not much for crying in front of people. She’s so sweet. I wonder if our friendship can recuperate after such a long time apart. I really do love her and care about her so I hope she feels the same way. I miss her still.
I honestly do not know what the future has in store for me anymore soI have been falling into the feeling that I don’t even care anymore. If its good, then welcome, if its not, should I even be surprised?
Today I woke up just minutes before my alarm clock sounded. It’s was almost magical. I woke up, turned it off before it had the chance to ring, then got dressed. I made my tea with ginger and got ready for work. I was a little early but that was a good thing. There was almost no traffic, which is weird for a Friday, but I can’t complain. Once I came to work everyone greeted me with warm smiles. You could tell on their faces that they were happy the weekend was here.
Work was rather fast pace. I was surprised it was going that smoothly. I was off and out the door in time. The sun was hitting in a way that made everything look beautiful. Spring. The car ride home was warm and full of music from my favorite playlist. I got home and my mom had made a nice dish which still makes my mouth water at the thought. I read a little before taking a quick shower. Got settled in bed and fell asleep.
Of course, all this sounds way too good to be true. That’s because it is. None of these things actually happened. But I wish it were like that. I think we all wish it was like that. We all wish to wake up and have a good day, or maybe hope it will be good.
What actually happened? Yes I woke up, obviously, but not before my alarm clock. It rang and my ears almost bled. I laid there wanting to go back to sleep but also knowing that I had an obligation. An obligation I wish I didn’t have. After loosing all that time I had almost no time to get ready. Got in my car and had only about less than fifteens to get to work. I made it. One minute late, which will cost me .25 of a point. Great. No one said hi, or seemed to notice my presence.
After I settled into work, it was hectic. Not over the top crazy, but enough to not want to be there. Someone at work asked if I was tired, I asked them why? They answered, “your face looks tired.” Well thanks, that’s really motivating. Went home thirty minutes after i was supposed to and showered. It was nice to see my mom. After the shower I went for a run, don’t know how long but my muscles are sore so must have been a while. Now I shall sleep, I agreed to work at four AM because who needs a social life right?