Work In Progress 

            I took a nap late in the afternoon and now I can’t sleep. So, hello Internet, what’s good? 

             Well, after last week I didn’t know if I would be going to work this week. (Immigration issues). I didn’t want to write about it until I knew I was for sure going to stay. I talked to Jose and he said all the paperwork was sent to HR and if it was important they would have responded so he’s just going to leave it like that. Better for me! 

             Plus, he said were not doing anything wrong. It’s not like it’s fraud or anything. My application was submitted, it was accepted, and now I just need my work permit to arrive. It’s taking awhile. Thanks Trump. *Rolls eyes* 

             Speaking of Jose I also talked to him about my moms surgery. Not a lot of people at work know about it. Just him my supervisor and a close coworker. It’s official. It will be June 27th.

             Yes, I’m nervous and scared but I’m hopping for the best. I asked for that day plus the rest of the week off. And seeing that July the Forth is the following Tuesday (and we have it off) I asked for Monday off as well. He said it was cool. He even asked if I needed more time off. I said that was enough, I do need to pay bills. We will have some help from family and friends. No doubt that this summer will be overwhelming to say the least but I just want my mom to get better. 

             I apologized to Gabriel for not going to his graduation party. He said it was ok, that there was no need to apologize. He knows me and knows that I’m not much of a talker. I have to trust and know you 100% to let my feelings out. Or else I’m the equivalent to a rock. Though, I need to stop doing that. Saying I’ll go somewhere and not show up. I should at least say something. Work in progress I suppose. 

             I have been watching a lot of videos about shin splints. (Leg injuries). I really want my legs to get better so I can continue to run. There is so much that has to do with your leg muscles and all that stuff. How to run right, step right, the right shoes, and even having sturdy hips. Who knew? I’ll work on it though. Need to get back to running as fast as I can. 

              I’ve also been working on some posts. Letters mainly. I can’t send them to the people that they are written for but I feel getting it out there is a start. Maybe someday I’ll tell them that I have a blog? I have also been working on my own story. Mainly like a miniseries of posts about my main struggles. It’s dark and it’s taking me a while. But I feel good after it’s out there, written down and I’m not carrying it with me. Make sense? Maybe. But for now I shall sleep.

Good night Internet. 
              

             

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Worst Person Ever 

            So yesterday I was supposed to go to my best friends graduation party. He’s my best friend (only friend I guess) but I’m not sure if I’m his best friend. He’s very popular and very well known. Very sociable. 

            I can’t help but think I’m the worst person ever. All day yesterday I looked for what I could give him as a gift. I got him an emoji pillow and a notebook that has line, graph, and blank paper. Along with pencils and erasers. 

            I put them in the gift bag and I was ready to go. But I actually never even went. I didn’t go. My anxiety got the best of me. It took over. How cruel is that? I didn’t go to my own best friends grad party? Do I even have a heart? 

            First, I started thinking about all the people that would be there. I had asked him before and he said he didn’t know. His parents did the invites. They even did the party at one of his other friends house because there was more space, even though his house is pretty big. Yes, I was anxious. 

            Second, I wasn’t going to talk to anyone there. Yes, I would have probably known some of them, but I’d doubt they would have come up to talk to me. They don’t at church, why at a party? Gabriel had already apologized before hand saying he was sorry if he didn’t even get a chance to talk to me because he would be so busy. I understand that. He has to greet and conversate with all his guests. Thank them for coming and the gifts and what not. 

            Third, with all that’s going on I didn’t even feel like partying. Or being social. I could barley talk to a wall. I felt like running. I wanted to run as fast as I could until not being able to feel my legs. So that’s what I did. I went outside and walked for maybe two hours. It felt good. 

            Forth, well, I am kind of jealous. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him. He’s graduated, has his college paid for, got a car from his parents, has a house to live in, got a grad party, he has it all. Does he deserve it all? I would say yes every time. He’s a cool guy. I mean, I haven’t scared him away like Eli and Jenny, yet

            I just look at my life and ask why? I have done so much and yet my life sucks. There is so much struggle. When I told Eli that my mom has breast cancer she started crying, asked the same thing. “Why are you always going through all these bad things?” she had asked. It’s like I’m plagued with some curse that won’t let me live in peace. 

            Maybe you need to try harder? Trust me, I have tried. I have given this life all I have. I have worked for everything I have. I have been the father figure for my brother. I was the strength for my mother when our father left us even when I myself couldn’t bare. In the bad times I have always worn the face of courage. I have been the strength for my family that has kept us moving forward. But I feel that inside it has all eaten me away. 

            I have been the nicest person to the meanest of people. I have helped those who wouldn’t even lend me a hand. But where is karma? Has she mistaken me for some one else?  Has she forgotten the rules to her own game? Has she taken a break? A short little vacation? Or has she simply retired letting life rule over us all? 
            Now I have to find a way to apologize to Gabriel. I don’t know how to explain to him what I feel. Maybe how I wrote it on here but it just wouldn’t be the same. 

Some Of Us Have To Suffer So Others Don’t 

So Journal, 

          You could say that I am furious at my friends. I feel like they don’t understand what I’m going through. They don’t realize the struggle that is my life right now. Yes, I know I don’t roam around spilling my guts out for the world to see but they should notice if they are my friends correct? Correct

          One of my estranged friends keeps sending me funny memes from Buzzfeed and People, yet she hasn’t spoken or texted me in over two months. Is this her way of saying hi? Of trying to find out how I’m doing? By sending me memes about how girls feel better and more powerful when they don’t shave their legs? I want to scream through the phone CALL ME! I NEED HELP!  Seriously, I really do want to hear her voice. I want her to tell me that everything will get better, even though it won’t. I want her to make me laugh the only way she knows how. I want to see her face to face. See her smile. Hear her laugh. But how can we do that if the only way she is trying to comunicate is through memes? Then in the other hand she might not know any other way to break the ice. I have no clue. And I don’t know what to do. 

          I was also talking to another friend, his name is Gabriel. (I talk about him enough, I feel like his name should be mentioned by now.). He went to a funeral today and he said he found emotions that he didn’t have before. I was very curious to see what he meant. He explained that his dad is a drunk (this I knew) and that he didn’t know what to do. He said he didn’t know what will happen if it gets worse and he’s very deeply sad. 

          Ok, let’s back the train the fuck up. First of all. Yes your dad drinks. But he has two homes. One that you live in, have your own room, and have more than enough food in. The second one he rents to people  which provides even more money to the home that you’re currently living in. Third, he works a full time job. Sure every weekend he likes to get a little tipsy and have fun, the man does so much! He’s not your typical drunk. The ones you see on TV that don’t have any money and have long hair and a beer belly. He just looks like another dad. 

          I understand what he’s going through. My dad was a drunk. But my dad was a real drunk. He didn’t give a shit. He wouldn’t come home for days. He would work when he wanted. And sometimes we would have to eat bread and milk for a couple of days until my mom found some way to bring home food. Thank god my dad isn’t around anymore. He was a piece of shit. But him complain about his dad? You little fucker! Let him get drunk that’s his way of unstressing. As long as he provides you a roof and food what esle do you want? 

          What gets me mad is that he sounds like he is in deep pain. Like he’s morning the loss of something. He’s like in the brink of depressing and I’m just like dude really? I know I should be more understanding, but come on! My mom has cancer, we’re on food stamps, and I can barley keep up with the  bills. And your going to tell me that you’re sad?

          Update: he just messaged me that he’s planning his graduation party. I’m done. He doesn’t know how fucking privaliged he is. I never had a graduation party. So while I’m over here struggling to provide for my family in my early twenties he’s going to be having the time of his life being showered with gifts.

           I know I sound like an asshole, but life is so unfair. I look back at my life and try to see what I did wrong to deserve all this bad karma. But I can’t. All I see is a great little kid with a big heart who never got in trouble and always got straight A’s. But I guess in this life some of us have to suffer so others don’t. 

5/1/2017