Gray Areas

Is it possible for a man who has in the past and present presented himself and or classifies as gay to catch feelings for a female?

This question has been at the top of my head for over a month now. And even though I have been dating men for a while now and I do find them attractive and I classify myself as a gay man, I have built up feelings for one of my friends who is a female.

Long story short, I’m in a wedding this upcoming weekend and I will be dancing for the bride and groom. They partnered me with someone I’ve known only by face and namely my church. Obviously when you have someone so close to you and spend hours practicing you get to know them.

Not many people know this but my first love was actually a female. Also a childhood friend. I wanted to be with her, talk to her, hold her hand, hold her in my arms, and kiss her. But yet here I am classifying myself as a gay. My biggest question is what am I?

Here I am again, getting to know this wonderful girl, who has a huge heart and a beautiful smile. I talk to her everyday and it comes so naturally. All these years I walk around thinking I like guys and guys only. Then again I’ve been taught to grow up and marry a woman, so that also makes me overthink these feelings.

Do I like her because I was taught to? Or do I really like her? What do I classify as? Am I gay? Am I bisexual? One of my friends said I might be pansexual. Could that be so? Am I attracted to personality above the physical or gender? How can I be so sure that I am one thing and not the other?

Why do we even have to be labeled in these boxes? Why do we have to identify as anything? Why can we not just like what we like and not feel bad about it?

I know people have so many options over gender identification and sexuality. And I know they want it all to be black and white. But it’s not, it’s really not. There are so many gray areas. It’s not just you’re a guy you like girls or you’re girl you like guys or guys with guys and girls with girls, love is love is it not? Love sees no gender? Love is not about sex, it’s about who you love, who you want to spend your time with, and the rest of your life with.

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I Hate How Some Gays Act Like Girls

Date from hell.

That’s the only way I can describe the date I went to this past Friday night. No, nothing really happened in the aspect of weird scenarios, but the fact that the guy was just so closed minded and difficult make me cringe just at the thought of remembering it.

I had been talking to him for a little over two weeks and he seemed like a really nice person. But messaging someone is so different from actually talking to them face to face. I was excited to meet him, I really liked him and he was actually pretty cute.

All of those perceptions of him changed once he started opening his mouth. I picked him up because he doesn’t drive (that’s like a bad start already). He had me waiting an hour because he wasn’t even ready. We were going hiking, what did he need to get ready for? It’s just a hiking.

We ate pizza and he paid for it saying he was sorry he made me wait a while. He told me that his nephew had just lost his cat and he didn’t want to leave him alone. Yet his mom was there to take care of him.

Anyway, meanwhile on the way to the hike, it starts going south and that’s when I got that guy feeling that I wasn’t going to like him. I’m not sure what started it all but he came out saying he didn’t like drag queens. He said he respects them but he doesn’t understand them or know why they have to do what they do. Ok I let that one slide. Some people just don’t like the things you do and that’s ok we can all be different.

But then he says he doesn’t classify with the gay community and he doesn’t think they have helped him in any way, shape, or form. Now, I’m not a crazy gay community fanatic. I’m not waiving my rainbow flag in your face or shoving my rights down your throat, but I do appreciate what te gay community has done for me.

Because of the gay community I am more accepted by others, I have the choice to get married if I wanted to, and even though there still is discrimination there is way less than how it used to be. I am more free because of the gay community. Because of their protects, because of their parades and exposure people have grown to accept the gay community. Sure not everything is represented accurately but I’m not gonna sit here and deny that they have helped me.

He also said he doesn’t want to be a cliche. Ok, sure that’s understandable. But if you follow that up with “I hate how some gays act like girls, if I wanted to be with a girl I’d date a girl.” You fall in that category of gays who hate other gays.

I understand we all have our likes and dislikes, like I said before that’s great that’s fine, we are all different. But why does hate have to come into play? Why do you have to broadcast it in such a way that makes you sound like you’re putting them down?

To make matters worse, while hiking he says he was straight before and he had crushes on girls but they never paid attention to him so now that’s why he’s gay. *insert face slap emoji here* This dude either has issues with his sexually or just flat out does not want to be gay. Something must have happened in his life to make his views on being gay so terrible.

Don’t get me wrong, I myself for the longest time denied to be gay. But I wasn’t out there telling the world I was straight. I always tell people I wanted to be straight. But there was never one point in my life wheee I actually felt straight.

Through our time that we had been in communication he had told me that guys never return his calls or never want to go in a second date with him. I didn’t understand that because he was a nice looking guy. He seemed sweet, but he’s rotten form the inside with his closed up mind and thoughts.

Three Dates One Week

I went on a date yesterday. No, not a dinner or anything fancy but it was nice. I met this guy like I do most guys online, talk to him and add him on my social media. I basically have to figure out if it’s safe or not to meet him. I want to have fun but I don’t want to die.

The plan was to meet up at Jack in the box and eat, I’m a cheap date honestly. But that didn’t work out so I just met up at his work. Speaking of his work he’s the one that got my brother the job at the same place he works at. So I felt like I kind of owed him a date. Sounds bad but I had a good time.

I honestly thought I was only going to to see him once, but I’ll be seeing him again today, he has a really nice smile and I kind of actually liked him. I’m not gonna say that I fell for him because I didn’t. I just like looking at his face. (LoL).

Tomorrow I have another date with another guy I’ve been talking to. He seems really cute but for some reason he swears every guy he meets blows him off and never speaks to him again. I want to know why. Not that it matters much but he’s not fat, he’s really sweet, and he’s cute. Why would guys run from that? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

Saturday I have another brunch/movie date with the guy I met (sexually drunkenly made out with) at the club a while back. I have a feeling he’s going to cancel for some reason , he’s cute too but I would mind. These threes dates I’m under a week can get to me. Plus I have a lot of stuff to do in between all this dating.

I honestly don’t know what I want. To have fun? Be in a relationship? Am I ready to fall in love again? How will my life change if any of these guys are actually worth it? Either way im swimming in the ocean and seeing what’s good.

Skull

Party animal.

That’s one of the ways you can describe me. Or should I say that’s one of the ways I want to be described?

This weekend I watched Christopher Robin. Yes I’m a little kid at heart. It almost made me cry. I loved it. I remember watching the cartoons and the movies when I was young. The one I loved the most was Pooh’s grand adventure. Christopher Robin leaves Pooh and note that he’s going to school but he leaves it stuck to a honey pot that the words get smudged and Pooh’s friend end up thinking it says skull, and that’s where the adventure starts as they set out to bring back Christopher from Skull.

Saturday I finally showed a friend this blog. I think she’s been reading some of my posts, you guys will get to know here as Queenlynn. As I told her about my blog I really was thinking if I should just tell everyone else? Should they know what I wrote about them? Should they know what goes on in my head? What I’ve been trough? I’m going to give it more thinking and then decide.

On a different note, I met this guy on Grindr who I’ve gone to the movies before. We turned out good friends and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I of course said yes. We saw a drag show and then after danced until two in the morning. I got to meet his friend. They seem pretty cool and I swear they make the cutest type of combination as friends.

The club was awesome and I really liked the vibe. There were more people than last time. I danced all the way until they shut it down. Then we chilled at my car till I sobered up before hitting a fast food place because we were hungry. Then I hit my bed.

I woke up maybe three hours later and headed to LA with a friend to buy a suit for a wedding I will be one of the grooms men in. I’m excited to be honest. I’ve never been anything important at a wedding so this is exciting. Plus I’ve been going to a lot of get togethers where they have had dance music and I’ve been loving that.

I was tired as hell but it was really worth it. This weekend went by way too fast but it was amazing at the same time. I need to slow down though. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for the last three months and I need to gather my thoughts.

Much To Tell

Writers block.

You could say that I have writers block. My brain has been really empty for the first part of August. Or maybe I should say that my life has been empty. Nothing much has happened since the last time I wrote. I usually wrote when something happens and an idea forma in my head.

That’s basically why I’m writing now. The idea; writers block. So, basically I would have to write and mumble about how it’s affecting me and what not. But that sounds really boring to say the least.

Then, I thought hey I just came out to a coworker maybe that’s a good story to tell. But it wasn’t really a coming out story because I never really said I was gay. At the same time she kind of understood me on so many levels. With her being a lesbian too I think she saw it in my eyes. So there’s not much to tell there.

But alas! This weekend I will have much to tell, I promise.