Swiper, No Swiping

I did it. I mean I really did it.

I deleted all my dating apps. I only had them for about two weeks but they were starting to take over my life.

Wake up, swipe, eat, swipe, drink, swipe, sleep, swipe. There was just too much swiping. I was getting matches left and right not to toot my own horn or anything.

They were mainly for hook ups but I did have some cool conversations with some of them. Even added them on social media .

But since I’m looking for love and I was not seeing a hint of that I had to let it go. I don’t think I believe in apps for relationships anymore. I don’t think I ever did I just really wanted it to happen. And it didn’t so my theory was proven right.

I always felt like dating through apps was too mechanical. As if you are trying too hard to find love. Love is supposed to happen just because right? Not on some app with some stranger that just happened to swipe right because he was like “eh he ok.”

So now I’m open to what ever. A friend says they have someone in mind for me , show me. If we happen to cross each other’s path then so be it. But I’m just really tired of trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

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Say Goodbye To Your Little Friend

Ok y’all, we need to talk about something NSFW. It’s about dick pics. Yes, the unsettling picture of a males genitals in full screen on your phone.

Never did I think I was going to be the victim of such a disgusting fad. But seeing as I had downloaded some dating apps it’s a wonder why I am so shocked that I have.

So that guy that I was supposed to see on Saturday (who mysteriously lost his phone for like 4 days) sent me a good morning picture or should I say a wood morning picture.

I open the picture in the hopes that he would apologize for not responding to me for like 84 years but no, god no. He thought that sending a picture of his little friend would make up for everything. Ew no, like, say goodbye to your little friend for me will ya? What kind of world are we living in where this is ok?

Ok yes I’m gay. Ok yes that is a physical part on a man that I am attracted to once in a while but NO I do not want to see that all up in my phone right when I wake up. I’m like we haven’t even met Dude. Buy me a coffee first or something. Excuse the pun but, how Cocky do you have to be to do that? Do you really think that your little guy is so extraordinary that you need people to see it as soon as they wake up?

I responded to him with “idk what I’m supposed to do with that,” and he responded with a smart ass dirty comment. At this point I’m almost done with dating. I can’t find a guy who will just say, “hey my name is Prince Charming and I liked your bio, we should have coffee.” Is that too much to ask?

Dating And Dying

So in the hopes of getting my love life back on the road I downloaded two apps. I know, not the ideal way of looking for love but what else is there to do? Clubs, eww. Bars, do people still do that? Just randomly? This ain’t no fucking movie.

I made my bio really bubbly and full of joy and humor. At least I thought it was funny.

Here’s what I wrote. ⬆️

I thought I was going to get a lot of messages but I think people are more superficial than interested in what I have to say. It’s a sad world we live in. On both apps I managed to actually keep in touch with 2 guys. They seem pretty normal and actually ask questions to get to know me and participate in a conversation.

Buuuuut, there is a third guy on one of the apps that’s really shady. Don’t get me wrong he’s like the total dream guy. He’s a bit older than me like…10 years, but, but, but, he’s really handsome has a good job and according to him he has an Olympic size pool. LOL

We talked all day and he seems pretty normal. He uses a lot of emojis for someone in his thirties. He invited me to his house this Saturday and I don’t know if I should go. One of my friends said I shouldn’t. She said I might die or get killed. I told her she’s way to dramatic. But she might be true.

He seems pretty cool. I added him on Snapchat just to see if he was actually who he said he was and he was. Although he sends old pictures like not through Snapchat just regular took 3 or 4 weeks ago pics which I find odd. I sent him a good morning picture with a dog filter and he responded with a written good morning. I asked him for a picture he said ok, but hasn’t responded.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he’s busy, just because I saw on his story that he was on a plane ride. Probably business related.

So many questions run through my mind though. What if he’s lying? What if he’s fake? A fraud? Only wants to hookup with a innocent young boy? What if I die?

Maybe I’ll tell him we should meet out in public right? That seems like the best alternative, you know, other than death.

Crush

Crushes. I hate them. I feel like they are childish. Even the word sounds a bit immature. At my age (23) I should not be getting these “crushes”. I should be building my relationships off of solid and concrete facts, not on “omg he’s so cute.”

So, there’s this guy at work, I never really had a crush on him before and I’ve known him for maybe a little over than a year now. But, as I have gotten to know him my thoughts about him have changed. He’s actually a really cool caring stand up guy.

We’ve gotten really close, and I’m not talking about like falling for each other close, I’m talking about “friends” close. He’s straight and I’m gay. He doesn’t know that I’m a flaming homosexual, only like 2 of my coworkers do. But that hasn’t stopped me from swooning over him ever time he smiles at me or stops me just to catch up.

Our relationship didn’t start to grow until he noticed I was real good friends which one girl he liked. He asked me for advice about how to get close with her and eventually ask her out. I thought, shit he’s actually straight. Because obviously I thought maybe he would out if no where come out.

But he didn’t, and even though it sounds stupid I loved talking to him and just being around him. It just annoyed me when we talked about that girl. She’s so pretty, she’s so cute, it was all blah.

The funny thing, is that when his crush went away from this girl because she was playing hard to get we started to get to know each other more. He would talk less about her and more about himself and also ask questions about me. I honestly thought maybe, just maybe, he could fall for me.

But no, he soon started talking about the girl once again. So now, here I’m left with all the good memories of our conversations. Hoping one day he’ll realize that I am everything he’s looking for.

But that’s highly unlikely to ever happen.

Crossroads

Sexuality has always been a big part of my life. Not because I'm a sexual man whore going around trying to get in everyone's pants. I mean in the way that I have always been trying to figure out who I am and what I like. Of course sexuality does not defy who you are, that's not what I'm saying, but nonetheless it's a huge part of what makes you, you.

So in the past and even until now I've always gone back and forth from being gay to straight and vice versa. I feel one way at one point in my life then I feel completely the opposite. I'm probably broken, or like missing a wire. I even came to believe that maybe I was pansexual and just fell in love with people's personalities.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. Well now that that's out let me go into further detail.

There's this girl at work on second shift, she's extremely beautiful. Way over my league, but for some crazy reason she likes me? She thinks I'm 'cute'. Which makes me laugh because I haven't been called that since I was in my late teens.

So the problem is this; should I go on with the flirting? Should I go along with the texts? The smiley faces? Should I spend time getting to know her? What if this ends all bad? What if in the end I truly don't like her? I don't want to lead her on just because someone has finally should the slightest interest in me.

On the other side of the coin there's the possibility of actually falling in love. Of actually having some one who understands and likes to be around me. An actual relationship. With like two people. LoL. Am I that desperate for affection? For attention? Is it shallow? I have no clue. I've dated both girls and guys and I have had feelings for both so maybe in the end I'm just bisexual?

You know what? I'm not going to label it. Because in the end we are all people and love is love. I can't chose who I fall in love with. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't we'll that's because it's wasn't meant to be. I'm young and I have to start taking risks.