What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

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Friendless Friday Night

I sit on my bed while I listen to soft R&B music. My mother is in her room tired from the walk we took earlier. I’ve taken two shots of vodka from one of the four bottles I hide in my closet. They’ve been collecting dust ever since I stopped clubbing and going out to parties. Today I figured I’d do some lite dusting.

Three months ago I bought a ticket for a rave (music EDM festival). Four hours ago I drove one of my best friends along with one of his friends with the ticket I had purchased for myself. Only I didn’t go in with my ticket. His friend did.

After having a huge fight with the friend who invited me to the rave we broke up the friendship and I was set to go alone. But my other friend swooped in and bought a ticket to go with me. Then my moms surgery came out of the blue and there was no way I’d leave her alone. So I gave my ticket to him to invite someone so he wouldn’t go alone.

Things change so much in such a short period of time. I really wish I could have gone. It would have been a blast. But maybe there will be a next time. Or maybe there won’t be. Who knows.

So many things have happened this year and it’s not even the end yet. I used to have a boring life and I thought I hated it. Now I cherish those endless nights of boredom. Those friendless Friday nights.

But at the same time I am also thank full for experiencing it all.


Last Wednesday I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We had a long four hour talk. She’s doing well, I’m doing ok. Life moves on weather you are in or out of people’s life’s.

I told her how I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality. Am I gay? That’s what I thought my whole life. Am I bi? I’ve fallen for the prettiest girl in my eyes. It’s another who knows situation. But maybe we’ll find out soon.

Now, I’ll get comfortable in my bed as I take my last shot of the night and sleep a good nights sleep and wake up for what ever life has in store for me for the rest of the year.

Gray Areas

Is it possible for a man who has in the past and present presented himself and or classifies as gay to catch feelings for a female?

This question has been at the top of my head for over a month now. And even though I have been dating men for a while now and I do find them attractive and I classify myself as a gay man, I have built up feelings for one of my friends who is a female.

Long story short, I’m in a wedding this upcoming weekend and I will be dancing for the bride and groom. They partnered me with someone I’ve known only by face and namely my church. Obviously when you have someone so close to you and spend hours practicing you get to know them.

Not many people know this but my first love was actually a female. Also a childhood friend. I wanted to be with her, talk to her, hold her hand, hold her in my arms, and kiss her. But yet here I am classifying myself as a gay. My biggest question is what am I?

Here I am again, getting to know this wonderful girl, who has a huge heart and a beautiful smile. I talk to her everyday and it comes so naturally. All these years I walk around thinking I like guys and guys only. Then again I’ve been taught to grow up and marry a woman, so that also makes me overthink these feelings.

Do I like her because I was taught to? Or do I really like her? What do I classify as? Am I gay? Am I bisexual? One of my friends said I might be pansexual. Could that be so? Am I attracted to personality above the physical or gender? How can I be so sure that I am one thing and not the other?

Why do we even have to be labeled in these boxes? Why do we have to identify as anything? Why can we not just like what we like and not feel bad about it?

I know people have so many options over gender identification and sexuality. And I know they want it all to be black and white. But it’s not, it’s really not. There are so many gray areas. It’s not just you’re a guy you like girls or you’re girl you like guys or guys with guys and girls with girls, love is love is it not? Love sees no gender? Love is not about sex, it’s about who you love, who you want to spend your time with, and the rest of your life with.

I Hate How Some Gays Act Like Girls

Date from hell.

That’s the only way I can describe the date I went to this past Friday night. No, nothing really happened in the aspect of weird scenarios, but the fact that the guy was just so closed minded and difficult make me cringe just at the thought of remembering it.

I had been talking to him for a little over two weeks and he seemed like a really nice person. But messaging someone is so different from actually talking to them face to face. I was excited to meet him, I really liked him and he was actually pretty cute.

All of those perceptions of him changed once he started opening his mouth. I picked him up because he doesn’t drive (that’s like a bad start already). He had me waiting an hour because he wasn’t even ready. We were going hiking, what did he need to get ready for? It’s just a hiking.

We ate pizza and he paid for it saying he was sorry he made me wait a while. He told me that his nephew had just lost his cat and he didn’t want to leave him alone. Yet his mom was there to take care of him.

Anyway, meanwhile on the way to the hike, it starts going south and that’s when I got that guy feeling that I wasn’t going to like him. I’m not sure what started it all but he came out saying he didn’t like drag queens. He said he respects them but he doesn’t understand them or know why they have to do what they do. Ok I let that one slide. Some people just don’t like the things you do and that’s ok we can all be different.

But then he says he doesn’t classify with the gay community and he doesn’t think they have helped him in any way, shape, or form. Now, I’m not a crazy gay community fanatic. I’m not waiving my rainbow flag in your face or shoving my rights down your throat, but I do appreciate what te gay community has done for me.

Because of the gay community I am more accepted by others, I have the choice to get married if I wanted to, and even though there still is discrimination there is way less than how it used to be. I am more free because of the gay community. Because of their protects, because of their parades and exposure people have grown to accept the gay community. Sure not everything is represented accurately but I’m not gonna sit here and deny that they have helped me.

He also said he doesn’t want to be a cliche. Ok, sure that’s understandable. But if you follow that up with “I hate how some gays act like girls, if I wanted to be with a girl I’d date a girl.” You fall in that category of gays who hate other gays.

I understand we all have our likes and dislikes, like I said before that’s great that’s fine, we are all different. But why does hate have to come into play? Why do you have to broadcast it in such a way that makes you sound like you’re putting them down?

To make matters worse, while hiking he says he was straight before and he had crushes on girls but they never paid attention to him so now that’s why he’s gay. *insert face slap emoji here* This dude either has issues with his sexually or just flat out does not want to be gay. Something must have happened in his life to make his views on being gay so terrible.

Don’t get me wrong, I myself for the longest time denied to be gay. But I wasn’t out there telling the world I was straight. I always tell people I wanted to be straight. But there was never one point in my life wheee I actually felt straight.

Through our time that we had been in communication he had told me that guys never return his calls or never want to go in a second date with him. I didn’t understand that because he was a nice looking guy. He seemed sweet, but he’s rotten form the inside with his closed up mind and thoughts.

Three Dates One Week

I went on a date yesterday. No, not a dinner or anything fancy but it was nice. I met this guy like I do most guys online, talk to him and add him on my social media. I basically have to figure out if it’s safe or not to meet him. I want to have fun but I don’t want to die.

The plan was to meet up at Jack in the box and eat, I’m a cheap date honestly. But that didn’t work out so I just met up at his work. Speaking of his work he’s the one that got my brother the job at the same place he works at. So I felt like I kind of owed him a date. Sounds bad but I had a good time.

I honestly thought I was only going to to see him once, but I’ll be seeing him again today, he has a really nice smile and I kind of actually liked him. I’m not gonna say that I fell for him because I didn’t. I just like looking at his face. (LoL).

Tomorrow I have another date with another guy I’ve been talking to. He seems really cute but for some reason he swears every guy he meets blows him off and never speaks to him again. I want to know why. Not that it matters much but he’s not fat, he’s really sweet, and he’s cute. Why would guys run from that? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

Saturday I have another brunch/movie date with the guy I met (sexually drunkenly made out with) at the club a while back. I have a feeling he’s going to cancel for some reason , he’s cute too but I would mind. These threes dates I’m under a week can get to me. Plus I have a lot of stuff to do in between all this dating.

I honestly don’t know what I want. To have fun? Be in a relationship? Am I ready to fall in love again? How will my life change if any of these guys are actually worth it? Either way im swimming in the ocean and seeing what’s good.