It’s so easy to say. But it’s so hard to just say so with that being said I’m going to move on. Impossible, your heart wants what it wants even when it’s so wrong.
Let me elaborate.
Maybe about two months or so ago I downloaded an app called Whisper, it’s an application where you can post a picture with a quote on it. The quote can be anything you want it to be.
I mainly used the app for expression. Some assholes always just wanted to trade naked pics. It was such a drag. So then I wondered, what if there is some out there? Someone in my situation?
What did I do? I posted about what I was going through to see if anyone would see it. Someone did. It was shady at first because how can some be exactly like me? I felt alone in this world and now here there was a guy telling me he felt the same way.
We messaged each other for ever and once he sent me a picture of what he looked like I was hooked. Plus, him complimenting my looks was such a nice boost of self esteem for me. I don’t get that often and it’s nice when I do.
Talking and talking led to me asking him to move the convos over to a more personal way of communication for us millennials, Snapchat.
Once we started talking he said, “full disclosure, I’m married.”
My heart broke in two pieces. How could he have just done that to me? Make me believe that he liked me and I was warming up to him, and then drop a bomb like that? What about her? Yes her.
Turns out he’s “bisexual.” Now my brain is so confused. I found a guy who understands exactly what i am going through. And he really likes me. But the whole situation is insane.
What do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Is he confused and just wants to use me to spend the time? He hasn’t been inappropriate. What are his intentions? I mean he did tell me straight up that he was married. Not straight straight up because he did wait some time but still.
I told my friend that this past weekend while we were on the beach. I was a little hoe at the end of last year only having one night stands here and there. It was fun I I’m not going to sit here and lie, but dating is different.
First of al there’s food involved. You get to eat out and chill. Plus, sometimes you get to try new things. You get to see things and experience them in different ways. Also, getting to know someone for the first time is always great. It’s like reading a new book.
At the end of the day you don’t have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. Sure, it’s always fun and if they want to stick around for a while that’s cool to. I’m just saying having someone to hold or just be held is really comforting for me, and I’m not a handsy person.
Yes, maybe I’m lonely, or sure, maybe I’m just jealous of what I see other people have. But that makes it ok not to want those things? I think not. Then there is the underlying question. What is it that I want in a relationship?
Its pretty simple actually. All I need is attention. I don’t need you to take me to an expensive. I don’t need you to take me to a private island or buy me things. I don’t even need you to shoe off for me. Sure, those things are nice but do I want them or need them? No. All I want is attention.
I want you to call me, text me, ask me how my day is. I want you to invite me over and talk to me. I want to know how your day was, what you want to do in the future. I want to know your opinions, what makes you laugh and cry.
I want to be able to sit in silence with you and not feel awkward. I want to breathe the same air that you breathe and feel like we are one person.
Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself but I think you get the picture.
Who do you call when you are at the end of your rope? What do you do when there is no one to call, because everyone is against you? Or so you feel that way.
Your best friend is supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Sometimes your best friend knows more about you than your own family does. Why? Because you tell them all your secrets. You tell them what you like, you even tell them what and who you hate.
They get to know you like the back of their hand. No, better, they get to know you sometimes better than they know themselves. You let them in your world and for a split second it’s bliss. It’s like a magical wonderland of infinite adventures. You want to spend every waking moment with them, you want to tell them everything.
But what happens when your at your lowest? When you need them? When your about to make the worst mistake of your life and they aren’t anywhere in sight?
What if they tell you that they want to be your friend, but they don’t want the responsibility of being there when you need them? Because they’re scared. Because they wouldn’t know what to do. Because it’s just too much for them to handle.
Maybe I’m too needy? Maybe I’m too pushy? But if I give you my heart and soul I expect that in return or else I become cold. I leave. I get distant. Don’t ask why. Don’t say goodbye. You knew this was going to happen. You saw it coming like reading from a book. But you won’t read the end because your to afraid of what I’ll do. Of what we will become. Of what we have become.
I’m sitting in a fast food restaurant I used to work at and despise. Now I’m calming eating and munching on the chicken sandwich like it was the best thing I’ve ever had.
I was supposed to meet up with a friend here to go watch a movie. She said it was way to cold and her bed was way to comfortable. So she didn’t arrive. I told her I’m going to watch this movie with or without you. She told me I was bold.
Am I? Has there never been a person that has entered a movie theater alone to see a movie? I know it sounds pathetic and the old me would have probably never thought of such a thing.
But I’m tired. Tired of people canceling on me and ruining the fun. Who said I absolutely need someone by my side 24/7? I don’t. (Don’t tell my anxiety).
If if I have to go through this life alone but do the things I want and make myself happy, then so be it. I have to stop depending on others for happiness. Because at the end of the day, I’m the only one I can trust.
More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.
The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.
I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.
All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?
I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.
I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.
We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.
So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.