Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.
I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.
So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.
I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.
I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.
So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.
But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.
The next day he messaged me;
“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.
We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?
What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.
Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.
Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.
We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.
Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.
I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.
I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.
I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.
Last week I went to a birthday party. One of my friends said it was going to be small but it wasn’t. Nothing but small. I saw people from high school, people I didn’t know, and people from my old job. Some people sure I was happy to see and reconnect with but forgets I didn’t even turn on their direction.
That’s not the point though. The point is that’s there was alcohol and shit hit the fan. I was hanging out with a couple of my favorite friends, or the usual group I hang out with. Yes, we were drinking and there were shots and mixed drinks and all that fun stuff to pass the time. For me as long as you having fun and not causing trouble sure drink up.
But then, there always has to be a but then doesn’t there? Well, one of my friends and I went it the bathroom. Lest call her Mona. Mona and I were in the bathroom when we got a text from Jenna (yeah we’ll call my other friend Jenna). She was informing us that our other friends (married couple) were arguing and fighting and that we should come back. So we hurried up and went back and sure enough they were.
The wife was crying while pushing away from her husband and we were just there trying to walk to our seats through the thick awkwardness. We had never seen them like that. They had always been that couple that wouldn’t stop showing how in love they were. And now? They were that couple that gets drunk and fights at parties.
We decided it was time to leave. So we left and we left hungry. We pulled up to a McDonald’s and ordered food. I was with the husband and the girls had gone in another car. When the husband went to the other car he left behind a bottle of vodka he had stolen from the party. Not only that, he started to piss behind my other friends car. His wife surely felt really embarrassed.
We got our food and sat outside our cares in the parking lot once again. This time he started through it all his trash on the floor and around the parking lot. I had to clean it all up just so they wouldn’t call the cops on us. He thought it was the most hilarious thing on the planet. That’s when I called it a night.
Anyways now knowing this mini back story, let me inform you that I’ll be going tot the beach for my birthday this Friday. The same friends were going. I told them I don’t want alcohol at the beach because things might get out of hand. They were all fine with it. Then he said he’d take his stash. No I don’t want weed there either. So then he was kind of upset but he still said that it was ok.
The next day he texted everyone in the group text that he wanted mimosas. I clearly told him no alcohol. Why was he asking again? Was this a joke to him? I had a gut feeling that if I didn’t tell him something he would smuggle in some drinks and pull them out later and there would be nothing I could do at that point.
So I texted him that if he couldn’t handle not having alcohol at the beach then maybe he shouldn’t go. Superarlo he took that in the worst way possible and left our group chat and also removed me from all social media.
So when something doesn’t go your way you just block them out of your life? That’s real mature dude.
That’s enough drama for now. But there will be more.
It’s a new year and its time for the whole New Year New Me bullshit. This is not the case for me though, I shall remain the same old me that I have always been. why would I change? I mean yes, I do have many many flaws but why do I have to change them for others when they wont change theirs for me?
Yesterday I took the day off from both jobs to go to Six Flags. I love that amusement park so much. There’s just something about being viciously thrown from side to side while moving at high speeds more than ten stories in the air just makes me feel like I am alive. I have to be honest, some of those rides don’t even do it for me any more. I guess you could say I am kind of an extremest.
I don’t know if I mentioned it before on here but one if not my only friend and I started a journal together. There I will as well as he will write down our daily things that we do throughout our lives. I think it’s a great idea for the moment. He will get to see what I really think, I wont hold back anything, well the fact that im gay maybe but that’s all.
The only thing that will change this year will probably be me quitting alcohol. I have seen how this liquid has ruined many people’s life. It has even put me in some bad places before, and seeing as how friendly I was becoming with it, I needed to stop while I was ahead.
At my second job, the call center, I told them I needed fewer hours, which they granted me by only giving me Fridays and the weekends to work which is perfect. I think at my first job it will slow down, not sure how that will reflect on my bank account.
Speaking of my back account. I was robbed of 260 dollars at Bed Bath and Beyond. I was checking my transactions from yesterday and noticed that one. I was nowhere near the store so I had to call immediately to place a claim and have the current card canceled before those robbers decide they might need more bath bombs or smoothing and soothing lotion for their nice soft criminal hands.
So that’s the start of 2018, still sacred but still moving on along while I have a breath to breathe.
This past Monday I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain. For all you oldies or people that only read books, it’s an amusement park with extreme rides. I had a blast and I really enjoyed my time there. You think that time would fly by but it actually didn’t. It dragged on and it felt great. I actually never felt that way. And if I had, it has been a real long since i can’t remember.
I thought it was going to be packed and the lines were going to be long but it was the total opposite. The most we waited was 25 minutes and that was only because it was the last ride of the day and everyone was getting on it.
I went with my best friend. Yes, best friend. I consider him my best best friend now. We have been getting real close lately. I have been more open with him and so has he. Told him I’m gay? No. I don’t think we are there yet. I don’t think we will ever get there. But he never asks so maybe he knows already? Wouldn’t that be swell.
When I came back to real life on Tuesday I had vacation sickness . Like you know when you are away from home and you miss home, so you’re homesick. So I came back from a mini day-cation. So I was day-cationsick. Which sucked because I really just wanted to be happy but coming back it’s like uuuuhhhhg you know?
But it’s been slowly fading. I’m just now coming back down from the high of excitement I was on. That’s the thing with me. I can be so high and then come crashing down all at once or stay up there for the longest time so then when I do come down it’s just terrible.
In other news I might quit my call center job. It has me stressed. Although I have been liking the expensive life, that might need to stop though.