Old Wounds

Friendships are one of the hardest things to explain.

If someone asked you, how do you define friendship? What would you say? Depending on your age there would be a variety of answers. Some definitions would be very common. Sometimes friendship, or your definition of friendship might depend on the person whom you are friends with.

The only way I can describe friendship is, hard. For me it’s not an easy thing. It’s not something I can do naturally without thinking. Sure, I am nice to everyone and of course I am always there for my friends. But, sometimes its just not about you. It’s about everyone else, or in this case your friend.

Forgiveness is a big part of friendship. It is something that can either make or break your friendship. Everyone, and I do mean everyone will make mistakes in their life, including you and your friends. Sometimes those mistakes can ruin everything, but only if you let them.

I have a friend I almost lost. I asked him to be there for me when I was at my worst. I didn’t see that he himself also needed help. He was stressed and over whelmed and I was over here trying to add more weight to his shoulders? I don’t blame him for not being able to find the correct words to say to me in my time of need. He himself did not know how to manage his own demons.

Do I forgive him? I do now. At first, I wondered how could someone forgive another person after letting them know what they were feeling and that person not help? But did I really tell him how I felt? No. I never said anything. So, who really is in the wrong?

But time really does heal old wounds. This year has taught me many things about friendship. It’s one of the most best feelings in the world as well as the worst pain someone can have. There’s love and hate, but though and through love prevails.

I asked myself, am I really going to let my friendship end all because I can’t forgive and let go? Am I really going to hold a grudge all my life for something so little? Be this petty?

Friendship to me is forgiveness.

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Forgiving Friend

Friends can be a blessing, but sometimes they can be a curse.

I came out to a friend a while ago. He took it pretty well. Said he didn’t see me any differently. I appreciate that of him.

But then, all of the sudden he started getting busy. Not having enough time to hang out with me and when he wasn’t doing anything he would just do nothing. He would suggest we go out, or hang out at home. All I needed was quality time together.

Then he started to be shady. I hate shady. He began being indirect. One word answers. So I did what I usually do when I’m frustrated. I started to ignore him.

I pushed him away thinking he would stop me. I stopped talking to him completely.

Why he did surprised me. He came to my house. And told me that we needed to fix this. I told him how he let me down. How I feel like he would be different. How I feel like I’m carrying this friendship on my back.

In the end he apologized and I as the forgiving friend that I am forgave him. Will things change? I have no clue. But I am hopeful. I want them to. I want him to participate more on us.

It would be nice if he changed. But then again I shouldn’t try to change him. But he needs to understand that I have him everything of me , and I except that in return.

There’s Nothing Left Here To Fight For

Emotions.

I am full of emotions. I love emotions. Feelings.

I think a lot. Some times it’s about good things and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it’s about how people make me feel. Usually it’s about how bad they make me feel. Rejection.

Right now my best friend, the one that I consider to be the closest to, is being as regular teens would call it a little bitch.

I don’t usually like to l say words like that on here because I try to be more professional but it’s driving me crazy.

Today I came to an amusement park with him, and it usually is great, I have the time of my life with him here. Today is not one of those days. On the car ride here, he was on his phone the whole time. Why?

While in line to go on rides he was on his phone the whole time as well. Specifically texting. Who is he texting? Why is he texting them? Am I that boring that he has to be texting someone else? I thought the whole point in hanging out and having fun is to have each other’s company? Why does he need to talk to someone else?

If I let him know that bothers me he’s going to think I’m too controlling, which in part I am. Or he’ll say something cheesy like, but I’m here with you and spending time with you, who cars if I’m talking to them.

I do. I demand attention. Was I on my phone the whole day? No, I ignored and still ignore everyone to give you my full attention. Yet, you don’t care enough to try to make conversation with me ? Like, all of my other friends wouldn’t have their phone out, they wouldn’t be talking to other people. They would divide their attention throughout the group that is present.

But why? I ask. Why did he do that? I was quite for some time. Not speaking much. Just giving random words here and there but not actually in the conversation. I wonder if he noticed? I wonder if he cared? Maybe he thought I was just being my blue self .

Either, he made me feel unimportant. Like he doesn’t care about our friendship. Like there isn’t even an us.

My heart hurts at the thought that our friendship has gone off the rails. That it’s all over. The flames have been put out. And there’s nothing left here to fight for.

Social Media

Is social media ruining friendships? Or in the contrary, is it helping friends get closer to each other?

My over all verdict is going to have to be that you can decide which way it will go. Social media has given us the gift of being somewhere with someone, but not actually or to be more literal, physically been there with them.

This in its own sense can be good just as it can be evil thing. You can be enjoying the beauty of nature from home through your eyes of your friends pictures. You can be at the ocean while your furnace warms up your cabin in the mid west on a cold winters day.

I know it’s not the same thing as actually bing where the picture or video was taken. But don’t you feel like your there? Or at least feel the sand in your feet, or the smell of trees , and been the wind blowing in your hair.

Then again, you can also know the exact location of your friend. Or honestly really anyone. If they allow you to see their mobile location, you can pin point where they are with an almost exact precision.

This last one has ruined my life. I think a lot. I am one of those people who asks themselves every possible question that really has no answer because they are foolish questions.

Why are they there? Who are they with? Why didn’t I get invited? Then once these questions don’t get answered, they are followed by deeper ones. Maybe they don’t want to be around me? Maybe they became bored of me? Is this their way of saying goodbye?

Social media. Good or evil?

Trust

I didn’t do it.

I was too scared. My whole life is in that email. To just give it away like that. It was just too much for me. I decided that I’ll put it somewhere safe and if he ever decides to want to read it I’ll hand it over.

But why am I just going to spill my soul when he won’t? I know there needs to be trust in friendships but this goes way deeper . It’s all my secrets . I don’t want to overwhelm him with everything if all he has to say is one little mistake he made.

This morning when I woke up I decided that in the notebook that we share, I’ll be writing things he doesn’t know about slowly building my way up to what I have to tell him. It’s not for him to tell me his secrets it’s just for him to see how much I trust him.