Trust

I didn’t do it.

I was too scared. My whole life is in that email. To just give it away like that. It was just too much for me. I decided that I’ll put it somewhere safe and if he ever decides to want to read it I’ll hand it over.

But why am I just going to spill my soul when he won’t? I know there needs to be trust in friendships but this goes way deeper . It’s all my secrets . I don’t want to overwhelm him with everything if all he has to say is one little mistake he made.

This morning when I woke up I decided that in the notebook that we share, I’ll be writing things he doesn’t know about slowly building my way up to what I have to tell him. It’s not for him to tell me his secrets it’s just for him to see how much I trust him.

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Connected Little Lies

Something happened between one of my friends and I. Yesterday we went to Six Flags yet again and it was such a good day. The ride home was the issue. He was upset that he didn’t win anything on the games that are sort of made up like carnival games. And he was holding on to that feeling the whole drive home.

 

I tried to cheer him up I really did, but nothing seemed to work. Some how we ended up in my kitchen talking about secrets. I told him I had a secret and he told me he had one too. The thing is that I don’t just have one. I have many, or really one big one that spreads out to many little one, they are all connected little lies.

 

He said he wouldn’t be able to tell me his because then I would look at him a different way. But now know he’s hiding something from me so big it bugs me even more. I want to know I do, but then at the same time I really don’t. And then there is the possibility that what ever he is withholding isn’t that huge. Maybe its only in his head?

 

My secret of course is that I’m gay. What is his? How could his be any worse than mine? He said that if I guessed and guessed right he would explain in further detail but if i didn’t then we would just have to move one. But how do you move on from something like this? Nonetheless, how do you try to guess someones secret? It is a secret that’s why you don’t know.

 

I made up my mind that i would just tell him and have him decide what he wants to do. Tell me his secret or what ever he wants to do. I wrote an email to my first and only girlfriend when we broke up telling her why we did, and it did break her heart a little more but she was happy that I had told her.

 

Now in this situation I don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t want to see him distance himself from me. Too many people have done that to me and to have one more do that? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Plus this email that I have has some information I have never spoken out loud to anyone. He could drown me with this information. Will he? What do I do? Do I finally come out? Do I finally tell him all the truth? What will he say? What will he do? Will we still be friends in the end?

High

This past Monday I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain. For all you oldies or people that only read books, it’s an amusement park with extreme rides. I had a blast and I really enjoyed my time there. You think that time would fly by but it actually didn’t. It dragged on and it felt great. I actually never felt that way. And if I had, it has been a real long since i can’t remember.

I thought it was going to be packed and the lines were going to be long but it was the total opposite. The most we waited was 25 minutes and that was only because it was the last ride of the day and everyone was getting on it.

I went with my best friend. Yes, best friend. I consider him my best best friend now. We have been getting real close lately. I have been more open with him and so has he. Told him I’m gay? No. I don’t think we are there yet. I don’t think we will ever get there. But he never asks so maybe he knows already? Wouldn’t that be swell.

When I came back to real life on Tuesday I had vacation sickness . Like you know when you are away from home and you miss home, so you’re homesick. So I came back from a mini day-cation. So I was day-cationsick. Which sucked because I really just wanted to be happy but coming back it’s like uuuuhhhhg you know?

But it’s been slowly fading. I’m just now coming back down from the high of excitement I was on. That’s the thing with me. I can be so high and then come crashing down all at once or stay up there for the longest time so then when I do come down it’s just terrible.

In other news I might quit my call center job. It has me stressed. Although I have been liking the expensive life, that might need to stop though.

Anyway that’s that.

Learn How To Give

I know many people. I’m close to a lot of them but I consider very few my actual friends. They are more like very close acquaintances. People that I talk to constantly but have no trust in.

There is one friend though who is closer than the rest. She’s really cool. When I was going through all my shit and also my moms breast cancers she was there to get me through it. Out of all the people that I pushed away she would always try to get a hold of me.

That’s what I appreciated the most. I went through a dark phase where I told everyone that I didn’t want them around when I was hopping they would say no were her for you and we’re not going anywhere. But they didn’t. Only she did, and that made me see a lot of things a lot clearer.

Even now that I communicate with all my friends and our relationship is better than before she is still the one I talk to on a daily basis. Recently she’s been going through a lot. She doesn’t have a job currently and I fell terrible for her because I was in her shoes once.

We went out to eat last Wednesday and I lent her some money to get her by. She was one her way to an interview and it’s looking like she’s going to get it. I hope she does. She is a good person and deserves more than what life is giving to her.

But that’s what this post is more about. Giving. We need more of that. When people need help we need to start learning how to give. There is to much going on now a days that we need to come together. Plus, you never know when you will be in that situation that will need the help.

It does not have to be money. I know most people automatically say I don’t have any money or resources. That’s not the only way we can help. Just being there for someone, listen to them, hear them out, help them with anything that they might need. We are only hurting ourselves by making enemies, we not come together and work as a team?

My Friend

I have a friend, he’s been going though a lot lately. He’s been up to so much and he feels like he’s running in a race and everything is moving so fast he just can’t keep up. This friend a good person, at least to my understanding. He has done no wrong and no harm to anyone.

This friend told me what he’s going through. He said that he loves his job, he loves his family, his friends are cool. But life is just not treating him fairly. I asked him why he felt that way when everything seemed to be going well for him. He just said that seemed was the word to stand out in that sentence.

I told this friend to let it all out. He said he couldn’t. He said his friends wouldn’t know how to help him. He said his friends love him but wouldn’t understand what’s going on. He also told me he doesn’t want to make everyone feel down about his problems when they also have problems.

My friend told me he loves his family, and that’s why he’s working two jobs. He wants to save up for the rainy day that he knows is in its way. I told him to breathe and take it easy. He said he did, but that didn’t really help much. I asked him to tell me the honest truth, he did, and it scared me.

I told him that everything should get better, that it didn’t have to stay that way, he told me he doesn’t see it happening. I reminded him of all the good things he’s done and the things he has overcome, he agreed that those things have made him stronger but yet those things have also warn him done a bit.

I talked to him since our last chat. He sounds better. I asked him what changed? He said he didn’t know. He just felt different. Could it be something isn’t ok with him? Could it be he has some sort of disorder? I didn’t ask him but the way I looked at him he new what I was thinking.

As I pressed my hand on the bathroom mirror I looked into my friends eyes and told him with all sincerity that everything was going to be ok.