The Way Of The World

Two years ago I decided to leave behind my sinful ways and abide by my religion completely. I was committed, I was strong, and I cut everyone from my life who did not believe the same things I did. I lived a more biblical life.

Because I did it that way it soon failed and I returned to what we call the way of the world. I was also living a double life. Why? Because I love both of them so much. Friends from church just as well friends that had no connection to the church.

A few months ago a friend asked me what I was going I do. Eventually I had to chose one life more than the other . At the time I was nieve. I was full of myself and I thought that I could do both. But that’s not the way life works. And if you try it, it’s a nasty fall, both sides would have ended up hating me.

Until recently I had an epiphany. Religion will always be a part of me. Weather I like it or not. Not because anyone is forcing me, but because it’s in my heart and I love it subconsciously. I knew this for a fact when I found myself conversing and debating biblical facts with a friend.

He was trying to say something that I knew from experience wasn’t true. He had a miss understanding. But I thought I was out there hating religion, why was I right there and then defending it? Because I care for it. And I will always have an inclination towards it.

I told my friends what I was thinking. I had an overwhelming well response. They all told me they support me. They will love me no matter what I do and chose. That’s how I knew I had real friends.

This is a new journey. I’m scared that my past will haunt me, but I will own it and move along.

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Big Ball Of A Mess

The beach is a relaxing place for me. When I think of the beach I think warm sand, soft breeze, nice sound of the waves touching the shore, and the sunlight shining from above like a ray of hope.

That’s exactly how I felt yesterday. I’ve been living my life really fast lately and I needed to take a break. Going to the beach and not working about anything or anyone really felt great.

A lot of things are piling up on me. For example, my dating life, I’m talking to all these guys and I can’t chose one because they aren’t what I want. My friends, I’m trying to divide my time between all of them yet none of them want to hang out with each other. And not to mention my moms upcoming reconstruction surgery for her breast cancer. Let alone me being and dancing in a wedding. It’s all a big ball of a mess.

That’s why I needed yesterday, and I got it. I headed to Malibu with my brother, mother, and two of my church friends. One of my friends I have been estranged with for the longest time. I actually wrote him a letter on this blog. We because close told him I was gay and then he vanished from my life.

But now, it seems he wants to be back in it. When I got home after dropping him off he sent me a text saying how sorry he was that he let our friendship die. That because of his stubbornness he wouldn’t let himself talk to me or be around me. He also said how he’d like to go back to where we used to be. I’m not gonna lie, this made my heart dance insanely.

He was there for me through all of my moms stages going into the beginning of her Breast cancer like no one else was. He stayed at the hospital with me the day of the first surgery. He was a good friend. And I can not lie I want that friendship back myself.

One of the guys I dated would like a second chance. I told him we had very different views and we always clashed about something. He said how that was ok and he really liked me. I’m not sure what to do or say to him. He’s just not my cup of tea anymore, the problem is I give second chances as if they were handshakes.

Back to the beach though, at the end of the day, I’d say the last thirty minutes. I was swimming and the tides were growing in size. I was swimming like I was all day, or like I always do when I go to the beach. The only issue is that this wave came at me with an agenda. To take me down.

All I remember is being body slammed into the floor and my back giving out, I yelled under water out of pain and naturally water filled my lungs. I shot up to the surface trying to speak but couldn’t. That had never happened to me before. I ran out of the water and layer down. The water evacuated my body and that’s when I felt the pain in my back. I laid on the grown for a few minutes before returning to the water. The piercing coldness is the water felt great on my back and for a moment it was like I had never been assaulted by the ocean.

My back only started hurting once I was out again. Driving home was excruciating. Not to mention sleeping. I bought some patches to put on my back and they did help some. Now I’m sore. I didn’t go to work either. And today all that I have done is sleep. Which is good because I have been missing out on that for weeks.

Two of my friends made my day. One works at a pizza place and made a custom made pizza for me, and another at a Starbucks, who gave me a pumpkin spice frappuccino for free.

So I’m all, yesterday as much as today have been very relaxing days, and even though I semi broke my back, there’s always a bright side to everything. You just have to chose to see it.

Don’t Compare Me To Your Friends

Ok let’s rant shall we?

I had a totally different post planned for today but some events made me change my mind.

So I have this friend that has been there for me for a while now. I love her to death and I would do anything for her. I always forgave her when she canceled and stood me up. Plus, I would always listen to her problems and try my best to help her out. I truly cared for her. She was one of the people that really helped me get me out of my shell and explore and be more out there.

So I bought Escape tickets with her. It’s a rave type of concert for Halloween. I am very excited because I love Halloween! Plus music and good vibes, bring it in.

Today though. She was telling me all the things she’s planning which is cool. I really appreciate that. I do. I like to be ready for things, at the same time sometimes I like to just go for it. I know she’s been to raves and I know she has experience, but she’s being to much right now.

I told her something and she said that her boyfriends is that once and then she didn’t have a good time. Or other times I’ll say something and she’ll immediately say that her friends did that and that this happened. So, me, getting mad at her told her exactly don’t fucking compare me to your friends.

And it’s true she does that all the time. She replays all the scenarios that she’s ever had with her friends and puts me in there. First of all, I’m nothing like her other friends, second of all I’m a different person so the scenarios will be different. She finds that hard to understand.

She straight out came at me. Told me that I was being rude basically and that she has been there for me and blah blah, ok true that doesn’t give you authority over me though. Then she said that who ever I was hanging out with was now changing me.

Um no, I’m finally living a happy life and you’re going to come and tell me I’ve changed? Oh have I changed because I’m not doing what you want me to do? Because I’m not following over for you? Excuse me but Fuck You. That’s the old me, this is the new me. I’m doing me and I’m doing it well. Like, I love her to death but she has to wake up from her dream.

Animosity

Humans are really difficult.

 

We all have different ways of expressing our emotions and sometimes we don’t know how to decipher everyone else’s.

 

For instance there has been many times that I am left on read (for the older audience that means that I send someone a message and they do not reply, but yet they have seen the message), its not a good feeling and sometimes my mind wonders why they did that? Did they not want to talk to me? Are they tired of me? Do they even like me? None of these things are probably true but that is what my brain is trained to do because I have allowed it to .

 

Another example of how difficult humans can be is that sometimes they do things that you don’t even understand. Take for example my friends, about six of us were set on getting together yesterday to eat some sushi at this fancy place everyone is talking about. Did we? No. Why? Because 90% of them canceled , so it was only me and another friend.

 

Why they canceled last minute and decide it was ok, I have no clue. But this is where I get to my point, as complicated and as difficult as humans can sometimes be, is it up to us to judge or even get mad at why they do the things they do? Maybe they has a rough day and wish to not speak to any one, or maybe they just aren’t in the mood even if nothing did happened to them.

 

I forgave my friends for canceling, and I feel that we need a little more of that in this world. Every once in a while I hear, “well maybe if she wouldn’t have done that we would still be friends.” Ok, true, but maybe if you would have just forgiven her you guys would still be friends. (Depending on what she did to but I mean if you really want someone to stick around and they want to be there and ask for forgiveness why not give them a second chance?) There is so much animosity towards everyone today and it needs to stop.

Old Wounds

Friendships are one of the hardest things to explain.

If someone asked you, how do you define friendship? What would you say? Depending on your age there would be a variety of answers. Some definitions would be very common. Sometimes friendship, or your definition of friendship might depend on the person whom you are friends with.

The only way I can describe friendship is, hard. For me it’s not an easy thing. It’s not something I can do naturally without thinking. Sure, I am nice to everyone and of course I am always there for my friends. But, sometimes its just not about you. It’s about everyone else, or in this case your friend.

Forgiveness is a big part of friendship. It is something that can either make or break your friendship. Everyone, and I do mean everyone will make mistakes in their life, including you and your friends. Sometimes those mistakes can ruin everything, but only if you let them.

I have a friend I almost lost. I asked him to be there for me when I was at my worst. I didn’t see that he himself also needed help. He was stressed and over whelmed and I was over here trying to add more weight to his shoulders? I don’t blame him for not being able to find the correct words to say to me in my time of need. He himself did not know how to manage his own demons.

Do I forgive him? I do now. At first, I wondered how could someone forgive another person after letting them know what they were feeling and that person not help? But did I really tell him how I felt? No. I never said anything. So, who really is in the wrong?

But time really does heal old wounds. This year has taught me many things about friendship. It’s one of the most best feelings in the world as well as the worst pain someone can have. There’s love and hate, but though and through love prevails.

I asked myself, am I really going to let my friendship end all because I can’t forgive and let go? Am I really going to hold a grudge all my life for something so little? Be this petty?

Friendship to me is forgiveness.