Old Wounds

Friendships are one of the hardest things to explain.

If someone asked you, how do you define friendship? What would you say? Depending on your age there would be a variety of answers. Some definitions would be very common. Sometimes friendship, or your definition of friendship might depend on the person whom you are friends with.

The only way I can describe friendship is, hard. For me it’s not an easy thing. It’s not something I can do naturally without thinking. Sure, I am nice to everyone and of course I am always there for my friends. But, sometimes its just not about you. It’s about everyone else, or in this case your friend.

Forgiveness is a big part of friendship. It is something that can either make or break your friendship. Everyone, and I do mean everyone will make mistakes in their life, including you and your friends. Sometimes those mistakes can ruin everything, but only if you let them.

I have a friend I almost lost. I asked him to be there for me when I was at my worst. I didn’t see that he himself also needed help. He was stressed and over whelmed and I was over here trying to add more weight to his shoulders? I don’t blame him for not being able to find the correct words to say to me in my time of need. He himself did not know how to manage his own demons.

Do I forgive him? I do now. At first, I wondered how could someone forgive another person after letting them know what they were feeling and that person not help? But did I really tell him how I felt? No. I never said anything. So, who really is in the wrong?

But time really does heal old wounds. This year has taught me many things about friendship. It’s one of the most best feelings in the world as well as the worst pain someone can have. There’s love and hate, but though and through love prevails.

I asked myself, am I really going to let my friendship end all because I can’t forgive and let go? Am I really going to hold a grudge all my life for something so little? Be this petty?

Friendship to me is forgiveness.

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I Went Alone

Alone. No one wants to ever feel alone, or be left alone. Sure, there are times when you are in a room full of people and all you want for them is to just leave. I get that. But, even after a while by yourself, you will start feeling that feeling of wanting someone by your side. Or maybe you need the support and the extra courage you get when you are with someone else rather than when you are alone.

I was invited to this music festival a while back while I was walking my dogs. Some young girls maybe in their early twenties came up to my brother and I and gave us a flyer. It said ESCAPE on it. It only had the date, time, and address. So of course, it looked intriguing.

I was really looking forward to going. I told one of my friends that loves to go to raves, she said she would try but eventually she said she couldn’t make it. I was going to go with my brother originally but he said he didn’t want to go any more.

I went alone. I thought I was going to have fun, maybe meet new people and possibly make new friends. So I drove there but when I arrived it was a different story.

There were people there don’t get me wrong, it was only fifteen minutes into the festival. It was indoor, so I saw people walking in through the side door, I really wanted to go in. I just parked and stayed in my car. My social anxiety got the best of me once again.

It has been a while since I get anxiety like I got yesterday. I am usually open to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, but this time it was different. I just couldn’t muster up the courage to get out of my car and walk in there.

It surprised me, I have been more outspoken lately and more out there. So not being able to go to this alone was like a step back. Yes, life has been changing for me in the last couple of months, I lost a friend, my job is going through changes, and I have need stressed over my mom’s surgery. But I have always placed these things in the back of my head telling myself that everything is going to be ok.

Is it that my brain has fallen back again to my pessimistic ways? I won’t let that happen. The person I used to be was letting people walk all over me, that gave me such an awful life. Always sitting in the back seat, always waiting to be called. I can’t be like that, I have to break the mold. I will break the mold.

Let Go

I’m letting you go,

I’m setting you free

All this time all I wanted,

Was for you to be next to me

Never said goodbye

You always had to stray

So then you left

Because you never learned how to stay

Now you act like nothing

The burden is left on me

Like nothing has happened

Can you even see?

I miss you forever

Nevertheless let’s leave it alone

Although it’s better together

Let’s move on and just go

Memorial Day Weekend

This Memorial Day weekend was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while.

I had a mini road trip with two of my friends. It was planned two weeks prior to us going and everything seemed like it would go well. I told one of my friends to expect something to go wrong. We don’t live in a perfect word, there for the road trip wouldn’t be perfect, and something was bound to happen. Which it did.

It was a trip from California to Wyoming. We passed Nevada, Arizona, and Utah. While in Utah I was stopped by a cop for speeding. I thought great the first hurtle. It wasn’t even a big deal. The officer let us go with a warning and he was super nice.

Thinking I learned my lesson the first time I continued driving, but at the same pace as I was before. I was hyped, I was excited, and I was sleep deprived. We were on 15 hours of continuous driving. So of course I was speeding.

The second time I got pulled over was in Wyoming. We were so close to getting home and then all of a sudden shinning red and blue lights lit up my rear view mirror. Sure enough it was another cop.

This time he asked me to follow him to his car. He asked me to sit in the passenger seat while he looked up some of my information. I was so nervous, I thought for sure that something was gonna happen to me this second time.

But as luck would have it, he was so happy and talkative. He asked me questions about myself and where we were going. He said we should check out Mount Rushmore. He let me go off with another warning.

One of my friends was freaking out. She said no to many bad things are happening. This trip is bad.

I had to try to calm her down but she wouldn’t budge. Of course before getting pulled over the second time I kinda fell half asleep and drove off the road but nothing happened, that didn’t help the situation though.

Once we were forty minutes away from our destination we got a flat tire. It was the funniest thing.

I told one of my friends, this trip is like the journey of my life. Every obstacle and hurtle is in my way, but I still manage to get through it. I still manage to pick myself up and move along.

I like the way I’m looking at life right now. It makes me enjoy it more and I can relax. Life is a journey, we all have the same destination. Death. So just enjoy the way there, because the destination isn’t really that important.

Any who, we made it to my friends aunts house and stayed for 2 days. We were able to see Devils Tower. It has a pretty cool history to it.

We also saw Zion in Utah. And from there drive home. So over all this was a great road trip.

Second Place

Currently sitting in a hospital waiting room, my mom is getting some type of exam to see where her arteries are in her body for her up coming reconstruction Breast surgery.

She was told not to eat four hours before but she forgot so we had to wait an hour.

I left work four hours early. I was really bored but I had requested it already. Today is the day that one of the departments transferred to the new company. The people that are left are caring around a don’t care attitude.

The animosity with my friend has died down. I’m honest done fighting with him. He can go take a hike for all I care. Sure I really appreciate his friendship and al but I’m not gonna sit around and be a second place to anyone.

We’re still taking like normal, I told him I’d start over but a different start, because if we start over and get back to the place where we are now then there’s no point. So that’s what’s up, just a short up date.