She Deserves The World 

             The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow is my mothers surgery. How does she feel? How do I feel? It’s pretty much a conjunction of feelings all wrapped up into a ball, something along the lines of a rubber band ball. Remember those? 

             My mom is scared of going down. She’s afraid the doctors will put her under for too long and she might not come back. I try comforting her by telling her that the doctors know what they’re doing, but I’m not going to lie,  I’m hell of nervous as well. 

             We are getting a lot of support though. It’s nice to see what people who actually care about you will do for you. Our neighbors and our landlords are being very supportive. Some of my moms friends will also go with us tomorrow. Gabriel will be there. He insisted he wanted to go. I told him it was fine. 

I have been group chatting with Eli and Jenny on Snapchat. They have been sharing funny pics here na dthere in the efforts to make me happy or cheer me up. At least that’s what I feel, or take away from it. It’s nice if them. But they haven’t asked me about my mom which kind of bothers me. I gave them the date, they should at least say something supportive, even if it’s cheesy I’ll talked it at this point. But maybe they will tomorrow, who knows? 

             Right now I feel on both sides. I feel like everything will go fine. Then again, I feel that something will go wrong. Stupid doubt. I don’t really know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Nervous out of my mind, but I’m trying to keep the up most positive attitude. It’s draining to say the least. 

             It sucks that this is happing. I know, we might not deserve the world, but we most certainly do not deserve this. Especially my mother. She does actually deserve the world. Everyone we have told said that if they can’t go that they will keep us in their prayers. I appreciate that. I too will pray my heart out. 

The Big C

Journal,

     I don’t know what to feel or how. I know exactly how I should feel, sad. Maybe a little devastated. I should be on the floor hysterically crying asking “why?” Instead I feel a hole. Dark and cold. My brain scans all the possible answers to the why. I feel regret. I feel anger towards the time I have wasted. The precious moments I wasted doing things that were so worthless and now see that those moments I could have been there. I could have had more time. 

     I did cry. I can not put up a front and say I didn’t, that would make me heartless. I cried in private. To myself. I have to be strong.

“We have to be strong, we are going to be strong.” 

      My mom said when I came home. I knew she was getting check ups after check ups at the doctors. It never hit me until today. Yes, I always knew the possibility. But never assumed it to be true. Never imagined that the story would actually be played out this way. 

     We said we would be strong. But we know we are only humans. There is only so much we can take. 

      I ask myself why her? She is my everything. She has been a father, mother, friend, my conscience, and much more to me. She has such a big heart. She has done no harm to me. She hasn’t hurt anyone, made no enemies. She’s the reason I am what I am. Every kind and loving part my soul I have learned from her. She has taught me so much about caring and being a good person. 

     I’m not scared of death. I have never been. Death is death. Perhaps it’s because I have never seen it up close. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t blink twice. But her? I can’t picture that. What would my days be waking up with out seeing her face? How would I feel to come home and not have our afternoon talks ? What would I be when I can’t call her to ask her something? When I need her opinion? What will I turn into once I relized she’s not there to hold me when I’m hurt? To comfort me when I’m doubting? Who will guide me through this tough life? How will I be able to go on? What will be the purpose of life then? Of trying to stay alive? What will I live for? 

     Why am I making myself the victim ? Maybe I’m overreacting. Fuck you, if you think that’s the case. She’s my mother and if she’s gone nothing can replace her. Nothing can replace the way her voice sounds. Nothing will replace the way she knows how to make me feel better. Nothing will replace her love. 

     She can’t leave us yet. She won’t. We will get through this, I promise. 

3/15/2015

Get My Body Back

Oh boy Journal,

      These past days have gone by really fast, I haven’t even had time to write! (Or have I just been lazy?)  But nevertheless, last Friday was like any other Friday, the only difference was I got a company check this time, (not some crummy agency check). Plus I got an employee badge with my picture on it. Honestly I don’t know why that makes me so happy, but it does.

      Saturday was normal just as one is. I did go running with a friend. He really knows how to keep up for someone who doesn’t run on the regular. (Oh, by the way, I started running/jogging every day). I’m taking my health really seriously. Like those crazy healthy people who weirdly know how much calories are in every single edible thing (how do they do that? Let alone, why?)
healthy-meal
      We ran a good four miles that day and I felt really good. But once I was at home, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I fell off a cliff and rolled the four miles instead of ran. Sunday morning came around and wasn’t any nicer. I felt like my neck was as thin as a string and it was hard to keep it up. My feet hurt with every single step (even when they were carefully and strategically taken). I stayed in bed watching TV. I would doze off at times but then come up for air because I felt the “string” holding up my head was on the inside of my throat and it was getting more and more tighter as I breathed.

      Once I calmed down (drama queen), I drank some water and made some tea (fancy). Then I thought maybe a nice little bath would make my body fellt good. So I bought some Tylenol and some relaxing bath bubbles and went home to enjoy myself. That worked, while I was in it. But as soon as I got out I felt the same. Took one extra pill then feel asleep. Woke up maybe around three AM and decide just to stay up. I was just rolling in bed so thought that  was no good.

      I went to work and everything seemed fine. It hurts to swallow and the pain comes and goes. Once I got home my mom told me to go to the doctor before I go worse. Which I did (hesitantly). The Doc said its a respiratory virus. I should be good in some days if I just take care of myself and drink a lot of fluid and vitamins.

      He prescribed some cough syrup which kind of worked? I mean I haven’t coughed, so. I just want it to be over. I lost four pounds last week and I feel so motivated this week till this happened. I want to go back out there and hit it. Get my body back (Zac Efron). I’ve never been “slim” but I feel this will be the year or so help me I will drown myself in Ice cream and paddle my way as far away as I can with my barbecue chips as paddles straight out of human civilization. 
drowning-in-junk.jpg



3/6/17

Doctor Doctor Give Me The News!

I have some news for you Journal,

     Yesterday was my first visit to the Doctor in more than thirteen years and I have to say it was well over interesting. The woman who checked for my appointment and gave me a pamphlet was super nice. People that usually work customer service and its after three PM can tend to be rude from my experience but she was just full of sunshine.

     My Doctor is Chinese I think (don’t judge me). His accent was really thick and sometimes I didn’t really understand what he was saying so i just nodded. When I did feel what he was saying was important (which should have been every word) I would ask him to repeat himself. He was nice too, until he told me that I’m mildly obese. (I was like Bitch where).

     He said it continuously. I lost track of how many times he said it. I have to lose forty pounds according to him. I mean he did have a point. I do feel a little chunky. Although I wouldn’t consider myself fat, I could be better off with less weight. He just told me to exercise more often. I have been meaning to get back to my running days but It’s. So. Hard, (Netflix is always calling my name).

     He also checked a ball I have underneath the arch of my foot. It’s not painful it just sometimes feels slightly uncomfortable. I have had it for some years now, which I know sounds terrible because it could actually be something dangerous which a doctor should have seen since the beginning but I haven’t had health care until now. That’s really a sucky excuse really because health is really important but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

     Other than that nothing really nothing  has happened, oh wait. I went to my car insurance to see if they could drop the bill a little and they said no. I have so many discounts its amazing how I am paying anything at all. But, the good thing is they said maybe if I fiance my car through them and instead of where I bought it from they could reduce the monthly payments. I said hell yeah, so they did the application for the bank and we awaited a response. I got a call this morning saying that I was actually approved so tomorrow I’m going to see what kind of deal they have to offer me.

     Also, Journal, something that I have forgotten to mention is that my friends rescheduled the “friends fun night” that I canceled on last Friday. So I have that to look forward to. *Rolls eyes* Technically I shouldn’t despise them for not being there for me when I didn’t tell them that my life was falling to pieces and every day i woke up I felt like death itself. But come on! That’s like a basic Friendship Instinct! But, we’ll see what they have to say for themselves tomorrow.

2/23/2017