I Become Cold

Who do you call when you are at the end of your rope? What do you do when there is no one to call, because everyone is against you? Or so you feel that way.

Your best friend is supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Sometimes your best friend knows more about you than your own family does. Why? Because you tell them all your secrets. You tell them what you like, you even tell them what and who you hate.

They get to know you like the back of their hand. No, better, they get to know you sometimes better than they know themselves. You let them in your world and for a split second it’s bliss. It’s like a magical wonderland of infinite adventures. You want to spend every waking moment with them, you want to tell them everything.

But what happens when your at your lowest? When you need them? When your about to make the worst mistake of your life and they aren’t anywhere in sight?

What if they tell you that they want to be your friend, but they don’t want the responsibility of being there when you need them? Because they’re scared. Because they wouldn’t know what to do. Because it’s just too much for them to handle.

Maybe I’m too needy? Maybe I’m too pushy? But if I give you my heart and soul I expect that in return or else I become cold. I leave. I get distant. Don’t ask why. Don’t say goodbye. You knew this was going to happen. You saw it coming like reading from a book. But you won’t read the end because your to afraid of what I’ll do. Of what we will become. Of what we have become.

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Not For You, Not For Them, But For Me

Two weeks ago, I made an elaborate plan to take my life. This is my story.

Never in my life have I felt so low. Yes, considering all things I had thought about it many many times before. Had I ever acted upon it? No. This time it was different. This time, I was way to close.

It has taken me two weeks to come to terms with everything and finally write about it. Not for you, not for them, but for me. I need to let it out. Let my brain know that even if I don’t know you, at least you have known what I’ve been through.

My life has always been stressful. But these past couple of weeks of been the hurricane to the normal storms I was having.

With my mom’s reconstruction surgery coming soon, work problems, religion, and my best friend suddenly turning his back towards me, I saw no other option at that point.

I was tired. I was humiliated. I was worried. I was scared. All my options had all run out, or so I thought. So what would you do standing in a cliff when your heart is the one screaming no but your brain shouts louder walk.

I cried. Cried so hard there were no more tears my eyes were able to give. So hard that my lungs did more work in my life than they have ever done while running. Face red, cheeks sore, throat horse, I fell asleep.

My indecisiveness finally came in handy. The day I awoke I felt better about everything. Like I had gotten a second chance. Nothing changed. What changed was the way I viewed them.

My friend came to apologize. I forgave him on the spot. We all need forgiveness. We should not be walking around this life with extra baggage when we already have so much to carry.

I won’t say things will get better for anyone. Because, honestly, sometimes they don’t. All I can say is what can get better, is the way you view them.

There’s Nothing Left Here To Fight For

Emotions.

I am full of emotions. I love emotions. Feelings.

I think a lot. Some times it’s about good things and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it’s about how people make me feel. Usually it’s about how bad they make me feel. Rejection.

Right now my best friend, the one that I consider to be the closest to, is being as regular teens would call it a little bitch.

I don’t usually like to l say words like that on here because I try to be more professional but it’s driving me crazy.

Today I came to an amusement park with him, and it usually is great, I have the time of my life with him here. Today is not one of those days. On the car ride here, he was on his phone the whole time. Why?

While in line to go on rides he was on his phone the whole time as well. Specifically texting. Who is he texting? Why is he texting them? Am I that boring that he has to be texting someone else? I thought the whole point in hanging out and having fun is to have each other’s company? Why does he need to talk to someone else?

If I let him know that bothers me he’s going to think I’m too controlling, which in part I am. Or he’ll say something cheesy like, but I’m here with you and spending time with you, who cars if I’m talking to them.

I do. I demand attention. Was I on my phone the whole day? No, I ignored and still ignore everyone to give you my full attention. Yet, you don’t care enough to try to make conversation with me ? Like, all of my other friends wouldn’t have their phone out, they wouldn’t be talking to other people. They would divide their attention throughout the group that is present.

But why? I ask. Why did he do that? I was quite for some time. Not speaking much. Just giving random words here and there but not actually in the conversation. I wonder if he noticed? I wonder if he cared? Maybe he thought I was just being my blue self .

Either, he made me feel unimportant. Like he doesn’t care about our friendship. Like there isn’t even an us.

My heart hurts at the thought that our friendship has gone off the rails. That it’s all over. The flames have been put out. And there’s nothing left here to fight for.

Runaway

I feel like my blog has turned into some type of teen coming of age sort of blog. For some this would be no problem. The thing is I’m twenty-three years old. Should I have my life together? Am I heading in the right direction? What is the right direction?

My friend keeps indirectly saying he wants to run away. At first it started off as a job. I would even say it. Let’s run away and never look back. But I would say all the reasons why I couldn’t or can’t. But now, when he says he wants to run away. There’s a certain seriousness to his voice.

He asked me what I would do if he just disappeared. I was caught off guard. Why would anyone ask a question like that? And I was even more upset at the fact that he’s thinking of doing it alone. Did the thought of me broken hearted and left alone not cross his mind? All the things we’ve been through? The things we said? Do they mean nothing to him?

I wish I could know what’s making him want to run away form it all. Is it college? Maybe it’s too much. His drunk father? But he provides for his family. Or his family in general? How can I help? How can I make it better?

I wonder if this is another one of his games. You see he knows how to push my buttons. And that’s fine I kind of like it once in a while. But this is too far. I want him to stay. I never want him to leave. He’s the closest thing I have, and just thinking of not having him in my life is so depressing.

Merry Fucking Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m stuck at my call center job. I really hate it here. It’s minimum wage and you have to constantly take calls and harassing people, stay up to date with your stats, and try not to mess up. Honestly it’s too much. Plus I have my other job. My full time job pays more so idk why I’m even here. I could just walk out right now. But I can’t, and I won’t. Don’t have those balls.

Tomorrow I’ll be here for 11 hours. Marvelous. I’m getting paid over time and then after 8 hours it’s double so hell yes I’ll be here. Plus they say it’s really slow so why not. What we get paid on over time is what we should actually be getting paid . I mean this is serious business. It Doctor calls and hospital calls. What if we miss something? What if we write the wrong info? Didn’t matter matter.

Ive been feeling down for a while now. I hate being like this. I wish I could swap life with someone who is happy just to know how that feeling feels all the time. I swear I’m happy one day and then I’ll be so low fro the next 4 weeks .

I was going to help a friend move her tv from her old house to her boyfriends house. I was meeting her at midnight and she never showed up. I was over tired, sick, and sleep deprived. I knew she was going to flake like she always does but I’m just too nice of a person.

Anyway Merry Fucking Christmas.