Runaway

I feel like my blog has turned into some type of teen coming of age sort of blog. For some this would be no problem. The thing is I’m twenty-three years old. Should I have my life together? Am I heading in the right direction? What is the right direction?

My friend keeps indirectly saying he wants to run away. At first it started off as a job. I would even say it. Let’s run away and never look back. But I would say all the reasons why I couldn’t or can’t. But now, when he says he wants to run away. There’s a certain seriousness to his voice.

He asked me what I would do if he just disappeared. I was caught off guard. Why would anyone ask a question like that? And I was even more upset at the fact that he’s thinking of doing it alone. Did the thought of me broken hearted and left alone not cross his mind? All the things we’ve been through? The things we said? Do they mean nothing to him?

I wish I could know what’s making him want to run away form it all. Is it college? Maybe it’s too much. His drunk father? But he provides for his family. Or his family in general? How can I help? How can I make it better?

I wonder if this is another one of his games. You see he knows how to push my buttons. And that’s fine I kind of like it once in a while. But this is too far. I want him to stay. I never want him to leave. He’s the closest thing I have, and just thinking of not having him in my life is so depressing.

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Merry Fucking Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m stuck at my call center job. I really hate it here. It’s minimum wage and you have to constantly take calls and harassing people, stay up to date with your stats, and try not to mess up. Honestly it’s too much. Plus I have my other job. My full time job pays more so idk why I’m even here. I could just walk out right now. But I can’t, and I won’t. Don’t have those balls.

Tomorrow I’ll be here for 11 hours. Marvelous. I’m getting paid over time and then after 8 hours it’s double so hell yes I’ll be here. Plus they say it’s really slow so why not. What we get paid on over time is what we should actually be getting paid . I mean this is serious business. It Doctor calls and hospital calls. What if we miss something? What if we write the wrong info? Didn’t matter matter.

Ive been feeling down for a while now. I hate being like this. I wish I could swap life with someone who is happy just to know how that feeling feels all the time. I swear I’m happy one day and then I’ll be so low fro the next 4 weeks .

I was going to help a friend move her tv from her old house to her boyfriends house. I was meeting her at midnight and she never showed up. I was over tired, sick, and sleep deprived. I knew she was going to flake like she always does but I’m just too nice of a person.

Anyway Merry Fucking Christmas.

Alone

Yesterday as I was coming home from work from my second job when I burst into tears. I was so full of emotion, I was so full of feelings, and I think things were getting to me. Working two jobs is already stressing but let alone having life throw you curveballs is just some other type of bullshit.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m actually doing what I am and I am actually accomplishing everything I’m trying to. But there are times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about all my shit. Be as real as I could with them. Tell them all my darkest secrets, without them undermining my problems.

My friends are great I love them. I have a great time with them. But that’s all, a great time. Just fun fun fun. I want to be real. My family. I am the rock . They can not see me feeling down. They cannot see me give up. I have to be strong for them.

So who do you talk to when you feel this alone? I’m not saying I want to cry to someone, no. I want to have a real conversation. A real connection. One with words and head nods. One where a simple gesture will tell so much. I know it won’t solve it. That’s not why I want it. I just want to be listened to. To be heard. To get things off my chest.

I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. This is much deeper than that. This is heart to heart. The things I have to say aren’t for people who will use it against me when they first can. The things I have holding me down are things so personal to me. So personal, so private, so deeply hidden, that they make me feel alone.

I’m like the ocean. Cool, calm, and collected, always shining best when being hit but the rays of the sun. But then night falls and waves will hit, bringing down anything in its grasps. Creatures will come out and cause havoc. The coldness of the water freezing over the warmest of hearts. Dark, scary, sometimes angry. But most of all, alone.

Gabriel 

            Gabriel. You will never read this. Because the day you do you will stop being my friend. So basically, this letter is more for me than it is for you. It’s just a way to get things out of my system and pretend that I am getting through to you.

            The reason I say you won’t be my friend is not because you wouldn’t want to be. It’s because you have been told not to be. 

            Let me start by going back in time, again. I never met you but I always knew you. From church of course. I was shy and you seemed to get along with every other kid around. I was so shy that you didn’t even know I was part of the congregation even though I attend the same one as you for about four years. Until later on. When I left for good. Or I thought I had.

            We were in this religion called Jehovah’s Witnesses. I grew up there. Is wasn’t so bad. Until I realized I was gay. I always sort of knew but I never said it or admitted it. So being in this religion was a struggle. Until one day I said fuck it, and stopped going. I was maybe eighteen going on to nineteen. It hurt my mom, she was really dedicated. But yet she never knew why I stopped going to the gatherings.

            Then, my moms ex boyfriend came into the picture. Also a JW (Jehovah Witness). He started dating my mom and started giving me bible studies to see if I would go back. I did end up going back. Why? Well, for my mom mainly. And also because I had no job and no place to go. I went back knowing I was gay, but thinking I could change that. I didn’t.

            Though I did met you. Face to face. You walked into my life and it was great. I had no friends in this religion and you were the first. It was nice. When we went to church I finally had someone to talk to instead of the wall. You knew I was shy but still you wanted my friendship. Thank you. Still baffled that you call me a friend. 

            We did have our fall outs here and there but we are still, friends. But are we? You don’t even know my deepest darkest secret. What would you say if I told you I was gay? How would you see me? Would you tell me to change? Would you stop talking to me? Or would you sympathize and say it’s OK? I’ve gotten to know you all this time yet I have no clue what your reaction would turn out to be.

            You know that I have secrets. But why don’t you ask what they are? Are you scared that they will be too dark? I thought friends share everything? But, yet I know you keep things from me. And do I ask? No.

             Did you ever notice my cuts? I know I was a real professional at concealing them. Years of experience does that to you. But, if you did, why didn’t you say anything? When I was quiet why did you ask if everything was ok? Instead you tried your hardest to keep the conversation going with my one word answers.

            Did you ever notice how I was falling apart? I wanted to tell you so many things. I still do. And I wish I could. I wish I could tell you and see how you would react. If you took everything well, then good if not, then I would rewind it all back and just keep sweeping it under the rug.

            When will this cycle of pretend end? How long will I have to live this lie? Some people might say that I have to start thinking about myself and what’s best for me. And deep down maybe I agree with them. But I am not like that. I’m not like them. I look at others before I make decisions. In other words, I see how other people will get affected. And if I come out, a lot will.

            I want to thank you Gabriel for staying by my side. Because even though all my other friends left. Or better said, backed away, you stayed. You made sure to keep me in the loop. Sometimes I did wish you would stop talking to me but it was good that you didn’t. What will be our future if we continue this way?

Pointless 

            This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed. 

             Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work. 

Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful. 

            I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave. 

            The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not. 

             Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot. 

            Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though. 

             I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless. 

            Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in  four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them. 

            Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by?