Crossroads

Sexuality has always been a big part of my life. Not because I'm a sexual man whore going around trying to get in everyone's pants. I mean in the way that I have always been trying to figure out who I am and what I like. Of course sexuality does not defy who you are, that's not what I'm saying, but nonetheless it's a huge part of what makes you, you.

So in the past and even until now I've always gone back and forth from being gay to straight and vice versa. I feel one way at one point in my life then I feel completely the opposite. I'm probably broken, or like missing a wire. I even came to believe that maybe I was pansexual and just fell in love with people's personalities.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. Well now that that's out let me go into further detail.

There's this girl at work on second shift, she's extremely beautiful. Way over my league, but for some crazy reason she likes me? She thinks I'm 'cute'. Which makes me laugh because I haven't been called that since I was in my late teens.

So the problem is this; should I go on with the flirting? Should I go along with the texts? The smiley faces? Should I spend time getting to know her? What if this ends all bad? What if in the end I truly don't like her? I don't want to lead her on just because someone has finally should the slightest interest in me.

On the other side of the coin there's the possibility of actually falling in love. Of actually having some one who understands and likes to be around me. An actual relationship. With like two people. LoL. Am I that desperate for affection? For attention? Is it shallow? I have no clue. I've dated both girls and guys and I have had feelings for both so maybe in the end I'm just bisexual?

You know what? I'm not going to label it. Because in the end we are all people and love is love. I can't chose who I fall in love with. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't we'll that's because it's wasn't meant to be. I'm young and I have to start taking risks.

Dating

Dating. 

I have had my share of dates here and there but none of which have blossomed into healthy relationships. Probably the opposite . I’ve dated girls and boys, not bragging by the way. Although, I was wondering if it was time for me to jump in the pool again. Of course, by that I mean placing one toe in a few centimeters every minute or so. Like I said before, I’m not one to approach people and ask them out, so me making the first move would be so far fetched . 

In my first relationship I was young and didn’t know who I was yet. I was discovering myself. And I dated as the world had told me to. Boys date girls. It was a wonderful nonsexual relationship. We talked and had feelings for each other, as one does when one bonds and spends so much time with someone. But there was no physical attraction. 

After that I started to poke my nose in the “gay scene” more. I didn’t like it at all. Every app I had downloaded was all about sex. Sex sex sex. Nothing but sex. If you talked to a guy it was to find out who’s place the hook up would be at. Guys would only be interested in getting in your pants and not in your heart. Maybe I’m too over over romantic , or just a hopeless romantic period. 

Anyway, I dated guys here and there that didn’t seem to creepy and horny. It went well but I never found Mr. Right. Yes, ok, the guys I dated were charming and nice and what not, I mean I did chose to date them after all. But they weren’t what I wanted. Or what I needed. I have a complicated life so I need someone to be understanding and compassionate towards me. 

Which makes me wonder. I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. Is it time to go back? Or will my high standards never let me fall in love? Is my life just too complicated for just any one to handdle? Or am I just too dramatic? They say that there is a person out there for everyone, but maybe I am the only exception.

OMG! I’m fucking 23 for crying out loud

When I Stop Trying We Start Dying

Dear Journal, 

         I was thinking yesterday about my relationships. More specifically, the relationships that have to do with love and friendships. In these two fields I have past experience in. Not a lot but enough to talk about. These experiences should not be taken by the book since I am in fact alone

          So, then why was I thinking about them? Well, there is this thing called Snapchat, and the friend I have left and I have been communicating through it everyday, because you get a streak. Which is obviously the only reason we use it. I noticed though that I am always starting the conversation. I am always the one who sends the first message, or snap. 

          Yesterday, I was somewhat busy and decided that I would let him start the convo. We usually start talking when I send the first snap, which is usually around six AM. This time it was differant. It was near noon and still no sign that he was alive . No sign that he was ever going to start the interaction of words. So I, not wanting to lose the streak we have (which is at 53 days thank you), finally decided to send a good morning snap. I did not get any other response than “gm”. Until later in the day he told me what college he had finally chosen. 

          This had me thinking. Thinking about how hard I have to work for this friendship to work, let alone last. This threw me back in time to 2011. I was dating this girl. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. I liked her, didn’t know she liked me kind of senerio. I told her the same day I was moving away, two hours away, that I liked her which made her give her confession of also liking me. Very movie like kind of thing I now. Very romantic. Boy moves back and gets the girl. 

          FYI the guy didn’t get the girl in this one. We started long distance dating and we would visit each other from time to time. The whole relationship lasted a good six months. Until, well, until I stopped trying. I noticed she would only reply with one word answers. When we talked on the phone I was almost always talking. I wanted her to speak as well so I would ask questions but they seemed to get me no where. So I ended things. You think that she would cry or try to reason that what we had could be saved but no, she simply said okay. And we remained friends. Really far friends, that only speak every once in a year. 

          The same thing happened when I started dating other people. I would notice that I would be putting so much more in the relationship that I would just stop caring. I felt so used. Not only would I give my all, I would spend my money, time, and energy in those relationships. Just to get “okays” and “yeahs”. I don’t think so. Anyone who replies like they should just burn in hell because it affects a person who over analyzes too much, like yours truly. 

          Same thing with friendships. It seems that when I stop trying we start dying. Makes me wonder. Am I really that annoying? Am I annoying at all? Do I do things that bug people? Am I boring? Or possibly irritating? 

          So basically, what I want to be understood is that I’m done trying. It’s taking to much of me to keep up with all these relationships. I have to keep it together like glue on building blocks. It’s eating at me. 

          And it sucks because every time I’m sinking in the black hole of anxiety it feels like no one cares and they don’t mind that I am no longer around. Makes me think that they never actually wanted me around. That I was just there to fill the emptiness for the mean time. It’s cruel. I need some one to try for me. To care for me. I need someone to work as hard as I will in a relationship. To give it their all just as I will. To not give up when I start drifting away. To do  something if they see that I am falling and sinking back in that black hole. Someone, just someone who cares, someone who cares enough to try



4/22/2017

Can’t Afford The Dollar Menu

Journal,

     Yesterday was really hectic. I had so many things to do the day seemed never-ending. I woke up like any other normal day (and that says something because my days are anything but normal).I felt comfortable in my bed watching TV then I remembered I had to be somewhere. I had less than twenty minutes to get ready, drive, and be there.

     I had to be at my insurance (State Farm) because they refinanced my car, so now I will be paying it off way sooner and they provide free GAP Coverage (thank you). After that I had to drive to Car Max to cancel the GAP Coverage I had with them. Hopefully I get some money back, that would be more than nice. Mean while I’m busy doing all that stuff I’m also messaging one of my friend’s (we call her Momo, and I met her at my old job we literally only hanged out a few times but when we talk we just get each other, like we talk to each other every day).

     I was telling her how I stood up my other friends (the ones which I actually do or did hang out with). I felt horrible for not going and not even letting them know that I wasn’t going to show up. She told me to just tell them. To call them and explain whats going on. But I just can’t.


     Its different. I told her over the phone that when I talk to her she understands what I’m going through at least tries to, but with them, well one of them (Jen) she listens to what I say but then brushes it off like it’s no big deal. She changes the conversation so we don’t have to deal with my problems. That’s not what friends do. They help you find solutions. They don’t tell you that “its going to be ok” and then start talking about their favorite anime show.


     It’s sad because I love them with all my heart but who wants a friend that never has money to go out? Who wants a friend that is always complaining about their problems? They always like to go out. They have Disney annual passes! And I’m over here barely making my monthly car payments. Like, who wants to hang out with a person that can’t even afford the dollar menu?

     That problem isn’t salved yet, but at least I went to renew my work permit and everything is looking like its going to be approved (thank god). After that I agreed to go to Mount Rubidoux every Saturday. One of my church friends said he’d join in for moral support. Yet he still eats out with his family. This is my fight any ways right?

     Side note, my mom went out with her ex-boyfriend last night. I don’t know what to think about that. She said its just a friendly dinner. Yet, she cam home with new clothes and a bottle Brandy. Things in my life can not be any more complicated. (Jinxed that).

     Anyway, this Journal entry is just a mess. I don’t even know what half of what I said was but there you, you’re welcome.

2/26/2017