Karma, Dude You’re Failing Me

          I feel that I am a good person. At least, comparing myself to a lot of people, I know I am. But sometimes I feel that I could be a much better person. I try my best to be nice and kind and treat others the way I would have wanted to be treated in their shoes. And even though it’s said that ‘what goes around comes back around’ I feel that only applies to the bad. For example, hurt someone and then you will get hurt in the future. But then again you could also say it’s Karma. Bad Karma good Karma, I have no clue. But I’ve done good and not revived as much good back. 

          Anyway, one of my friends went to his college orientation yesterday and he had to spend the night there. It was a two day event to get to know the campus and what not. This is where I get mad. This is where I ramble on about how life sucks for me. And in all honesty. It does. 

          He messaged me yesterday morning and he sounded like it was a pain in the ass to go. I was like dude, you have the opportunity to go to college fully paid in one of the best countries in the world and get a good education and make something out of yourself and your complaining? I swear if he would have been right in front  of me I would have slapped him right in the face. 

          I feel like in these situations I have the full right to be jealous. Like I have the up most authority. Why? Well , he has a home, he doesn’t have to work, his college is paid for, and let alone that he’s is going to college period. Fuck yes I’m jealous! Or maybe I’m confusing my jealousy with anger? 


          Am I angry? It is a possibility. He is so ungreatfull. I’m fighting and clawing my way through life and he’s chilling and complaining? What kind of a friend is that? He’s privlaged. Way too privlaged. Never had to think about the future because it was simply just given to him. Everything he’s ever wanted just has always been there. He hasn’t ever needed anything because he has always had everything. 


          I was thinking the other day. And it’s kind of funny. I thought, what the fuck did I do in my past life to get stuck in this crappy one. It just came right out of the blue. But I mean it. I see bad things happen to good people. And I see bad people with all their success. Like, Karma, dude you’re failing me! I’ve been nothing but good in this life and it seems I’m In a never ending bad spiral. It’s annoying, just saying. 

          Will I tell my friend how I feel? Of course not. That would only cause more drama. I’ll just keep it to myself because I’m such a peace maker and I’ll talk to him like normal and whatever. But I’ll keep my space. It’s only a matter of time before he thinks highly of himself and leaves me behind in the gettho while he’s off making millions in who knows where doing who knows what, but that’s just the way it is. Welcome to life. 

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Jennifer 

Dear Friend, 

             Jenny. This one is for you.  I don’t know if you will ever read this, or better said, I don’t know if I ever want you to read it. Maybe you should, because maybe you don’t know how I feel or the things that made me come to the point of what I am feeling today. I have spent months trying to write this letter and weeks editing in and out things that I wanted to say. At the end of it all I just wanted to write everything. I needed to write everything. 

             When I initially started work at McD’s I honestly didn’t remember you from school. Yes, you did seem very familiar and yes, you were very kind. I was not comfortable yet with my sexually so I had a hard time talking to people. Then that one girl reached out to me first. Nicole. I thought we would be long time best friends but that didn’t go as planned as I started seeing who she really was. Or mainly, I made up what I thought about her through what people said instead of knowing her myself. She’s actually really cool. 

             After some weeks you and I started talking. But it wasn’t until I started closing and working in afternoon shifts that I started to see what a great person you actually were. I felt light around you. I don’t really know if you understand that. I guess what I mean is that I could open up and all the weight that was on my shoulders would temporarily lift off. 

             You know, you have that thing about you Jenny. You can talk to anyone and be so friendly and make them smile. That’s one of the things I love about you. You always look at the bright side in the darkest moments. Your smile is always warm, and your eyes shine brighter than the sun. Your personality is beautiful and your humor is one of a kind. When you laughed I always wanted to join in. 

            You were a great friend Jenny. I would have never gone to college if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for helping me sign up. Even though I only went for a semester it was the best time I had at school. It was the first time since elementary that I had a real friend at school. And I wasn’t scared of who I was going to hang out with. Because you were there. I always looked forward to art class. I awaited every single time we had a chance to hang out before class. You were my ray of sunlight. Do you remember the fun times we had? Eating pizza? Sometimes just ditching school and going to Disneyland? 

            Oh Disney. It felt like I was a kid again. Never did I think I would go there. But because of you I had the time of my life there. I’ll admit though, you were a bit bossy. Well fuck, I’m telling the whole truth right? You were hella bossy. Sometimes it bugged me. But that’s ok. You knew what you were doing and I didn’t. I followed your lead. It still was the time of my life and I would do it all over again if I could. When can we do it again? 

            I liked working with you. I like going to school with you. I liked hanging out at your house and playing Wii Party. Remember? Chips, Catfished, and Wii Party. I felt like I was reliving my teen years. How they should have actually gone. 

            Let me take you back to the nights we closed together. Those nights were crazy. We did the wildest things. We said the craziest shit. Those nights were so stress relieving. I could not have chosen a better person to spend those nights with. Work was hell but working along side with you make it’s so much fun. At times I didn’t even think it was work. It was just me and my friend fucking up McDonald’s. It was fun. 

            How did things get to this point? This point of us barley speaking to each other? Well, I felt distant. I felt disconnected. And yes I have mainly the blame here, but you could have helped you know. I was waiting for that. But it’s ok. 

            That day I stood you and Eli up wasn’t because I didn’t want to go. I had hell of an anxiety attack. I was under pressure with everything. My life was rapidly turning upside down. Hell it still is. It’s been flipped over a couple of times and now I’m struggling trying to find the person I used to be. Do you remember? 

            I’m sorry I have been so distant. I forgot how to be a friend. To be honest I forgot how to be social. I do miss you though. Everything about you. Your laugh, your jokes, your screams, your fights with Hellen. Just being around you. How can we mend this? Every time I want to I always think of the bad things. Why? 

            I’m trying my hardest to keep my sanity, but with all the things that go on in my life right now it’s really hard. Sometimes I ask myself, how would my life been if I never quit that job? Would we still be friends? 

            When I text or Snapchat you you always say you love me and that you are here for me. But how? 

            Maybe I’m being too hard on you, maybe I’m being too hard on me. Life is hard. Life sucks. But I wish you were in it because it would be a lot better. 

            You bumped into me yesterday, it was nice seeing you. It had been almost seven months since I saw you last. You cried when you hugged me. That made me feel really bad. I wish I was better, I wish o didn’t have problems. I wish I knew how to deal with all this shit. Anything really to make it all better. For you, for Eli, for everyone. Will there ever be a better?

Worst Person Ever 

            So yesterday I was supposed to go to my best friends graduation party. He’s my best friend (only friend I guess) but I’m not sure if I’m his best friend. He’s very popular and very well known. Very sociable. 

            I can’t help but think I’m the worst person ever. All day yesterday I looked for what I could give him as a gift. I got him an emoji pillow and a notebook that has line, graph, and blank paper. Along with pencils and erasers. 

            I put them in the gift bag and I was ready to go. But I actually never even went. I didn’t go. My anxiety got the best of me. It took over. How cruel is that? I didn’t go to my own best friends grad party? Do I even have a heart? 

            First, I started thinking about all the people that would be there. I had asked him before and he said he didn’t know. His parents did the invites. They even did the party at one of his other friends house because there was more space, even though his house is pretty big. Yes, I was anxious. 

            Second, I wasn’t going to talk to anyone there. Yes, I would have probably known some of them, but I’d doubt they would have come up to talk to me. They don’t at church, why at a party? Gabriel had already apologized before hand saying he was sorry if he didn’t even get a chance to talk to me because he would be so busy. I understand that. He has to greet and conversate with all his guests. Thank them for coming and the gifts and what not. 

            Third, with all that’s going on I didn’t even feel like partying. Or being social. I could barley talk to a wall. I felt like running. I wanted to run as fast as I could until not being able to feel my legs. So that’s what I did. I went outside and walked for maybe two hours. It felt good. 

            Forth, well, I am kind of jealous. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him. He’s graduated, has his college paid for, got a car from his parents, has a house to live in, got a grad party, he has it all. Does he deserve it all? I would say yes every time. He’s a cool guy. I mean, I haven’t scared him away like Eli and Jenny, yet

            I just look at my life and ask why? I have done so much and yet my life sucks. There is so much struggle. When I told Eli that my mom has breast cancer she started crying, asked the same thing. “Why are you always going through all these bad things?” she had asked. It’s like I’m plagued with some curse that won’t let me live in peace. 

            Maybe you need to try harder? Trust me, I have tried. I have given this life all I have. I have worked for everything I have. I have been the father figure for my brother. I was the strength for my mother when our father left us even when I myself couldn’t bare. In the bad times I have always worn the face of courage. I have been the strength for my family that has kept us moving forward. But I feel that inside it has all eaten me away. 

            I have been the nicest person to the meanest of people. I have helped those who wouldn’t even lend me a hand. But where is karma? Has she mistaken me for some one else?  Has she forgotten the rules to her own game? Has she taken a break? A short little vacation? Or has she simply retired letting life rule over us all? 
            Now I have to find a way to apologize to Gabriel. I don’t know how to explain to him what I feel. Maybe how I wrote it on here but it just wouldn’t be the same. 

It’s Just A Dream

So Journal, 

      It’s is official. I am part of a company now. Not any important or valued position of course, (mind you it’s just a warehouse). With a salary that’s close to minimum wage I won’t get any where in life, but it’s what I get for not going to college (or better said, dropping out. Or better better said, not continuing my education. That sounds less pain ful to hear). 


     Any way, the point is I have a secure job (for now) that has good benefits and nice pay. The orientation was good, not boring at all (no sarcasm intended). They provided food and drinks and a lunch so I felt really welcome. Now I’m officially an Inventory Associate. 

     But, that’s not what I really want to be doing with my life. I have always loved reading books. I love how words can transport your mind somewhere else meanwhile your body is still fixed to the real world. I love the stories and the descriptions of the writers. It’s like my own little movie in my head. The script is laid out and I’m directing it my in mind. 

     So, basically what I want to be doing (if some how I become rich) is an author. I want to write books. I want to tell stories. I want people to feel the words I place on paper and to imagine what I was painting for them. I want to touch hearts and also make people think and wonder. I want people to be hooked on what they are reading. To pick up one of my books and not be able to put it down. To write something different something unique

     I understand that it takes a lot of education to become a well enough writer. Which makes my dream really far and distant. I obviously don’t have any money to get the education I need to have “superior language skills” to be a writer. I have so many ideas I have so many stories ready to be spread amongst thousands and thousands of pieces of paper. I just don’t know how to get started. How do you make a dream into a reality , when it’s just a dream? 

     Every single book I have read it mentions how the author came from this or that university and has a masters in this and that. Never have I ever read a book from someone that just graduated high school and had a New York Times best seller. Though, maybe I can be the first one? That would be a stretch! (A very powerful, long, elástic, rubberband kind of stretch). 

     Either way I shall keep the dream alive and keep Journaling, It’s a nice vent and I love writing. 

2/21/2017