Pity Party 

             My birthday is just a couple of weeks away and I could not be any less excited. Don’t get me wrong, another year has gone by and I’m still here, yay for me. Well, my birthday lands two days after my moms surgery, or my moms surgery lands two days before my birthday. Don’t really know how I would frase that. 

             Either way that whole sentence in its fullness sound ridiculous. Yes, I could say that if everything goes well with the surgery, I could celebrate while on my birthday. But I’ll be taking care of my mom then, so no time to drop it as if it was hot. Plus I don’t like to party. Dance? Only in private or in the shower. Sing? In the car, or in the shower. Drink? Only mixed and sweat please. . .and in the shower.  

             I know as the days go by my mood is changing for the better. I’m just waiting for this roller coaster to go up, way up, then come crashing down again. But, we’ll see. Time will tell. 

             One of my long time acquaintances said we should get together since we have the same birth month. I agreed seeing as I haven’t seen her for about seven months and I need some socialization before I retreat back into my shell. She’s really nice and even though I’ve been pushing everyone away she’s always been bugging and bugging me to talk to her. I appreciate that very much. So maybe I’ll see her Thursday. If one of us doesn’t flake. 

             My other friends. Eli and Jenny said we should do something for my birthday. I haven’t seen Jenny in six months now, doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on in my life. Eli, I saw her maybe a month ago, and told her what’s going on. I had expected her to understand. But she seems to have forgotten because she never really asks me how my mom has been doing. I told them that I didn’t want to waste their time. Of course, like any friend, they mechanically said that wasn’t the case. Eventually I stopped responding to the group text. 

Maybe I’ll though my own party, I’ll cry and laugh about my problems.

             Though, I don’t need a fucken cake or balloons. I don’t need presants or gifts. I need support. I need comfort. I need reassurance. I understand they want to have fun but, yo, I got problems, and finding how to celebrate my birthday isn’t one. I was going to tell them, but then they would have thought that I wasn’t that appreciative of them, since they were so “thoughtful”, but I didn’t. They probably think that anyway. One day they will know the difference. I miss them. I miss the old me too. Life goes on. 

             Talked to my brother about him being more responsible. He said he would try. We’re all in this together. Told him I didn’t want to end up like one of those distant families that are all torn apart. 

             One of my friends (or the one friend I have) from church says he wants to go to the surgery for support. That’s what I’m talking about! But yet I feel like he still hides stuff from me. I mean we’re not dating but still friends tell each other everything right? Maybe I can’t be pleased? Who knows. 

             Tomorrow I’m going out of town for work related training. It’s about three towns over. Sounds like I live in deserted place, but I swear it’s SoCal. 

Anyway that’s enough of me mumbling about what’s going on. I’ll mumble some more later. 

We Are All Humans 

            Today at work they showed us a couple of vidoes. Due to the fact that it’s diversity week they wanted to emphasize that just the type of our skin isn’t what makes us diverse, it’s also where we come from, how we grew up, and the obsticles that we have to overcome in life. 

            One of the videos was about a boy named Owen Howkins. He has a rare muscle condition that has only been known to affect 33 people in the whole world. It’s such a heart warming story of him and his dog. How they help each other out and gave one another a brighter day. A new look on life. So in other words, diversity includes all of us. We have to learn to accept everyone. We are all humans. And we all want the same thing, to be accepted

            I got teared up when I watched the video. It’s sad to say that many people thought it was a waste of time, saying how that company time would have worked better for them if they were actually working. Those people make me angry. We need to learn about others, share ideas, grow! How can we understand the rest of the human race if we have don’t know what they go through? Even in our own race. There are things that we don’t go through. Things that we do and they don’t. By sharing and getting to know one another we came help each other out. But my coworkers are very closed minded people I suppose. 

                                  •••

            The rest of the day was better. Tomorrow I’m going to an all day assembly at church again. I missed last Friday so my mom, my brother, and a friend (Gabriel), and I are going tomorrow. Should be nice. 

            Saturday I have the color run with Gabriel. Then I have an eye exam. I need new glasses now. I have no clue how the hell I’m  seeing through these. They are all scratched and blurry. It’s actually a miracle I can see through them at all. 

            I was invited to a party… well, a youth party. One of the teen girls from church is having one at her house. Seeing as I’m shy and antisocial I don’t know if I’ll go. She’s 19 and very loud. I don’t do loud. I do board games and fancy lemonade. So I don’t know if I’ll go. Unles Gabriel convices me. But we all know how that ended last time

            Sunday will be a chill day and I’ll wait and find out what it has in store. Each day has its own worries so why worry about the next? 

It Will Change Us Forever

Dear Journal,

These past few days have been a little rough. I’m not going to lie its really hard (this cancer thing). I’m trying my best to stay strong and be positive in front of everyone, but I know soon as I don’t find way to relax and let out my despair I feel like I’ll turn into a ticking time bomb.

This Friday I talked to my boss,  and another supervisor. Originally I just wanted my boss to know but its good that she knows just as well, since she will ask questions either way when she notices my change in work habits or absences.

Like any other supporting humans they felt sorry. He (the manager) said he had my full support in what ever I needed. Of course I don’t really need much from him since he is just my boss. All I need from him is the approval to leave early on days in which is necessary. I also informed him that I didn’t want to abuse of his authority that’s why I had to talk to him about it.

I told my best friend. He took it well. I know he will be some sort of anchor for me. Someone I can talk to about everything. He’s eighteen so of course the wisdom he will provide me with will not be that of gran experience but his support will do more or me than he will ever know.

My mom’s ex boyfriend knows as well. He said he’s going to do anything in his power to help us get through this. His brothers wife had breast cancer and uterus cancer. She is a survivor and gave my mom a lot of tips of what she is going to go through and what she can do to make this experience  not so bad.

Other than that we haven’t told anyone and mainly it’s because my mom doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. We will tell friends and family first. Then our church. Yes, we are religious. Me, I would consider myself a stray even though I go every Sunday. I never applied anything to my life but I liked going. I was thinking though that it is sad that when we are in trouble we tend to look at God for help. Yet, when we are doing fine we act like there is no God. I don’t like that feeling. That’s why the last time I was in trouble and I looked to him I said I would stay by His side but I did stray anyway. Not enough to not go to church but enough to not be fully there.

All that’s left to do know is wait and see where this journey will take us. It’s not going to be fun, I know. I will struggle, it will change us all for ever, no matter what the outcome will be. I lost two friends in the beginning of the year and have gotten closer to another. My job is OK for now, I just hope we all have the strength to keep moving forward.

 

 

3/19/2017