Yesterday we went to the oncologist and finally got the results on my mom's breast cancer tissue and what type of cancer it was. I think it was something like invasive carcinoma. She wrote it down on our paper because it was a tricky word. But she said if there was cancer that if you had to have a cancer this one was the one to have. Doctors and their doctors sense of humor.
Basically it's three hormones to feed the cancer cell. So estrogen, progesterone, and HER 2 negative. That's what this type of cancer feeds off. And my mom had the combination of the three. Well don't quote me on this, she has estrogen and progesterone, but she was negative on HER 2 which is a protein or something that controls how healthy breast cells grow, so obviously with out it it's perfect for cancer to grow.
Now that we knew what happened we could find a solution. The doctor said she didn't need to have chemo, which was great news. We didn't want to go through all that pain since it was already hard enough. So she said instead she would just have to take a pill… for ten years.
At first I laughed because I thought she had miss placed her words or she was joking like doctors do, but no, she was serious. It's called Tamoxifen. It's an anti-estrogen hormone. So she said that that will stop them from coming together and forming any other cancer cells on the other breast.
I was looking into the drug and it seems pretty good. The doctor said there's almost a 100% survival rate after five years which is really really great news. The thing is it's a good $100 to get per month. We haven't gone to get it at the pharmacy yet, we will today, I'm hoping that our insurance covers it.
Update, it did. At least for about five months. It has some side effects though. Not that all bad but we just have to keep an eye on her. I'm glad we're getting though this. It has been the toughest year yet for us but some how we managed to get through it. Really makes me smile and feel good to see how strong my family is.
Yesterday we saw the surgeon. He gave my mother two alternatives. Remove part of the breast and have the other get radiation, or remove the whole breast and have reconstruction surgery and just get chemo.
Even though they might seem like great solutions, (after all its her staying alive what we want), it’s still hard for her. I can see it. She doesn’t want to admit it. Shes a strong person. Doesn’t like to admit defeat.But she can’t manage this all on her own.
Monday we will see the oncologist and he will tell us everything we need to know about the cancer. How big, what stage, and how much chemo she will have to under go until she is once again superwoman.
The surgery though isn’t until May. Well, May the second. The insurance has to approve it and I guess medical is slow on these things. My initial thought would be that they act fast to get that thing out of her. But nothing moves people like money and everyone has to have their backs covered, right? It’s a sad world we live in.
Because, if you really think of it. If people were doctors because they wanted to save lives they really wouldn’t need the money right? They are doing it because its something they want to do? But then again, who will pay their bills? How will they make a living? My point is, it’s a fortune just to stay alive.
I’m glad we found a program that will help us though. I always under appreciated those things. People giving money to charities and other programs, but now I understand. It isn’t until you go through things that makes you see live in a new way. Makes you wake up each they and wonder, everything could change in the matter of seconds, so enjoy what you have.
My boss is very lenient. I asked him permission to leave early this upcoming Monday and he granted it without asking what time I would be leaving at. That’s nice of him. This whole thing is really starting to stress me out. That’s when I feel guilty because I’m not the one with the cancer. I’m trying my hardest to stay sane but it’s getting complicated.
I don’t know what to feel or how. I know exactly howI should feel, sad. Maybe a little devastated. I should be on the floor hysterically crying asking “why?” Instead I feel a hole. Dark and cold. My brain scans all the possible answers to the why. I feel regret. I feel anger towards the time I have wasted. The precious moments I wasted doing things that were so worthless and now see that those moments I could have been there. I could have had more time.
I did cry. I can not put up a front and say I didn’t, that would make me heartless. I cried in private. To myself. I have to be strong.
“We have to be strong, we are going to be strong.”
My mom said when I came home. I knew she was getting check ups after check ups at the doctors. It never hit me until today. Yes, I always knew the possibility. But never assumed it to be true. Never imagined that the story would actually be played out this way.
We said we would be strong. But we know we are only humans. There is only so much we can take.
I ask myself why her? She is my everything. She has been a father, mother, friend, my conscience, and much more to me. She has such a big heart. She has done no harm to me. She hasn’t hurt anyone, made no enemies. She’s the reason I am what I am. Every kind and loving part my soul I have learned from her. She has taught me so much about caring and being a good person.
I’m not scared of death. I have never been. Death is death. Perhaps it’s because I have never seen it up close. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t blink twice. But her? I can’t picture that. What would my days be waking up with out seeing her face? How would I feel to come home and not have our afternoon talks ? What would I be when I can’t call her to ask her something? When I need her opinion? What will I turn into once I relized she’s not there to hold me when I’m hurt? To comfort me when I’m doubting? Who will guide me through this tough life? How will I be able to go on? What will be the purpose of life then? Of trying to stay alive? What will I live for?
Why am I making myself the victim ? Maybe I’m overreacting. Fuck you, if you think that’s the case. She’s my mother and if she’s gone nothing can replace her. Nothing can replace the way her voice sounds. Nothing will replace the way she knows how to make me feel better. Nothing will replace her love.
She can’t leave us yet. She won’t. We will get through this, I promise.