Work In Progress 

            I took a nap late in the afternoon and now I can’t sleep. So, hello Internet, what’s good? 

             Well, after last week I didn’t know if I would be going to work this week. (Immigration issues). I didn’t want to write about it until I knew I was for sure going to stay. I talked to Jose and he said all the paperwork was sent to HR and if it was important they would have responded so he’s just going to leave it like that. Better for me! 

             Plus, he said were not doing anything wrong. It’s not like it’s fraud or anything. My application was submitted, it was accepted, and now I just need my work permit to arrive. It’s taking awhile. Thanks Trump. *Rolls eyes* 

             Speaking of Jose I also talked to him about my moms surgery. Not a lot of people at work know about it. Just him my supervisor and a close coworker. It’s official. It will be June 27th.

             Yes, I’m nervous and scared but I’m hopping for the best. I asked for that day plus the rest of the week off. And seeing that July the Forth is the following Tuesday (and we have it off) I asked for Monday off as well. He said it was cool. He even asked if I needed more time off. I said that was enough, I do need to pay bills. We will have some help from family and friends. No doubt that this summer will be overwhelming to say the least but I just want my mom to get better. 

             I apologized to Gabriel for not going to his graduation party. He said it was ok, that there was no need to apologize. He knows me and knows that I’m not much of a talker. I have to trust and know you 100% to let my feelings out. Or else I’m the equivalent to a rock. Though, I need to stop doing that. Saying I’ll go somewhere and not show up. I should at least say something. Work in progress I suppose. 

             I have been watching a lot of videos about shin splints. (Leg injuries). I really want my legs to get better so I can continue to run. There is so much that has to do with your leg muscles and all that stuff. How to run right, step right, the right shoes, and even having sturdy hips. Who knew? I’ll work on it though. Need to get back to running as fast as I can. 

              I’ve also been working on some posts. Letters mainly. I can’t send them to the people that they are written for but I feel getting it out there is a start. Maybe someday I’ll tell them that I have a blog? I have also been working on my own story. Mainly like a miniseries of posts about my main struggles. It’s dark and it’s taking me a while. But I feel good after it’s out there, written down and I’m not carrying it with me. Make sense? Maybe. But for now I shall sleep.

Good night Internet. 
              

             

Worst Person Ever 

            So yesterday I was supposed to go to my best friends graduation party. He’s my best friend (only friend I guess) but I’m not sure if I’m his best friend. He’s very popular and very well known. Very sociable. 

            I can’t help but think I’m the worst person ever. All day yesterday I looked for what I could give him as a gift. I got him an emoji pillow and a notebook that has line, graph, and blank paper. Along with pencils and erasers. 

            I put them in the gift bag and I was ready to go. But I actually never even went. I didn’t go. My anxiety got the best of me. It took over. How cruel is that? I didn’t go to my own best friends grad party? Do I even have a heart? 

            First, I started thinking about all the people that would be there. I had asked him before and he said he didn’t know. His parents did the invites. They even did the party at one of his other friends house because there was more space, even though his house is pretty big. Yes, I was anxious. 

            Second, I wasn’t going to talk to anyone there. Yes, I would have probably known some of them, but I’d doubt they would have come up to talk to me. They don’t at church, why at a party? Gabriel had already apologized before hand saying he was sorry if he didn’t even get a chance to talk to me because he would be so busy. I understand that. He has to greet and conversate with all his guests. Thank them for coming and the gifts and what not. 

            Third, with all that’s going on I didn’t even feel like partying. Or being social. I could barley talk to a wall. I felt like running. I wanted to run as fast as I could until not being able to feel my legs. So that’s what I did. I went outside and walked for maybe two hours. It felt good. 

            Forth, well, I am kind of jealous. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him. He’s graduated, has his college paid for, got a car from his parents, has a house to live in, got a grad party, he has it all. Does he deserve it all? I would say yes every time. He’s a cool guy. I mean, I haven’t scared him away like Eli and Jenny, yet

            I just look at my life and ask why? I have done so much and yet my life sucks. There is so much struggle. When I told Eli that my mom has breast cancer she started crying, asked the same thing. “Why are you always going through all these bad things?” she had asked. It’s like I’m plagued with some curse that won’t let me live in peace. 

            Maybe you need to try harder? Trust me, I have tried. I have given this life all I have. I have worked for everything I have. I have been the father figure for my brother. I was the strength for my mother when our father left us even when I myself couldn’t bare. In the bad times I have always worn the face of courage. I have been the strength for my family that has kept us moving forward. But I feel that inside it has all eaten me away. 

            I have been the nicest person to the meanest of people. I have helped those who wouldn’t even lend me a hand. But where is karma? Has she mistaken me for some one else?  Has she forgotten the rules to her own game? Has she taken a break? A short little vacation? Or has she simply retired letting life rule over us all? 
            Now I have to find a way to apologize to Gabriel. I don’t know how to explain to him what I feel. Maybe how I wrote it on here but it just wouldn’t be the same. 

I Never Told You, I Just Held It In

             I just came back from the park. I had a nice little walk and a great big talk with an old friend. Turns out she wasn’t that mad I got really distant with her. I still blame myself because I could have told her what was going one. That’s not like me though.

            It seems that life is treating her really well and I’m happy for her. I wish and hope it stays that way. She wants to lose weight and I hope she achieves her goal. And again, it was really nice talking with her. It had been months since we had seen each other and we live in the same city.

           I did tell her about my mom. She hugged me with tears in her eyes, and as much as I also wanted to burst out in tears as well I held it in because I have already cried enough, and I’m not much for crying in front of people. She’s so sweet. I wonder if our friendship can recuperate after such a long time apart. I really do love her and care about her so I hope she feels the same way. I miss her still.

           I honestly do not know what the future has in store for me anymore soI have been falling into the feeling that I don’t even care anymore. If its good, then welcome, if its not, should I even be surprised?

It’s A Fortune Just To Stay Alive

So Journal,

Yesterday we saw the surgeon. He gave my mother two alternatives. Remove part of the breast and have the other get radiation, or remove the whole breast and have reconstruction surgery and just get chemo.

Even though they might seem like great solutions, (after all its her staying alive what we want), it’s still hard for her. I can see it. She doesn’t want to admit it. Shes a strong person. Doesn’t like to admit defeat.But she can’t manage this all on her own.

Monday we will see the oncologist and he will tell us everything we need to know about the cancer. How big, what stage, and how much chemo she will have to under go until she is once again superwoman.

The surgery though isn’t until May. Well, May the second. The insurance has to approve it and I guess medical is slow on these things. My initial thought would be that they act fast to get that thing out of her. But nothing moves people like money and everyone has to have their backs covered, right? It’s a sad world we live in.

Because, if you really think of it. If people were doctors because they wanted to save lives they really wouldn’t need the money right? They are doing it because its something they want to do? But then again, who will pay their bills? How will they make a living? My point is, it’s a fortune just to stay alive.

I’m glad we found a program that will help us though. I always under appreciated those things. People giving money to charities and other programs, but now I understand. It isn’t until you go through things that makes you see live in a new way. Makes you wake up each they and wonder, everything could change in the matter of seconds, so enjoy what you have. 

My boss is very lenient. I asked him permission to leave early this upcoming Monday and he granted it without asking what time I would be leaving at. That’s nice of him. This whole thing is really starting to stress me out. That’s when I feel guilty because I’m not the one with the cancer. I’m trying my hardest to stay sane but it’s getting complicated.

 

 

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3/23/2017

Acting “Normal”

Dear Journal,

     I feel like no one cares. It’s not that they don’t care it’s that they don’t know. Part of me thinks, if they don’t know how can they care. But then again I can’t scream out to the world for them to know. 

     I have been meaning to tell one of my cowrkers. She has gone trough the same thing with her mom. I feel like if anyone can understand what I feel it would be her. But then again, I don’t want to cause her any angst. I don’t want to worry her. She may have some advice, but I can never find the right time to tell her. And it’s not something you can just bring up in abnormal convo like, “hey, my mom had breast cancer.” 

      I reminded my boss about tomorrow and he said it was fine. He said he was “sorry” again. But when he said it he didn’t look at me but at his work. I don’t ask for much from him I know. But maybe he could look me in the eyes when he wants to show his simphathy. Maybe that’s just his way? 

     There are people I wouldn’t like to find out. Some piel just like the way you suffer. Or the little fact that they are doing better than you. I’m not sure. What ever it may be this is turning out to be harder than I original had in mind. 

     Anyway, back to my lunch. Back to acting normal