Friendless Friday Night

I sit on my bed while I listen to soft R&B music. My mother is in her room tired from the walk we took earlier. I’ve taken two shots of vodka from one of the four bottles I hide in my closet. They’ve been collecting dust ever since I stopped clubbing and going out to parties. Today I figured I’d do some lite dusting.

Three months ago I bought a ticket for a rave (music EDM festival). Four hours ago I drove one of my best friends along with one of his friends with the ticket I had purchased for myself. Only I didn’t go in with my ticket. His friend did.

After having a huge fight with the friend who invited me to the rave we broke up the friendship and I was set to go alone. But my other friend swooped in and bought a ticket to go with me. Then my moms surgery came out of the blue and there was no way I’d leave her alone. So I gave my ticket to him to invite someone so he wouldn’t go alone.

Things change so much in such a short period of time. I really wish I could have gone. It would have been a blast. But maybe there will be a next time. Or maybe there won’t be. Who knows.

So many things have happened this year and it’s not even the end yet. I used to have a boring life and I thought I hated it. Now I cherish those endless nights of boredom. Those friendless Friday nights.

But at the same time I am also thank full for experiencing it all.


Last Wednesday I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We had a long four hour talk. She’s doing well, I’m doing ok. Life moves on weather you are in or out of people’s life’s.

I told her how I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality. Am I gay? That’s what I thought my whole life. Am I bi? I’ve fallen for the prettiest girl in my eyes. It’s another who knows situation. But maybe we’ll find out soon.

Now, I’ll get comfortable in my bed as I take my last shot of the night and sleep a good nights sleep and wake up for what ever life has in store for me for the rest of the year.

Advertisements

I Will Not Break

I’m sitting in a target parking lot. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m highly stress, but I refuse to to let anyone know. I refuse to step down from where I am and say that I am not ok. I refuse to have people pity me and feel sorry for everything that is going on in my life.

My mother goes into an intensive ten hour surgery this Friday. It has high risks and it also has benefits. Not to mention her car just broke down today.

Life is testing me. I will not break. I am strong. I refuse to cry. I am not weak.

I’ve been through so much that this just seems like another hill. I’m not cocky, this is not confidence. This is me telling myself that I can do it. That whatever this is will soon be over. Good or bad it will have I happen and I will have to move on.

Runaway

I feel like my blog has turned into some type of teen coming of age sort of blog. For some this would be no problem. The thing is I’m twenty-three years old. Should I have my life together? Am I heading in the right direction? What is the right direction?

My friend keeps indirectly saying he wants to run away. At first it started off as a job. I would even say it. Let’s run away and never look back. But I would say all the reasons why I couldn’t or can’t. But now, when he says he wants to run away. There’s a certain seriousness to his voice.

He asked me what I would do if he just disappeared. I was caught off guard. Why would anyone ask a question like that? And I was even more upset at the fact that he’s thinking of doing it alone. Did the thought of me broken hearted and left alone not cross his mind? All the things we’ve been through? The things we said? Do they mean nothing to him?

I wish I could know what’s making him want to run away form it all. Is it college? Maybe it’s too much. His drunk father? But he provides for his family. Or his family in general? How can I help? How can I make it better?

I wonder if this is another one of his games. You see he knows how to push my buttons. And that’s fine I kind of like it once in a while. But this is too far. I want him to stay. I never want him to leave. He’s the closest thing I have, and just thinking of not having him in my life is so depressing.

Scared For 2018

So right now snapchat, instagram, and Facebook are all being flooded with post about how 2017 treated people. Some are saying that it was great and some are saying how it’s the worst year yet.

For me I’m swiping through word press and see all the 2017 posts as well. People saying goodbye to this year and hello to the next.

All the while I’m in my bed just listing to music. Doing nothing special. Not drinking, not having fun. Just boring old me in my bed. Sadly I work tomorrow but over time is over time.

I messaged a friend and told him that I really did appreciate his friendship this year. Through our ups and downs. Our adventures and out boring phases . It was all fun and great and he really did make this year better.

I’m scared for 2018 honestly. Everyone says that the next year will be better but it seems to only get worse. What’s going on? I have so many questions and no one seems to want to answer them. Am I the only one who’s scared?

Merry Fucking Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m stuck at my call center job. I really hate it here. It’s minimum wage and you have to constantly take calls and harassing people, stay up to date with your stats, and try not to mess up. Honestly it’s too much. Plus I have my other job. My full time job pays more so idk why I’m even here. I could just walk out right now. But I can’t, and I won’t. Don’t have those balls.

Tomorrow I’ll be here for 11 hours. Marvelous. I’m getting paid over time and then after 8 hours it’s double so hell yes I’ll be here. Plus they say it’s really slow so why not. What we get paid on over time is what we should actually be getting paid . I mean this is serious business. It Doctor calls and hospital calls. What if we miss something? What if we write the wrong info? Didn’t matter matter.

Ive been feeling down for a while now. I hate being like this. I wish I could swap life with someone who is happy just to know how that feeling feels all the time. I swear I’m happy one day and then I’ll be so low fro the next 4 weeks .

I was going to help a friend move her tv from her old house to her boyfriends house. I was meeting her at midnight and she never showed up. I was over tired, sick, and sleep deprived. I knew she was going to flake like she always does but I’m just too nice of a person.

Anyway Merry Fucking Christmas.