I feel like my blog has turned into some type of teen coming of age sort of blog. For some this would be no problem. The thing is I’m twenty-three years old. Should I have my life together? Am I heading in the right direction? What is the right direction?
My friend keeps indirectly saying he wants to run away. At first it started off as a job. I would even say it. Let’s run away and never look back. But I would say all the reasons why I couldn’t or can’t. But now, when he says he wants to run away. There’s a certain seriousness to his voice.
He asked me what I would do if he just disappeared. I was caught off guard. Why would anyone ask a question like that? And I was even more upset at the fact that he’s thinking of doing it alone. Did the thought of me broken hearted and left alone not cross his mind? All the things we’ve been through? The things we said? Do they mean nothing to him?
I wish I could know what’s making him want to run away form it all. Is it college? Maybe it’s too much. His drunk father? But he provides for his family. Or his family in general? How can I help? How can I make it better?
I wonder if this is another one of his games. You see he knows how to push my buttons. And that’s fine I kind of like it once in a while. But this is too far. I want him to stay. I never want him to leave. He’s the closest thing I have, and just thinking of not having him in my life is so depressing.
So right now snapchat, instagram, and Facebook are all being flooded with post about how 2017 treated people. Some are saying that it was great and some are saying how it’s the worst year yet.
For me I’m swiping through word press and see all the 2017 posts as well. People saying goodbye to this year and hello to the next.
All the while I’m in my bed just listing to music. Doing nothing special. Not drinking, not having fun. Just boring old me in my bed. Sadly I work tomorrow but over time is over time.
I messaged a friend and told him that I really did appreciate his friendship this year. Through our ups and downs. Our adventures and out boring phases . It was all fun and great and he really did make this year better.
I’m scared for 2018 honestly. Everyone says that the next year will be better but it seems to only get worse. What’s going on? I have so many questions and no one seems to want to answer them. Am I the only one who’s scared?
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m stuck at my call center job. I really hate it here. It’s minimum wage and you have to constantly take calls and harassing people, stay up to date with your stats, and try not to mess up. Honestly it’s too much. Plus I have my other job. My full time job pays more so idk why I’m even here. I could just walk out right now. But I can’t, and I won’t. Don’t have those balls.
Tomorrow I’ll be here for 11 hours. Marvelous. I’m getting paid over time and then after 8 hours it’s double so hell yes I’ll be here. Plus they say it’s really slow so why not. What we get paid on over time is what we should actually be getting paid . I mean this is serious business. It Doctor calls and hospital calls. What if we miss something? What if we write the wrong info? Didn’t matter matter.
Ive been feeling down for a while now. I hate being like this. I wish I could swap life with someone who is happy just to know how that feeling feels all the time. I swear I’m happy one day and then I’ll be so low fro the next 4 weeks .
I was going to help a friend move her tv from her old house to her boyfriends house. I was meeting her at midnight and she never showed up. I was over tired, sick, and sleep deprived. I knew she was going to flake like she always does but I’m just too nice of a person.
I have a rant. If you don’t wont to hear it then the door is right there *points to the door*.
OK, so lately I think working two jobs is getting to me. I have been more stressed and have been more worn out. I have been feeling down. I think I need time to myself, time to go far far away with my thoughts and just think.
One of my greatest problems is giving my all to people and it seems that I never get back half of what I give. I feel so unappreciated. I feel unwanted. I do feel needed but only to be used for other people’s purpose.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of always complaining. I’m tired of always playing the victom. Why can’t I for once be the one with the perfect life. Why can’t I be satisfied with what I have. I like to think I am happy with the things I do and the things that I own, but I don’t, and I don’t want more. Possessions is not what I desire. Its peace. Its time. It’s just the feeling of being ok. But how can I have those things when all I feel is empty.
This past weekend my uncle and aunt came to visit. They don’t live close so every chance they get when they pass by or are in town they come to visit. They live about two hours away. There’s something that bugs me though every time they come.
They are very religious and he is an Elder. (Which is like a big deal in the church world). We are technically in the same religion as they are but I haven’t came out yet. Though on the side in secret I live my filthy, ungodly, homosexual life. They don’t know that. You could say that it’s kind of like two life’s kind of thing but don’t judge me because you’re not in my shoes and it’s easier to point fingers.
Anyway, this happens every time but this time it was more than usual. God hates fags. Well, that’s not what they actually said but that was the message they relayed or at least what I understood.
I don’t know how it started but someone commented on how Satan (the devil don’t know if you know him but he lives underground apparently tormenting gay souls) is trying to bring everyone to “the dark side” and how we have to be more careful then ever in these times of oversexual lust days.
Then they said how (in their tiny tiny town) some young teen left the religion because of his degrading and unnatural ways. (In other words he was gay y’all). He was expelled from church and asked never to return until he changed his ways. Seeing as it’s a small town the news was huge.
Of course everyone in the church was like yeah that’s what you get for sipping from the cup of the devil. And everyone else in town was praising the guy for coming out and finding him self . Having the courage to stand up for him self and leave!
That’s why they were upset. Not that he was gay after all. No, it was the fact that he was praised for leaving. I remember my aunt saying, “now if you come out you’re a hero. You’re applauded. It’s not like it used to be.” But, the way she said it. She sounded as her world had fallen apart. As if a part of her soul was being ripped from her. As if all humanity had just come to an end.
But what do they know?
Do they know how it’s like to grow up different? Do they know what it’s like to have feelings you’ve been told since you were five are wrong? Do they know what it’s like sitting through thousands of speeches and hearing God will never love you? Do they know how it feels when you’re being condemned for something you didn’t chose? Do they know how hard it is lying everyday that you are someone you’re not? Do they know how hard it is to struggle with something like this out side of the home and still come home to the same thing? Do they know how much strength it takes every single day to not give up? Do they?