When I Stop Trying We Start Dying

Dear Journal, 

         I was thinking yesterday about my relationships. More specifically, the relationships that have to do with love and friendships. In these two fields I have past experience in. Not a lot but enough to talk about. These experiences should not be taken by the book since I am in fact alone

          So, then why was I thinking about them? Well, there is this thing called Snapchat, and the friend I have left and I have been communicating through it everyday, because you get a streak. Which is obviously the only reason we use it. I noticed though that I am always starting the conversation. I am always the one who sends the first message, or snap. 

          Yesterday, I was somewhat busy and decided that I would let him start the convo. We usually start talking when I send the first snap, which is usually around six AM. This time it was differant. It was near noon and still no sign that he was alive . No sign that he was ever going to start the interaction of words. So I, not wanting to lose the streak we have (which is at 53 days thank you), finally decided to send a good morning snap. I did not get any other response than “gm”. Until later in the day he told me what college he had finally chosen. 

          This had me thinking. Thinking about how hard I have to work for this friendship to work, let alone last. This threw me back in time to 2011. I was dating this girl. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. I liked her, didn’t know she liked me kind of senerio. I told her the same day I was moving away, two hours away, that I liked her which made her give her confession of also liking me. Very movie like kind of thing I now. Very romantic. Boy moves back and gets the girl. 

          FYI the guy didn’t get the girl in this one. We started long distance dating and we would visit each other from time to time. The whole relationship lasted a good six months. Until, well, until I stopped trying. I noticed she would only reply with one word answers. When we talked on the phone I was almost always talking. I wanted her to speak as well so I would ask questions but they seemed to get me no where. So I ended things. You think that she would cry or try to reason that what we had could be saved but no, she simply said okay. And we remained friends. Really far friends, that only speak every once in a year. 

          The same thing happened when I started dating other people. I would notice that I would be putting so much more in the relationship that I would just stop caring. I felt so used. Not only would I give my all, I would spend my money, time, and energy in those relationships. Just to get “okays” and “yeahs”. I don’t think so. Anyone who replies like they should just burn in hell because it affects a person who over analyzes too much, like yours truly. 

          Same thing with friendships. It seems that when I stop trying we start dying. Makes me wonder. Am I really that annoying? Am I annoying at all? Do I do things that bug people? Am I boring? Or possibly irritating? 

          So basically, what I want to be understood is that I’m done trying. It’s taking to much of me to keep up with all these relationships. I have to keep it together like glue on building blocks. It’s eating at me. 

          And it sucks because every time I’m sinking in the black hole of anxiety it feels like no one cares and they don’t mind that I am no longer around. Makes me think that they never actually wanted me around. That I was just there to fill the emptiness for the mean time. It’s cruel. I need some one to try for me. To care for me. I need someone to work as hard as I will in a relationship. To give it their all just as I will. To not give up when I start drifting away. To do  something if they see that I am falling and sinking back in that black hole. Someone, just someone who cares, someone who cares enough to try



4/22/2017

You Wait For The Perfect Outcome, But We Don’t Live In A Perfect World 

Dear Journal, 

          I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time. 

          So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females. 

          Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.

          I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out. 

          My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time. 

           I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world. 

          Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us. 

4/20/2017

Monsters 

I’m sorry Journal,  

      I have been neglecting you. I want to give you an excuse and say I have been too busy, and even though that’s almost true, I really just have been putting you off. It’s really hard to be focused right now. With all my moms appointments and medical things to get ready for the surgery, from my documents on my immigration, and not to mention work. 

      First, my mom is trying to switch to a surgen she was referred to. She didn’t like the one she got. But the one that she got assigned to is the only one the insurance will cover. So now we have to go insurance hunting to see which one will cover the surgen she wants. 

       Today I went to get my fingerprints taken. No haven’t killed anyone (yet) but I guess it’s always safe to check. Everything with that went really smoothly. Fast and swell. Hopefully my work permit also comes in that fast. 

       As for work. Well there is not much I can say. There hasn’t been any new info. Although these past weeks I have been working a little over forty hours which I want to use as an excuse to say I’m tired. Today my boss mention to me before I left that, the company wants us to go in on saturdays. Yay for inventory. But I shouldn’t be sour about it. I do need the money. More than I would like to admit.  

        I hate money. I hate how it uses people. I hate how people use it. I hate how it turns people into monsters. This world is help up on money. Sad. That’s a topic for another day though. 

       Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I’ve been reading a lot of books lately, maybe I’ll get a chance to talk about them.

 

4/6/2017

I’m Grateful 

Good morning Journal, 

      I have noticed that my entries have been rather depressing. And though I can make a million excuses upon how it’s not my fault it’s the way life has been treating me, it wouldn’t make up for the way I see things. I was thinking that, yes, things have been bad lately but why not be greatful for the little things that have happened? 

      First off,  the most important thing I’m grateful for is my mother, she has been there with me through thick and thin and has always been by my side. She has made me the person I am today. And even though we are going through this (even if she doesn’t deserve to go through it) it will make us stronger. Our bond will grow and we will get to know ourselves better. 

      I’m grateful for the times I’ve spent with my family. Granted it hasn’t been much and the times have been hard. But those moments when we were together and nothing seemed to faze us, I’m grateful for those. For the little moments that we only saw each other. When we were in our own little world and nothing could touch us, we were untouchable. I’m grateful for those moments  because those moments give me strength to go on. They make me want to have more of those moments more often. 

      I’m also grateful for my heart. I know I can be a little brat, but I’m so thankful that I didn’t end up like the rest of this crappy world (mama raised me right). I care. Yes, I care about other people. Do I know them? No. But I care. I care for my friends. I care for my coworkers. I care. And I’m grateful for that. Sometimes it hurts me but who would I be if I was always going about my day like I didn’t give a fuck? I’m grateful I’m not that kind of person. 

      I’m grateful for everything I have. It may not be much but that’s ok. Not having much has taught me that earning things by your own sweat and tears feels better than to just be handed something. For fighting for what you want and not just take it. I’m grateful for that. 

     I’m grateful for my values and morals. Without them, would I even be human? 

      I know I don’t have much, but I’m grateful for the things that I do. And, honestly, I don’t think I need anything else.
 

3/29/2017

A Loser Like Me

Dear Journal,

     This weekend went just as I had planed it would be! I went out, had fun, and fell in love! Just kidding. None of that really happened (and never will to be brutally honest). What actually happened isn’t that much of an excitement. Kind of a “meh” weekend. I wouldn’t say it was bad either, I mean I didn’t die (although I wouldn’t necessarily consider that bad).  *Insert thinking emoji here*

     Last weekend I finish the series Lost on Netflix. It’s a great show but the ending sucks (FYI). One of my favorites of all time, but as I finished it, my anxiety of what I was going to binge on next grew on me. Out of all the options I chose Glee. I know gaaaay. (Its okay, I can say that). *Flips hair in a sassy motion*

     Back when the show premiered on TV I was a huge fan but I lost touch when other circumstances in life came around. (“Adulting”). Now that I have the chance I can watch the whole series and I’m proud to say that in a week I have caught up pretty well. I’m currently  on season three, episode five. (Wait should I be proud of that?)

     Anyway Journal, Saturday night I decided to watch a scary movie, since in fact it is my favorite genre in film (or so I thought). I hadn’t seen a scary/horror movie in a while, months maybe! That’s just not like me, I live to be terrified. To not know whats coming next, get goose bumps on my skin, a shiver down my back, and jump when things come out of no where. That’s my thing!

     So I put on a movie that I found that had good reviews. In short it was about a psychologist who gets brutally attacked by one of her patients, witnesses her death, and is brutally scared. She takes a two-year break and comes back well and better than ever until a patient that was brutally scared from a fire or something brings back the memory of the dead girl, (literally).

     Twenty minutes in I fell asleep. I was so mad. I don’t fall asleep through movies like that not even when I’m sleep deprived. So I asked my self, was it not that good of a movie as I thought it was going to be? Or, was I just too sleepy to continue before it had the chance to grab my attention?  

     To put these theories to the test I decide to watch Bates Motel. It’s basically the life of Normal Bates before he became Psycho. It’s a real thriller/dark kind of show. But as I watched it I saw that I was trying too hard to pay attention. In the past seasons I was hooked in the first two minutes of any episode.

     So I ask, what is wrong with me? Did I suddenly change? Why has my love for horror vanished? The only logical and scientific conclusion I can come up with is that my life is already a horror movie of its own and it has to many thrills (not generally in a good way). That the ones on a screen don’t entertain me as much. For example, I have so many things to worry about, work, my family, health, the crazy guy who’s in office, and so many more things that, sitting down and watching someone terrorize people or trying to solve a mystery before it plays out is just not as fun anymore.

     I have concluded that I can only watch comedies or comedy related melodramas. The world is already filled with dark things and to be watching more makes my life so depressing. I need more fun in my life, more laughter. The world we live in today is so dark. Watching The Office and Parks & Rec made me laugh and made me feel good. I don’t know about anyone else but I like feeling good, so now all that’s left to do is find a show that makes me smile and laugh. In the mean time I will be listening to Loser Like Me by the cast of Glee on a continuous loop, thank you very much. (It’s been in my head all weekend).

1/29/2017