In the years I have being an adult I have found that you can’t trust anyone. You can’t trust your companions, your friends, and sometimes you can’t even trust yourself.
Why is that? Why do some of us trust so easily? Oh thank you for opening the door for me, now let me tell you about my first heart break.
I don’t tend to just throw around my trust. But when I do get to meet someone that seems to understand me and see who I am, then I feel like I can trust them with secrets. I go all in. I don’t hold back. If I see in you that I can trust you, then you better be prepared.
But then again, if you break that trust. It’s down hill. I will not be able to trust as easily as I had before. What changed? Why would you betray me? How could you hurt us like that.
Trust is a huge thing. Some people have it some people don’t. Some people care for it, others just smile and nod them go off and stab you in the back.
Human interaction. We all need it. Even the most antisocial person on the planet needs basic human interaction. With out it we go crazy.
Have you ever felt that way? Maybe you live alone, took some days off work to relax. Stayed home and did nothing. Soon you crave to talk to someone.
It’s a strange feeling. The need to let your thoughts out for someone to hear. The need to see someone’s reactions to your words. The feeling you get when you get a response to what you’ve said or done. It makes you feel alive. Or else how would you know?
It’s hard to live in your head. Most of us do it unconsciously. Living day in and day out talking to ourselves. Answering questions our own minds asked us in our brain. Some of us make up people that don’t exist just to relay information and get it out of the system. Yet, who do we kid? We are just playing ourselves.
I feel this way a lot. Recently it’s been stronger than ever. I live in my head. I’ve built a strong house on a a great foundation in a lovely city there. In my head I see the world in a different way, better. Some times the outer world is just a scene in the tv in my house in my head.
That’s what happens when you slowly lose interaction with humans who once you were close with. Do you blame them? Or do you blame yourself? Coping is only part of life. It’s how we survive. It’s how we still live on with out going crazy. Or are we all just a little crazy?
I sit. Open a book, till my head back, and relax in my warm little home. Inside my head.
Is social media ruining friendships? Or in the contrary, is it helping friends get closer to each other?
My over all verdict is going to have to be that you can decide which way it will go. Social media has given us the gift of being somewhere with someone, but not actually or to be more literal, physically been there with them.
This in its own sense can be good just as it can be evil thing. You can be enjoying the beauty of nature from home through your eyes of your friends pictures. You can be at the ocean while your furnace warms up your cabin in the mid west on a cold winters day.
I know it’s not the same thing as actually bing where the picture or video was taken. But don’t you feel like your there? Or at least feel the sand in your feet, or the smell of trees , and been the wind blowing in your hair.
Then again, you can also know the exact location of your friend. Or honestly really anyone. If they allow you to see their mobile location, you can pin point where they are with an almost exact precision.
This last one has ruined my life. I think a lot. I am one of those people who asks themselves every possible question that really has no answer because they are foolish questions.
Why are they there? Who are they with? Why didn’t I get invited? Then once these questions don’t get answered, they are followed by deeper ones. Maybe they don’t want to be around me? Maybe they became bored of me? Is this their way of saying goodbye?
More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.
The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.
I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.
All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?
I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.
I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.
We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.
So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.
Yesterday was a very eventful day. I took the day off at my first job just to have enough time do do everything I had to do. I have been putting off things for so long that they were catching up to me. Plus, my mom needed to fix some issues with the medical insurance and I wanted to be there.
First we went to her old primary doctor. She’s not her doctor any more but we love her for all the help she provided when my mom was going through the tests for breast cancer. She told us to go to the county hospital to apply for a financial aid for my mothers reconstruction surgery.
Once we went there and filled out all the paper work we got approved . The girl there said that it wouldn’t cover everything but that’s fine what ever helps is good right now. After that I changed my primary care to my moms clinic and her doctor because she’s a pretty good doctor .
Later got a hair cut cause I gotta look fly. Also cooked, cleaned , and did some laundry before heading over to my second job.
I’m glad I had the day off. I did so much things other then the ones I mentioned. Having two jobs is stressful. My time is limited. And sometimes I feel like I can’t go on, but some how I do. And some how I feel like everything will be alright.