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I am no professional blogger. I’m not even a professional writer. Sometimes I miss spell words or either do not use the correct ones. I hope everyone understands what I try to say though. Although writing and reading are my most favorite things to do that doesn’t mean I’m good at them.

Two weeks ago marked two years I’ve had this blog. Two years I’ve been writing and spilling all my feelings for everyone on the internet to see. Two years that I’ve had ups and downs and written about them. My good days and bad days. All my flings and romances and even current relationships. Everything. The best way to get to know the real me would be reading my blog.

This post also marks my 200th post. For me that’s a huge milestone. But also, just to think that I’ve written that many posts, or in general said so many things, so many words and letters. It’s like an accomplishment. I’ve tried having a blog before and it never worked out. But this time, for some reason, I’ve been here.

I was going to write a post about what I’ve learned from blogging or of blogging. But, if I’m honest here, I haven’t learned much. I don’t see this place as a place to get views or followers. Sure having people that will read what you right is great! But that’s not why I do what I do. I’ve learned more about myself on this blog and I have to give thanks to it for that.

For example, I’ve learned that I’m a person who likes to express their feelings. And it’s totally fine! If you don’t express yourself, this feelings get bottled up and will eventually burst out, and sometimes you can’t control or handle the way they do. And maybe you knew that, but I didn’t.

Another thing that’s been really close to my heart that I’ve learned from this blog is that there are people out there that feel the same way as I do. Sure, you knew that , but I didn’t. We live life really blinded thinking that our situation is the only one on the planet. That’s not true, maybe there are people else where going through something that is similar to you. I’ve learned that through my readers comments and I appreciate every single one. Thank you.

I honestly do wish I would have started this blog way long ago. It would have helped me in so many ways. But I’m very great full I have it now.

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You

Why do you do that?

Why do you give yourself to people you know will end up hurting you in the end? Why do you instill all your trust in them as if they had a good reason to have it?

Why do you sit there and cry over things that maybe don’t have any meaning behind. You over think things and make them worse.

Then you come to find out it’s not even what you were thinking about. Why? Why do you do that?

Why do you hurt yourself? Is it for fun or to numb the feelings that you feel inside? Maybe it’s to just pass the time. Why do you hide that hurt like it’s something to be ashamed of?

You’re not ok, why do you bother? Get help. Wait, they don’t help. They’ve tried but it’s not enough. What is enough? Why do you make excuses? Just do it. It’s honestly really annoying. Time after time you always say you’re doing great then randomly say you have anxiety.

Attention is what you seek. Let’s be real. Everyone can see it. It’s written all over your face. You say all you want is love but what you seek is something else.

You need to stop expressing yourself like that. No one wants to hear it anyway. They’re just being nice.

Another relationship you burst into flames because your gasoline tears smothered the foundation of that relationship. I think your bipolar. You shouldn’t date, just stay alone. At least that way you can say it’s by choice and not that your exes say you’re hard to deal with.

But any who, who am I to advise. I’m the same way.

I Don’t Care If Your My Friend Or Not

I’m sitting eating at a Wendy’s close to my home. I was supposed to meet up with a friend to hang out. Wait no, scratch that. I went to his house and waited on him for a good ten minutes before telling him that I was going to leave. Soon I left.

I know what you’re thinking. How inconsiderate of me. Why couldn’t I wait for him a couple more minutes? What was I such in a rush?

I’ll tell you what. I’m done waiting for people. I literally told him at what time I was going to be there. I even told him when I left work so he would be ready. Was he? Nope.

This is not the first time this has happened with a friend. A month or so ago I wanted to see a movie and I was going to pick up a friend to go see it with me. I told her the time I even told her that I had bought the tickets. When I got to her house at the time I told her I would be there she texted me saying she was in the city next door. She told me she would be there in twenty minutes, she arrived two hours later.

I, the good person that I am, calmly waited in the drive way. Until that friend arrived two hours later. But now I see a pattern. All my friends think that because I am this super nice kind guy they can walk all over me? Oh he’s here, I’m not even ready, but it’s ok, he’ll wait for me anyways. Is this how they are thinking? Is that how they see me?

I know I’ve said this before but since the universe isn’t listening I’ll say it again, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t care if you’re my friend or not. Don’t tell me you love me so much and then cancel plans last minute. Don’t say you enjoy spending time with me but only plan things every other month. I don’t have room in my life for liars and laggers anymore.

I once went to a friends house to help her move at mid night after working eight hours at my first job and six at my second job. I was there on the dot when I told her I would be. Guess where she was? At her boyfriends house sleeping. Where was her boyfriend? The one that should have been helping her? He was out drinking with his friends. sad to say it wasn’t the first time that friend fell asleep on me.

I’ve looked into the past, I’ve reopened closed cases, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been that friend. You need a ride but don’t have any money to pay? I was there. Your boyfriend is being an ass and you just need someone to listen? I was there. Your mom is telling you how much of a failure you turned out to be? I was there.

I was there. All the freaking time, I was there. Well guess what honey, that statement will remain as is, because it’s true. I was there.

What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

Friendless Friday Night

I sit on my bed while I listen to soft R&B music. My mother is in her room tired from the walk we took earlier. I’ve taken two shots of vodka from one of the four bottles I hide in my closet. They’ve been collecting dust ever since I stopped clubbing and going out to parties. Today I figured I’d do some lite dusting.

Three months ago I bought a ticket for a rave (music EDM festival). Four hours ago I drove one of my best friends along with one of his friends with the ticket I had purchased for myself. Only I didn’t go in with my ticket. His friend did.

After having a huge fight with the friend who invited me to the rave we broke up the friendship and I was set to go alone. But my other friend swooped in and bought a ticket to go with me. Then my moms surgery came out of the blue and there was no way I’d leave her alone. So I gave my ticket to him to invite someone so he wouldn’t go alone.

Things change so much in such a short period of time. I really wish I could have gone. It would have been a blast. But maybe there will be a next time. Or maybe there won’t be. Who knows.

So many things have happened this year and it’s not even the end yet. I used to have a boring life and I thought I hated it. Now I cherish those endless nights of boredom. Those friendless Friday nights.

But at the same time I am also thank full for experiencing it all.


Last Wednesday I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We had a long four hour talk. She’s doing well, I’m doing ok. Life moves on weather you are in or out of people’s life’s.

I told her how I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality. Am I gay? That’s what I thought my whole life. Am I bi? I’ve fallen for the prettiest girl in my eyes. It’s another who knows situation. But maybe we’ll find out soon.

Now, I’ll get comfortable in my bed as I take my last shot of the night and sleep a good nights sleep and wake up for what ever life has in store for me for the rest of the year.