New Place

Friends.

I used to have many, well not many just a few, and by few I mean like two, friends. No, but in all seriousness I didn’t have many ‘pals’. I met them all in my first job. Fast food. And I didn’t really “meet” them there, I actually just reconnected with them. Some I know since school and hadn’t seen in years and some it was the first time I was meeting.

Even though it was hell working at that hell hole that will remain nameless because it deserves no promotion whatsoever I am great full of the few people I met while being there. But as time goes by and life gets to you how it got to me, we all started to drift apart. I tried reaching out but it didn’t work because I had burned bridges and there was no way of getting over it.

But the time has come, I am in a new place. Not literally of course. What I mean is that I feel somewhat better about how things are going. I have a second job on the way and my mom seems to be getting better by the day. All that’s next on my list for a better life is fix the friendships I left hanging while I was down on the grown.

I was thinking that they should be the ones coming for me. But really I was the one that pushed them away. And even if I didn’t, if I wanted them back in my life shouldn’t I make the first move as well?

Tomorrow I have a little date with a friend who just came back from spending eight months out of the country in her parents county of origin. She just came back two days ago, I think I haven’t seen her in a year now and I was really close to her. I can’t wait to see how she is doing and tell her everything that has gone on.

Also Friday. I’m hanging out with Jenny and Mina. Jenny I saw a week ago when we went to the park to walk Elis dog. But mina I also haven’t seen in a year. She said she really missed me and missed hanging out with me. My heart broke a little because I see how they all felt when I was locking them out. I have to start playing the victim and own up to the shit I have been doing. Maybe that way I can move forward.

I’m excited about this new place I’m in. On my way to a new me. Not a new me yet but I’m working on it.

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Karma, Dude You’re Failing Me

          I feel that I am a good person. At least, comparing myself to a lot of people, I know I am. But sometimes I feel that I could be a much better person. I try my best to be nice and kind and treat others the way I would have wanted to be treated in their shoes. And even though it’s said that ‘what goes around comes back around’ I feel that only applies to the bad. For example, hurt someone and then you will get hurt in the future. But then again you could also say it’s Karma. Bad Karma good Karma, I have no clue. But I’ve done good and not revived as much good back. 

          Anyway, one of my friends went to his college orientation yesterday and he had to spend the night there. It was a two day event to get to know the campus and what not. This is where I get mad. This is where I ramble on about how life sucks for me. And in all honesty. It does. 

          He messaged me yesterday morning and he sounded like it was a pain in the ass to go. I was like dude, you have the opportunity to go to college fully paid in one of the best countries in the world and get a good education and make something out of yourself and your complaining? I swear if he would have been right in front  of me I would have slapped him right in the face. 

          I feel like in these situations I have the full right to be jealous. Like I have the up most authority. Why? Well , he has a home, he doesn’t have to work, his college is paid for, and let alone that he’s is going to college period. Fuck yes I’m jealous! Or maybe I’m confusing my jealousy with anger? 


          Am I angry? It is a possibility. He is so ungreatfull. I’m fighting and clawing my way through life and he’s chilling and complaining? What kind of a friend is that? He’s privlaged. Way too privlaged. Never had to think about the future because it was simply just given to him. Everything he’s ever wanted just has always been there. He hasn’t ever needed anything because he has always had everything. 


          I was thinking the other day. And it’s kind of funny. I thought, what the fuck did I do in my past life to get stuck in this crappy one. It just came right out of the blue. But I mean it. I see bad things happen to good people. And I see bad people with all their success. Like, Karma, dude you’re failing me! I’ve been nothing but good in this life and it seems I’m In a never ending bad spiral. It’s annoying, just saying. 

          Will I tell my friend how I feel? Of course not. That would only cause more drama. I’ll just keep it to myself because I’m such a peace maker and I’ll talk to him like normal and whatever. But I’ll keep my space. It’s only a matter of time before he thinks highly of himself and leaves me behind in the gettho while he’s off making millions in who knows where doing who knows what, but that’s just the way it is. Welcome to life. 

Gabriel 

            Gabriel. You will never read this. Because the day you do you will stop being my friend. So basically, this letter is more for me than it is for you. It’s just a way to get things out of my system and pretend that I am getting through to you.

            The reason I say you won’t be my friend is not because you wouldn’t want to be. It’s because you have been told not to be. 

            Let me start by going back in time, again. I never met you but I always knew you. From church of course. I was shy and you seemed to get along with every other kid around. I was so shy that you didn’t even know I was part of the congregation even though I attend the same one as you for about four years. Until later on. When I left for good. Or I thought I had.

            We were in this religion called Jehovah’s Witnesses. I grew up there. Is wasn’t so bad. Until I realized I was gay. I always sort of knew but I never said it or admitted it. So being in this religion was a struggle. Until one day I said fuck it, and stopped going. I was maybe eighteen going on to nineteen. It hurt my mom, she was really dedicated. But yet she never knew why I stopped going to the gatherings.

            Then, my moms ex boyfriend came into the picture. Also a JW (Jehovah Witness). He started dating my mom and started giving me bible studies to see if I would go back. I did end up going back. Why? Well, for my mom mainly. And also because I had no job and no place to go. I went back knowing I was gay, but thinking I could change that. I didn’t.

            Though I did met you. Face to face. You walked into my life and it was great. I had no friends in this religion and you were the first. It was nice. When we went to church I finally had someone to talk to instead of the wall. You knew I was shy but still you wanted my friendship. Thank you. Still baffled that you call me a friend. 

            We did have our fall outs here and there but we are still, friends. But are we? You don’t even know my deepest darkest secret. What would you say if I told you I was gay? How would you see me? Would you tell me to change? Would you stop talking to me? Or would you sympathize and say it’s OK? I’ve gotten to know you all this time yet I have no clue what your reaction would turn out to be.

            You know that I have secrets. But why don’t you ask what they are? Are you scared that they will be too dark? I thought friends share everything? But, yet I know you keep things from me. And do I ask? No.

             Did you ever notice my cuts? I know I was a real professional at concealing them. Years of experience does that to you. But, if you did, why didn’t you say anything? When I was quiet why did you ask if everything was ok? Instead you tried your hardest to keep the conversation going with my one word answers.

            Did you ever notice how I was falling apart? I wanted to tell you so many things. I still do. And I wish I could. I wish I could tell you and see how you would react. If you took everything well, then good if not, then I would rewind it all back and just keep sweeping it under the rug.

            When will this cycle of pretend end? How long will I have to live this lie? Some people might say that I have to start thinking about myself and what’s best for me. And deep down maybe I agree with them. But I am not like that. I’m not like them. I look at others before I make decisions. In other words, I see how other people will get affected. And if I come out, a lot will.

            I want to thank you Gabriel for staying by my side. Because even though all my other friends left. Or better said, backed away, you stayed. You made sure to keep me in the loop. Sometimes I did wish you would stop talking to me but it was good that you didn’t. What will be our future if we continue this way?

Worst Person Ever 

            So yesterday I was supposed to go to my best friends graduation party. He’s my best friend (only friend I guess) but I’m not sure if I’m his best friend. He’s very popular and very well known. Very sociable. 

            I can’t help but think I’m the worst person ever. All day yesterday I looked for what I could give him as a gift. I got him an emoji pillow and a notebook that has line, graph, and blank paper. Along with pencils and erasers. 

            I put them in the gift bag and I was ready to go. But I actually never even went. I didn’t go. My anxiety got the best of me. It took over. How cruel is that? I didn’t go to my own best friends grad party? Do I even have a heart? 

            First, I started thinking about all the people that would be there. I had asked him before and he said he didn’t know. His parents did the invites. They even did the party at one of his other friends house because there was more space, even though his house is pretty big. Yes, I was anxious. 

            Second, I wasn’t going to talk to anyone there. Yes, I would have probably known some of them, but I’d doubt they would have come up to talk to me. They don’t at church, why at a party? Gabriel had already apologized before hand saying he was sorry if he didn’t even get a chance to talk to me because he would be so busy. I understand that. He has to greet and conversate with all his guests. Thank them for coming and the gifts and what not. 

            Third, with all that’s going on I didn’t even feel like partying. Or being social. I could barley talk to a wall. I felt like running. I wanted to run as fast as I could until not being able to feel my legs. So that’s what I did. I went outside and walked for maybe two hours. It felt good. 

            Forth, well, I am kind of jealous. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him. He’s graduated, has his college paid for, got a car from his parents, has a house to live in, got a grad party, he has it all. Does he deserve it all? I would say yes every time. He’s a cool guy. I mean, I haven’t scared him away like Eli and Jenny, yet

            I just look at my life and ask why? I have done so much and yet my life sucks. There is so much struggle. When I told Eli that my mom has breast cancer she started crying, asked the same thing. “Why are you always going through all these bad things?” she had asked. It’s like I’m plagued with some curse that won’t let me live in peace. 

            Maybe you need to try harder? Trust me, I have tried. I have given this life all I have. I have worked for everything I have. I have been the father figure for my brother. I was the strength for my mother when our father left us even when I myself couldn’t bare. In the bad times I have always worn the face of courage. I have been the strength for my family that has kept us moving forward. But I feel that inside it has all eaten me away. 

            I have been the nicest person to the meanest of people. I have helped those who wouldn’t even lend me a hand. But where is karma? Has she mistaken me for some one else?  Has she forgotten the rules to her own game? Has she taken a break? A short little vacation? Or has she simply retired letting life rule over us all? 
            Now I have to find a way to apologize to Gabriel. I don’t know how to explain to him what I feel. Maybe how I wrote it on here but it just wouldn’t be the same. 

It Would Be Nice Of You To Just, LISTEN 

            One of my friends had the audacity to call me out on social media. Snapchat, to be more specific. She captioned a picture of her face saying how her (Jen) and my other friend (Eli) still loved me and even though I “didn’t want to talk to them” they still missed me.

            FIRST OF ALL, I am not ignoring them, or not wanting to talk to them. They have not tried their best to communicate with me. I wish they would because I want to tell them everything. But if I’m not asked how will I?

             But that’s not even the main reason why I am upset. The fact that she called me out on social media was fucked up. You think, well, I think that if she really cared she would have called me or texted me. That was not the way to get my attention.

             So, I told her. I did want to talk to them I just didn’t know how. I thought that this would steer the conversation somewhere where she could reassure me that she was there for me. Instead she just said, “nigga just talk to us how you used to.”

            This, bothered me because I was trying to be real and open up to her but she just waved it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. So I told her that I did them a favor because they wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone who was broke, and sulking every second of the day.

             To that she played the victim asking if I actually thought they were that superficial. Of course not, she just didn’t understand what I was trying to say! That they go out a lot and me saying I don’t ever have money was going to get old. But I didn’t even try to explain that, I just told her that I didn’t know how to express myself.

              She told me I didn’t need to. That I didn’t have to tell them my problems they just wanted to hang out with me and have fun and laugh and shoot rainbows out of our ass, the fuck? My mom has fucking cancer you bitch, I’m not going to go out and have fun and forget that.

              Every single time I get the feeling of being happy, there is a little voice in my head that pops up and asks me, why are you having fun? As I try to answer this question the voice speaks for me and gives me a list of all the things that bring me down and cloud my memory. There is no way I can get that voice out, it’s always there. And it wont leave until my problems do, so never.

                 Jenny, I love you but you not wanting to listen to my problems really hurts me. It makes me feel like you don’t really care about my life. Because as sad as it sounds my problems are my life and they are part of me. I just can’t put them in the closet and take them out when ever I am ready to face them. They follow me around where ever I go. I can’t just put them in a box and push it to the side while I go out for the night and have fun, they will still be there when I come back. I wish you would do the opposite and ask me whats the matter. I know you can’t fix it, I know they aren’t your problems, but it would be nice of you to just, listen.