I Become Cold

Who do you call when you are at the end of your rope? What do you do when there is no one to call, because everyone is against you? Or so you feel that way.

Your best friend is supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Sometimes your best friend knows more about you than your own family does. Why? Because you tell them all your secrets. You tell them what you like, you even tell them what and who you hate.

They get to know you like the back of their hand. No, better, they get to know you sometimes better than they know themselves. You let them in your world and for a split second it’s bliss. It’s like a magical wonderland of infinite adventures. You want to spend every waking moment with them, you want to tell them everything.

But what happens when your at your lowest? When you need them? When your about to make the worst mistake of your life and they aren’t anywhere in sight?

What if they tell you that they want to be your friend, but they don’t want the responsibility of being there when you need them? Because they’re scared. Because they wouldn’t know what to do. Because it’s just too much for them to handle.

Maybe I’m too needy? Maybe I’m too pushy? But if I give you my heart and soul I expect that in return or else I become cold. I leave. I get distant. Don’t ask why. Don’t say goodbye. You knew this was going to happen. You saw it coming like reading from a book. But you won’t read the end because your to afraid of what I’ll do. Of what we will become. Of what we have become.

Advertisements

Forgiving Friend

Friends can be a blessing, but sometimes they can be a curse.

I came out to a friend a while ago. He took it pretty well. Said he didn’t see me any differently. I appreciate that of him.

But then, all of the sudden he started getting busy. Not having enough time to hang out with me and when he wasn’t doing anything he would just do nothing. He would suggest we go out, or hang out at home. All I needed was quality time together.

Then he started to be shady. I hate shady. He began being indirect. One word answers. So I did what I usually do when I’m frustrated. I started to ignore him.

I pushed him away thinking he would stop me. I stopped talking to him completely.

Why he did surprised me. He came to my house. And told me that we needed to fix this. I told him how he let me down. How I feel like he would be different. How I feel like I’m carrying this friendship on my back.

In the end he apologized and I as the forgiving friend that I am forgave him. Will things change? I have no clue. But I am hopeful. I want them to. I want him to participate more on us.

It would be nice if he changed. But then again I shouldn’t try to change him. But he needs to understand that I have him everything of me , and I except that in return.

There’s Nothing Left Here To Fight For

Emotions.

I am full of emotions. I love emotions. Feelings.

I think a lot. Some times it’s about good things and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it’s about how people make me feel. Usually it’s about how bad they make me feel. Rejection.

Right now my best friend, the one that I consider to be the closest to, is being as regular teens would call it a little bitch.

I don’t usually like to l say words like that on here because I try to be more professional but it’s driving me crazy.

Today I came to an amusement park with him, and it usually is great, I have the time of my life with him here. Today is not one of those days. On the car ride here, he was on his phone the whole time. Why?

While in line to go on rides he was on his phone the whole time as well. Specifically texting. Who is he texting? Why is he texting them? Am I that boring that he has to be texting someone else? I thought the whole point in hanging out and having fun is to have each other’s company? Why does he need to talk to someone else?

If I let him know that bothers me he’s going to think I’m too controlling, which in part I am. Or he’ll say something cheesy like, but I’m here with you and spending time with you, who cars if I’m talking to them.

I do. I demand attention. Was I on my phone the whole day? No, I ignored and still ignore everyone to give you my full attention. Yet, you don’t care enough to try to make conversation with me ? Like, all of my other friends wouldn’t have their phone out, they wouldn’t be talking to other people. They would divide their attention throughout the group that is present.

But why? I ask. Why did he do that? I was quite for some time. Not speaking much. Just giving random words here and there but not actually in the conversation. I wonder if he noticed? I wonder if he cared? Maybe he thought I was just being my blue self .

Either, he made me feel unimportant. Like he doesn’t care about our friendship. Like there isn’t even an us.

My heart hurts at the thought that our friendship has gone off the rails. That it’s all over. The flames have been put out. And there’s nothing left here to fight for.

He’s My Friend

More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.

The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.

I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.

All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?

I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.

I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.

We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.

So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.

My Friend

I have a friend, he’s been going though a lot lately. He’s been up to so much and he feels like he’s running in a race and everything is moving so fast he just can’t keep up. This friend a good person, at least to my understanding. He has done no wrong and no harm to anyone.

This friend told me what he’s going through. He said that he loves his job, he loves his family, his friends are cool. But life is just not treating him fairly. I asked him why he felt that way when everything seemed to be going well for him. He just said that seemed was the word to stand out in that sentence.

I told this friend to let it all out. He said he couldn’t. He said his friends wouldn’t know how to help him. He said his friends love him but wouldn’t understand what’s going on. He also told me he doesn’t want to make everyone feel down about his problems when they also have problems.

My friend told me he loves his family, and that’s why he’s working two jobs. He wants to save up for the rainy day that he knows is in its way. I told him to breathe and take it easy. He said he did, but that didn’t really help much. I asked him to tell me the honest truth, he did, and it scared me.

I told him that everything should get better, that it didn’t have to stay that way, he told me he doesn’t see it happening. I reminded him of all the good things he’s done and the things he has overcome, he agreed that those things have made him stronger but yet those things have also warn him done a bit.

I talked to him since our last chat. He sounds better. I asked him what changed? He said he didn’t know. He just felt different. Could it be something isn’t ok with him? Could it be he has some sort of disorder? I didn’t ask him but the way I looked at him he new what I was thinking.

As I pressed my hand on the bathroom mirror I looked into my friends eyes and told him with all sincerity that everything was going to be ok.