I feel like I haven’t talked about her for a while and she’s the most important thing in my life. Yes, at times she is annoying and frustrates me to death, but I still love her.
Last week we saw the Breast Cancer Coordinator. She was really nice and helpful trying to get us to see the plastic surgeon as fast as we couldn’t for my moms reconstruction therapy. She told us she needed all of my moms medical records.
So yesterday we went around town driving to clinics and labs picking up the records my mom requested last week. Question: why do you have to pay for medical records that are yours? I find that really annoying. That’s like your life on paper and you have to pay to obtain it. It’s really rude.
But atlas, we got them all. At one clinic they couldn’t find her in their records. My heart sort of sank. I didn’t need this at the moment. Like we need her records and the records couldn’t be found. But with the miracle form the lord or actual hard work from the medical records intern they were able to find them.
After all that my mom decided that we needed to make copies just in case they asked for them again we wouldn’t have to go through all that. So I bought some ink for my printer but apparently it’s broken now. So that was a waste of money.
I came to the local library instead to copy them. Was almost the same price as buying the ink. But what are you going to do? Things break, money comes and goes, what’s important is that my mom gets back her feel good attitude that every woman deserves . And I know that this surgery will help her.
She wants this all to be done as I do too. I really hate breast cancer. So if you have breasts, get them checked.
I’ve heard stories about it and actually seen it happen in real life, but I never thought it would actually happen to me.
Family has to have the strongest bond. You see them every day and they basically know all you deepest secrets. You’re close to them like no one else. They know what you like, what you don’t, and your deepest desires. So what happens when they no longer want to carry on with that bond?
My brother isn’t the most social person. He isn’t loud, he doesn’t make friends easily. I understand that because I know how that feels. He’s seventeen now and really unmotivated. All he does day in and day out is spend his day on his phone or playing video games.
I ask him to wash dishes, or do something that needs to be done around the house. He gets up set and does it with a bad attitude.
I wonder if it’s just him or maybe that’s how every single teen is now a days? With the advancement of technology everyone just wants to sit and not do anything. My mom and I have encouraged him to get a job but he doesn’t want to.
Now he barely talks to me. Or gives me the silent treatment. I’m not forcing him to be someone else, I just wish he was a little more motivated.
Doesn’t he think that we need help? I know my moms cancer isn’t affecting him in this way because he was already like this before we found out about the news. Even so, that should motivate him to work and grow as a person. Not sit on the couch and just shoot at aliens all day.
I told my mom that I was going to take him out to lunch and talk to him. Just brother to brother. I don’t want to loose our connection and our relationship. He’s the closest thing I have to a friend. He is family and I want us to be in each other’s life forever.
I don’t want to end up like those stories, where brothers go their own ways never to talk to each other again. That’s tragic, and awfully sad. But is it too late?
I don’t know what to feel or how. I know exactly howI should feel, sad. Maybe a little devastated. I should be on the floor hysterically crying asking “why?” Instead I feel a hole. Dark and cold. My brain scans all the possible answers to the why. I feel regret. I feel anger towards the time I have wasted. The precious moments I wasted doing things that were so worthless and now see that those moments I could have been there. I could have had more time.
I did cry. I can not put up a front and say I didn’t, that would make me heartless. I cried in private. To myself. I have to be strong.
“We have to be strong, we are going to be strong.”
My mom said when I came home. I knew she was getting check ups after check ups at the doctors. It never hit me until today. Yes, I always knew the possibility. But never assumed it to be true. Never imagined that the story would actually be played out this way.
We said we would be strong. But we know we are only humans. There is only so much we can take.
I ask myself why her? She is my everything. She has been a father, mother, friend, my conscience, and much more to me. She has such a big heart. She has done no harm to me. She hasn’t hurt anyone, made no enemies. She’s the reason I am what I am. Every kind and loving part my soul I have learned from her. She has taught me so much about caring and being a good person.
I’m not scared of death. I have never been. Death is death. Perhaps it’s because I have never seen it up close. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t blink twice. But her? I can’t picture that. What would my days be waking up with out seeing her face? How would I feel to come home and not have our afternoon talks ? What would I be when I can’t call her to ask her something? When I need her opinion? What will I turn into once I relized she’s not there to hold me when I’m hurt? To comfort me when I’m doubting? Who will guide me through this tough life? How will I be able to go on? What will be the purpose of life then? Of trying to stay alive? What will I live for?
Why am I making myself the victim ? Maybe I’m overreacting. Fuck you, if you think that’s the case. She’s my mother and if she’s gone nothing can replace her. Nothing can replace the way her voice sounds. Nothing will replace the way she knows how to make me feel better. Nothing will replace her love.
She can’t leave us yet. She won’t. We will get through this, I promise.