A Post Never Published

May 24th of 2018

Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.

I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.

So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.

I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.

I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.

So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.

But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.

The next day he messaged me;

“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.

We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?

What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.

Advertisements

My Face Reflects Calmness And Peace

It is oficial. My mother’s reconstruction Breast surgery will be the 21st of this month. As happy I am for her I am also really scared.

We met with the surgeons and anesthesiologist who will be in the operating room the day of the surgery. They explained everything that they will be doing, the risks, and the benefits of the surgery.

Basically they will be taking part of the stomach tissue along with a vein or artery and be placing it where her breast was once at. To do so they have to remove a rib to get an artery connection.

This surgery will take about ten hours. If all goes well she will be in the hospital under intensive care for three to five days. Then she will be released and be in bed rest for about a month.

Some of the risks include; the artistes getting clogged up, a hernia, and losing too much blood causing death.

But we are optimistic. Well at least my mom is. I’m staying to say string for her but at the same time I’m screaming on the inside. I’m crying and throwing things around. My mind is one of the worst hurricanes in human history. But my face reflects calmes and peace.

She is strong. I am strong. I have never met anyone in my life as strong as my mother. Her faith moves me. Her strength makes me continue. Her live fuels me. She is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. I hope to never forget that.

I Hope You Find Your Peace

Last week a coworker was making a joke that if I was to be looked for I would surely be found in the “ladies room.”

At first this did not phase me. I did not care. But then something happened. I usually leave a note of when I leave my desk, so it is easier for people to locate me. It usually reads “If you are looking for Me he is in X location.” I came back from my break and found it saying “if you are looking for Me she is in the ladies room.”

I’ve been bullied my whole life and never found a way to stand up for myself. One of my coworkers saw it and took it straight to my supervisor. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, scared that people would see this and then question my sexuality.

Today Human Resources called two of my coworkers to make a statement. Then he was called also to the office where he admitted to writing those things right before being terminated.

I don’t wish him bad. I actually wish it goes well for him. I wish him good luck. I just hope he learns from this. I hope that one day when some one is doing the same thing he did to me he is the one that stand up for them. I hope he finds his peace.

I am great full for the people who stood up for me. I hope they get blessed for this. It taught me that there are good people out there and that some of them actually do care.

If you’re out there struggling with someone who is bullying you, and just like I is too scared to speak up, find someone who can help you. Find someone who loves you and will take care of your sometimes we can’t ourselves because of the oppressor. But if we don’t stop them now, when will we?

Listen Here You Motherfucking Inconsiderate Bigot

It’s 2018 in case you hadn’t noticed. Discrimination and hate are still thriving and it looks like it’s only going south.

I’m gay. I’ve always known. I don’t come off as gay. Maybe one you get to know me you’ll ask yourself, maybe he is or isn’t? But what is it to you? Unless you want to ask for my number and ask me on a date or have someone in mind for me to date, what good is it for you to know my sexuality?

Let say you know what my sexuality is. Are you going to use that as a joke to make other people laugh? Are you going to make me feel bad for it? Ashamed? Are you going to make my work environment hostile? Will I wake up every morning not wanting to go to work afraid of the new joke you’ll have to make everyone else crack up along with you?

Well listen here you motherfucking inconsiderate bigot. You hurt my feelings for the last time. You made me doubt my sexuality and even my life for the last time. Because of your intolerance and prejudice I have suffered for too long and this time I’m speaking out. I’m not letting you win.

There Was Alcohol And Shit Hit The Fam

Last week I went to a birthday party. One of my friends said it was going to be small but it wasn’t. Nothing but small. I saw people from high school, people I didn’t know, and people from my old job. Some people sure I was happy to see and reconnect with but forgets I didn’t even turn on their direction.

That’s not the point though. The point is that’s there was alcohol and shit hit the fan. I was hanging out with a couple of my favorite friends, or the usual group I hang out with. Yes, we were drinking and there were shots and mixed drinks and all that fun stuff to pass the time. For me as long as you having fun and not causing trouble sure drink up.

But then, there always has to be a but then doesn’t there? Well, one of my friends and I went it the bathroom. Lest call her Mona. Mona and I were in the bathroom when we got a text from Jenna (yeah we’ll call my other friend Jenna). She was informing us that our other friends (married couple) were arguing and fighting and that we should come back. So we hurried up and went back and sure enough they were.

The wife was crying while pushing away from her husband and we were just there trying to walk to our seats through the thick awkwardness. We had never seen them like that. They had always been that couple that wouldn’t stop showing how in love they were. And now? They were that couple that gets drunk and fights at parties.

We decided it was time to leave. So we left and we left hungry. We pulled up to a McDonald’s and ordered food. I was with the husband and the girls had gone in another car. When the husband went to the other car he left behind a bottle of vodka he had stolen from the party. Not only that, he started to piss behind my other friends car. His wife surely felt really embarrassed.

We got our food and sat outside our cares in the parking lot once again. This time he started through it all his trash on the floor and around the parking lot. I had to clean it all up just so they wouldn’t call the cops on us. He thought it was the most hilarious thing on the planet. That’s when I called it a night.

Anyways now knowing this mini back story, let me inform you that I’ll be going tot the beach for my birthday this Friday. The same friends were going. I told them I don’t want alcohol at the beach because things might get out of hand. They were all fine with it. Then he said he’d take his stash. No I don’t want weed there either. So then he was kind of upset but he still said that it was ok.

The next day he texted everyone in the group text that he wanted mimosas. I clearly told him no alcohol. Why was he asking again? Was this a joke to him? I had a gut feeling that if I didn’t tell him something he would smuggle in some drinks and pull them out later and there would be nothing I could do at that point.

So I texted him that if he couldn’t handle not having alcohol at the beach then maybe he shouldn’t go. Superarlo he took that in the worst way possible and left our group chat and also removed me from all social media.

So when something doesn’t go your way you just block them out of your life? That’s real mature dude.

That’s enough drama for now. But there will be more.