Even though I’m having fun and enjoying life (reuniting with friends and going to Sequoia) I can’t help but have this feeling at the bottom of my stomach. And no it’s not because of the low amount of sleep I’ve been getting. It’s the fear of losing everything.
I know many people worry about losing their jobs, their family, and maybe even their life. But what if you had to lose all of that by a decision made by another person? A person who didn’t even know what you were going through? Or all the good that you have done?
On September 5th The president of the United States will give a final decision on DACA. (Differed action for Childhood Arrivals). This was an executive order given by Obama when he was president. The purpose? In the simplest of terms, it gives protection to young adult immigrants from deportation since they were brought to America when they were young and had no say.
Some of these people have no recollection of even being any where else. They were brought her to this country as children even babies and had no choice. So why would they be at fault to be thrown out of the country? A country that they have made their own. This is their home. They don’t know anywhere else.
Just imagine for a second that it was you? Imagine you grew up in this marvelous country but yet have no legal status? It wasn’t your fault? At the age of one year and a half did you agree to come here? What papers did you sign? None, because you were brought her against your will by your parents. Well, basically you didn’t have a will because you didn’t even know there were borders.
Thanks to this program thousands of young dreamers have benefited from having legal status. They went to school, got jobs, and have been contributing to the economy. If they were cut from this privilege what would happen to the economy?
I have benefited from this great program for four years now. When I heard Trump was going to remove it when he was campaigning last year that was sorta of my down fall. How will I take care of my mom? How will I pay for her breast cancer treatments? How will I put food in the fridge for my younger brother who is still in high school and is a citizen of this country? Will we get separated just because we were born in different countries? How would you feel if they took your sister or brother away from you thousands of miles away just because they weren’t born in the same place as you? What about the bills? Rent? What if I get thrown out of this country to one where yes, I was born in, but know nothing of? And my mother and brother? Who will fend for them?
I hope and pray that President Trump does not end this program. That he leaves it as is or makes it better. There are people that have much more dependents than I do. They need their jobs. And it would just be a shame to through four years of progress down the drain.
Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. Or have bad juju. Or have the worst luck in the world. Or if I get even more creative, which I have, maybe the guy who is in charge of writing my life in the book of life is just screwing with me and likes watching me suffer. Who knows? It's just a series of unfortunate events and they seem to get worse.
Today we went to the oncologist to see what treatment my mother would need. We thought we were finally going to move forward with this. Once we arrived we waiting more than usual and then once in the room we knew why.
They lost the fucking results. Ok let me explain. We have to see three doctors. The surgen, the oncologist, and the lab people. Apparently, when faxing over all the info or how ever they communicate with each other they lost the results. Well, technically not lost. They said that they are some where but they just don't know where. Hello! Definition of lost here.
The oncologist said they are trying to solve this as soon as possible. I saw the look of frustrating on my moms face and tried to calm her. She's already going through enough for this to happen and I hate seeing her down. It's like life is against us. What are we supposed to do? Roll over and die? Seems like that's what life wants.
No. We will survive. We will get though this. My mom is going to call the surgen and see what she can do. If that paper can not be found then the tissue will have to be tested again to see what type of came it is, hormonal, estrogen related, or something else the Dr. said I didn't really catch. And that testing can last for another couple of weeks.
Of course this happens to us. It's so annoying and I can't be surprised it has. After all that we have gone though what's not to be expected? But my fingers are crossed and if I have to start buying candles, a wand, a cauldron, and chant my way to a better life so help me God I will.
My soul is crushed. I feel broken. As if a part of me was no more. Memories consume me. Pictures bring me to tears. I knew this day would come eventually but not this soon.
When I got home from work this evening my mom was waiting for me sitting patiently. It seemed weird to me but she acted normal. I thought she was just hot and wanted to be closer to the AC. I sat next to her and listened to how her day had gone. How some friends come to visit her and gave her advice. One of her friends had cancer. I was glad she could help my mom with her experience and how she handled everything.
After I told my mom how my day went she told me she had news that were rather sad. She didn’t know how I was going to react. I didn’t either. I was scared nonetheless. Then she said it. My dog past away. It was like my world had sunken. Like water levels had drastically risen and were were submerged and fighting for our last breaths. I didn’t understand. I ran outside. I had to see for myself. It must have been a lie, it had to be a lie, but it wasn’t.
He laid there motionless. My best friend. The only one who was and had always been there for me. The one who was always eager to lend a ear. The one who was always happy to see me. The one I knew I could trust in. Ten years of my life we had spent together. Through the good and the bad.
And now that was all gone. He was gone. No more. I was crushed. Heartbroken. I stood there trying not to cry. trying to act mature. But with everything else going on and now this? It was nearing impossible. How do you lose a friend and not cry? How do you go through one of the hardest months in your life and not cry?
Maybe a pets death wouldn’t make some one cry like I did. But I was like a strong glass at a wedding toast that took a beating with a silver spoon. And as it continued the glass cracked ever so slightly. Each hit was less then before but the glass cracked more and more because it was becoming fragile with every hit. Until the spoon won. It was my tip of the iceberg, the last hit.
I will miss you. You were the best friend I ever had. You came into my life when I was young and needed someone to lean on. You became my friend and then soon family, to not only me but my brother and mother. I grew up with you. I’m going to miss seeing you. I’m going to miss playing with you. I’m going to miss the way you jumped up and down when you heard the bag of dog food. I’m going to miss when I would go away for a couple of hours and returned to your warm and happy trot. I’m going to miss coming home and you being the first thing I saw.
I’m sorry we didn’t get to have more time with each other. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better. Sorry I didn’t spoil you more. Sorry I didn’t give you more of my love. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the best life. I’m sorry life was this short for you. I will always remember you.
In the loving memory of Bongo. You will be missed, rest in peace in doggy heaven.
This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed.
Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work.
Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful.
I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave.
The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not.
Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot.
Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though.
I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless.
Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them.
Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by?
I am so stressed. I fear for my future. It’s hard to say what will become of me in the next weeks. I feel like i am going crazy. Multiple times I have found myself zoned out just, thinking.
Questions flood my mind, like, how will we eat? How will we pay our bills? How will we pay the rent? Will we even have a place to live? How will we move on? Can we? Can I?
I can now confirm that my back pain is do to stress. Every time I find myself thinking about things my back turns out to feel worse. I can’t think straight at work . I have been making more and more mistakes as the days go by. I have been known for not making any, now I don’t know how to explain them all. I just can’t focus. Sleep is getting harder to do. I can’t fall asleep easy and when I wake up I lie in bed paralyzed by what I have to get up to. Every day is darker than the past.
I don’t know what else to do to get my mind off all my problems. Reading and watching TV does not help. Listening to music only clouds my thoughts but doesn’t fix them. Expressing my feelings and talking to someone wont help, all they will tell me is to ‘hang in there and wait ’till it gets better.’ But its funny, because I know it wont. It can’t. They don’t know me. They are not in my situation. How can they possibly say that it will get better? How can they possibly know?
I don’t think I have ever been so close to the end of my rope. Or, maybe I have, but this time I feel that I just might let go.