Big Ball Of A Mess

The beach is a relaxing place for me. When I think of the beach I think warm sand, soft breeze, nice sound of the waves touching the shore, and the sunlight shining from above like a ray of hope.

That’s exactly how I felt yesterday. I’ve been living my life really fast lately and I needed to take a break. Going to the beach and not working about anything or anyone really felt great.

A lot of things are piling up on me. For example, my dating life, I’m talking to all these guys and I can’t chose one because they aren’t what I want. My friends, I’m trying to divide my time between all of them yet none of them want to hang out with each other. And not to mention my moms upcoming reconstruction surgery for her breast cancer. Let alone me being and dancing in a wedding. It’s all a big ball of a mess.

That’s why I needed yesterday, and I got it. I headed to Malibu with my brother, mother, and two of my church friends. One of my friends I have been estranged with for the longest time. I actually wrote him a letter on this blog. We because close told him I was gay and then he vanished from my life.

But now, it seems he wants to be back in it. When I got home after dropping him off he sent me a text saying how sorry he was that he let our friendship die. That because of his stubbornness he wouldn’t let himself talk to me or be around me. He also said how he’d like to go back to where we used to be. I’m not gonna lie, this made my heart dance insanely.

He was there for me through all of my moms stages going into the beginning of her Breast cancer like no one else was. He stayed at the hospital with me the day of the first surgery. He was a good friend. And I can not lie I want that friendship back myself.

One of the guys I dated would like a second chance. I told him we had very different views and we always clashed about something. He said how that was ok and he really liked me. I’m not sure what to do or say to him. He’s just not my cup of tea anymore, the problem is I give second chances as if they were handshakes.

Back to the beach though, at the end of the day, I’d say the last thirty minutes. I was swimming and the tides were growing in size. I was swimming like I was all day, or like I always do when I go to the beach. The only issue is that this wave came at me with an agenda. To take me down.

All I remember is being body slammed into the floor and my back giving out, I yelled under water out of pain and naturally water filled my lungs. I shot up to the surface trying to speak but couldn’t. That had never happened to me before. I ran out of the water and layer down. The water evacuated my body and that’s when I felt the pain in my back. I laid on the grown for a few minutes before returning to the water. The piercing coldness is the water felt great on my back and for a moment it was like I had never been assaulted by the ocean.

My back only started hurting once I was out again. Driving home was excruciating. Not to mention sleeping. I bought some patches to put on my back and they did help some. Now I’m sore. I didn’t go to work either. And today all that I have done is sleep. Which is good because I have been missing out on that for weeks.

Two of my friends made my day. One works at a pizza place and made a custom made pizza for me, and another at a Starbucks, who gave me a pumpkin spice frappuccino for free.

So I’m all, yesterday as much as today have been very relaxing days, and even though I semi broke my back, there’s always a bright side to everything. You just have to chose to see it.

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Best And Worst Saturday

Drinks, drunks, and good ass French fries.

This past Saturday I went out again. I know, before you start judging me let me tell you that I’m being safe (sorta) and I’m finally having the time of my life. Not holding back and not scared of anything.

This Saturday although it was great it was a little different than most nights I’ve gone out. Me and one of my friends hit up the club and chilled in the parking lot for about half an hour. Then suddenly there was a knock at my car window.

Some drunk guy wanted my friend. Since we are some bad ass bros, when my friend was asked if he wanted to dance with the guy he flat out told him no I want to dance with my friend. I thought the drunk guy was going to slice my throat open but he just walked away.

We were shook. The way the guy approached us was really weird. The rest of the night we were thinking that the guys was gonna key my car, that really killed the mood and my buzz. Not to mention the music really sucked.

Almost at the end of the night while we were dancing on the second stage, some old guy tripped and groped my friend. Like, everything bad happened to him that night I felt terrible.

He ran passed me and walked outside. I couldn’t believe it either. It was really awkward and very ugly. I saw it all happen inform of my eyes and I still couldn’t believe it.

We left soon after that. We went to eat at a taco shop and got some carne asada fries (if you don’t know what those are google them, you’ll thank me later). They were amazing!

We chilled at his house till 6am and then I went home. That Saturday was the best and worst Saturday I had been with this particular friend. He told me that I wasn’t fake and I actually am who I present my self to be. That’s basically the best compliment I have ever received.

I Don’t Remember

One more crazy night.

It seems that this is becoming a regular thing now. Go out, have fun, get drunk, and dance. It’s not a bad thing, as long as all those things mentioned before are done safely. Yesterday, was not one of those nights.

Nonetheless less I had the time of my life, (at least what I can remember). I went to a wedding rehearsal that I will be a grooms man in. It was nice and then there was music and the night got nicer. The food was good and the vibe was amazing. I had a good time there.

I could have finished my night there but no. I, being me, wanted to dance more. So I had already prearranged to meet up some friends at our local gay club. Which is now becoming a tradition, as you all can read.

I took a couple (4) of shots before going in. I didn’t think they would get to me so hard and fast. Then I had a Long Island, and a sip her and a sip there of a drink called Adios, and let me tell you, it’s called that for a reason! After that I was one the dance floor moving and grooving.

I was soon grinding and dancing all up on this guy. I had a hardcore but short make out session with him, (he was actually a good kisser, I think. Can’t really remember much).

Speaking of not remembering, after that the night was a blur. I don’t remember when the club closed, I don’t remember walking outside, I don’t remember laying on the grass, and I don’t remember getting home. But it all happened. And there’s pictures to prove it.

I lost my phone so many times. There was one point I just kept dancing until this on chick walked up and said if I had lost a phone, I hugged her said thanks and went back to dancing like nothing happened. It was a night to remember, but sadly I can’t. That’s the most wasted I’ve ever been in my entire life (and hat says a lot). I had the time of my life though and to be honest I’d do it all over again.

Dance

There are a couple of things that make me really happy. One of them is dancing. If you don’t like dancing how do you even live with yourself? Get out if that mentality, the I can’t dance to save my life mentality. If your body is moving to what ever music you are listing that is the definition of dancing.

I used to only dance in the shower, and even then, it wouldn’t even be that great. But now, I’m in clubs dropping it like it’s hot and picking it up like it’s cold. It’s great. Sure, I’m not gonna lie the alcohol does help some. A lot. But nonetheless, I’m dancing and I’m feeling free.

It’s a feeling of weightlessness. Like I’m floating or my feet aren’t touching the ground. The people around me don’t matter because I am my own happiness. I control how happy I can be. What if they stare? What if they look? What if they judge? Let them. I’m doing me and I’m having fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with acting like a fool while dancing. If you really look at it people are just flinging they’re body parts here and there and having fun. That’s all there is to it. The only time when it should matter how you dance is if it’s a competition.

So if you’re not in a competition, then get out and dance.

Skull

Party animal.

That’s one of the ways you can describe me. Or should I say that’s one of the ways I want to be described?

This weekend I watched Christopher Robin. Yes I’m a little kid at heart. It almost made me cry. I loved it. I remember watching the cartoons and the movies when I was young. The one I loved the most was Pooh’s grand adventure. Christopher Robin leaves Pooh and note that he’s going to school but he leaves it stuck to a honey pot that the words get smudged and Pooh’s friend end up thinking it says skull, and that’s where the adventure starts as they set out to bring back Christopher from Skull.

Saturday I finally showed a friend this blog. I think she’s been reading some of my posts, you guys will get to know here as Queenlynn. As I told her about my blog I really was thinking if I should just tell everyone else? Should they know what I wrote about them? Should they know what goes on in my head? What I’ve been trough? I’m going to give it more thinking and then decide.

On a different note, I met this guy on Grindr who I’ve gone to the movies before. We turned out good friends and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I of course said yes. We saw a drag show and then after danced until two in the morning. I got to meet his friend. They seem pretty cool and I swear they make the cutest type of combination as friends.

The club was awesome and I really liked the vibe. There were more people than last time. I danced all the way until they shut it down. Then we chilled at my car till I sobered up before hitting a fast food place because we were hungry. Then I hit my bed.

I woke up maybe three hours later and headed to LA with a friend to buy a suit for a wedding I will be one of the grooms men in. I’m excited to be honest. I’ve never been anything important at a wedding so this is exciting. Plus I’ve been going to a lot of get togethers where they have had dance music and I’ve been loving that.

I was tired as hell but it was really worth it. This weekend went by way too fast but it was amazing at the same time. I need to slow down though. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for the last three months and I need to gather my thoughts.