I’m sitting in a fast food restaurant I used to work at and despise. Now I’m calming eating and munching on the chicken sandwich like it was the best thing I’ve ever had.
I was supposed to meet up with a friend here to go watch a movie. She said it was way to cold and her bed was way to comfortable. So she didn’t arrive. I told her I’m going to watch this movie with or without you. She told me I was bold.
Am I? Has there never been a person that has entered a movie theater alone to see a movie? I know it sounds pathetic and the old me would have probably never thought of such a thing.
But I’m tired. Tired of people canceling on me and ruining the fun. Who said I absolutely need someone by my side 24/7? I don’t. (Don’t tell my anxiety).
If if I have to go through this life alone but do the things I want and make myself happy, then so be it. I have to stop depending on others for happiness. Because at the end of the day, I’m the only one I can trust.
I think a lot. Some times it’s about good things and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it’s about how people make me feel. Usually it’s about how bad they make me feel. Rejection.
Right now my best friend, the one that I consider to be the closest to, is being as regular teens would call it a little bitch.
I don’t usually like to l say words like that on here because I try to be more professional but it’s driving me crazy.
Today I came to an amusement park with him, and it usually is great, I have the time of my life with him here. Today is not one of those days. On the car ride here, he was on his phone the whole time. Why?
While in line to go on rides he was on his phone the whole time as well. Specifically texting. Who is he texting? Why is he texting them? Am I that boring that he has to be texting someone else? I thought the whole point in hanging out and having fun is to have each other’s company? Why does he need to talk to someone else?
If I let him know that bothers me he’s going to think I’m too controlling, which in part I am. Or he’ll say something cheesy like, but I’m here with you and spending time with you, who cars if I’m talking to them.
I do. I demand attention. Was I on my phone the whole day? No, I ignored and still ignore everyone to give you my full attention. Yet, you don’t care enough to try to make conversation with me ? Like, all of my other friends wouldn’t have their phone out, they wouldn’t be talking to other people. They would divide their attention throughout the group that is present.
But why? I ask. Why did he do that? I was quite for some time. Not speaking much. Just giving random words here and there but not actually in the conversation. I wonder if he noticed? I wonder if he cared? Maybe he thought I was just being my blue self .
Either, he made me feel unimportant. Like he doesn’t care about our friendship. Like there isn’t even an us.
My heart hurts at the thought that our friendship has gone off the rails. That it’s all over. The flames have been put out. And there’s nothing left here to fight for.
Well, one of my jobs to be more exact. It was liberating. I felt free. Unstoppable.
Ok, maybe I didn’t feel that great but I did feel some sort of relief. I didn’t call. I didn’t show up. In a way it felt like skipping school. At times, I thought to myself, at this part of the day I would be doing this certainthing at work.
When my mother woke up and saw me laid in bed she asked me if my alarms had not gone off. Or if I just hadn’t felt well enough to go to work. I told her no, I quit.
You should have seen her face. I’ve never seen someone so happy to hear those words, I quit. She smiled a warm smile placed her hand on my knee. She even told me that with God everything is possible and not to worry about bills.
I know I don’t like my moms religious side. But that comment. Those words, just got to me. I felt good. I felt great about quitting. Who said quitters never win? I had won.
I did call my former employer (feels good to say that). I told them I would no longer be coming in. The manager told me matter-of-factly, “oh, we figured that.”
That was sort of rude. I guess it showed how much I hated being there. There are something’s that are just to hard to fake.
Will I miss any coworkers there? Probably not. I didn’t get too close to anyone. I tried not to. Why get attached when your going to leave them in the past? I know I’ll be the hot topic for a while though. I know I would have been talking smack if someone quit all of a sudden as I did.
So here’s to a new journey. Less stress. And less micromanagement.
It’s a new year and its time for the whole New Year New Me bullshit. This is not the case for me though, I shall remain the same old me that I have always been. why would I change? I mean yes, I do have many many flaws but why do I have to change them for others when they wont change theirs for me?
Yesterday I took the day off from both jobs to go to Six Flags. I love that amusement park so much. There’s just something about being viciously thrown from side to side while moving at high speeds more than ten stories in the air just makes me feel like I am alive. I have to be honest, some of those rides don’t even do it for me any more. I guess you could say I am kind of an extremest.
I don’t know if I mentioned it before on here but one if not my only friend and I started a journal together. There I will as well as he will write down our daily things that we do throughout our lives. I think it’s a great idea for the moment. He will get to see what I really think, I wont hold back anything, well the fact that im gay maybe but that’s all.
The only thing that will change this year will probably be me quitting alcohol. I have seen how this liquid has ruined many people’s life. It has even put me in some bad places before, and seeing as how friendly I was becoming with it, I needed to stop while I was ahead.
At my second job, the call center, I told them I needed fewer hours, which they granted me by only giving me Fridays and the weekends to work which is perfect. I think at my first job it will slow down, not sure how that will reflect on my bank account.
Speaking of my back account. I was robbed of 260 dollars at Bed Bath and Beyond. I was checking my transactions from yesterday and noticed that one. I was nowhere near the store so I had to call immediately to place a claim and have the current card canceled before those robbers decide they might need more bath bombs or smoothing and soothing lotion for their nice soft criminal hands.
So that’s the start of 2018, still sacred but still moving on along while I have a breath to breathe.
So right now snapchat, instagram, and Facebook are all being flooded with post about how 2017 treated people. Some are saying that it was great and some are saying how it’s the worst year yet.
For me I’m swiping through word press and see all the 2017 posts as well. People saying goodbye to this year and hello to the next.
All the while I’m in my bed just listing to music. Doing nothing special. Not drinking, not having fun. Just boring old me in my bed. Sadly I work tomorrow but over time is over time.
I messaged a friend and told him that I really did appreciate his friendship this year. Through our ups and downs. Our adventures and out boring phases . It was all fun and great and he really did make this year better.
I’m scared for 2018 honestly. Everyone says that the next year will be better but it seems to only get worse. What’s going on? I have so many questions and no one seems to want to answer them. Am I the only one who’s scared?