Bipolar Decisions

Some of my friends know that I am very bipolar with my decisions. They don’t even flinch when I contradict myself anymore. Let me tell you, I’ll be so set to do something then the next week I’ll be so against it. I’ll swear I won’t be one way then act exactly that way when I turn around.

I wouldn’t say it’s hypocritical of me, although it really does sound that way. But, I will practice what I preach for so long before I go around and do the opposite. It’s a strange way to live but I’ve been living that way for so long. It’s a custom. Some people even expect it.

The friend that I talked to at the park a couple of weeks ago asked me what I was up to. I told her I was more into my religious side. I made a joke and told her I’d be back to my crazy ways soon and they would be crazier. And it’s true, every time I leave that lifestyle then be religious for a few months then go back and I’m wilder than before. She didn’t even flinch, she just nodded and said that they know my bipolar ways.

Why do I do that? Who knows, I’m not a phycologist. I don’t study brains and human habits. All I know is that I am like this. Do I mind it? At times I do because it’s tiring going back and forth.

It’s funny because every time I go to either side I say I’ll stay there. But I eventually go back to the other. I should be studied. I should be looked at to see why I function this way. I would be up for it. Till then, it’s like a game of catch, and I’m the ball.

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It’s Never Personal, It’s Business

I want to live on the beach. Where it’s always warm and sunny and the weather makes you smile by just breathing.

Of course that’s everyone else’s dream as well. Or for the most part, almost everyone. I was talking to a friend, or better said, to many friends that I’m bored of my daily routine. I want change. I want better.

Is it possible? Yes. Will I do it? Who knows, maybe I will but I just don’t have the initiative. What I have noticed is that people who usually get what they want is not because they deserve it. Sure, there are some people that have got what they really deserved.

But life isn’t fair. Life is a fucked up game, and sometimes you have to cheat. Sometimes you hav to do things that you wish you didn’t, but that’s the only way to get ahead. It’s not the way it should be, but it’s never personal it’s business.

I Don’t Have The Answer

I’m sitting in my car outside of my local Starbucks.

I bought an ice tea to calm my nerves. Extra sugar light ice, just how I like it.

Yesterday I went out with a group of friends to eat at Applebee’s. It was nice. I tried my hardest to steer the conversation to anyone other than me. They are all doing well and they seem really happy.

One of them invited us to a party that’s going on this very second. I told them I might go. Of course that’s code for thank you but no. I don’t do parties.

I arrived home around midnight and woke up 4 hours later. Another friend texted me at midnight and I responded thinking she would be asleep. She replied almost immediately.

She wanted to talk about her boyfriend. Like always I’m everyone’s punching bag. Their safe place to vent. I’m always there for them. So I told her ok.

I met her at the gym and I told her I couldn’t go inside. She said it was lonely because it was 5AM. But still, having people stare at me while I work out just didn’t appeal to me. But suddenly I’m inside walking next to her on a treadmill.

She told me how her boyfriend got drunk with his friends and left her out to dry. This happens often, so it didn’t come out as a surprise. The thing is that she’s over it. She made a total mess in their room.

Later on in the day she called me crying saying that she got kicked out and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her. I was there for her and listened to her.

The friend that I came out to has been really distant. But then again he doesn’t show his emotions. It’s like he’s a wall. No, I have better conversations with walls.

He snap chatted me , life is good.

I started crying. I started gasping for air. I felt as if I as inside a balloon. Digging my fingers through rubber trying to escape. The air felt so thin. Heat burned my ears and my hands dripped with sweat.

There was a point when I didn’t even have tears. It was just the sound of pathetic sobbing. Out loud I heard someone repeat, I’m tired, over and over. I shortly realized that it was me.

My brain is playing me. My brain is tricking me into feeling things I do not wish to feel. I ask myself, how do I stop this? But like always I never have the answer.

If You Have Breasts, Get Them Checked

Let’s talk about my mother.

I feel like I haven’t talked about her for a while and she’s the most important thing in my life. Yes, at times she is annoying and frustrates me to death, but I still love her.

Last week we saw the Breast Cancer Coordinator. She was really nice and helpful trying to get us to see the plastic surgeon as fast as we couldn’t for my moms reconstruction therapy. She told us she needed all of my moms medical records.

So yesterday we went around town driving to clinics and labs picking up the records my mom requested last week. Question: why do you have to pay for medical records that are yours? I find that really annoying. That’s like your life on paper and you have to pay to obtain it. It’s really rude.

But atlas, we got them all. At one clinic they couldn’t find her in their records. My heart sort of sank. I didn’t need this at the moment. Like we need her records and the records couldn’t be found. But with the miracle form the lord or actual hard work from the medical records intern they were able to find them.

After all that my mom decided that we needed to make copies just in case they asked for them again we wouldn’t have to go through all that. So I bought some ink for my printer but apparently it’s broken now. So that was a waste of money.

I came to the local library instead to copy them. Was almost the same price as buying the ink. But what are you going to do? Things break, money comes and goes, what’s important is that my mom gets back her feel good attitude that every woman deserves . And I know that this surgery will help her.

She wants this all to be done as I do too. I really hate breast cancer. So if you have breasts, get them checked.

Scared For 2018

So right now snapchat, instagram, and Facebook are all being flooded with post about how 2017 treated people. Some are saying that it was great and some are saying how it’s the worst year yet.

For me I’m swiping through word press and see all the 2017 posts as well. People saying goodbye to this year and hello to the next.

All the while I’m in my bed just listing to music. Doing nothing special. Not drinking, not having fun. Just boring old me in my bed. Sadly I work tomorrow but over time is over time.

I messaged a friend and told him that I really did appreciate his friendship this year. Through our ups and downs. Our adventures and out boring phases . It was all fun and great and he really did make this year better.

I’m scared for 2018 honestly. Everyone says that the next year will be better but it seems to only get worse. What’s going on? I have so many questions and no one seems to want to answer them. Am I the only one who’s scared?