What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

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A Post Never Published

May 24th of 2018

Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.

I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.

So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.

I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.

I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.

So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.

But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.

The next day he messaged me;

“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.

We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?

What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.

Change

Life changes so much it’s crazy. And sometimes those changes are good, and sometimes they’re not. People come and go out if your life just as more come in. Sometimes you’re surrounded by them and others you don’t know who to turn to.

This year for me has been filled with changes. From losing friends to meeting new ones. Being in relationships to breaking up and having a heart broken. Not to mention everything going on with my mother’s surgery.

To me, change is good. Change is an opportunity to learn new things and to also grow. Plus, I get really tired of always doing the same routine over and over again.

Recently I’ve been feeling like I need change. More in specific regarding my work. I don’t hate it, it’s not hard, and it’s not a terrible job. I work in a very decent place and everything is fine. But is it bad that I want to change that? I want to change it for something better.

I want to grow, I want to expand, and maybe even pursue my dream. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t see myself working at my job the rest of my life. I know a lot of people think that way but no one actually does anything to change it.

But I will.

Bipolar Decisions

Some of my friends know that I am very bipolar with my decisions. They don’t even flinch when I contradict myself anymore. Let me tell you, I’ll be so set to do something then the next week I’ll be so against it. I’ll swear I won’t be one way then act exactly that way when I turn around.

I wouldn’t say it’s hypocritical of me, although it really does sound that way. But, I will practice what I preach for so long before I go around and do the opposite. It’s a strange way to live but I’ve been living that way for so long. It’s a custom. Some people even expect it.

The friend that I talked to at the park a couple of weeks ago asked me what I was up to. I told her I was more into my religious side. I made a joke and told her I’d be back to my crazy ways soon and they would be crazier. And it’s true, every time I leave that lifestyle then be religious for a few months then go back and I’m wilder than before. She didn’t even flinch, she just nodded and said that they know my bipolar ways.

Why do I do that? Who knows, I’m not a phycologist. I don’t study brains and human habits. All I know is that I am like this. Do I mind it? At times I do because it’s tiring going back and forth.

It’s funny because every time I go to either side I say I’ll stay there. But I eventually go back to the other. I should be studied. I should be looked at to see why I function this way. I would be up for it. Till then, it’s like a game of catch, and I’m the ball.

Ghosts Of Halloween Past

Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.

This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.

Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.

I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.

What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.

Just another Halloween.