Alone

Yesterday as I was coming home from work from my second job when I burst into tears. I was so full of emotion, I was so full of feelings, and I think things were getting to me. Working two jobs is already stressing but let alone having life throw you curveballs is just some other type of bullshit.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m actually doing what I am and I am actually accomplishing everything I’m trying to. But there are times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about all my shit. Be as real as I could with them. Tell them all my darkest secrets, without them undermining my problems.

My friends are great I love them. I have a great time with them. But that’s all, a great time. Just fun fun fun. I want to be real. My family. I am the rock . They can not see me feeling down. They cannot see me give up. I have to be strong for them.

So who do you talk to when you feel this alone? I’m not saying I want to cry to someone, no. I want to have a real conversation. A real connection. One with words and head nods. One where a simple gesture will tell so much. I know it won’t solve it. That’s not why I want it. I just want to be listened to. To be heard. To get things off my chest.

I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. This is much deeper than that. This is heart to heart. The things I have to say aren’t for people who will use it against me when they first can. The things I have holding me down are things so personal to me. So personal, so private, so deeply hidden, that they make me feel alone.

I’m like the ocean. Cool, calm, and collected, always shining best when being hit but the rays of the sun. But then night falls and waves will hit, bringing down anything in its grasps. Creatures will come out and cause havoc. The coldness of the water freezing over the warmest of hearts. Dark, scary, sometimes angry. But most of all, alone.

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You Are A Badass

Ok so I have made it through yet another week of working 80 hours in one week. Some times I feel like I can’t go on and then I say to myself, hey you! You are a bad ass. Look at you, working two jobs, taking care of your family, getting those bills paid, and still manage to have a social life. You got this. Keep it up.

My new position at my first job has not brought any struggles or challenges yet but I figure they will soon. No good thing last long.

Yesterday I went out with some close friends to Applebee’s for their one dollar margaritas. I had two. They were pretty strong and I enjoyed both of them . I always enjoy the time I spend with them.

One of my friends was kind of grumpy since it was close to midnight but we still had a good time.

I bought a self help book. It claims to help you out to Life life in an awesome way. Don’t know what that means. I bought it thinking it would help me be more outspoken or less shy, maybe it will. I looked at many books but this was the one that I liked . I think it was mainly because of the tittle, Your are a Badass.

So far it’s really funny but hasn’t really helped me out much. Maybe once I’ll get more into it.

Other than that this week has flown by. I keep say dam my life is passing by so fast. And it is. Too fast. Wish it would slow down just a tad bit, so I could enjoy it a little more .

Movin On Up

Good news!

I have been promoted at on of my jobs. Yesterday was my leads last day and even though there were rumors that I was going to be getting her job I still didn’t believe it. It felt to good to be true.

Well, technically I didn’t get her job. But, I did get a tasker position which is the exact same thing with a different title.

So now I’m head of the inventory department. It’s funny cuz it’s a small department. Just me and one more person, Ricky. Though, Matt (my manager) did tell me that they were going to hire more people so that’s going to be fun. Can’t have a team if it’s only one person.

I’m glad that I got the position seeing as money is short right now. I would have been very disappointed if I wouldn’t have gotten it. There were rumors that they wanted to outsource for the position but I am the most qualified for it seeing as I was my leads Minnie Me.

Today I went with my mom to IHOP to celebrate. I told my brother to join us but he said it was too early. He was just being lazy, I’d like to rant about that but that’s a different post.

Anyway I’m excited and happy can’t you tell.

Swiper, No Swiping

I did it. I mean I really did it.

I deleted all my dating apps. I only had them for about two weeks but they were starting to take over my life.

Wake up, swipe, eat, swipe, drink, swipe, sleep, swipe. There was just too much swiping. I was getting matches left and right not to toot my own horn or anything.

They were mainly for hook ups but I did have some cool conversations with some of them. Even added them on social media .

But since I’m looking for love and I was not seeing a hint of that I had to let it go. I don’t think I believe in apps for relationships anymore. I don’t think I ever did I just really wanted it to happen. And it didn’t so my theory was proven right.

I always felt like dating through apps was too mechanical. As if you are trying too hard to find love. Love is supposed to happen just because right? Not on some app with some stranger that just happened to swipe right because he was like “eh he ok.”

So now I’m open to what ever. A friend says they have someone in mind for me , show me. If we happen to cross each other’s path then so be it. But I’m just really tired of trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Say Goodbye To Your Little Friend

Ok y’all, we need to talk about something NSFW. It’s about dick pics. Yes, the unsettling picture of a males genitals in full screen on your phone.

Never did I think I was going to be the victim of such a disgusting fad. But seeing as I had downloaded some dating apps it’s a wonder why I am so shocked that I have.

So that guy that I was supposed to see on Saturday (who mysteriously lost his phone for like 4 days) sent me a good morning picture or should I say a wood morning picture.

I open the picture in the hopes that he would apologize for not responding to me for like 84 years but no, god no. He thought that sending a picture of his little friend would make up for everything. Ew no, like, say goodbye to your little friend for me will ya? What kind of world are we living in where this is ok?

Ok yes I’m gay. Ok yes that is a physical part on a man that I am attracted to once in a while but NO I do not want to see that all up in my phone right when I wake up. I’m like we haven’t even met Dude. Buy me a coffee first or something. Excuse the pun but, how Cocky do you have to be to do that? Do you really think that your little guy is so extraordinary that you need people to see it as soon as they wake up?

I responded to him with “idk what I’m supposed to do with that,” and he responded with a smart ass dirty comment. At this point I’m almost done with dating. I can’t find a guy who will just say, “hey my name is Prince Charming and I liked your bio, we should have coffee.” Is that too much to ask?