Innocent Faithful Christian

I went to a party yesterday.

I’m not a party person but I really like the Birthday girl. She’s one of my closest friends. I got to see a lot of people that went to high school with us. She’s really popular so she knows almost half of our city.

The thing about it is, living a double life. Sure I had the time of my life yesterday. But I’m worried about the pictures taken. Who will see them? Will any of my church companions know of the party?

I go to this church where they have strict rules on everything. They live their lives by the Bible. And even though I love God sometimes I am not able to abide by all his rules, and I recognize that.

So I’ve lived my life in two worlds. One, where I’m an Innocent faithful Christian. The other, where I do as I please and live my life to the fullest.

Where and when will this all end? Will things catch up to me? Will someone catch up to the lies?

I know deep down inside I will have to chose a side. I will have to pick what life I want to actually live. And I know doing so many people will be disappointed. That’s just the way it is.

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I Went Alone

Alone. No one wants to ever feel alone, or be left alone. Sure, there are times when you are in a room full of people and all you want for them is to just leave. I get that. But, even after a while by yourself, you will start feeling that feeling of wanting someone by your side. Or maybe you need the support and the extra courage you get when you are with someone else rather than when you are alone.

I was invited to this music festival a while back while I was walking my dogs. Some young girls maybe in their early twenties came up to my brother and I and gave us a flyer. It said ESCAPE on it. It only had the date, time, and address. So of course, it looked intriguing.

I was really looking forward to going. I told one of my friends that loves to go to raves, she said she would try but eventually she said she couldn’t make it. I was going to go with my brother originally but he said he didn’t want to go any more.

I went alone. I thought I was going to have fun, maybe meet new people and possibly make new friends. So I drove there but when I arrived it was a different story.

There were people there don’t get me wrong, it was only fifteen minutes into the festival. It was indoor, so I saw people walking in through the side door, I really wanted to go in. I just parked and stayed in my car. My social anxiety got the best of me once again.

It has been a while since I get anxiety like I got yesterday. I am usually open to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, but this time it was different. I just couldn’t muster up the courage to get out of my car and walk in there.

It surprised me, I have been more outspoken lately and more out there. So not being able to go to this alone was like a step back. Yes, life has been changing for me in the last couple of months, I lost a friend, my job is going through changes, and I have need stressed over my mom’s surgery. But I have always placed these things in the back of my head telling myself that everything is going to be ok.

Is it that my brain has fallen back again to my pessimistic ways? I won’t let that happen. The person I used to be was letting people walk all over me, that gave me such an awful life. Always sitting in the back seat, always waiting to be called. I can’t be like that, I have to break the mold. I will break the mold.

Let Go

I’m letting you go,

I’m setting you free

All this time all I wanted,

Was for you to be next to me

Never said goodbye

You always had to stray

So then you left

Because you never learned how to stay

Now you act like nothing

The burden is left on me

Like nothing has happened

Can you even see?

I miss you forever

Nevertheless let’s leave it alone

Although it’s better together

Let’s move on and just go

Those Times Are Over

I’ts official, I was fired from my job yesterday, or in other words “let go.” This Monday I will go back to the same place and do the same exact things, the company will just be called something entirely different.

 

One thing I do wont to change is the department I work in. There are two bitches that everyone hates and don’t want to work with them. I am one of those people. They always want to get their way and they will do the impossible to do it.

 

There are two posting up for other departments that I will be interviewing for next week. I hope I get at least one or the other, if not then I will have to ask for a transfer.

 

I just came back from my trip a week ago and I just barley had time to rest. I have been sleeping on and off for the past fifteen hours. My brother graduated this past Thursday and I am very excited for him to start his future. I really wish and hope he can get a job to help out with the bills and other necessities.

 

My best friend has completely stopped talking to me. I know its because I am not spiritual, but if I am not why wouldn’t he help me be so? f I ever do become spiritual once again will he then be my friend? That’s not how I want it to be. I had great times with him but those times are over, sadly.

 

 

Memorial Day Weekend

This Memorial Day weekend was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while.

I had a mini road trip with two of my friends. It was planned two weeks prior to us going and everything seemed like it would go well. I told one of my friends to expect something to go wrong. We don’t live in a perfect word, there for the road trip wouldn’t be perfect, and something was bound to happen. Which it did.

It was a trip from California to Wyoming. We passed Nevada, Arizona, and Utah. While in Utah I was stopped by a cop for speeding. I thought great the first hurtle. It wasn’t even a big deal. The officer let us go with a warning and he was super nice.

Thinking I learned my lesson the first time I continued driving, but at the same pace as I was before. I was hyped, I was excited, and I was sleep deprived. We were on 15 hours of continuous driving. So of course I was speeding.

The second time I got pulled over was in Wyoming. We were so close to getting home and then all of a sudden shinning red and blue lights lit up my rear view mirror. Sure enough it was another cop.

This time he asked me to follow him to his car. He asked me to sit in the passenger seat while he looked up some of my information. I was so nervous, I thought for sure that something was gonna happen to me this second time.

But as luck would have it, he was so happy and talkative. He asked me questions about myself and where we were going. He said we should check out Mount Rushmore. He let me go off with another warning.

One of my friends was freaking out. She said no to many bad things are happening. This trip is bad.

I had to try to calm her down but she wouldn’t budge. Of course before getting pulled over the second time I kinda fell half asleep and drove off the road but nothing happened, that didn’t help the situation though.

Once we were forty minutes away from our destination we got a flat tire. It was the funniest thing.

I told one of my friends, this trip is like the journey of my life. Every obstacle and hurtle is in my way, but I still manage to get through it. I still manage to pick myself up and move along.

I like the way I’m looking at life right now. It makes me enjoy it more and I can relax. Life is a journey, we all have the same destination. Death. So just enjoy the way there, because the destination isn’t really that important.

Any who, we made it to my friends aunts house and stayed for 2 days. We were able to see Devils Tower. It has a pretty cool history to it.

We also saw Zion in Utah. And from there drive home. So over all this was a great road trip.