Animosity

Humans are really difficult.

 

We all have different ways of expressing our emotions and sometimes we don’t know how to decipher everyone else’s.

 

For instance there has been many times that I am left on read (for the older audience that means that I send someone a message and they do not reply, but yet they have seen the message), its not a good feeling and sometimes my mind wonders why they did that? Did they not want to talk to me? Are they tired of me? Do they even like me? None of these things are probably true but that is what my brain is trained to do because I have allowed it to .

 

Another example of how difficult humans can be is that sometimes they do things that you don’t even understand. Take for example my friends, about six of us were set on getting together yesterday to eat some sushi at this fancy place everyone is talking about. Did we? No. Why? Because 90% of them canceled , so it was only me and another friend.

 

Why they canceled last minute and decide it was ok, I have no clue. But this is where I get to my point, as complicated and as difficult as humans can sometimes be, is it up to us to judge or even get mad at why they do the things they do? Maybe they has a rough day and wish to not speak to any one, or maybe they just aren’t in the mood even if nothing did happened to them.

 

I forgave my friends for canceling, and I feel that we need a little more of that in this world. Every once in a while I hear, “well maybe if she wouldn’t have done that we would still be friends.” Ok, true, but maybe if you would have just forgiven her you guys would still be friends. (Depending on what she did to but I mean if you really want someone to stick around and they want to be there and ask for forgiveness why not give them a second chance?) There is so much animosity towards everyone today and it needs to stop.

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Full Throttle

I am on a social spiral and it’s going upward.

On Friday one of my friends asked if I wanted to go eat sushi, of course I said yes because that’s my weakness. One of my other friends had asked if I wanted to go see a drag show and I had told her no but since I was going out for sushi might as well go full throttle on the whole night.

Sushi was great like it always is. The drag show was amazing. I loved seeing them dance and “sing” and just have fun! After that we danced on the dance floor and I had only one drink. The vibe wasn’t the same as the other club I had gone to the previous week but it was still good. We danced for a while before going home.

One the way home, my friend who knows about his blog (hey girl) and is a raver was talking about the one she’s going to this upcoming weekend. It’s called Hard Summer. I remember she’s always tried to get me to go and I’ve always lagged but since I’m in a yes kind of mood I said yes. Not to this one but one that’s called Escape.

It’s theme is Halloween. She’s planning to be Princess Peach and I’d be Luigi. (Of course a slutty darker version of them). Once I posted on social media that I was glowing I was spammed by all these people that I know are going to or that at least want to try to go and some of them in my closest circle of friends. So I really hope they can go.

On another note, yesterday I told a friend about this blog. I didn’t give her the address or a way to look it up, just simply told her that I had one. She suggested that we make one together. About us, our adventures, and our life stories. Kind of something motivational. So stay tuned for that!

I also went on a midnight date but that story well save for next time.

Big Talk

I was looking back the other day on how far I have come. Not in the sense of success but in the sense of growth. Growth as a person.

I remember not too long ago I hated parties. Just the thought of going to one made my back shiver and gave me goosebumps all over my body. The thought of interacting with people I have never me just drove me crazy. I would ask myself, why would anyone talk to someone they don’t already know?

 

But, in reality we have all have talked to someone we don’t know. That’s the only way you got to meet the people you know very well now. You know them very well now, but at one point or another you never did. And now you talk to them not even remembering how terrified you were of starting the conversation in the beginning.

I guess what I am trying to say is how much I have changed. In this world, you really can’t be antisocial. Please, don’t get me wrong, I always get those doubts like, will they like me? What if I say something I wasn’t supposed to say? What if we have nothing to talk about? Will they want to be my friends? Will they think I’m weird? And about a million other questions always run through my mind.

 

But it’s the way I answer those questions that really gives me confidence. First, who cares what people say? Sure, you do, but if you are looking for their approval are they really that worth it? It reminds me of college frats. You must go through all these hoops and humiliating things just to join the club? Hell no! Be in a group that is accepting that will invite you to be part of them, if they don’t want you then they are missing out on one great person.

Second, there’s always that awkward silence when you first meet someone. You either don’t know what to say or you don’t want to say something that will upset them. Ok, well if you go back to the previous paragraph we literally just said “who cares” right? So, if we think like that this will take some pressure off. Ask them anything! Enough with the weather bullshit, we all know that its hot and its cold and global warming and shit, let’s talk about where you grew up, why you are the person whom you are today, what are your goals and dreams in this life? If you had one day left to live what would you do? No more small talk lets big talk!

I have learned that connecting with people and seeing that really everyone has fears and aspirations it has helped me come out of my shell. Sure, I’m not going to go talking to everyone I meet but if someone wants to talk and connect then yes, I’m all for it. And I know if I can do it, so can you.

One Week

What I thought was going to be a romantic summer novel turned out to be a short lived short story.

This past Monday I went over to my lover’s house (I guess we can call him that), and we talked all night. We had a fight during the weekend, I wanted him to come with my friends to the club but he wanted to go to the movies, and watch Mama Mia. I told him no, and that I was going to go with my friends with or without him. So for this weekend (our first and last weekend) we went apart.

It was not until Monday night that I understood why he wanted to spend so much time with just me. I though he was leaving in the beginning of August, but he’s actually leaving this Saturday.

My heart was torn. I knew he was going to be leaving so I was prepared but now having him tell me that is was going to be sooner really dug a knife in my heart. For me two weeks seemed like an eternity, like we had all this time in the world to do all the things we wanted and still have time to relax, but a week? One week.

He started telling me how we could make it work, relationship wise. He could come down one weekend and then I can go up and visit him the next. He said there are so many ways to stay connected without physically having to be close. This broke my heart, it truly did.

I am those people that needs attention to survive. Don’t get me wrong I’m not needy but I like to feel the person I’m with, I like to be next to them, I like our skins to be touching, I want to feel their warmed, I want to look them in the eyes and hold them. There is no technology that can replace a physical person.

Aside from all that, we meet new people in our life’s all the time. He’s going to be meeting new people for sure, new city, new job, new everything. I don’t want that in the back of my head. Always asking myself, who is he with? Who does he talk to? What is he doing? I can’t live that way. So I told him I couldn’t and I was sorry.

He started crying as did I. It was the hardest no I have ever said in my life. After our emotions were clearer we talked about just being friends, I know it sounds cheesy but that’s what we did. We talked about visiting each other and staying connected yes, but not in a relationship kind of way.

He’ll always be in my heart. I never connected with someone on the level that we did so I’m glad that he will stay in my life, and maybe is destiny and fate ever have a brunch date where they talk about us, maybe they’ll decide to put us on each others path again.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went clubbing.

Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.

Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.

We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.

Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.

I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.

I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.

I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.