Not For You, Not For Them, But For Me

Two weeks ago, I made an elaborate plan to take my life. This is my story.

Never in my life have I felt so low. Yes, considering all things I had thought about it many many times before. Had I ever acted upon it? No. This time it was different. This time, I was way to close.

It has taken me two weeks to come to terms with everything and finally write about it. Not for you, not for them, but for me. I need to let it out. Let my brain know that even if I don’t know you, at least you have known what I’ve been through.

My life has always been stressful. But these past couple of weeks of been the hurricane to the normal storms I was having.

With my mom’s reconstruction surgery coming soon, work problems, religion, and my best friend suddenly turning his back towards me, I saw no other option at that point.

I was tired. I was humiliated. I was worried. I was scared. All my options had all run out, or so I thought. So what would you do standing in a cliff when your heart is the one screaming no but your brain shouts louder walk.

I cried. Cried so hard there were no more tears my eyes were able to give. So hard that my lungs did more work in my life than they have ever done while running. Face red, cheeks sore, throat horse, I fell asleep.

My indecisiveness finally came in handy. The day I awoke I felt better about everything. Like I had gotten a second chance. Nothing changed. What changed was the way I viewed them.

My friend came to apologize. I forgave him on the spot. We all need forgiveness. We should not be walking around this life with extra baggage when we already have so much to carry.

I won’t say things will get better for anyone. Because, honestly, sometimes they don’t. All I can say is what can get better, is the way you view them.

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