He’s My Friend

More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.

The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.

I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.

All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?

I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.

I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.

We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.

So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.

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2 thoughts on “He’s My Friend

  1. Recently I received a call from my neighbor, I mean my ex neighbor back when I lived in Puerto Rico. She is my friend since I have memory. That call was unexpected in the sense that she didn’t need to explain me nothing but she felt that way. So there I was to hear her. She told me that she in a relationship with a girl and she ia happy etc… And I was like yeah girl! She was in shock. She thought I was going to jugde her or something. I was proud for her finally find her happiness and not to be afraid of what people thinks. I have a lot of gays/les friends this is normal for me… But for her not that much. I felt like a relief when she finally told me. Because now we finally can speak without a barrier. very open. I just want to share this with you. sorry if you read a mistake. I’m writing on my phone. Good Luck with your friend… and in general. love always win.

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    • Thank you so much. Yes it’s like a wall has been brought down and we can finally speak about everything. There’s just some things we are afraid of. We honestly need more people like you in this world 🙂 thank you very much .

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