Yesterday as I was coming home from work from my second job when I burst into tears. I was so full of emotion, I was so full of feelings, and I think things were getting to me. Working two jobs is already stressing but let alone having life throw you curveballs is just some other type of bullshit.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m actually doing what I am and I am actually accomplishing everything I’m trying to. But there are times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about all my shit. Be as real as I could with them. Tell them all my darkest secrets, without them undermining my problems.
My friends are great I love them. I have a great time with them. But that’s all, a great time. Just fun fun fun. I want to be real. My family. I am the rock . They can not see me feeling down. They cannot see me give up. I have to be strong for them.
So who do you talk to when you feel this alone? I’m not saying I want to cry to someone, no. I want to have a real conversation. A real connection. One with words and head nods. One where a simple gesture will tell so much. I know it won’t solve it. That’s not why I want it. I just want to be listened to. To be heard. To get things off my chest.
I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. This is much deeper than that. This is heart to heart. The things I have to say aren’t for people who will use it against me when they first can. The things I have holding me down are things so personal to me. So personal, so private, so deeply hidden, that they make me feel alone.
I’m like the ocean. Cool, calm, and collected, always shining best when being hit but the rays of the sun. But then night falls and waves will hit, bringing down anything in its grasps. Creatures will come out and cause havoc. The coldness of the water freezing over the warmest of hearts. Dark, scary, sometimes angry. But most of all, alone.