Dating And Dying

So in the hopes of getting my love life back on the road I downloaded two apps. I know, not the ideal way of looking for love but what else is there to do? Clubs, eww. Bars, do people still do that? Just randomly? This ain’t no fucking movie.

I made my bio really bubbly and full of joy and humor. At least I thought it was funny.

Here’s what I wrote. ⬆️

I thought I was going to get a lot of messages but I think people are more superficial than interested in what I have to say. It’s a sad world we live in. On both apps I managed to actually keep in touch with 2 guys. They seem pretty normal and actually ask questions to get to know me and participate in a conversation.

Buuuuut, there is a third guy on one of the apps that’s really shady. Don’t get me wrong he’s like the total dream guy. He’s a bit older than me like…10 years, but, but, but, he’s really handsome has a good job and according to him he has an Olympic size pool. LOL

We talked all day and he seems pretty normal. He uses a lot of emojis for someone in his thirties. He invited me to his house this Saturday and I don’t know if I should go. One of my friends said I shouldn’t. She said I might die or get killed. I told her she’s way to dramatic. But she might be true.

He seems pretty cool. I added him on Snapchat just to see if he was actually who he said he was and he was. Although he sends old pictures like not through Snapchat just regular took 3 or 4 weeks ago pics which I find odd. I sent him a good morning picture with a dog filter and he responded with a written good morning. I asked him for a picture he said ok, but hasn’t responded.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he’s busy, just because I saw on his story that he was on a plane ride. Probably business related.

So many questions run through my mind though. What if he’s lying? What if he’s fake? A fraud? Only wants to hookup with a innocent young boy? What if I die?

Maybe I’ll tell him we should meet out in public right? That seems like the best alternative, you know, other than death.

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Crush

Crushes. I hate them. I feel like they are childish. Even the word sounds a bit immature. At my age (23) I should not be getting these “crushes”. I should be building my relationships off of solid and concrete facts, not on “omg he’s so cute.”

So, there’s this guy at work, I never really had a crush on him before and I’ve known him for maybe a little over than a year now. But, as I have gotten to know him my thoughts about him have changed. He’s actually a really cool caring stand up guy.

We’ve gotten really close, and I’m not talking about like falling for each other close, I’m talking about “friends” close. He’s straight and I’m gay. He doesn’t know that I’m a flaming homosexual, only like 2 of my coworkers do. But that hasn’t stopped me from swooning over him ever time he smiles at me or stops me just to catch up.

Our relationship didn’t start to grow until he noticed I was real good friends which one girl he liked. He asked me for advice about how to get close with her and eventually ask her out. I thought, shit he’s actually straight. Because obviously I thought maybe he would out if no where come out.

But he didn’t, and even though it sounds stupid I loved talking to him and just being around him. It just annoyed me when we talked about that girl. She’s so pretty, she’s so cute, it was all blah.

The funny thing, is that when his crush went away from this girl because she was playing hard to get we started to get to know each other more. He would talk less about her and more about himself and also ask questions about me. I honestly thought maybe, just maybe, he could fall for me.

But no, he soon started talking about the girl once again. So now, here I’m left with all the good memories of our conversations. Hoping one day he’ll realize that I am everything he’s looking for.

But that’s highly unlikely to ever happen.

You’re Doing Good For Yourself

It’s Friday, I have officially made it through yet another week. I have to say I’m proud of myself. I have accomplished a lot, not only this week but throughout life.

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday, she was explaining to me how she thinks she needs to get her life together. I responded with of course “your talking to the wrong person because I don’t have my life together.”

She went on to say that I shouldn’t be thinking that way. She reminded me that I have two jobs and I am paying for the bills and also paying my car. Her exact statement was, “most people still live with their parents but still have the parents pay for the rent, but their food, and drive a 1990’s car, you’re doing good for yourself.

I have to admit, hearing al that made me feel really good. Like no one is usually tells that I’m doing good. I feel like I’m not doing enough and hearing her say these things makes me feel that I’m doing just enough. I give my all to this one life I was given and it’s really nice when even if it’s just one person, notices.

Look What You Made Me Do

I made it out alive this week! Even though it was tough week I still made it out feeling satisfied. Friday was very stressful and I have to vent, so I’m sorry but here it is.

Since the department that sends things out at work is really heavy with orders, management decided to make everyone else do four hours of over time to help them out. Since I have another job I chose to two hours one day and the other two on a different day.

Friday was one of those days. And I was so tired from the whole week, like I had been sleeping four hours a day. I asked my lead if it was ok to go home after my eight hours. She said no, and them she asked our manager and apparently he also said no.

This pissed me off so much because she gets treated like a queen and no one says anything. Plus she had left early two weeks ago along with someone else on our department.

There is so much favoritism at this work place that I can’t stand it. So now, I’m done giving my all, I’m finished doing all the dirty work for them. I am the one that does the most in that department and I’m done being taken advantage. I’m finished being the nice guy.

This is all part of the new me. And its not my fault, this is what they made me do.

Working For The Man

I am tired as hell! I never thought working two jobs would make me feel this exhausted. And it’s my first week! But, on the plus side the days do go by faster, although that can also be looked as a bad thing seeing I’m wasting my young precious life slaving away to for Man.

So I wake up everyday at 5 in the morning. Get ready for my first job (which is full time) and get there at 6AM. I leave from there when I’m off at 2:30PM.

After that I have limited time to eat, change clothes, and drive to work and arrive at 4PM. At that job I’m there until 10 which is a total of 6 hours. For now, that’s my schedule but it could all change.

Anyway I get home at around 10:30 and get things ready for the next day. So I’m in bed by 11PM to restart the whole cycle again.

Hope this wasn’t too boring, like who wants to know what people do?

Basically I have time to do nothing. Even though this could be very stress full, I’m trying to stay polite and remind myself that’s it’s all for my mom. (And kind of for my self, don’t judge me!) Keeping a positive attitude helps a lot. Even when times are tough.

This weekend I am off from both jobs and I’m catching up with a friend who went to Alaska in the summer. Not because she wanted to see it but she went for a work. She’s back and I can’t wait to see her.

Later on that day it sure yet to what I will be doing but pretty sure I’ll be doing something.

What I really want to be doing is SLEEPING.